tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8167765495351686202024-02-07T16:58:46.612-05:00A garden for butterfliesAnnaBellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01614241329182982677noreply@blogger.comBlogger220125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-816776549535168620.post-63314849160552261162013-05-24T15:16:00.000-04:002013-05-24T15:16:43.488-04:00I remember the afterglow that you get the day after a night of romance - you know, a little spring to your step! We didn't get home until after 11pm last night and then SB had some things to do before bed but cervical mucus said it was <b><i>time</i></b> so we did something just a step above going through the motions.<br />
<br />
:(<br />
<br />
Advice is welcome. I know this is just one late night encounter with two tired people but it felt forced (because it was...) and it turns out I feel something opposite of contented and loved after such encounters.<br />
<br />
<br />.....<br />
<br />
And I don't even have hope that the baby dance will be fruitful, which kind of makes it even more pathetic. It feels like I just made us stay up too late to do something that neither one of us were that into at that moment, for no reason. Anyway, SB is a terrific sport and is always ready to help out, even when I can tell that he really would prefer to go to sleep. And it's not a bad problem to have - "oh dear, we must have sex right away!" and I'm so lucky to have a partner, let alone one who is kind and recognizes when something is important to me.<br />
<br />
This also means that near the end of the two week wait I'll start getting excited AGAIN and feeling certain that I'm experiencing pregnancy symptoms instead of boring old PMS, only to be disappointed AGAIN.<br />
<br />
.....<br />
<br />
I am starting to get visions of wigs and fedoras and "chance" meetings at mysterious bars that end with anonymous sex with a "stranger". I hope SB is up for some role playing to get us through infertility!AnnaBellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01614241329182982677noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-816776549535168620.post-76153993599476849652013-05-22T12:30:00.001-04:002013-05-22T14:31:34.914-04:005 year blogversary!Ok, today has been frustrating in minor ways so it's a good time for a post about exciting news. Where I live, getting a name change involves having the proposed change published for 4 weeks, so first you wait for a letter saying that the publication has begun and at the end you get a letter saying that it's all over and you take that second letter back to the court house and schedule a court date. I've been watching the mail for the first letter and it has arrived along with the page from the paper that has my little notice :) Everything is spelled correctly, so that is good!<br />
<br />
Reading through the other notices is completely adorable. Most are changes of last names or "Americanizing" first names. Most of the time there are parts of the old name that remain (including mine) but there are a couple where a complete overhaul is happening! I do wonder what is behind the name changes of those who are printed in the paper; everyone has a story and even though the steps of a name change are pretty simple, there's a lot of work to be done with notifying everyone and changing information EVERYWHERE. While the cost is not out of the realm of possibility, I had to save up for it for a long time to make sure I could still afford to change all of my info after paying the court fees (a new drivers license, work ID, checks and bank card, etc, are not expensive on their own but it adds up when you do it all at the same time). I think it's hard enough that most people don't just wake up one day and just file the paperwork without doing any preparation. One person is changing from "Jerry Dean" to "Geraldine" and there could have been quite a lot of work that went along with that name change!<br />
<br />
I'm so excited for all of them and I hope they are as happy with their changes as I am with mine! I'm going to post the page on the refrigerator :)<br />
<br />
.....<br />
<br />
My first blog post was on this date 5 years ago. It is so wonderful to have moved through and beyond the things that happened. Toren's death still has me shredded, but that was just one part of it all; I didn't know that was the start of losing everything that was important to me. Divorce was brutal but I'm so glad to not be in that marriage anymore! It feels like I dodged a bullet (you know, aside from the whole part where I'm still in therapy from being in that relationship for over a decade and he has been difficult to set boundaries with). Losing the house was embarrassing, but I do prefer living in this little house and it's wonderful to not worry about expensive repairs. My career is still directionless and I don't know if I'll ever be able to return to reproductive health research, but I'm doing well trying out different topics and even getting some publications. I have a great boyfriend and am in a relationship where we sometimes get mad at each other but overall we have a good time together and, very importantly, I feel cared for.<br />
<br />
I guess, if I had known five years ago what else was coming up I would have been very discouraged (to put it mildly). If I had known what was coming I wouldn't have even tried living through it because I wasn't strong enough, but I am now.<br />
<br />
A lot of the blog authors who were writing when this blog began have moved on and I've wondered what to do with this blog, especially since I don't write or interact with other bloggers often. It still feels like an unfinished journey though so it's staying up and public, however, very soon I'll be taking down posts discussing struggles with my current relationship because my boyfriend and I have started a health blog and I think I'll put a link here, which means SnuggleBunny is about to lose his anonymity! <br />
<br />
Anyway, here's a song I'm liking lately.<br />
<br />
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<br />AnnaBellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01614241329182982677noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-816776549535168620.post-59093602177331112542013-05-13T15:00:00.000-04:002013-05-13T15:00:49.900-04:00This gets filed under "you can't make this stuff up". I did end up calling my doctor's office on Friday because the bleeding was starting to get heavier and learned that sometimes an HSG can trigger early menstrual bleeding (which was indeed confirmed over the weekend) and to call back on Tuesday. So today is CD4, after an 18 day cycle. I doubt there has been enough time to see much difference in the size of the cysts (it feels like the big one is still there) and I seriously doubt my hormone levels will make any sense after that short of a cycle. I'll give the office a call tomorrow but I think the repeat of the CD3 tests have been pushed back another month.<br />
<br />
You know, my uterus behaves pretty normally EXCEPT when anyone pays attention to it. Maybe it's lucky that specialists are looking at it right now - maybe the menstrual irregularities would have happened anyway and maybe the cysts will need attention when I wouldn't have known about them without the infertility testing. <br />
<br />
I'm trying not to feel defeated.<br />
<br />
That being said, Saturday was kind of rough. Regardless of the wonky hormone levels and cysts, I was still hoping that a healthy egg was released and that those open tubes encouraged fertilization and a safe journey to a ready uterus (even though I was concerned about there not being much of a lining with the post-HSG bleeding). Any far-fetched conception is surely washed away now. On Saturday I took it easy and did some self-care by taking a long nap and riding roller coasters in the evening to get out some screams.<br />
<br />
Sunday was filled with plans of yoga class, meeting up with friends at a festival and visiting with SnuggleBunny's mom - plenty of fun things. Then I was bleeding too heavily for yoga and it started to feel like there was just so much to do - that the house was too messy, that bills were late, that there was grocery shopping to do, a new diet and fitness plan to prepare for, potential work changes... it felt like everything was a disaster and that I was failing at every part of life. <br />
<br />
My washing machine is sort of my arch nemesis. It is perpetually off balance and will start hopping around, banging against the walls and floor with this loud THU THUNK THU THUNK THU THUNK and not only does it make you feel like losing your mind from the noise, if you don't balance out the laundry (sometimes I have to remove items and spin things in small batches) the clothes will be dripping wet at the end so you have to spin it again anyway. So there I was, feeling like everything was a mess, and walking to the laundry room, adjusting the clothes, going back to getting dressed, then a minute later the thumping starts again, and on my third trip to the washer (with SnuggleBunny following saying that he would take care of it, because we trade off when it gets too frustrating) it all felt like too much and SnuggleBunny entered the laundry room just as I was pounding on the washer lid screaming "FUUUUUUUCK!".<br />
<br />
We canceled most of our plans and went directly to the wonderful appliance store (all used and refurbished items) where we got our amazing dryer from last year. The new-to-us washer will be delivered on Thursday (and the old one will be taken away for them to repair and sell/use for parts/deal with). Then to address achy backs from our old mattress I bought a thick, foam mattress pad to ease some pain while we save up for a new mattress. SB is quite astute and later said that he didn't think the washer was the real problem and we talked about it, and laughed about it, and now we have a ridiculous story about the time I physically assaulted a washing machine. <br />
<br />
SB knows how to calm me down and make me feel like I am heard and that I matter. I was so relaxed by evening time that when I called my Mom for Mother's Day her comments didn't sting so bad. And I finally realized that she is kinder when I have no good news, but this time I told her about buying some new stuff for the house and the upcoming positive changes career wise before talking about the latest with the infertility testing. She is incessantly very broke (part of it is unfortunate circumstances and part is not taking action to get out of her situation) and hates her job; she told me about how her ovarian cyst grew bigger instead of shrinking and surgery was required and her whole ovary was removed and the call ended with her telling me that maybe next year I will be a mother for Mother's Day. Maybe she wouldn't have said those things if I hadn't talked about my new washing machine. <br />
<br />
Anyway, the new mattress pad is amazing! And please feel free to bring over your laundry once the new machine arrives ;)AnnaBellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01614241329182982677noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-816776549535168620.post-79851726626000541512013-05-07T13:07:00.001-04:002013-05-07T13:14:25.495-04:00This morning I missed the train by 30 seconds. Waiting for the train happens most of the time (it's rare to arrive at the platform just when the train does) and it's a good time to read or listen to music, but I still hate watching the train pull away. It feels like a big deal. This morning I almost audibly swore and wanted to fling my purse and lunch bag around. I sat down on a bench in a huff (hey, at least there are available seats when the platform is empty) but then quickly settled into listening to the radio. When the next train arrived, it pulled up slowly, we all squished on, the doors closed, then nothing happened. Through the train windows, I could see the platform filling up with new people. We rolled forward a few yards, then stopped, then slowly forward for a short distance, then stopped again, over and over for the miles until the next station. I eyed the emergency door release handle with delusions of walking along the track to my stop. <br />
<br />
I crave control.<br />
<br />
.....<br />
<br />
Last week's HSG could not have gone better. I took 800mg of ibuprofen an hour before the appointment, as recommended. The nurse was amazing and explained what was going to happen before, during, and after the procedure. The doctor was very gentle and with a soft voice gave warnings of "some pressure is coming, breathe deeply". There was a bit of cramping, but nothing like what I was anticipating (not even worse than menstrual cramps - thank you ibuprofen!), and it was over in just a couple of minutes. Everything looked fine and my tubes are open. I felt fine afterwards but did feel a little achy later in the afternoon after the ibuprofen wore off and after an eventful trip home (more on that in a second). Finishing the course of antibiotics sucked and I dragged myself around for the rest of the week trying to look like I felt ok. I'm still bleeding though and my uterus is grumpy, which makes me worried but since it's not necessarily painful I'll give it another day or so before freaking out.<br />
<br />
SB went in for a semen analysis last Friday; we don't have the results yet. By the way, he has been fantastic about coming with me to my appointments! He isn't needed there but he is coming along to be supportive and it's really touching. I'll probably go to the next CD3 one alone because I know what to expect now. The follow-up appointment with the RE has been postponed until early June so that I can re-do the CD3 tests. Hopefully the cysts will show signs of improvement.<br />
<br />
I feel so strongly about all that is going on that I feel nothing, if that makes any sense.<br />
<br />
.....<br />
<br />
Here's some exciting news though! I took the day off from work for the HSG and since I felt fine afterwards I told SB to go ahead and drive to work and I would take transit home. I got off the train before my stop, went to the courthouse, and FILED MY NAME CHANGE PAPERWORK! To recap, after my ex-husband left, it took over two years to get him to sign the divorce paperwork. At that time I could have returned to my maiden name for free, however, I didn't feel maiden-like <u>at all</u> so I decided to wait until I could afford the filing fees to get a different last name. But I was trying not to lose my house for a couple of years, which ultimately didn't work but now with my fantastically cheap rent I can finally afford the court fees and the many fees involved in changing everything that documents "me" (drivers license, social security, bank stuff, I will keep my birth certificate as it is since that was the name my parents gave their baby, which is too sweet to change).<br />
<br />
I've been sort of nameless for over 4 years, not feeling like I "belonged" with my ex-husbands family and not feeling like I still "belonged" to my father's family. The more I thought about it, the more I hated the idea of females being named as a form of ownership. Changing to your husbands name seems very romantic at the time but after a marriage ends who are you then? My ex-husbands family hasn't spoken with me in years - I'm not one with them anymore. My parents are divorced and have different last names from each other, so the family I was born into isn't as it was (the woman who shares my Dad's last name now is just 13 years older than me, go Dad!). And my marriage was like a lifetime and at the end of it I was a very different person from the girl who excitedly practiced writing out her future married name.<br />
<br />
After my husband left, I asked people to call me the nickname I have used on and off since adolescence (my legal name is often mispronounced which made me so embarrassed when I was a hopelessly shy youngster). For years and years I would introduce myself as "Anna" and then people picked up on my legal name (ok, it's Deanna... but not for long!) because that is what my husband called me. After we separated, I dramatically thought that I never wanted to be called the name he used for me again, but I also kind of thought I would settle down and get over that. However, now my family and friends call me Anna (there are just a few clueless acquaintances who can't seem to remember) and I'm only called Deanna at work or in situations where a legal name is needed, and the name I was never really attached to has started to sound foreign. <br />
<br />
What my name would be has received a great deal of thought. I thought I had it nailed down early in April but it wasn't quite right... and really, all along I suspected that I wouldn't have it fully figured out until I filled out that part of the forms while at the courthouse. I actually figured it out 9 days earlier and the day I wrote it on the forms I smiled to myself (and every single person around!), totally excited that I was actually going through with it. <br />
<br />
It's a pretty fantastic name. All four parts are completely feminine! The last name is not popular and has no major attachments (that I can find, especially how it is spelled) to people or places. It's a little otherworldly, and that, accompanied with a change of my first name, means I'll probably get some questions about it, which I don't look forward to but can handle. I told SB about it afterwards and he asked what last name I chose but he didn't ask about the entire thing so he doesn't know it yet. I feel shy about it still and I'm worried that it won't be approved (not for any tangible reasons, just because I want it so badly). I am not practicing my signature yet.<br />
<br />
Most people won't notice since I don't use my legal name for any social purposes anyway and I'm changing <u>to</u> my social first name. It will be hard to get work colleagues used to it but that can't be harder than getting my parents and siblings to call me by a different name. It should be about 8 weeks until it's official.<br />
<br />
That was way more than I expected to say about that! Back to the original topic, it took hours to get everything properly filed so by the time I got home (another train ride, a bus ride, and a walk later) I was tired, hungry and dehydrated and spent the remainder of my HSG test day resting :) AnnaBellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01614241329182982677noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-816776549535168620.post-70722447180924131012013-04-30T11:18:00.001-04:002013-04-30T11:18:50.220-04:00Update on infertility testingHave I mentioned that my new therapist is hilarious? She talks A LOT for a therapist and bosses me around, rather opposite of professionals I've talked with in the past who made me get to the conclusions myself. It doesn't sound like a good situation but it's working for me and I'm learning so much. We talk about assertiveness and sometimes I wonder if she's waiting for me to tell her that it's my turn to talk. This week I was rambling and said that I completely failed with bringing Toren into this world and she stopped me and expressed how she wants me to stop saying things that indicate that I blame myself in a situation where no one is at fault. She made me rephrase that sentence ("ok, that pregnancy was a complete failure", which satisfied her enough) before we could move on. <br />
<br />
As juvenile as that exercise seemed, I feel better. I keep looking for a cause or a reason and there are none known. But that doesn't mean it was my fault and even if I did do something that caused his internal organs not to grow, causing him harm was certainly never my intent.<br />
<br />
So I'm not going to tell you that I completely failed with my cycle day 3 lab work and ultrasound...<br />
<br />
The sonographer was nice and said she would talk me through what she was viewing on the screen and made a couple of jokes about situations where something surprising is found and things get quiet and the doctor is fetched right away. I can't remember how she phrased it, but she was funny and cute and relaxed me a little, even while I was thinking about how I am one of those people where a surprise was found via ultrasound and the sonographer stopped talking and the doctor was called right away and that moment was the start down a very sad and life changing path. <br />
<br />
With wand in place, she asked me if I was still bleeding...<br />
Me: "Well yes, but it has stopped for right now. I think worrying about this test has scared it away."<br />
Tech: "You also exercise a lot..."<br />
Me: "You can tell from my uterus?"<br />
Tech: "I read your chart."<br />
So we had another laugh. I guess she was saying that exercising could disrupt my cycle. She asked because there was fluid in my uterus. Bleeding never did re-commence, which is very unusual for me and I will probably mention it before getting the HSG tomorrow.<br />
<br />
Things did turn quiet during the test though and at the end she showed me a few images of my ovaries, each of which has a cyst. A few hours later I received a call explaining that my lab work came back odd - as in uninterpretable. Estradiol was 215 (while I don't know the specific reference range for the lab used, a range I found on the internet is 11-212) and FSH was 2.11 (in November FSH was 12.5, I don't think that huge drop is due to taking CoQ10). On the phone I was told that a cyst can cause odd hormone levels. I need to repeat all of the CD3 tests next month.<br />
<br />
Of course I did some (ill advised) internet research and learned (maybe correctly, who knows!) that a high estradiol value can indicate a cyst, which I know is present, and the estradiol can inhibit FSH, which looks like that is happening. High estradiol and very low FSH can also indicate ovarian failure, which is also probably happening. <br />
<br />
I'm having the HSG and kept my appointment in early May to discuss the results, even though we will probably just discuss how the cysts are interfering with things and no plan for infertility treatment will be discussed. SnuggleBunny and I agreed to do all of the testing
because even if it turns out to be a waste of time and money at least we
would have explored it entirely and will not wonder about what might have
happened if only we had done this or that test. I'm doing these tests
not to get a baby but to avoid regrets.<br />
<br />
I spoke with my chiropractor, because he listens to me and considers my body as a whole and he did some tests for my adrenals, worrying that they were overtaxed from prolonged stress. My adrenal glands do seem to be functioning well enough but I'm now taking a new supplement to promote adrenal health anyway since the vitamins won't hurt anything and it makes me feel like I'm doing SOMETHING other than just waiting to see what the cysts do over the next month. <br />
<br />
I guess *I* didn't fail the CD3 tests... but they all need to be re-done. Instead of getting closer to answers something unexpected was discovered which needs to be addressed first. It is frustrating.<br />
<br />AnnaBellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01614241329182982677noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-816776549535168620.post-57846057404540103492013-04-17T11:29:00.000-04:002013-04-17T11:29:07.638-04:00I told my mom that I was having more fertility testing done and she was very surprised and pleased. She thinks I'm having a baby. She said something interesting though, that she didn't know that I wanted to have a child. For me, it's been YEARS of waiting (that whole divorce and find a new partner bit) and trying, and YEARS of disappointment and worry and feeling sad. Apparently I make it look easy! So to her it probably feels like we haven't even tried at all yet, so certainly there will be a baby with just a little bit of effort. To me it feels like the road is narrowing and just around the bend it may stop completely.<br />
<br />
I never told her that I changed my mind about having children (since I didn't) and she never asked about it, through years and years. We don't talk very often though and I have only visited her 3 times in the past 6 years. Not a word has been breathed to anyone else in my family. I guess I want fewer witnesses to this potential failure. I guess I didn't feel very supported by them concerning Toren. My family members would always donate to my March for Babies fundraising but never asked about it after I stopped doing the walk. They probably think I'm "over it" when what I'm over is feeling miserable walking along with all of the people and their rainbow babies while wondering where mine is.<br />
<br />
Anyway... it's nice to know that SnuggleBunny and my mom feel positive about how these upcoming appointments will turn out. I'm very nervous and upset and have hardly been able to focus on anything for two weeks, which shows. <br />
<br />
Here's a list of things I'm thankful for during this time:<br />
* People being positive for me<br />
* Roller coasters (weather permitting, I'll be going back to the amusement park this weekend for more screaming)<br />
* Gardens<br />
* Budding irises <br />
* Birds building nests and singing, singing, singing!<br />
* Dinner with girlfriends<br />
* Cooking, cramming as many vegetables into meals as I can<br />
* Eating by candle light, in the dining room and out on the patio <br />
* Pregnancy safe skin treatments that are showing great potential (until this lousy PMS breakout anyway)<br />
* And even ridiculous ex-husbands for providing distractions and stories to laugh over with girlfriends <br />
<br />
CD3 will probably be on Monday so more information about if I'm producing any eggs is less than a week away.AnnaBellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01614241329182982677noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-816776549535168620.post-40144541605265863782013-04-08T22:23:00.001-04:002013-04-08T22:23:07.021-04:00That last post was not nice and I want to clarify that I'm not making fun of her. If you want to show off your rose garden, go for it! The funny part is just that I so desperately want to have no contact with my ex-husband but it got to the point where I wondered if NOT avoiding him and NOT ignoring his attempts at "friendship" would be get me closer to closure. I'm trying out not being unfriendly (which is different from friendly). <br />
<br />
And then I get invited to his girlfriend's vajayjay's birthday party.<br />
<br />
What is an appropriate gift?<br />
<br />
.....<br />
<br />
There is no way for him not to annoy me. There's too much history and too much hurt.<br />
<br />
.....<br />
<br />
So today I laughed at myself and at this absurd situation and at how much of a prude I am sometimes and it was all okay.<br />
<br />
Then I was in a rush to have dinner with friends and quickly showered at the gym after squeezing in a workout, reapplied make-up and struggled to look presentable with flaky skin from acne medication AND new breakouts and suddenly it all felt like my fault again - I was never fun and confident enough to do a panty-free photo shoot so my marriage ended. It often feels like I was left because I wasn't adventurous enough. Even though he creeps me out now and I <u>do not</u>, <u>do not</u>, <u>do not!</u> want any sort of relationship with him, I still feel like tossed out garbage.<br />
<br />
I'm working on it.AnnaBellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01614241329182982677noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-816776549535168620.post-80022868000156904792013-04-08T11:24:00.000-04:002013-04-08T15:46:00.086-04:00Post divorce issueTo recap, my ex-husband (who turned out to be one of those creepy, hey-girl-send-me-ur-photo guys online) made things really difficult for me, and moved away (yay!) only to move back (boo!) and I'm sick of avoiding him so we did run into each other and I didn't stab him and now we are friends on face.book. What could go wrong? He invited me to his girlfriend's birthday party and the photo on the invite is of her with her legs spread and her unclothed personal areas RIGHT THERE.<br />
<br />
OMG make this stop!<br />
<br />
I can't stop laughing at how absurd this is. Pervy nudity doesn't offend me in general, or in this case really, it's just he has a way of turning something cute and sexy into something a little off and cringe worthy. I am so embarrassed that I was married to him.AnnaBellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01614241329182982677noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-816776549535168620.post-88588539408811402982013-04-04T10:05:00.001-04:002013-04-04T10:07:24.223-04:00RE appointmentOn Monday was my first appointment at a fertility clinic. Even though I haven't done fertility treatments yet, it still feels like family building has been a long road and I'm so tired. My hopes were way down after the results from last November (AMH < 0.16, and I don't remember the FSH value but it was not pretty) and since I can't afford anything super expensive right now (like IVF with donor eggs) I was mentally prepared for a conversation about things to try in a year, after I've saved some money and decided which direction to go. When considering donor eggs versus adoption, I lean towards adoption; I don't see ever being able to afford adoption (or anything else ever again) after failed IVF cycles. Also my pregnancies have been the opposite of enjoyable experiences and it would be a relief to never even risk going through something like that again.<br />
<br />
All of that rambling is to say that I was expecting to hear that I had few options and was prepared to ask for a birth control prescription so at least so other hormonal issues could be corrected (worsening adult acne and headaches). However, my doctor said while AMH is a marker for ovarian reserve she has seen cases where it wasn't as bad as the lab values looked. So we are doing more testing and the plan goes like this:<br />
<br />
1. Day 3 ultrasound to count follicles plus another hormone panel for me, and a semen analysis for SB. If it looks like there are some eggs and sperm to work with then...<br />
<br />
2. HSG to make sure there are no problems there before trying any treatments, and the chances of conception can be increased for several months following a HSG. My doctor described it as "crampy" and doctors always downplay how much things hurt so I'm not doing this test unless it looks like fallopian tubes will be useful in our situation.<br />
<br />
3. Follow-up appointment in early May to figure out what we are going to do.<br />
<br />
<br />
It took a day for the post-appointment grumpiness (I'm so ready to get out of family building limbo) to turn into a more positive feeling. Now I'm just swinging back and forth between being excited to have a baby (ha!), and frustration because I'd like to know what future to prepare for, and sorrow because there's the potential for more heartbreak.<br />
<br />
I don't see a baby coming out of this but I'm doing everything asked of me by cutting out all caffeine and NSAIDS (did you know a bit of inflammation is necessary for the egg to pop out of the follicle and anti-inflammatory meds can inhibit that?), keeping up with vitamins and supplements (added an omega-3), and seeing my dermatologist to see if there's a non-retinoid medication that could help me. And instead of being angry with my body I'm taking time every day to relax and do something enjoyable (lots of yoga and kickboxing!) - I am going to be good to myself through this stressful time!<br />
<br />
.....<br />
<br />
I'm meeting with my therapist later today and even though I chose her because one of her specialties is PTSD treatment it's still hard to talk about pregnancy with her. It's weird. It's so hard to talk about pregnancy or Toren with anyone outside of here.AnnaBellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01614241329182982677noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-816776549535168620.post-82753769607760705052013-03-29T21:30:00.002-04:002013-04-04T09:03:28.091-04:00It was just an estimate made early in pregnancy of when he (before he was known to be a boy!) was to be born, but it's all I have to be able to say that around this day he would have turned five. FIVE! In a parallel life, we would be preparing for starting kindergarten in the coming fall. I really enjoy kids around this age, when they are adorably expressive and still like to cuddle.<br />
<br />
I went to work yesterday for the first time since March 28 became an anniversary. My mom is proud of me and thinks it's a sign of healing. I'm not so sure. What if I'm healed AND elect to not treat days that were (are?) about Toren as if they were just an ordinary day? <br />
<br />
Every day is a day of silently missing Toren. <br />
<br />
Having tried it, I don't think I will take the day off next year. With work,
there wasn't time to visit the cemetery yesterday (or today, or
tomorrow). There wasn't space to reflect. AnnaBellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01614241329182982677noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-816776549535168620.post-86114943217361153872013-03-25T00:16:00.001-04:002013-04-08T10:35:08.554-04:00My ex-husband spells Toren's name differently than I do. Torin.<br />
<br />
I didn't correct him because it doesn't matter, does it? There are the small monuments I have with his name - a brick in the cemetery where his ashes are buried, an identical brick in a different cemetery where my local SHARE group has a memorial garden, and a third identical brick in my garden (yes, I had three made!) - but there aren't legal documents or anything where Toren's name was written. His name is all over in this journal and all through my personal writings. It's been written in the sand on multiple beaches by multiple, loving people. It's been printed on t-shirts for the March for Babies. It's stamped into a silver pendant which I still wear most days. TOREN.<br />
<br />
.....<br />
<br />
Toren was born and my husband was not interested in naming him - he gave the restriction that I couldn't give him the family name that he was always going to have (he was going to the fifth, plus have a nickname like his father and grandfather had had) so I named him the nickname that was my favorite at that time. His father took away his name to be used later for a living baby. So it's not like we had a discussion and agreed upon a name and spelling.<br />
<br />
.....<br />
<br />
His father began his grief late. After Toren's name had been written here, spoken at support meetings that I attended alone, and carved out in permanent and transient mediums - after leaving me behind to remember Toren alone, my ex now visits the cemetery. I guess he didn't see the brick.<br />
<br />
Toren is mine and Torin is his and it doesn't really matter because the boy is not here.<br />
<br />
.....<br />
<br />
A long time ago I decided, or discovered, that my job as Toren's mother is to love him endlessly, because that is what his soul needs.<br />
<br />
It's good that his father is also remembering and loving him, in his own way.AnnaBellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01614241329182982677noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-816776549535168620.post-78505022833158001862013-02-27T10:54:00.000-05:002013-02-27T10:54:51.858-05:00Cessation of the saga... that is what I'm hoping for. <br />
<br />
Not very long ago at all I <a href="http://agardenforbutterflies.blogspot.com/2012/08/oh-that-again.html" target="_blank">wrote about</a> my ex-husband moving away and practically as soon as those thoughts of surprising sadness were expressed I began to gleefully enjoy his absence. It was so nice to not worry about running into him and to not feel angry when friends (not really friends of mine anymore) invited us both to parties. It kind of felt like I was getting a well deserved lucky break - like finally that incredibly long and sad story was taking a turn down a hopeful and less stressful path. <br />
<br />
Back when he moved and the regret over not understanding who he really was was clashing with the relief of having him far away, I was sort of worried that there wasn't a complete break between us and that one day we would run into each other again. I imagined it would probably be some chance meeting on the West coast when we both happened to be visiting our respective families at the same time and that so much time would have passed by then that there would be no complicated, residual feelings remaining. We would be able to casually catch up or just say a greeting and walk away and that would bring complete closure.<br />
<br />
That is what I want - complete closure. I want to remember him and feel nothing. And not a false, suppressed emotions sort of nothing, but to truly feel that I am happy with how my life is turning out and that I'm so busy with wonderful thoughts that there's simply not room for negative thoughts related to him. It takes time though and specifically it takes time without him disrupting my life. That is what a lot of my old friends did not understand. Even though he left in November of 2008 he has subtly hassled me since then and it has been really hard to get back on my feet financially and emotionally because of some of the things he has done. The two year anniversary of our divorce is next month and one would think that would be sufficient time to get over it but just last week I spoke to a debt collector about the one measly bill he got in the divorce settlement which he does not pay. We took out that loan together, while married, and creditors don't care who gets what bill in a divorce. They were going to try to contact him again but if they can't get him to respond I'll probably start paying on the bill, not because I just can't figure out what to do with all of this extra money I have sitting around (HA!) but because this lingering connection to him is wearing me out and inhibiting my goal of improving my credit. <br />
<br />
In therapy I'm working on boundaries and being assertive and it's hard to see how this situation fits into that. If I cave in and pay his bill I'm not being assertive but if I continue to let the behavior of someone else negatively impact me I continue to be a victim. So damn.<br />
<br />
How long does it take to get to feeling peace concerning someone who has hurt you badly? And is there a crash course because it appears that he has just moved back here. What if I can't promise graceful composure yet?AnnaBellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01614241329182982677noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-816776549535168620.post-63637140939879734582013-01-11T10:26:00.001-05:002013-04-17T11:31:29.654-04:00Normal stressMaybe, from what has been written here before, someone could tell that I didn't feel like my ex-husband was very nice to me and I'm glad to be out of that marriage (even though I entered separation with reluctance). And you can probably tell that I like my boyfriend and we are in a serious relationship but I have had concerns regarding his financial instability.<br />
<br />
.....<br />
<br />
There is so much that could have been said over the past month plus about how I feel about being referred to a reproductive clinic - I'm all over the place, at times frustrated, sad, at peace, determined. No action has been taken yet though. SnuggleBunny is all on board with being positive and finding a way for us to have a family and he hasn't made me feel bad for being too old to conceive a baby, so that's nice. However, he also hasn't had his semen analysis done. I was able to get an appointment with the highest rated clinic in my area (maybe more on my concerns about where to go later) but without his test done I thought it would kind of be a waste of time so I postponed the visit. The next available date was April 1, which I took, and already I feel like the fool in this situation.<br />
<br />
Am I being dumb for insisting that he show initiative and make an appointment and PAY FOR his own test? He would be a good father in a lot of ways, just like he is a good partner in so many ways, and he has said that having children is something that he really wants. But words are not translating into actions. I know the only barrier he has regarding the test is paying for it. I'm barely getting back on my feet financially and I'm sick of paying for more than my share of the bills. I know I'll be paying for our infertility treatment since it will be my body involved. I'd be paying for any medical bills if I get pregnant and I'd probably pay for child related expenses, plus the bills I already pay. And then there is the incredibly selfish fear that I'd have to increase my work hours while SB stays home with the baby - which is preferable to expensive childcare and good for the kid, right?<br />
<br />
That is a lot more than I expected to write.<br />
<br />
.....<br />
<br />
Yesterday I went to a short seminar on avoiding stress through a health expo at work. I went on a whim - no, I went because I followed intuition. Because I've been through STRESS and the stuff that's going on now feels very miniscule compared to Toren and divorce and even losing my house. My motto is "any day when you are not delivering a deadbaby is pretty damn good!" The seminar was good though and helped me see that even though nothing in my life is completely being destroyed right now (you know, except for losing hope of parenthood) there are things that are causing stress.<br />
<br />
I made an appointment to talk about my relationship, and I'll actually be meeting with the woman who conducted yesterdays seminar and answered my questions about one-on-one appointments (she seems really great).<br />
<br />
I have been in a marriage that was terrible for me emotionally so I know to avoid soul slaughtering relationships like that. My relationship with SB is lovely and I feel respected and cared for and confident, but it can't develop further because he can't take care of himself. My life dreams are postponed and postponed and postponed because he can't take care of himself. <br />
<br />
What does a smart girl do? Pay more than she can afford to have the boyfriend and family that she wants? I'm taking action get these questions answered!AnnaBellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01614241329182982677noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-816776549535168620.post-78528782586308875602012-11-30T20:35:00.002-05:002012-11-30T20:35:44.481-05:00Crossed fingers didn't work.<br />
<br />
Low progesterone and low anti-mullerian hormone and a referral to a fertility clinic. <br />
<br />
It feels a lot more intense than it looks written down. It looks like there are good options and plenty to feel hopeful for. It feels like the chance of having a child that is genetically related to both of us is remote. Statistically, delivering a child at all is not so likely.<br />
<br />
I'll go to the initial visit to find out all options, but I can't really afford expensive treatments.AnnaBellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01614241329182982677noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-816776549535168620.post-7292113959038560582012-11-27T11:52:00.000-05:002012-11-27T11:52:19.744-05:00Fingers crossed! Fingers crossed!That's what Jill at my gynecologist office said after answering some questions and making an appointment for me to have blood drawn for progesterone levels on the correct day. <br />
<br />
It's fertility workup month<br />
<br />
There should be a sarcastic exclamation point wrapping up that sentence but I can't summon a smart ass attitude right now. It feels more like:<br />
<br />
It's fertility workup month <span style="font-size: large;">:(</span><br />
<br />
My mood has been excellent until this point; until scheduling the appointment for the last part of this initial workup. It's been so easy compared to what some have been through, first was the day 2 FSH (and a slew of other tests), then the peeing on sticks to identify the LH surge (that smiley face came pretty damn early, which if that is a trend then timing has been dismally off), then on Thursday there will be the progesterone blood levels. And then the results. And I'm not looking forward to that.<br />
<br />
Discussing the fertility workup is such an appropriate topic for my blog but to be honest I don't feel like I have anything novel to say. It all has been said here before - I'm gutted from Toren's death but have learned to function anyway, I'm terribly sad over not having children and I'm terrified that I never will have a living child. It's embarrassing to not have progressed along to raising a rainbow baby by now. These aren't things that I feel comfortable discussing with anyone. Since hanging out with mothers hasn't been appropriate, my friends are primarily 30-somethings who are childless by choice and starting a conversation about how much I would like a child isn't something I want to do. My family has probably given up on me by now and some would be all judgy about my quest for a child out of wedlock and even if I didn't feel frowned upon I don't want to subject them to another reproductive roller coaster. I wouldn't want them to get excited for a new family member only to be let down, again. SnuggleBunny is on board but doesn't understand just what a big deal it is. He knows that deadbabies are a very sad thing but not that a missing baby changes everything.<br />
<br />
And actually, I haven't been doing all I could to have another baby because pregnancy is frightening business.<br />
<br />
But the hope of another baby has been very important and I'm afraid of hearing test results that whisk that hope away. Up until this point my fingers have been crossed but they are not today because the test results will be what they will be, regardless of what I want them to say. Not being able to have a baby (even just one!) would be devastating and the hopeful part of me says it would be too devastating to actually happen. But you know what? Toren's death was something that was too devastating to actually happen but it did anyway.<br />
<br />
.....<br />
<br />
Anyway, I am doing the tests and for the most part I've been keeping cheerful. I'm charging into this holiday season with so many commitments there will be little time to contemplate another Christmas without a child. I'll probably have a fun part-time job during December so that will be a productive way to keep busy. But the there's something that I'm so excited about! I'm doing a 90 day fitness challenge! Here's how it works, we are in teams of 4 and work out with a trainer 3 times a week. I've done personal training before and disliked it very much and it's still a mystery why this sounded like a good idea, but I LOVE IT! It is so fun to work out with in a team! It's day 16 of the challenge and I have not lost any weight but my body fat percentage was one percentage point lower, which could have been measurement error but at least it wasn't higher! My trainer has been very encouraging and instead of feeling defeated so early on I'm increasing the amount of cardio I do every week and decreasing the amount of cheese I eat - would you believe he said to limit cheese to once per day? ;)<br />
<br />
.....<br />
<br />
Expressing these fears has made me feel better and I'll let Jill be my cheerleader for right now. <br />
<br />
May we all have peace this holiday season :)AnnaBellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01614241329182982677noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-816776549535168620.post-25250125622294271672012-11-08T20:50:00.000-05:002012-11-08T20:50:06.195-05:00November 8th is also Bram Stoker's birthday. It's kind of nice that Toren shares a birthday with a famous person, I suppose. Learning a bit more about Bram Stoker was a nice distraction this mornining. Bram Stoker was Irish and Dracula was published in 1897. Beyond being a horror novel Dracula presents concerns of that time in Victorian England. Bram Stoker died in 1912 at 64 years old, after several strokes.<br />
<br />
Toren M died on November 8, 2007 by being crushed by his mother's contracting uterus. He was born later that day at 10:35pm. I don't know when he died because he wasn't being monitored because he was going to die anyway.<br />
<br />
It's been five years.<br />
<br />
.....<br />
<br />
I still take October 31 and November 8 off from work. Not to do anything in particular but just to avoid seeing people. The surrounding days are bad enough and I think if anyone wished me a good day today I would yell at them. Most days I'm fine and happy enough but I take these two days and his due date (the anniversary of the day when nothing happened) to not have to look happy.<br />
<br />
On days that are tough, for whatever reason, I think to myself "at least I'm not back in that week where I was waiting for my son to die". Most shitty situations look pretty innocuous compared to hanging out in a hospital room waiting to birth the baby who will never go home, never meet his grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins, never make his own friends, never hear you say how much he is loved. <br />
<br />
<br />
Those days between the fatal diagnosis and when he was born were the most unremarkable and exhausting days. Nothing was actively happening. We were killing time as the inevitable loomed. <br />
It was terrifying. I remember being busy researching bilateral renal agenesis and what a baby of his gestational age looks like, and crying, and vomitting, and not getting out of bed, and then not being able to stand being in the house, and not talking to people because what was I going to say? My parents didn't even know what was going on until days after the diagnosis and then I don't even remember what I said to them. Probably something about how the baby is dying but everything is ok. Don't worry - I'm ok. <br />
<br />
Unpredictably, embarassingly, the thing I felt most right after he delivered was relief. The labor pains stopped and I didn't have to wait for him to die anymore. It was time to grieve for a bit then get back to kicking ass. Right?<br />
<br />
Beyond heartbroken, wondering how I was going to walk across the threshold to leave the hospital room and go home without my son, I told myself that it would be rough for a few weeks but once the new year came around I would be feeling much better. Looking back, I gave myself 54 days to "get over it". <br />
<br />
Still waiting. <br />
<br />
I mean, things are much easier than being "there" but beyond that I'm not sure of much. I thought I would at least be pregnant with another baby within a year and my lousy, cheating husband and I would raise a family together. You know, all unfulfilled with mountains of hurt and lies between us. So I HAVE TO be happy about being where I am now. I must be thankful. But not on November 8th.<br />
<br />
.....<br />
<br />
My son was going to have dinosaur pajamas. We would all learn baby sign language so we could communicate with him before he could speak. We would visit family and he would get excited with his cousins and all of the adults would cringe at the noise. He was going to be the oldest child.<br />
<br />
Instead it's just me sitting with a pair of tiny dinosaur pajamas that have never been worn.AnnaBellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01614241329182982677noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-816776549535168620.post-72857995569015809312012-08-13T22:24:00.000-04:002012-08-13T22:25:14.419-04:00Oh that again?He's moving... back to the opposite coast... my ex-husband... today may have been the day when he left.<br />
<br />
I thought this would feel better than it does right now. It was over a year ago when he told me he was going to move away and I have been anticipating a sense of freedom from that distance. Instead it feels very sad right now.<br />
<br />
I don't know who he is. He turned out to be someone different than the man I thought I was married to, and I miss that person desperately, and, idiotically, I keep looking for that person. Maybe he has changed again! Maybe "he" is back!<br />
<br />
He doesn't want to be the person I believed he was.<br />
<br />
.....<br />
<br />
Did I tell you we met when I was 16 and were nearly inseparable for about 16 years? And now I don't know exactly when he is moving away. We drove into this city together, him driving the moving truck, me driving his car. We were supposed to be getting a fresh start, I thought it was going to be a fresh start as a couple but found out he was having "discrete" sex with women he didn't even know a few months after we got here. (Ok, I found evidence of him soliciting dates and going to meet one woman, but he said he didn't sleep with her. Regardless of believing him on that point, does the actual act really matter that much?). The problems had started years before. I have been so dumb where he is concerned for YEARS and still I think about him, not with longing for him but longing for closure and longing for understanding how things went so wrong and longing for verification that it wasn't all my fault. It feels like there is still so much that needs to be said, but we speak different languages.<br />
<br />
Back several months ago when I moved there was so much of "our" stuff to go through. A houseful of our things. And even though I was so angry with him for not signing the damn papers that could have prevented the move I kept setting things aside for him. Although he had left 3 years earlier I was still hanging onto his family heirlooms and his mementos, until I came across our wedding album and realized that he didn't have a single photo from our wedding. Not only had he left me behind - me who who was drowning in grief, so I kind of understand wanting to leave that behind - he left all mementos of me behind. He left every reminder of our marriage, like none of it had mattered. And I began throwing away his things.<br />
<br />
.....<br />
<br />
Moving definitely brought many things about our marriage and divorce to the surface. There were so many feelings left unfelt during those years of numbing antidepressants so it's good to be working through them now. It's good to be living in a place that feels safe while slogging through that mess. One thing that is interesting is that Toren's death and the end of my marriage feel like separate things now. They happened relatively close together and were intertwined for a long time, which was a shame because it complicated how I felt about Toren.<br />
<br />
So he is moving and I am not gleeful as imagined... but it won't always hurt. Maybe it won't hurt by the end of this week. Maybe someday thoughts of him will only rarely peek in. And in the meantime I will take good care of myself, like by going to read a charming book right now! (Do you like murder mysteries? I recently discovered the Leigh Koslow Mystery Series which are adorable! They are older books - which means super cheap for the Kindle! book 1 was free! - and they are not too gory or scary. There is a pregnancy in book 1 but it didn't upset me and if you think it would be a trigger for you book 2 doesn't rely on information from book 1)AnnaBellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01614241329182982677noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-816776549535168620.post-44041743407929999962012-05-23T21:47:00.001-04:002012-05-23T21:48:20.017-04:00Blooms!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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The purple butterfly bush has bloomed!<br />
<br />
Here's a sneak peak of part of the garden ;) I can't show off photos of the whole thing BECAUSE it is not finished and needs weeding BECAUSE I can't manage to get anything done now that I learned how to knit and crochet. <br />
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The tiny flowers are so pretty up close<br />
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The white butterfly bush should flower in a few days<br />
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<br />
I saw the purple flowers this morning and thought "there is such thing as redemption". I don't know what that means but I do feel terrible about the whole foreclosure thing, even though it has worked out pretty well for me so far. I don't really expect anything good to happen and I don't feel like I deserve good things to happen. So it was lovely to see the bushes thriving after being uprooted.<br />
<br />
<br />
Then the patio furniture from one of my landlady's other properties was delivered tonight. It is huge and ugly, which means it probably won't be stolen :) Despite the lack of attractiveness in the table and chairs I like it and it will be incredibly handy next weekend when we throw our first party at this house to celebrate SnuggleBunny's birthday!<br />
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<br />AnnaBellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01614241329182982677noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-816776549535168620.post-51254760161772184662012-05-16T11:33:00.000-04:002012-05-16T11:33:03.490-04:00Smarter todayOn Monday it didn't occur to me that someone would climb over the fence to enter the backyard and take the patio furniture. We were planning on getting a lockable shed for the garden tools and in hindsight that should have been a priority. Snugglebunny said we will get the shed this weekend and pick up a new-to-us lawnmower. Our landlord is bringing over a plastic patio table and chairs that were left at one of her other properties and she is cutting rent for next month by 40% because of this incident and because we replaced our dryer when it didn't work in the new place and it turned out to be that the outlet was not installed correctly (and took over a month to get properly diagnosed and repaired). So it's not a money thing because we can replace everything. It's this feeling that it is not smart to feel safe. And I liked that little wrought iron patio set.<br />
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It's a tall fence with sturdy locks on both gates. The back side is surrounded by tall trees for privacy from the church behind us. Last night when I took my hair down Snugglebunny pulled a bit of a branch out of then ends and laughed at me for having had bits of the wilderness in my hair all day long (from tramping through the treeline picking up pieces of the lawnmower, which did not survive being tossed over the fence so was left among the trees on the church side).<br />
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Also right now FB is filled with comments about someone, who I didn't personally know, who was murdered over the weekend. It's enough to make a girl long for small town living!<br />
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Anyway, I just wanted to say that today it's not as easy to joke about getting help becoming closer to a minimalist lifestyle as it was yesterday. Today I feel worse about it. Today it feels like security will never be regained. Today I don't really want to be having an existential crisis prompted by patio furniture...AnnaBellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01614241329182982677noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-816776549535168620.post-83050261205480061992012-05-07T17:44:00.002-04:002012-05-07T17:44:50.488-04:00FSH testWhile waiting for the results of a home FSH test, which I do several times per year, I realized this song was playing in my head<br />
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Ugh! I don't like worrying about my aging eggs! 15 minutes to go (it's normal so far and I've never had one change dramatically in the middle of the test so I think doomsday is averted for at least a little while longer). <br />
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Does anyone else do these periodically? My doctor said that the FSH test doesn't really predict early onset of menopause (or any onset, I guess) but it lets you know when there is already a problem. I keep doing them but I'm curious about how well the home tests compare to the medical lab tests and how both actually compare to having live babies. The very moment that I get health insurance (which I think will happen within the next several months) I'm making an appointment with my OB/GYN.AnnaBellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01614241329182982677noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-816776549535168620.post-47780353465063678322012-05-06T14:44:00.001-04:002012-05-06T15:01:43.166-04:00International Bereaved Mothers DayThat <a href="http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/2012/05/international-bereaved-mothers-day.html#comments" target="_blank">this day</a> was created by the incredibly sweet Carly Marie eases a lot of pain about Mother's Day. <br />
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I've been doing something that I don't feel comfortable telling most people about. Here's how it came about... my sister is adopting a new son and they will be picking him up in Korea sometime this summer; I recently started knitting and crocheting and wanted to make a baby blanket for him. When I showed SnuggleBunny the yarn he asked if it was for a blanket for the baby we want to conceive. Suddenly I felt a bit of resentment and hurt because there's no baby of our own to make a blanket for. I'm not going to sit around with the pain of wanting to make a blanket for my own child so I decided to make one for us first. Also, it doesn't seem like a good idea to make a blanket for my nephew while having negative feelings about my situation and since I'm new to crocheting (as in I have never made anything yet) it seemed like a good idea to practice before making gifts.<br />
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So I'm summoning. I'm seeking a soul who wants to join our family. While planning for and working on this blanket I think about what we can offer as parents and where our struggles are. I tell the Universe that a soul with a good sense of humor, and patience and appreciation for a slightly smothering Mother would fit in well here. Some soul who needs a lot of love is welcome. Some soul who can stand a non-luxurious lifestyle, since my fertility is waning faster than my financial stability is returning.<br />
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I have no expectation of this working - I'm not demanding, more like inviting. If there's a child for us I am calling for it; if there is not one then the blanket is for Toren.<br />
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When working on it I focus on my love for Toren and for SnuggleBunny and for the love that we all have for our babies, regardless of where they are. <br />
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For the yarn I wanted a washable black cotton that would not stretch completely out of shape. It must be cotton because I don't care for synthetic fibers and would want my child wrapped up in natural fibers. It must be washable since babies are messy and if this is going to be more than an item for the memory box it must be usable. And black because I wear black and it would mean that the blanket was for *my* kid, if that makes any sense. (The color selection is where the need for a sense of humor is worked in since it is not a "baby" color. While I wear black, I like children in cute, colorful clothes, but the blanket just has to be this way.) <br />
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I searched for about 2 weeks before finding the perfect yarn: black cotton that is washable AND can be machine dried on low. And one of the ladies at the store where I found the yarn had recently made place mats with the yarn (in different colors) and said it was very easy to work with and didn't stretch out.<br />
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I like everything about it and enjoy rolling it up by hand into tight balls<br />
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The yarn was not inexpensive. Sometimes I feel silly making a blanket for a baby that doesn't yet exist (or may never exist) so it's really not a good project to talk about with many people. But it brings me a lot of comfort and I think I will be able to joyfully make stuff for other people's babies because I got to make something for my own.<br />
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Anyway, here's the progress so far. It is a double crochet stitch using just the back loop to create the ridges. The pattern is available through <a href="http://www.ravelry.com/patterns/library/classic-baby-blanket-3" target="_blank">Ravelry</a> (I'm AnnaLaFae if you want to be Ravelry friends!)<br />
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Here's Sammy kitty working his modeling - so handsome!<br />
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Chatter about yarn is happening at my <a href="http://loveslovesnot.wordpress.com/" target="_blank">directionless, fun-things blog</a>. I'm off to work on the blanket.<br />
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You are all in my heart today.<br />
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<br />AnnaBellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01614241329182982677noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-816776549535168620.post-1352639993556856032012-05-01T22:54:00.000-04:002012-05-01T22:54:59.368-04:00Creating a garden, part 1There are many exciting things happening in the new butterfly garden but I want to show how it came together to perhaps provide inspiration to anyone who would like to create a garden, memorial or otherwise, but may feel a little intimidated.<br />
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In preparing to make this little series of tutorials, I have been giving some thought to all of the different types of gardens there are and how you really don't need a lot of space, money, or a green thumb. Plants aren't even really required in a garden! So I've been contemplating what the intrinsic qualities of a garden are. I think of a garden as being of or inspired by nature and purposeful. Prompting contemplation is a good thing too and while my gardens have always provided space for contemplation while tending to or viewing them, I'm not sure that I consider that a necessary quality. Perhaps it's just bound to happen.<br />
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Now, I'm just an amateur gardener but if I can make something even somewhat pretty out of nature-y stuff so can you! <br />
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I suggest beginning with assessing what you have to work with. Maybe you have a yard or access to some dirt to plant in but again those are not required. Beautiful gardens can be made in pots, terrariums or with air plants. Even if you have a yard you may opt to do a smaller project that will take less time to maintain; this could be a very good idea if you are struggling with grief, which can be so exhausting. Some cemeteries allow for planting at grave sites, which is a lovely way to honor the memory of your loved one and add the atmosphere of an already contemplative location. You would just want to keep in mind how often you want to visit the cemetery to tend your garden and choosing plants that don't need much upkeep would be a good idea.<br />
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So here are some photos from several days after we moved into the new house in March when I explored the yard with the cats to see what we have to work with. Remember the place I'm renting is in a very inexpensive area of town so fancy landscaping is not included (bars on all windows are!) but this yard is slightly quirky and charming which makes it very amenable to a whimsical garden! <br />
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Here's the back patio, with outdoor items and stuff that hadn't yet made it into the house unceremoniously tossed from the moving truck to here and there. I decided to put the butterfly garden by the fence at the upper right corner of the patio so it would be easily accessible.<br />
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Here's a different view of the fence and edge of the patio. All of those vines along the fence turned out to be honeysuckle! They have been blooming for weeks and the entire yard smells divine! <br />
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What else did we find? An old tire and cinder block next to an azalea bush that Sasha Kitty investigated well. <br />
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A pile of old bricks which made me squeal with delight - so much potential!<br />
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The yard is quite weedy... <br />
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These clumps of grass must be dug out, which has definitely slowed down progress. This is where having some anger and passion behind what you are doing really helps! The first time I made this garden was about 6 months after Toren died and I was going through an angry phase. Seething. Boiling. Burning. And that energy was directed towards an ugly patch of dirt that didn't really grow anything. I stabbed the ground with spades for weeks, turning the hard clay and dirt. I've calmed down over the past several years so digging up these weeds is pretty tiring!<br />
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So here's the first result photo. Pretty ugly! But it's a good way to illustrate that a garden can take a lot of work and time to become attractive. It's really hard to see what is going on here with the fence and neighbors yard in the background but this photo represents a triumphant moment! The main plants from the old garden are in the ground here. The two butterfly bushes (the things that look like sticks in the dirt) had been pruned to at least half of their size so that they could be moved and what few leaves are present are wilty and sad looking. It was a big risk to move them and on this day I didn't know if they would survive (they did though!). The trellis with the antique metal butterfly tied on sits above two clematis vines brought over from the old garden. The clematis plants got pretty beat up during the move so they are basically just roots with dry, broken vines attached at this point.<br />
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So at this point I had a vague idea of the shape of the garden in mind, but that's it. Don't let a lack of a plan stop you! Each plant of mine is carefully and purposefully placed but they are almost done one at a time rather than as part of a predetermined overall design.<br />
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Ok, that's all for tonight. I really look forward to sharing the next set of photos.<br />
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What do you think are necessary elements for a garden? <br />
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Here's a recommendation for music to dig up stubborn weeds to :) Set it to repeat and grab a shovel!<br />
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<br />AnnaBellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01614241329182982677noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-816776549535168620.post-63610663326203226422012-04-19T12:28:00.001-04:002012-04-19T12:28:30.366-04:00Do you remember when I <a href="http://agardenforbutterflies.blogspot.com/2011/03/this-is-what-i-said.html" target="_blank">jabbered on and on</a> before the State Senate speaking against a bill that would ban any and all abortions after 20 weeks? The bill didn't pass last year and a similar one was proposed this year and I was asked to come speak again. However, that was exactly during the time when I had a new project at work and I was moving and there was no time for me to spend an afternoon at the capitol building, even though I would have loved to because it was so interesting last year, and because it's good to be helpful. Things became intense though and video testimony was approved so a small camera crew came to my house, days after moving so it was a disaster there, and recorded me reading my testimony. I don't know if the video was ever used and I seriously feel sorry for anyone who had watch it because I am not good on camera (there would be no question of if an actor was doing the reading - it was definitely a real-life person!). So this year the bill was approved by the state senate and congress and the version I read goes something like this: abortions are prohibited beyond 20 weeks gestation EXCEPT in the event that the fetus receives a fatal diagnosis and then the pregnancy may be terminated at a hospital, which may mean only through induced labor and delivery (the language was pretty ambiguous). First thought - there were no exceptions written into the original draft of the bill so I really wonder if the video was used since the exception addresses the exact situation I was speaking about. Second thought - what about the very sick fetus's that are not given a fatal diagnosis and what if a woman would rather do a d&e over labor and delivery? From what I have heard (laws may vary in different areas), babies that are very ill and have uncertain life expectancies but are born alive MUST receive treatment (which can be invasive, intense, and takes the baby away from their mother which means they could die in the arms of healthcare workers instead of their parents). There is a lot to consider if your fetus does not have a clearly fatal diagnosis. It's so sad. Moving on to the labor and delivery requirement, that is what I chose based on what my doctor advised but it would not be for everyone for a bunch of reasons including the cost (my bill was $10,000, thank goodness I had great health insurance), the time (I spent over 4 days in the hospital), and it is freaking scary to birth a very premature baby and have no idea if they will be born alive (Toren died during delivery) and what they will look like that young (beautiful anyway!).<br />
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I ranted on for hours about the bill. Poor SnuggleBunny :(<br />
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The bill has not been signed by the governor yet and I was asked if I would be interviewed for the news to speak about how my experience would be different if it were taking place after the bill becomes law. I agreed but explained that my experience would actually not be different so I'm probably not the best person for the interview (which would be a relief since I don't like being video taped).<br />
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I was invited to an awards gala for the agency I've been helping (no, I'm not receiving an award) so I'm going to that tonight. I've never been to something like that so I'm curious to see what it's like. And it could be an opportunity to become more involved. But I don't know if I want to be more involved.<br />
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In my opinion, access to abortion is important for women. It's not nice but neither are some of the life circumstances that many women find themselves in. Those important, life-altering, choices should be made by the people involved. FURTHERMORE, women who have just heard that the baby they want is very ill or is going to die should be left alone. Hold their hands, provide comfort, listen to the dreams they had for their child, bring them cases of wine and a punching bag (or whatever they personally need for the long recovery period). Restrictions on next steps to finish off that doomed pregnancy are not helpful.<br />
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But I may not want to get more involved because it's kind of painful to focus on that time in my life. And I don't think of Toren as aborted. And then I sort of feel like everything should have turned out fine. Like, I was in a terrible position and ended a pregnancy early but then everything turned out fine. Instead I'm childless, divorced and not sure where to go from here.<br />
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Maybe my work with the women's health group will end up filed away with the March for Babies, which I stubbornly did not do this year since I don't have a subsequent baby to bring along (again, that feels like tragedy is supposed to be followed by a very specific success story).<br />
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All of that is to say that my vow of doing something awesome in my last post is becoming difficult because I am directionless. And depressed. Again. <br />
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So this borderline incoherant post is because I am making myself do a little expressing in hopes of working through feeling so down. Ta da!<br />
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.....<br />
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How about some happy thoughts?<br />
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1. I don't know where I'm headed but at least I'm no longer married to a jerk :)<br />
2. I'm saving part of my tax return to buy some rediculously beautiful and expensive shoes as a present for when I'm no longer in the the overweight BMI category.AnnaBellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01614241329182982677noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-816776549535168620.post-63300994867166400452012-03-28T13:11:00.001-04:002012-03-28T13:11:40.372-04:00I can't describe how much I appreciate the words of support concerning the big "f" word. To address a few comments and questions, first, I think I will just sell the ring for scrap, but I'm in no rush to do that just yet, and then I will spend the money on something wonderfully unecessary like strippers and booze! Regarding SnuggleBunny and his past negligence of rent paying, I still don't know if moving into a different place with him was a good idea. I have made it VERY clear that every single household bill is to be split in half from this point forward, so we'll see how that goes. To have my portion of rent be this cheap for a place of my own, and to not have to depend on anyone else to come through with their share, I would have to rent a room and get rid of or store a bunch of furniture. So it came down to choosing to live with my familiar things and have a place to garden and room for my cats but risking being in the same situation where I'm paying for someone else's living expenses again. If this backfires I will totally expect and accept a chorus of "I told you so". And speaking of space to garden, I put a lot of thought into what to do with the butterfly garden. I felt it would be a little weird to bring the plants, sort of rude to mess with the landscaping, it would definitely be tiring to add another strenuous activity to the move, and the butterfly bushes had grown so large that such a dramatic pruning to be able to move them would risk killing them (lots of good reasons to leave the garden there). But then I worried about their care while the house was empty (they could die from neglect or be ripped out with re-landscaping) and I worried about my already broken heart suffering another loss by leaving my healing place. So I did what any halfway-to-crazy, down-and-out, BLM would do and I dug up the garden and brought it along! The butterfly bushes had to be cut back by about 2/3 and they lost a lot of roots but they are actually looking ok now and are growing new leaves. The other plants are also doing well, all things considered. I don't think there will be many flowers this year and since this is a rental house I don't know if I'll see it all flourishing again (I may not move the plants again). I was thinking of doing a series of posts about setting up a memorial garden to encourage people who want to do this but feel intimidated by gardening.<br />
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.....<br />
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At the end of my "f" word post there was supposed to be a statement of how I'm going to do something awesome next, but I forgot to add it in, and then put it off and put it off, but now I see there was more to that thought. The last 4+ years have been a disaster and I'm so tired of reporting bad news. Before this mess I think my family was always a little baffled by whatever I was doing (getting married young, moving across the country, getting a master's degree in something that my Mother still doesn't quite understand) but now I'm really too embarassed to even give details of what's going on. Problematic pregnancy, dead baby, divorce, job loss, foreclosure. I wonder if my religious relatives think everything after Toren was deserved because I didn't carry to term. I didn't say anything about the foreclosure until my Dad called and asked what I was up to and it happened to be moving day and I was following the moving truck with a car full of stuff to the new house at that very moment. Shortly after that I received an email from my sister with more photos of the new boy they are adopting with a sentence about how she's sorry to hear about the foreclosure. I didn't reply. There was the excuse of not having internet for a few days and not wanting to reply from my phone. Then there was the empty feeling of how cut off I feel from my family because it's been so long since something beautiful happened and they don't know what to do with someone who has been hurting for so long. There was just that one sentence. In an email. As a side note.<br />
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So while moving I made a promise that I would have good news next and energy is being focused towards having something (anything!) great happen! And positive things are still the goal... but negative things were never the goal and look what happened. <br />
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"Something awesome" is loosely defined here and really it can be as simple as something big and bad NOT happening (the absence of bad times is pretty fucking awesome!). In my head anyway. In my heart I want very specific things. <br />
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But the question that won't leave without an answer is can I feel accomplished if any of those specific things don't happen? Is it possible to feel like I'm even sort of a good person if I stay overweight, and broke, and sad about the past 4 years? What if I don't reach the career goals I initially set out for? What if I'm never a parent? What if I don't ever have a secure romantic relationship? What if I can never forgive my ex-husband?<br />
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I am happy but I kind of hate my life and I am so far from feeling proud of being who I am.<br />
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.....<br />
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Today is Toren's un-birthday. The 4 year anniversary of an unfulfilled EDD. I miss him and wish I could have gotten to know him.AnnaBellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01614241329182982677noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-816776549535168620.post-36346846595068184082012-03-23T15:01:00.000-04:002012-03-23T15:01:13.209-04:00A sparkle inspired segueI think a marriage is something to be proud of - being married is a source of pride. To me, wedding rings look like stability, determination, patience, and being selfless at times. They are a symbol that someone loves you enough to make that pledge of "for better and for worse" and that someone is willing to spend the rest of their life with you.<br />
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So it's hard to know what to do with these stubborn ideals, even after having experienced their fiery failure, and it's hard to know what to do with an old wedding ring, even after learning that the diamonds are cheap and the whole thing is only worth the price of scrap gold.<br />
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I used to be so proud of that damn thing.AnnaBellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01614241329182982677noreply@blogger.com6