Spinster or crazy cat lady?

Easter passed by without cares about being alone and not having a one year old to entertain with colored eggs and plush, pastel toys. I stayed in my world of the gardens. Even though I did nothing to acknowledge Easter, it was nice not to be torn up over what I could have had. Right now I'd rather feel nothing than feel such loneliness and hurt.

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Last week was a hard week in therapy. Brainspotting doesn't fuck around and takes you places you've been ignoring. It's all good though, I am desperate to get well.

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Regarding my whining over my friend/ex-friend/I don't know what she is to me, I sent a message saying how nice it was to see her and didn't say anything about getting together. Then I decided all of this was ridiculous so, in my heart, I forgave her for the careless things she said and have almost forgiven myself for being so angry and that my dear readers is how closure will occur! I hope.

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Besides three friends, other people are off my radar for the most part lately. Outside, digging, planting seeds is the only place where I my heart feels still. I still remember the baby, I remember my broken marriage, I remember that my life is starting over, but while I'm in the garden I'm in the present.

I don't care if others think I'm boring or being too reclusive, I'll get out more when I feel like it.

My butterfly and vegetable gardens are "Gardens for popsicle sticks" right now so I can remember what seeds are planted where. The vegetable garden still needs some work before it has it's big reveal in photos but here are some glimpses of my happy place.


Two caterpillars drying off on a rock after a rainstorm


A caterpillar resting in a plant

Sammy's photoshoot

Carefully posing

Awwww, looking peaceful

With a tomato plant

Profile, looking reflective

Not really a proud or shameful moment

Some of you seem interested in how the situation with my "mommy mobile" friend turned out. I would have also been curious to know what exactly one can say under those circumstances - what words do you use to say "oweee, that was my heart you stabbed". I don't necessarily recommend saying what I wrote to her though and I don't not recommend it either. I sent this as an e-mail a week and a half ago and have heard no reply, however I know that she has shared it with at least one of our mutual friends.

I don't need to hear praise over this, in fact, gentle critiques on how this could have been made not so mean would be appreciated (keeping in mind it's too late to change the letter). I do not think a follow up letter from me to her after receiving no acknowledgment of this note is appropriate; reviving the friendship is not a goal here. Right now my goals are to not feel like shit and later I'll want to know how to best handle myself when around her in the future (since that will happen). Not receiving any sort of reply has been harder than I imagined but it will be ok and I do feel relieved having communicated the things that were bothering me.


Hi R,

Congratulations on the new car, you all must be very excited and relieved to have an appropriate vehicle.

The delivery of your purchase news is prompting me to say some things that have been on my mind. I don't think you understand the severity of the sorrow I feel over the death of my son. It has been an incredibly difficult 10 months, with my entire body, mind and soul missing him every single minute, plus the waning of my marriage as A and I both grieve so intensely in our different ways. Living has strictly become about getting through another day so it is important that I am only around people who are sensitive to this disaster that has completely changed my life. When I am invited over to dinner only to be seated facing a brand new stroller parked in the dining room, or receive impersonal notes signed with your sons name, or hear about the "mommy mobile", frankly, I want to die. So I request that you kindly neglect to include me in such communications.

With all of my heart I wish you a safe delivery and a happy life.

Sincerely, A

Speachless (except for all the stuff I'm about to bombard you with)

Setting the stage...

So, you know I have an EX-FRIEND ... and even though I talk a tough game, friendship breakups weigh heavily on me. It's so hard to let a friendship die. I have had definite bitchy moments with her back in early spring when she was newly pregnant and I was slogging through grief (aided by a lot of alcohol) but I really tried to make it up to her. I sent text messages at least once a week for months asking how she was feeling - rarely a reply and never was the question reciprocated spontaneously. When suddenly asked to dinner several months ago I accepted because I wanted an end to the tension. So I dined and made pleasant conversation while seated facing a brand spanking new stroller that was parked in the dining room. I praised the name they had picked out since they had just recently found out they were having a boy. Then when her husband asked me to help her shop for some evening clothes I actually went to maternity stores with her and helped her find something to wear. Then back to no replies, no asking how I am. So I stop sending text messages; I stop communicating so there is no communication whatsoever between us. Then she gave me a gift a couple of weeks ago... but by this time I am too upset by only seeing her on her terms that I am cold ... I thank her for the gift and hide it in a closet when I get home because I just can't look at it.

Then no communication.

Then tonight a text is received:
"It's official! We got a mommy mobile [her name] style! Crv 2008! Woot!"

And from my mouth comes a maniacal laugh then I send text messages to other friends, just saying hello, just so that the message from her moves down the list so that it is not seen on the screen.

You all really can tell me if I am being too sensitive about this. But the way I see it is that she is clueless at best; competitive and mean at worst.

What would you guys do? Would you say something? I don't think I will do anything, but this is fuel for my golly-gee-we-cannot-be-considered-friends-any-longer fire (and I mean it this time). My completely honest to my inner feelings side (which doesn't exist in real life) would reply "Congrats on the new car you inconsiderate, hateful bitch"

If you said anything, would you want to say something different from what you would actually say?

Edit: How about a lovely note of congratulations like this?

Dear R,
Congratulations on your new car - what exciting news! I remember a time when I was planning to replace my classic car with a vehicle that was more "baby friendly". Of course, finding the perfect "mommy mobile" turned out to be not necessary for me since my son was found to be incompatible with life and thus would not ever be tucked securely in a car seat in any car. Now that my marriage is suffering so much as my husband and I mourn our son in our unique ways, it looks like I'll be driving my classic car for a long time. The CR-V 2008 appears to be a very family friendly vehicle and I imagine you will enjoy driving your son around in it once he is born. Again, congratulations on the new "mommy mobile"!
Sincerely,
Anna

And I really mean that "sincerely" bit.

Shopping...waiting

For all the composure I've displayed this week I am quietly an emotional wreck. Several days ago my husband and I were invited to dinner at the home of friends who are expecting their first child. She and I haven't been close lately since she is joyously pregnant and I am in a perpetual, sour deadbaby mood. We make each other uncomfortable and I have felt her pushing me away for several months. I really hate relationship limbo, wondering if a friendship will survive, so out of curiosity of how the evening would turn out I accepted the invitation.

It was a nice evening. I truly mean that. Heart wrenching lowlights included the new baby stroller parked in the dining room, looking through maternity clothes to help her find an outfit for an evening out, finding out the baby was likely a boy (so much for my prayers that they have a girl), and hearing the selected name. At the same gestational age I was finding out my baby boy had no kidneys. I never grew big enough for maternity clothes. We didn't buy a single baby item since I was hanging out in the worrisome "threatened miscarriage" stage for so long. I'm not sure we would have purchased anything by that time anyway. And if I ever become pregnant again I don't think I'll be able to face a baby item until we know we are bringing a baby home. After delivery of a breathing, crying, living newborn my husband will have to run out to buy a car seat so we can safely and legally get it home then we can figure out the rest from there.

At dinner my friends husband confided that my friend was feeling a lack of confidence in her appearance and asked me to help her shop for some clothes to wear to a fancy party. So two days later guess who is in maternity stores searching for pretty clothes. For my certificate of sainthood my name is spelled A - N - N ... just kidding. I had to leave the store while she tried stuff on but no crying or freak outs occurred. She found pretty things, mission accomplished! I have been having an anxiety attack since then. I feel like throwing up then curling up and dying. But instead of digging my own shallow grave to wallow in I'll be digging holes for new plants.

Since my chest hurts today and I can't breathe or concentrate on anything I spent several hours and too much money buying plants for the memorial garden. Mostly little perennials that supposedly attract butterflies and a Korean Lilac which was on sale since it's blooming period has passed for this year. Shopping was a nice distraction and the suckiness of my garden is really bothering me so hopefully these plants will help with that.

Mentally I've been calling it the goddamn garden all day. Goddamn plants, goddamn planting soil, goddamn hand shovel. I don't want a memorial garden! I hate memorial gardens! I should be entirely too busy caring for a son to have time to plant anything.

But what else is there to do today? I need to fill time while waiting to feel happier, stronger, successful. Time to dig.