October 30
It's been two years since... what exactly?
since I last had faith that things would work out well
since my heart didn't constantly ache
since I was maternal
since I felt my family was proud of me
since I felt that the future would be gorgeous
and those don't adequately describe it
................
What was I doing two years ago? Was it a great day? Was it a happy day?
...............
It's been two years since I wasn't taking a single antidepressant
since I was happily sober
since I was happy to be living my life, with my own baby on the way, with my own husband - three unique souls together
since I believed that I would fall into the majority side of a very important statistic
since I didn't know the words "bilateral renal agenesis"
..............
I had been bleeding for weeks and frequent check-ups always turned out great - the baby had a strong heartbeat so everything was presumed to be fine. None of us knew that his heartbeat was contained in increasingly cramped quarters. So many people told me that some women bleed through an entire pregnancy and they have healthy babies. Over and over women have healthy babies. Everyone believed I would be one of those women. I was cautious but at 18 weeks and 4 days, after hearing that heartbeat so often, I thought it was just about safe to seriously argue about names and sign up for birthing classes and prepare his room.
Two years ago I believed that in just one more day, after the anatomy ultrasound, I would breathe a sigh of relief. Surely I had already had my big scare on the day so much blood came rushing out of me weeks before.
..............
Two years ago today I believed that in two days I would be showing off new ultrasound images of my little boy; I would be e-mailing the pictures to all of the would-be grandparents, aunts, and uncles.
Two years ago I believed that my family was growing. I believed that I would never be on birth control again because siblings would be very welcome before premature ovarian failure hit.
.............
Two years ago today I never ever EVER would have guessed that that my husband would be GONE... that I wouldn't be balancing family life and work... that the baby's room would be rented out... that I simply wouldn't give a fuck about credit scores, mowed lawns, my career, basic car maintenance, home cooked meals... that it would be so easy to sleep with other men. Two years ago today I'd be shocked at the amount of alcohol I can now consume without getting sick.
Two years ago today I wasn't bitter, jealous, or consumed by anger; I didn't rage against being a member of the unlucky.
Two years ago today Halloween was my favorite holiday. I loved the parties and giving out candy to children.
Two years ago today I had more friends.
...............
ONE year ago today I believed that I was going to make a big comeback very soon, in fact I was secretly sure that I would have a new baby or be very close to birthing by today. I had hope.
............
Today... I have a bottle of wine which I will drink without judgment since excess drinking doesn't happen all that often anymore. I don't have hope for beauty in my life but perhaps I don't need it anymore. I sometimes get out of bed because I'm excited for the day instead of just because that is what is expected of me.
Today I hope that by this time next year Toren and I will have a revised relationship that allows for more love and less agony in my life on Earth. Today I still secretly hope for a family or at least something good enough to replace that craving.
...............
This post sucks, but it's important.
Showing posts with label pregnancy memories. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pregnancy memories. Show all posts
Friday, October 30, 2009
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Stalling to "submit"
I've made my health insurance selections for next year, except for clicking the "submit" button to make it official. I'm just ordering insurance for one, just me. I get to select whatever plan I want and don't need to discuss the pros and cons of each plan with anyone, and this freedom makes my head spin and my stomach ache. Perhaps tomorrow I can submit to a solo insurance plan.
Papers have not been filed yet but I plan on getting divorced soon and today that thought squeezes my chest. I miss him. Just right now. And I feel guilty for missing him because I have found another great guy, and I feel guilty for being so happy with the great guy because I cared for my husband so much it seems impossible that I could move on from that.
Today something happened that upset me and my husband knows exactly what to do in situations like that but the new guy totally bombed in offering support.
.......................
It's just been one of those weeks (already!) where I can't seem to do anything right. Although, just when I was SURE that I had just skipped my first period, signaling premature ovarian failure, today it arrived in full force, lured to the white panties I'm wearing. The now stained, soggy and sticky panties.
Anyway, that's good news. To kill time while waiting for my period I P'dOAS twice. Fuck if that action isn't exploding with emotions.
Last Friday I added new medications to my antidepressant cocktail. Sunday I'll add in hormonal contraception.
The calendar is ticking down to October 31 and I feel like I'm going to scream as people chatter on about costumes and parties. I can still feel being in room after room getting ultrasound after ultrasound, watching my son moving, seeing that he was alive with a strong heartbeat, while at the same time hearing about the organs he didn't have - kidneys, both missing... stomach ... bladder... all absent.
Anything that pretends to be scary repels me. Forget stupid, gory costumes, houses of horror and scary movies - the sequence of events at that ob visit were truly terrifying, true horror. Part of me is still stuck feeling overwhelmed by sorrow, fear, and rage at having to make the decision of when my son would die... I see no sense in feeling terrified by fake dead bodies and such.
I need to move to a smaller, windowless office at work to make room for new faculty. I'm trying to be accommodating and gracious about it but really I feel embarrassed, like I wasn't doing a good enough job to stay in my office, even though I know it just has to do with educational seniority.
And my car smells like it has a fuel leak. And my bank account is overdrawn.
.......................
With all of those worries and hormones and new medications and memories it's no wonder I feel "off". It's time to be good to me and take care of me. And it's time to go home and change out of these icky underpants.
Love to you all, thanks for listening to my whining.
Papers have not been filed yet but I plan on getting divorced soon and today that thought squeezes my chest. I miss him. Just right now. And I feel guilty for missing him because I have found another great guy, and I feel guilty for being so happy with the great guy because I cared for my husband so much it seems impossible that I could move on from that.
Today something happened that upset me and my husband knows exactly what to do in situations like that but the new guy totally bombed in offering support.
.......................
It's just been one of those weeks (already!) where I can't seem to do anything right. Although, just when I was SURE that I had just skipped my first period, signaling premature ovarian failure, today it arrived in full force, lured to the white panties I'm wearing. The now stained, soggy and sticky panties.
Anyway, that's good news. To kill time while waiting for my period I P'dOAS twice. Fuck if that action isn't exploding with emotions.
Last Friday I added new medications to my antidepressant cocktail. Sunday I'll add in hormonal contraception.
The calendar is ticking down to October 31 and I feel like I'm going to scream as people chatter on about costumes and parties. I can still feel being in room after room getting ultrasound after ultrasound, watching my son moving, seeing that he was alive with a strong heartbeat, while at the same time hearing about the organs he didn't have - kidneys, both missing... stomach ... bladder... all absent.
Anything that pretends to be scary repels me. Forget stupid, gory costumes, houses of horror and scary movies - the sequence of events at that ob visit were truly terrifying, true horror. Part of me is still stuck feeling overwhelmed by sorrow, fear, and rage at having to make the decision of when my son would die... I see no sense in feeling terrified by fake dead bodies and such.
I need to move to a smaller, windowless office at work to make room for new faculty. I'm trying to be accommodating and gracious about it but really I feel embarrassed, like I wasn't doing a good enough job to stay in my office, even though I know it just has to do with educational seniority.
And my car smells like it has a fuel leak. And my bank account is overdrawn.
.......................
With all of those worries and hormones and new medications and memories it's no wonder I feel "off". It's time to be good to me and take care of me. And it's time to go home and change out of these icky underpants.
Love to you all, thanks for listening to my whining.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
I have diligently tried for two years to drown the memories of the life I almost had in a sea of alcohol - unfortunately my tolerance for booze has become too high for these thoughts to be swept away... so grab another glass of wine and a huge bowl of ice cream and let's stroll down memory lane!
In the handful of days before entering the hospital to terminate Toren's pregnancy I did a lot of reading and learned that a fetus at a mere 20 week gestational age can be born alive. They don't stay that way for very long though. Toren died before he was delivered. I knew he wouldn't live no matter what gestational age he made it to and it was both a relief along with huge a disappointment that I never got to see him alive outside of me (I wanted desperately for him to die with me rather than with nurses tending to him so I did get this wish). At the 6 week follow-up visit with my doctor I asked her why he wasn't born alive and learned that with delicate fetuses who are not cushioned by amniotic fluid the force of the contractions often kills them. My uterus crushed Toren to death.
Another confession - I like to watch the show "I didn't know I was pregnant". Doesn't that sound ideal?! No known pregnancy to worry through and everyone on the show ends up with healthy take-home babies! Unlike the women on the show who recognize no signs of pregnancy I have frequent pregnancy symptoms, despite the absence of sexual encounters (until recently) and the baby. I have pregnancy daydreams. Almost two years after Toren and I DAYDREAM about being pregnant. Why not daydream about fantastic vacations to Greece or discovering a major cause of bilateral renal agenesis? Or why not at least daydream about paying all of my bills on time every month or being caught up on laundry?
What next? I am still suicidal every so often, like earlier tonight, and I think I have figured out a major contributor... add PMS to the list of self-diagnosed health issues! (Also on the list are PTSD and a sprained toe) Before August when my housemates moved in and I met the snugglebunny I was depressed 24-7; during the last couple of months I have been truly happy at times, but then around a week before my period I become so "moody" (as in amazingly depressed, suicidal, and out of my mind crazy). I'm afraid I will drive this awesome guy away by being insane and that makes me very, very sad to think about. I'm really trying to hold it together and I take my meds everyday and see my therapist once a week but I still can't quite make it to "normal".
And back to the start - at least I think Toren was dead when he was born. He and I were alone and I didn't quite know what had just happened due to the sedation I'd been on all week, pain medication for labor pains in the form of morphine which it turns out I'm allergic to so benadryl was added into the mix too. Gravity took over and it seriously took a few moments for me to figure out what I was looking at. He was all curled up and just when I was starting to stroke him with a finger a nurse leaned over me, cut the cord and swept him away.
................
I have confessed my way to sober. Good night.
In the handful of days before entering the hospital to terminate Toren's pregnancy I did a lot of reading and learned that a fetus at a mere 20 week gestational age can be born alive. They don't stay that way for very long though. Toren died before he was delivered. I knew he wouldn't live no matter what gestational age he made it to and it was both a relief along with huge a disappointment that I never got to see him alive outside of me (I wanted desperately for him to die with me rather than with nurses tending to him so I did get this wish). At the 6 week follow-up visit with my doctor I asked her why he wasn't born alive and learned that with delicate fetuses who are not cushioned by amniotic fluid the force of the contractions often kills them. My uterus crushed Toren to death.
Another confession - I like to watch the show "I didn't know I was pregnant". Doesn't that sound ideal?! No known pregnancy to worry through and everyone on the show ends up with healthy take-home babies! Unlike the women on the show who recognize no signs of pregnancy I have frequent pregnancy symptoms, despite the absence of sexual encounters (until recently) and the baby. I have pregnancy daydreams. Almost two years after Toren and I DAYDREAM about being pregnant. Why not daydream about fantastic vacations to Greece or discovering a major cause of bilateral renal agenesis? Or why not at least daydream about paying all of my bills on time every month or being caught up on laundry?
What next? I am still suicidal every so often, like earlier tonight, and I think I have figured out a major contributor... add PMS to the list of self-diagnosed health issues! (Also on the list are PTSD and a sprained toe) Before August when my housemates moved in and I met the snugglebunny I was depressed 24-7; during the last couple of months I have been truly happy at times, but then around a week before my period I become so "moody" (as in amazingly depressed, suicidal, and out of my mind crazy). I'm afraid I will drive this awesome guy away by being insane and that makes me very, very sad to think about. I'm really trying to hold it together and I take my meds everyday and see my therapist once a week but I still can't quite make it to "normal".
And back to the start - at least I think Toren was dead when he was born. He and I were alone and I didn't quite know what had just happened due to the sedation I'd been on all week, pain medication for labor pains in the form of morphine which it turns out I'm allergic to so benadryl was added into the mix too. Gravity took over and it seriously took a few moments for me to figure out what I was looking at. He was all curled up and just when I was starting to stroke him with a finger a nurse leaned over me, cut the cord and swept him away.
................
I have confessed my way to sober. Good night.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Numb...
... and I just wanted to numb out more with a bottle of wine and, before bed, a sleeping pill.
The no alcohol thing didn't last too long but I have cut back...truly.
Earlier today at my annual "female" doctor's visit I was getting my finger pricked for the blood iron test and suddenly a loud cheering came from down the hall. I looked at the technician and she said someone just found out what they were having - as in a boy or a girl baby. I said they must be happy with what they are getting.
Although maybe they would have had that response no matter the gender since if the gender is the major finding of the anatomy ultrasound you are doing pretty good so far. Not like one of those ultrasounds that start out with excitement from the parents and silence from the ultrasound technician.
"Oh, there he is all curled up at the bottom."
Without amniotic fluid present I couldn't see a baby at all, but it wasn't until later that I realized that this was a very bad thing. It wasn't just about not being able to see him clearly, it was deadly, but they don't tell you that right away.
...............
I like my doctor very much because she is so patient about answering my questions. The visit turned out well in the sense that all of my concerns were addressed. I am being tested for all STI's (because since the last exam I have had sex with a new partner and (last fall) my ex-husband, who was questionable in the faithfulness department), I have a prescription for the Nu.va Ri.ng (plus 4 samples, yay!), I will go in on day 3 of my cycle to get the FSH test to see if I am in premature ovarian failure PLUS my doctor ordered the anti mullerian hormone test to check on my ovarian reserve. I'm seeing if my insurance will cover the AMH test (it's normally part of infertility diagnostics, which are not normally covered, but I since I have a family history of premature ovarian failure my doctor and I are hoping that insurance will cover it as more of a preventive health thing) but if they don't I'll get it done anyway (if I can afford it out of pocket!) because I need some idea of how much longer I have to try for another baby.
..............
And I have gained less weight than I thought I did!
.............
I used the Nu.va Ri.ng for many years before quitting birth control and I'm glad to have a contraceptive that I'm familiar with. It has been about 2 and a half years since I last used a hormonal contraceptive so please cross your fingers that I adjust well to it and don't scare off my reason for using contraception! I'm glad I don't have to take an anti-baby pill everyday.
It truly is a wonderful thing that women are able to prevent pregnancy with a near 100% success rate, but the same cannot be said for conceiving. What will happen when circumstances are right for me? Will I still be fertile?
And it's not that I'm just complaining needlessly - since I'm not ttc I don't know if I have the ability to conceive anymore or not. I have a great deal of compassion for those with diagnosed infertility and hopefully my worrying about infertility that may or may not be present or near won't be upsetting. But I'm not in any position to have a baby. I know I could have unprotected sex right now in an attempt to conceive, but then what? I don't have a lot of money since my ex left me with the house and the bills that home ownership entails. I have two housemates now that probably wouldn't be too thrilled with a newborn entering the house. And most importantly, I like this guy I'm seeing and I wouldn't want to ruin what we have right now by getting pregnant. He is worth seeing how things develop between us without stressful complications or deceit on my part.
My mom and maternal grandmother each entered premature ovarian failure at age 35. I turn 35 in 4 months.
.............
After the doctors appointment I wandered around doing errands. I needed fancy salon shampoo, socks, a new bra, and after getting all of these things I still felt so unsatisfied. It was that feeling of knowing that regardless of whatever "treats" you bought yourself you would still want for more.
Empty. Numb. And only craving more removal from my thoughts through glasses of Merlot.
It isn't so surprising really.
It has been a good day. Really.
The no alcohol thing didn't last too long but I have cut back...truly.
Earlier today at my annual "female" doctor's visit I was getting my finger pricked for the blood iron test and suddenly a loud cheering came from down the hall. I looked at the technician and she said someone just found out what they were having - as in a boy or a girl baby. I said they must be happy with what they are getting.
Although maybe they would have had that response no matter the gender since if the gender is the major finding of the anatomy ultrasound you are doing pretty good so far. Not like one of those ultrasounds that start out with excitement from the parents and silence from the ultrasound technician.
"Oh, there he is all curled up at the bottom."
Without amniotic fluid present I couldn't see a baby at all, but it wasn't until later that I realized that this was a very bad thing. It wasn't just about not being able to see him clearly, it was deadly, but they don't tell you that right away.
...............
I like my doctor very much because she is so patient about answering my questions. The visit turned out well in the sense that all of my concerns were addressed. I am being tested for all STI's (because since the last exam I have had sex with a new partner and (last fall) my ex-husband, who was questionable in the faithfulness department), I have a prescription for the Nu.va Ri.ng (plus 4 samples, yay!), I will go in on day 3 of my cycle to get the FSH test to see if I am in premature ovarian failure PLUS my doctor ordered the anti mullerian hormone test to check on my ovarian reserve. I'm seeing if my insurance will cover the AMH test (it's normally part of infertility diagnostics, which are not normally covered, but I since I have a family history of premature ovarian failure my doctor and I are hoping that insurance will cover it as more of a preventive health thing) but if they don't I'll get it done anyway (if I can afford it out of pocket!) because I need some idea of how much longer I have to try for another baby.
..............
And I have gained less weight than I thought I did!
.............
I used the Nu.va Ri.ng for many years before quitting birth control and I'm glad to have a contraceptive that I'm familiar with. It has been about 2 and a half years since I last used a hormonal contraceptive so please cross your fingers that I adjust well to it and don't scare off my reason for using contraception! I'm glad I don't have to take an anti-baby pill everyday.
It truly is a wonderful thing that women are able to prevent pregnancy with a near 100% success rate, but the same cannot be said for conceiving. What will happen when circumstances are right for me? Will I still be fertile?
And it's not that I'm just complaining needlessly - since I'm not ttc I don't know if I have the ability to conceive anymore or not. I have a great deal of compassion for those with diagnosed infertility and hopefully my worrying about infertility that may or may not be present or near won't be upsetting. But I'm not in any position to have a baby. I know I could have unprotected sex right now in an attempt to conceive, but then what? I don't have a lot of money since my ex left me with the house and the bills that home ownership entails. I have two housemates now that probably wouldn't be too thrilled with a newborn entering the house. And most importantly, I like this guy I'm seeing and I wouldn't want to ruin what we have right now by getting pregnant. He is worth seeing how things develop between us without stressful complications or deceit on my part.
My mom and maternal grandmother each entered premature ovarian failure at age 35. I turn 35 in 4 months.
.............
After the doctors appointment I wandered around doing errands. I needed fancy salon shampoo, socks, a new bra, and after getting all of these things I still felt so unsatisfied. It was that feeling of knowing that regardless of whatever "treats" you bought yourself you would still want for more.
Empty. Numb. And only craving more removal from my thoughts through glasses of Merlot.
It isn't so surprising really.
It has been a good day. Really.
Friday, October 24, 2008
Memory lane
In the mindscape and bodies of baby lost mama's there are weird anniversaries. Not just dates but events too.
On the very bad day of October 31, 2007 one of the first items on the agenda of a busy day was to get a flu shot. Then a prenatal visit with the anatomy ultrasound, then a fun, joyous Halloween night! Of course, the nightmare began with that ultrasound.
One of the tasks today was to get a flu shot. It's been on my calendar for weeks but any thoughts about it were kept in a quiet corner of my memory. Until driving in to work today when suddenly, there in the forefront "Getting a flu shot was the last thing I did before ..."
Before.
Before excited hopes for the future were snuffed out. Before wishes and prayers for this pregnancy to lose the label of "threatened miscarriage" turned out to be misguided. Before holding my son when he was much too tiny and then spending months thinking "I wonder what he will look like when he is born at full term", before forcing my brain back to the reality that I will never know what he will look like as a real baby because he is already dead. Before my marriage slid into stagnation. Before I severed friendships. Before I realized that it is not time to re-instigate communication with my mom because I don't feel up to dealing with her pouting, guilt trips, and troubles. Before I learned to be open and honest with my feelings and then learned to be very selective about who I am open with.
I opted to convince a colleague to wait in line early for our flu shots rather than wait for most people in the building to cycle through the large conference room that was now set up with nurses, sanitizing wipes and syringes. The screening question "did you have any adverse reactions to last years flu shot?" was met with a simple "no". The flu shot didn't cause my baby to die, but it's now part of a complicated and sad story.
I needed to get it over with early so I wouldn't anticipate remembering that last years injection happened just hours before life changed.
If life can change for the worse so quickly is it possible that it can change for the wonderful just as quickly? Today I'm pretending this is the case and that perhaps in a few hours everything will turn around again.
On the very bad day of October 31, 2007 one of the first items on the agenda of a busy day was to get a flu shot. Then a prenatal visit with the anatomy ultrasound, then a fun, joyous Halloween night! Of course, the nightmare began with that ultrasound.
One of the tasks today was to get a flu shot. It's been on my calendar for weeks but any thoughts about it were kept in a quiet corner of my memory. Until driving in to work today when suddenly, there in the forefront "Getting a flu shot was the last thing I did before ..."
Before.
Before excited hopes for the future were snuffed out. Before wishes and prayers for this pregnancy to lose the label of "threatened miscarriage" turned out to be misguided. Before holding my son when he was much too tiny and then spending months thinking "I wonder what he will look like when he is born at full term", before forcing my brain back to the reality that I will never know what he will look like as a real baby because he is already dead. Before my marriage slid into stagnation. Before I severed friendships. Before I realized that it is not time to re-instigate communication with my mom because I don't feel up to dealing with her pouting, guilt trips, and troubles. Before I learned to be open and honest with my feelings and then learned to be very selective about who I am open with.
I opted to convince a colleague to wait in line early for our flu shots rather than wait for most people in the building to cycle through the large conference room that was now set up with nurses, sanitizing wipes and syringes. The screening question "did you have any adverse reactions to last years flu shot?" was met with a simple "no". The flu shot didn't cause my baby to die, but it's now part of a complicated and sad story.
I needed to get it over with early so I wouldn't anticipate remembering that last years injection happened just hours before life changed.
If life can change for the worse so quickly is it possible that it can change for the wonderful just as quickly? Today I'm pretending this is the case and that perhaps in a few hours everything will turn around again.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
This day one year ago
On August 13, 2007 I received notice, via home pregnancy test, that my baby existed. A year ago today was the last day that I wasn't mentally consumed with thoughts, worries, plans, or a sorrow beyond imagination, with that tiny being. I wonder what I used to think about. A year ago I never would have conceived I would be here - struggling to reclaim a sense of worth and success, mourning a lost baby and a waning marriage - after having joined the ranks of those with horror stories for pregnancy outcomes (you know, the people of statistics since no one actually knows someone whose baby actually died).
What would I tell my self of a year ago who had no clue that a nightmare was tip toeing up right behind her? It would be "My Dear Girl, you have mere hours of blind bliss left, enjoy these moments of being young and carefree". A year ago I would have argued about that carefree bit since my cares started rather early in life; who knew those were relatively lighthearted days.
What I would give for thoughts from my self a year from now. Next August 12 will I be remarking on how much beauty and joy has entered my life or will it be another shell shocked statement of "didn't see that coming"?
My current, this-very-moment self wishes to have told my self of this morning to pack some mascara since the earlier application was destined to be cried off in the bathroom at work. Awesome. Lately I've been trying to perk up since ... well you know ... the whole deadbaby thing ... so today I have on a perky outfit including hoop earrings, cute messy hair, and my new patent red Dansko's! And I started the day with the intention of doing something nice with a 8:45 appointment to donate blood. 45 minutes later I'm sent away with a finding of low hematocrit, two pricked fingers, and a crappy sticker saying how I tried to give blood today. That failure at doing something kind has me really bummed out for some reason.
What would I tell my self of a year ago who had no clue that a nightmare was tip toeing up right behind her? It would be "My Dear Girl, you have mere hours of blind bliss left, enjoy these moments of being young and carefree". A year ago I would have argued about that carefree bit since my cares started rather early in life; who knew those were relatively lighthearted days.
What I would give for thoughts from my self a year from now. Next August 12 will I be remarking on how much beauty and joy has entered my life or will it be another shell shocked statement of "didn't see that coming"?
My current, this-very-moment self wishes to have told my self of this morning to pack some mascara since the earlier application was destined to be cried off in the bathroom at work. Awesome. Lately I've been trying to perk up since ... well you know ... the whole deadbaby thing ... so today I have on a perky outfit including hoop earrings, cute messy hair, and my new patent red Dansko's! And I started the day with the intention of doing something nice with a 8:45 appointment to donate blood. 45 minutes later I'm sent away with a finding of low hematocrit, two pricked fingers, and a crappy sticker saying how I tried to give blood today. That failure at doing something kind has me really bummed out for some reason.
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