Are you ready for this?

SQUEEEEEE! A tiny, absolutely adorable, baby watermelon!

They start out like this

This is an itty bitty cantaloupe

Wasn't that a nice post? Not even a smidgen of swearing or whining!

Spinster or crazy cat lady?

Easter passed by without cares about being alone and not having a one year old to entertain with colored eggs and plush, pastel toys. I stayed in my world of the gardens. Even though I did nothing to acknowledge Easter, it was nice not to be torn up over what I could have had. Right now I'd rather feel nothing than feel such loneliness and hurt.

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Last week was a hard week in therapy. Brainspotting doesn't fuck around and takes you places you've been ignoring. It's all good though, I am desperate to get well.

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Regarding my whining over my friend/ex-friend/I don't know what she is to me, I sent a message saying how nice it was to see her and didn't say anything about getting together. Then I decided all of this was ridiculous so, in my heart, I forgave her for the careless things she said and have almost forgiven myself for being so angry and that my dear readers is how closure will occur! I hope.

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Besides three friends, other people are off my radar for the most part lately. Outside, digging, planting seeds is the only place where I my heart feels still. I still remember the baby, I remember my broken marriage, I remember that my life is starting over, but while I'm in the garden I'm in the present.

I don't care if others think I'm boring or being too reclusive, I'll get out more when I feel like it.

My butterfly and vegetable gardens are "Gardens for popsicle sticks" right now so I can remember what seeds are planted where. The vegetable garden still needs some work before it has it's big reveal in photos but here are some glimpses of my happy place.


Two caterpillars drying off on a rock after a rainstorm


A caterpillar resting in a plant

Sammy's photoshoot

Carefully posing

Awwww, looking peaceful

With a tomato plant

Profile, looking reflective

Really, even during snack time?

What does this misshapen grape make you think of? I think of how Toren looked like that in the beginning of his life but now he is dead and I've been kicked to the curb so another little bean is not on the horizon. If I were trying to conceive a subsequent baby this would be interpreted as very auspicious, maybe the grape was meant for one of you!

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Sara said the magic words "victory garden" and I have been happily and frantically digging and designing a plot for a vegetable garden. All of the soil has been weeded and fluffed, a cute path has been laid, and the first plants and seeds have been planted. I'll take some photos soon.

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Today I suddenly thought "all I can do is live my life starting from where I am". A deadbaby followed by a failed marriage feels WRONG. I feel sick to my stomach and dizzy; it just doesn't seem possible that these things happened. Because I can't rationalize it, it's hard to accept it. But instead of needing to understand and accept these horrible events, and hoping that SOMEHOW the Universe will recognize the mistake that has been made and correct the problem, what if I just start my subsequent life from where I am. What if I stop wishing for the past to have been different.

Dispite all of the complaining that goes on here, I really am so glad that I feel better than I used to. Everyday I feel lonely and sad, it's like being heartbroken has become permanent. I cry several times a week. I'm in a lot of therapy. I wish the scales would tip and I would feel mostly good instead of mostly sad. I want to reach the point where I am a happy person with sad moments rather than a sad person with better moments. But for so long all I felt was constant anguish and that part is over!

The point is, I'm so thankful to just feel like shit now instead of feeling consumed by sharp sorrow and constant confusion of the early days.