The garden today

Carnage
Hey you! Yes, you, right up front! Why so sad and wilty?

Now for some gardening information: Impatiens will swoon and collapse with only one day of hot sun and dry soil. It turns out they do better with partial shade. Most are able to be revived after a good watering but this one is on day two of looking pathetic so I'm not sure if it's going to make it. A lovely pile of rocks may take up residence in this spot very soon. I don't know why just this one is fainting, it's not like I only water the plants around it.

DH has planned our weekend which includes spending Friday night at a friends house and spending Saturday night in Charlotte. Which means I won't be home to water the flowers for all of Saturday and most of Sunday. Under the hot sun of the South this means I may be replacing all of the impatiens next week.

And this is how agitated I am ... this weekend is supposed to be fun! I used to like getting away but I just feel really resentful that I won't be able to tend the garden for a couple of days.

Being a basket case
Remember how I was having good days? Those were nice.

I hope my therapist enjoyed my cheerful mood last week because in one hour she's going to get bombarded by a whirl wind of confused and angry emotions. For a sneak peak at today's issues:
1. A Walk to Remember is coming up ... I don't want to go alone but I don't think anyone will want to come with me and I don't want to try to enjoy the ceremony with someone who feels uncomfortable being there.
2. The book I just finished (cited below) says that for a completion of grieving assigning some meaning to the loss is necessary. I am rebelliously refusing to find meaning because no lesson or "bigger picture" seems worth how bad I feel about the deadbaby.
3. A friend said that the baby will never be forgotten but will find a place in me to reside where he is cherished. Sometimes I'm pretty upset with the baby for not growing correctly and I'm ashamed by this anger towards him. I have a great deal of love for him but I also feel other emotions towards him, negative emotions.

Off to overwhelm my therapist!

Butterflies visit the garden everyday now. Today two swallowtails (I think, I still need to learn to identify different butterflies) and two little white butterflies flew around me, surrounding me for a second, as I inspected the garden. Most of the perennials are doing well and getting larger. Japanese beetles dining on the leaves of some plants is still an issue but it's getting better. Half of the impatiens are large and pretty, half are wilty and sad looking.

Here's a fuzzy photo of one of the white butterflies. Some chewed up leaves are nicely in focus, stupid beetles.



The clematis I thought I had killed has resurrected and looks so pretty. The clematis that I got this year and was doing so well for a while is now all brown and crispy; perhaps it will come back next year.
















The new Jizo statue arrived safe and sound last week. It's still in the house hanging out with the other one. I'm making up a sort of "welcome to the garden" ceremony, I'll probably place the statue alone but might invite some friends over for a party later and show them the garden. I have a very long set of prayer flags to hang in some trees opposite of the garden and then I thought I'd make a bunch of origami butterflies to hang around the garden. I imagined myself lovingly, contentedly and carefully folding beautiful origami paper into delicate butterflies. HA! Origami is much more difficult than I anticipated! The introduction to a book of origami instructions mentioned the concentration development that occurs with the practice of origami. I am pathetically short on concentration and patience lately. Folded and refolded pieces of colorful origami paper are strew about my living room, and there is not one completed butterfly! My plan is to find a new set of butterfly making instructions and maybe convince some friends to help me.


One of the last questions for the National Birth Defects Prevention Study interview was "What do you think causes birth defects?" Not my baby's defect in particular, birth defects in general. I both very much like and very much dislike that question. I like it because I think it's a good idea to ask study participants about what they think risk factors or health outcomes are; answers could help with generating hypotheses (in the instance where the causes are unknown, like some birth defects) and I think people like having a chance to talk about how they think they are affected. I answered the question very generally: genetics, environmental exposures, maternal health factors (perhaps I mentioned infection specifically), but I wish I had also said something about my baby's condition.

No doctor has given me any hint of why Toren never made kidneys. There is no family history of renal agenesis in our families; the pathology report found the baby to be chromosomally normal. I was told repeatedly that I did not do anything to cause it, but I think there has to be some explanation for the agenesis. Was it some medication I used before I knew I was pregnant? Did the asymptomatic urinary tract infection I was diagnosed with at the first prenatal visit mess up his development? What about the velamentous cord insertion and all of the bleeding from that; did he just not get enough blood flow to develop all of his organs?

Last night with the house to myself, armed with a glass of nice wine I set out to review the literature on bilateral renal agenesis. All along my fear has been that there are studies out there identifying the risk factors, and then I would feel guilty for unknowingly causing my son to not be compatible with life. Instead, beyond a genetic component, I again found no explanation. I'm waiting for one more article.

Having no answer is frustrating. At least if I knew some risk factors I could avoid those things the next time I attempted pregnancy. As it is, beyond stopping medications earlier, I know of nothing to do next time to ensure a healthy pregnancy. Of course a pregnancy which results in a live baby that you take home cannot be promised, no matter how good you are, and I hate that right now.

Summer activities have kept me too busy to write; I've a mental list though of things to discuss - all GOOD things, making progress through the grief mire kinds of things. I wanted to tell you about how well the garden is doing and post some pictures of it, and tell you about my resolve to return to the gym and do tons of yoga. Now that company is gone and the house is still the "happy" phase has taken a hiatus. Thanks for visiting, it was nice while it lasted.

Depressed musings begin here, feel free to stop reading at this point.

Gardening
I have banned myself from the garden. A few days ago I got unreasonably upset by snarky comments addressed to me via LJ and retreated to the garden to calm down. I saw a butterfly flitting around the impatiens. It was the first one I've seen and I didn't expect to see any this year due to the spray I used during the Japanese Beetle saga (perhaps more battling the beetles later since that is actually useful information). I just stood there, unmoving, mouth agape. It was joined by another butterfly, both small and white. They explored the impatiens, then my gardenias, then the neighbors yard, back to the impatiens ...

Most of the planting is done in the garden, just a few ground cover plants and annuals to place. Otherwise the work of creating the garden is almost done - next is maintenance and providing an environment that encourages growth. After weeks of work one would, should, be happy with the progress, especially with seeing butterflies, since that is a major point of the garden.

It's odd then how much I hate the garden sometimes - my sanctuary, my prayer, my distraction. A few hours after seeing the butterflies I had a vision where I leveled the garden. Plants ripped out, cut apart, stomped into a pulp. Trellis twisted, glass centerpiece shattered. Rocks screamed at then thrown out of the yard. I can't face the garden right now. I don't trust myself to nurture it. Luckily this area is getting rain this week and hopefully by the time I need to water again I'll be eager to look for new growth and such.

The Jizo statue arrived last week but it's head had broken off during transit. It's this statue. A replacement statue is expected to arrive next week. I wanted to do something special to welcome Jizo to the garden...not sure what to do though.

Lame, sad stuff
The snarky comment that upset me was because I didn't talk to someone in the grocery store. Hurt her feelings, obviously retaliation is a must by telling all of our mutual friends how much I suck. Whatever... this kind of stuff doesn't bother me too much, however it made me realize that I am in AnnaLand a lot.

The density of the fog I've been living in has me shocked, horrified, ashamed. Through the haze, introductions, faces, names are obscured and quickly forgotten. I don't look at people in grocery stores, I don't care who may be there.

Most of the time now I hold it together - polite, happy appearance, well aware that this is what is expected of me while in public and at home with my husband. I've been crying for the past two nights though. Little things set me off. The down mood began before I even checked the calendar to see what was going on last year... wow, suddenly I'm having trouble even writing about this ... about a year ago my son was implanting. The pregnancy was beginning. It seems impossible that it was that long ago. Almost an entire year out of my life has been wasted, spent in sorrow, barely getting through the days.

This has gotten too sad for me now. More later.

Contemplating the wretched state of the garden the thought pops into my head "I garden about as well as I grow healthy babies".

My therapists and doctors would be so disappointed. After being told repeatedly that one cannot do anything to cause bilateral renal agenesis, deep down I still kind of feel like a failure. And yes, that is therapistS and doctorS. It takes a freaking village of health professionals to get me through not having a baby.

Yesterday I had a check in with my psychiatrist and she scheduled me for an appointment next week also just in case I need to talk to someone while my therapist I usually see on a weekly basis is on vacation. Yesterday I felt a little silly for making the extra appointment but now I'm glad I did.

Just having so many doctors makes me feel a bit down. One, because I find myself in such a bad place that I need this much help. And two, because I know I have so many people/professionals I could call to get me through a mental health emergency but no one has the ANSWER to feeling better. It's like we're all watching and waiting for this distress to dissipate and it just takes so long.

You know, there's just not enough time in the day to be very productive at work, take care of the house, and do all of the other daily tasks while desperately keeping a hold of your sanity post deadbaby.

Yeah, this is a big downer, today is just a difficult day for some reason.

The garden today

My not-so-green thumb is apparently a huge improvement over my husbands we-have-a-garden-? method of watering outdoors. I spent 5 days out of state at a family reunion and before leaving asked hubby to water the plants outside if it didn't rain, and make sure the cats are cared for. Basically, don't let things die while I'm away! On the day I traveled back he watered the houseplants that have taken up their summer residence on the deck; he didn't water the memorial garden at all.

After baking in the hot Southern sun for 5 days the garden doesn't look so good right now. The transplanted clematis was completely brown and dry so I clipped it away. The new clematis developed a dead vine so that part was removed too. The butterfly bushes are hanging in there and have tiny blooms! The sprouting of sown seeds is still questionable but there are some itty bitty plants that do not look like the weeds I recognize so I have hope. Tonight I pulled some weeds and watered well.

Overall, the garden still looks more like a patch of dirt with some random plants than a real garden. It's time to find more "stuff" for it. Perhaps stepping stones, cute butterfly decorative things, and some more plants. Growing plants from seeds is something that I just need to do in this garden. However, I also need some faster progress - instant gratification - faster transformation from weedy dirt bed to a pretty place. I'd like to, need to, have it into a decent shape, including a Jizo garden statue, by November 8, the first year anniversary of my son's delivery.

Now for too much information. This is a new blog and I'm not sure where it's going to go; I'm not sure how much of my crazy side I want to write about. For tonight I'm just writing and may remove parts later.

Even though the garden is not looking great it is not the ugliest thing in my life this week. Yesterday turned into a bad day. To set the scene, the day before was spent in airports after visiting with family (which is not a "good thing", rather attendance at family reunions is my duty), then I suspected hubby did not water my garden (a far away glance revealed the dead branches of the clematis and I couldn't face the plants up close yesterday). So yesterday mornings therapy session was entered feeling exhausted, frustrated and hurt by stupid things some family members said to me, and extremely sad that my husband would forget to keep my garden alive while I was away. The session brought many emotions to the forefront. Then I read a message that my friend has a new nephew. Then I read an e-mail from a friend in response to an e-mail answering her question if the rumors of me being pregnant were true. She said that if it's "meant to be" we will have a baby someday. Well wishes such as "meant to be" kind of send me over the edge lately. At dinner I ask my husband if he wants to stay married and did not get an answer of "most definitely". Second margarita is ordered. Suddenly I must see a friend so I end up at her house chain smoking and doing tequila shots while crying and talking about things that would have been kept boiling inside if I had not been plastered. This is followed by passing out on her couch and then 12 hours of vomiting. Another not-my-finest moment.

But today I feel much better (now that the hangover has subsided). I do not know the details of last night after I passed out but my husband has been kinder today and I feel so much comfort knowing that people care that I had a crappy weekend and want to help me. Kind of looking forward to tomorrow...

Beginnings

The garden is still primarily a patch of dirt - dirt with small plants sprouting up. Unfortunately I can't tell the difference at this tiny stage between the sprouts of seeds deliberately sown and weeds declaring a space theirs.

Are you a violet or a weed?
Baby's breath or weed?
Sunflower or weed?

There are a few other items planted in the new garden. Two small butterfly bushes; one should have white flowers, the other purple. A trellis with a decorative glass centerpiece. One small clematis still establishing a root system has heroically produced 3 mauve flowers; it's neighbor on the opposite side of the trellis appears to have died. This dead clematis is a transplant, coming from a spot by the deck where it struggled for years, its main stem badly damaged during transplantation by my clumsy movements. Can clematis be propagated through cuttings? Without even bothering to Google it I have taken clippings, placed them in a glass of water on the window ledge above the kitchen sink, and examine the submerged stalks daily looking for sprouting roots. So far nothing.

The memorial garden itself is in a rather unfortunate location. It's an oddly shaped section of soil, surrounded by brick pathways, at the Northwest corner of the house. The centerpiece of this section of yard is the air conditioning unit. Also included are an old stump from the huge tree that leaned over the house when we first moved in, and a sharp dip to the land where the rain gutters let out and the rushing water has eroded away the dirt. The rotting stump provides growing grounds for interesting fungi.

I'm sitting outdoors facing a patch of dirt, thinking ... all you can do is smile gently at yourself sometimes. Two days ago the horn from a car behind me, urging me to the appropriate action called for by a green light, snapped me from reverie of wondering if this was the afternoon my life would change with the arrival of the latest self-help book ordered. It didn't arrive that day, but yesterday my anticipation was fulfilled by a small package in the mailbox. Frantic skimming of the opening chapters filled me with hope that "When Bad Things Happen to Good People" could provide much desired information.

"Oh! The places you will go!" My life has turned into a search for meaning, a search for an explanation for a dead baby. Or, in the chance that there is no explanation, a way out of this slump. While waiting I tend the garden ... digging ... watering ... watching for growth.

I'm sorry to say so
but, sadly, it's true
and Hang-ups
can happen to you.

You can get all hung up
in a prickle-ly perch.
And your gang will fly on.
You'll be left in a Lurch.

You'll come down from the Lurch
with an unpleasant bump.
And the chances are, then,
that you'll be in a Slump.

And when you're in a Slump,
you're not in for much fun.
Un-slumping yourself
is not easily done.

-Dr. Seuss