Guess who I saw!!!
Debbie from It's just me (along with 2pac and P. Diddy) visited my region of the world and I was able to meet her! Debbie is super duper sweet and fun and if we lived in the same area I would want to hang out with her often. We sweated in the Southern heat, laughed at/with her colleagues, and caught up IN REAL LIFE!
AnnaLand gossip
My trip out West to visit family and attend a conference was fantastic and just what I needed. I can't even believe that a few days before I was supposed to fly out I considered canceling the trip because I was just too depressed to leave the house. Upon returning to my silent, lonely home I realized how much I enjoyed being around other people, whether it was sleeping in my Dad's living room or on the hide-a-bed in their hotel room or in my own bed sharing a hotel room with a colleague. I loved saying "goodnight" to someone and not eating every meal alone. So while it was sad to return to "my reality" I discovered that I CAN be happier. Thus, I have promised myself that if, after renting out the spare rooms of my home, I am not happy enough I will leave. I will fucking walk away from this fucking house, this investment for my family's fucking future. I will go home to my Mother and leave the ex to figure out how to pay the mortgage and keep up with repairs. He can put the damn thing up for sale or lose it to the bank - I won't care! BUT FIRST I will make a serious effort to make my home happier by getting some housemates.
Which leads to piece of gossip #2: Yesterday I posted ads for the rooms. It is very stressful. So far 3 people have responded and I am convinced that all of them are scams (although I'm not sure how they could be scamming me, or why). When I don't hear anything for several hours I start to freak out and think that I'll never rent the rooms, then when an inquiry arrives I freak out because I'm so suspicious. At first I was thinking that the worst case scenario would be to be murdered by a loser renter. Then I thought that death wouldn't be so bad considering I've been whining about being alive for so long and I may have an opportunity to try out some of my boxing moves before being slaughtered. No, the worst case scenario would be my sweet kitties being harmed during a robbery or my murder. The ads were only posted just over 24 hours ago and I am this worked up...
So, every crazy person in the area may answer my ad but I'm just going to remember that I'm certifiable - I've been 1013'd and hauled off to treatment in the back of a sheriff's car so I can outcrazy the best of them. Um, yeah, that was my "assert yourself" and "call them on bullshit" fight song.
All of this was brought on by gossip snippet #3: Every time I see another e-mail from my bank telling me about another fucking overdraft charge I get so freaking angry at the ex for not bothering to contribute ANY money towards the mortgage this month or bothering to give any explanation for why he's ignoring my requests for it. I hope he can live with himself while he shirks his prior commitments and pays rent somewhere else. Of course I'll never say any of this to him, but if I could manage to speak around him I'd say "You fucking closed off, immature, adulterous man, so far I think of you often but someday you will never cross my mind."
Further inflammatory remarks in gossip passage #4: I am destitute. But it's not pissing me off as much as it could. Instead it's kind of empowering! No car insurance, no natural gas service (which means no hot water or cooking), and only $15 in gift cards and cash to live on since Friday. I'm living off the land (horray for my awesome veg garden!) and out of the freezer. Also, I'd like to give a big shout out to the George Foreman Grill which has allowed me to cook the turkey burgers from the freezer. Everyday I am just so thankful that I have food to eat and that it's hot enough outside that cold showers are not so bad. My goal for next month is to not have any utilities turned off.
Gossip story #5, a tale of self-assertion: There is a hope of acheiving that goal because I canceled all current and future appointments with Therapist 2. It wasn't pretty. Of course she asked if there were reasons beyond financial for my desire to leave therapy and you know what, there are! I felt uncomfortable many times. I was referred to her for trauma treatment and it turned into regular psychotherapy plus group therapy, which would have been ok if my insurance had been filed properly. Again, of course I didn't say anything beyond "I need a break". Anywoo, it's my fault for continuing to write the checks and spending hundreds every month, but by not paying her I should be able to keep the utilities on.
Finally, HOPE: I get paid soon. In July I'm starting a budget. Starting in July I will not pay my ex's bills (other than health insurance). On payday I will start my own car insurance policy and the bill will be less than $60/month and I'll be able to access information about my account without needing my ex's password or last 4 digits of his SSN. On Thursday the gas will be turned on and I'll have my own natural gas account rather than needing the ex to authorize anything on the account.
Wow, didn't think all of that would spill onto the screen...on first glance it may not look shiny and pretty in AnnaLand but a gleam is working its way in.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Next year I'm going to follow the recommendations for seed spacing. It's become very crowded in the garden!
Here is the layout of my gardens (replanting the lawn that died during the drought has clearly not been a priority). At the bottom left of the photo are watermelon plants (they are not doing so great); at the bottom right is a corner of the pumpkin patch; the vegetable garden is ahead and the butterfly garden is across the path from that, right next to the house. This photo was taken last weekend and already the vegetable garden is MUCH LARGER!
Here's Sasha kitty checking to see if the catnip seeds planted in the pot grew, something grew but I don't think it is the catnip :( Also pictured are romaine and red leaf lettuce, green onions, lemon cucumbers (caged on the left), tomato stalks with basil and parsley.
This photo was taken at the end of May before the cucumbers went through their growth spurt. The path is covered with vines right now and the tomatoes are 6 feet tall. When designing the garden I had visions of gracefully and leisurely walking down the path, picking ripe vegetables; it's more like playing Twister right now as I avoid stepping on plants!
The plants from last year in the butterfly garden are getting really big but the seeds I planted have been very disappointing. I don't know why they did so poorly. It's hard to see what's going on in this photo so I guess it's included here more for me. The first blooms on the purple butterfly bush are there, but are lost in a dark spot; I added two pinwheels and I like the shining movements they provide - makes the garden feel less lonely.
This butterfly chime is new.
Here's a photo of the stone added to the garden this year. Chokes me up still.
.........................
It's not been awesome in my headspace lately. I swear I'm not purposefully making things hard for myself or doing things to slow down my progress in therapy. Therapist 2 suggested I pretend like I feel like being alive to see if that intention will turn into reality. Ok, but I'd still prefer if therapy would just lead to ACTUALLY feeling better.
I head West in a few days and I'm nervous to see my family because I don't want them to know how poorly I've been doing. The name of the game will be to keep them doing the talking!!! I am eager to see the desert and maybe I can arrange a trip to the Pacific Ocean but overall getting excited enough for the trip to actually make progress in preparing to go has not happened - I arrive in Phoenix on Thursday and will end up in Anaheim during the weekend where I'll stay until Wednesday.
I used to love to travel.
Here is the layout of my gardens (replanting the lawn that died during the drought has clearly not been a priority). At the bottom left of the photo are watermelon plants (they are not doing so great); at the bottom right is a corner of the pumpkin patch; the vegetable garden is ahead and the butterfly garden is across the path from that, right next to the house. This photo was taken last weekend and already the vegetable garden is MUCH LARGER!
Here's Sasha kitty checking to see if the catnip seeds planted in the pot grew, something grew but I don't think it is the catnip :( Also pictured are romaine and red leaf lettuce, green onions, lemon cucumbers (caged on the left), tomato stalks with basil and parsley.
This photo was taken at the end of May before the cucumbers went through their growth spurt. The path is covered with vines right now and the tomatoes are 6 feet tall. When designing the garden I had visions of gracefully and leisurely walking down the path, picking ripe vegetables; it's more like playing Twister right now as I avoid stepping on plants!
The plants from last year in the butterfly garden are getting really big but the seeds I planted have been very disappointing. I don't know why they did so poorly. It's hard to see what's going on in this photo so I guess it's included here more for me. The first blooms on the purple butterfly bush are there, but are lost in a dark spot; I added two pinwheels and I like the shining movements they provide - makes the garden feel less lonely.
This butterfly chime is new.
Here's a photo of the stone added to the garden this year. Chokes me up still.
.........................
It's not been awesome in my headspace lately. I swear I'm not purposefully making things hard for myself or doing things to slow down my progress in therapy. Therapist 2 suggested I pretend like I feel like being alive to see if that intention will turn into reality. Ok, but I'd still prefer if therapy would just lead to ACTUALLY feeling better.
I head West in a few days and I'm nervous to see my family because I don't want them to know how poorly I've been doing. The name of the game will be to keep them doing the talking!!! I am eager to see the desert and maybe I can arrange a trip to the Pacific Ocean but overall getting excited enough for the trip to actually make progress in preparing to go has not happened - I arrive in Phoenix on Thursday and will end up in Anaheim during the weekend where I'll stay until Wednesday.
I used to love to travel.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
I have to pee...
... about every 10 to 30 minutes.
No pain.
Almost two years ago a had an asymptomatic UTI which was only diagnosed because my OB's office tested all patients. I was called a day after my first prenatal visit and was prescribed antibiotics. I don't know how long I had had the infection. I had been feeling like crap for weeks but I thought those were pregnancy symptoms, and before the positive pregnancy test I thought I was just under the weather.
Now, I've been under the weather for 2 weeks. Now, my ex is moving out ... my old life is moving further away ... I'm very upset so perhaps I just need to tinkle because I'm ultra nervous.
In case it is just neuroticism I don't want to see a doctor. Also I don't want to say the words "UTI", or hear it discussed, or pee in a cup. I don't want to think about kidneys and bladders. Without a family history of kidney problems, the causes of bilateral renal agensis are still unknown, but two "bad" things happened early in my pregnancy and I suspect one of them is the culprit: was it the UTI or the velamentous cord insertion? Which one killed my son? There has to be a cause!! How come a UTI could be ultimately fatal to a fetus (in this scenario of jumping to conclusions) but if left untreated I doubt I would die? How come people die of stupid things everyday but I can't just fall over lifeless from a broken heart?
I don't know why I get out of bed everyday. Today is just a bad day, other days are bearable.
The water broke for a very pregnant coworker down the hall, I guess she is going to the hospital now.
I'm going to the ladies room.
edit
Would you believe there was then a parade of strollers full of baby boys through my office? Ok, actually it was only one stroller and one tiny baby boy but it felt like more. Today is crushing.
No pain.
Almost two years ago a had an asymptomatic UTI which was only diagnosed because my OB's office tested all patients. I was called a day after my first prenatal visit and was prescribed antibiotics. I don't know how long I had had the infection. I had been feeling like crap for weeks but I thought those were pregnancy symptoms, and before the positive pregnancy test I thought I was just under the weather.
Now, I've been under the weather for 2 weeks. Now, my ex is moving out ... my old life is moving further away ... I'm very upset so perhaps I just need to tinkle because I'm ultra nervous.
In case it is just neuroticism I don't want to see a doctor. Also I don't want to say the words "UTI", or hear it discussed, or pee in a cup. I don't want to think about kidneys and bladders. Without a family history of kidney problems, the causes of bilateral renal agensis are still unknown, but two "bad" things happened early in my pregnancy and I suspect one of them is the culprit: was it the UTI or the velamentous cord insertion? Which one killed my son? There has to be a cause!! How come a UTI could be ultimately fatal to a fetus (in this scenario of jumping to conclusions) but if left untreated I doubt I would die? How come people die of stupid things everyday but I can't just fall over lifeless from a broken heart?
I don't know why I get out of bed everyday. Today is just a bad day, other days are bearable.
The water broke for a very pregnant coworker down the hall, I guess she is going to the hospital now.
I'm going to the ladies room.
edit
Would you believe there was then a parade of strollers full of baby boys through my office? Ok, actually it was only one stroller and one tiny baby boy but it felt like more. Today is crushing.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Lunch date postponed :(
And I look cute today... at least cute for my new old, bitter, and broken self. I have aged so much in the past year and a half. I feel too old to be successful at starting my life over.
I'd like to go hit the punching bag but my nose is running too much (stupid cold). I'd spend too much time wiggling in and out of the gloves, alternating throwing punches and blowing my nose.
Earlier this week I agreed to pick my ex up from the airport with just hours notice (even though I requested a days notice). I didn't have much to say and couldn't speak very loud anyway with my sore throat. He didn't have much to say either. He made himself right at home in my little car by using the cigarette lighter to charge his phone, then he kept busy by texting and talking on the phone. And I remembered how much I've always hated that! I'd forgotten that it was usual for him to text other people while with me. Like I was invisible.
Since he has been in the house again I can't sleep. For the past week or so I haven't been taking traz0d0ne (since I suspect it makes me too groggy in the mornings) and I've been SLEEPING! Sleeping without listening to meditations on my iPod all night even! But for the last two nights I've needed the iPod on, and sleep has been very restless.
I feel sad, but something is different. I'm almost feeling stronger. It's like I'm one breath away from ... a new way of thinking ... a mental shift ... a scrap of positive self esteem perhaps ...
That's all. I just wanted to let you know why a date report was not going to be given.
I'd like to go hit the punching bag but my nose is running too much (stupid cold). I'd spend too much time wiggling in and out of the gloves, alternating throwing punches and blowing my nose.
Earlier this week I agreed to pick my ex up from the airport with just hours notice (even though I requested a days notice). I didn't have much to say and couldn't speak very loud anyway with my sore throat. He didn't have much to say either. He made himself right at home in my little car by using the cigarette lighter to charge his phone, then he kept busy by texting and talking on the phone. And I remembered how much I've always hated that! I'd forgotten that it was usual for him to text other people while with me. Like I was invisible.
Since he has been in the house again I can't sleep. For the past week or so I haven't been taking traz0d0ne (since I suspect it makes me too groggy in the mornings) and I've been SLEEPING! Sleeping without listening to meditations on my iPod all night even! But for the last two nights I've needed the iPod on, and sleep has been very restless.
I feel sad, but something is different. I'm almost feeling stronger. It's like I'm one breath away from ... a new way of thinking ... a mental shift ... a scrap of positive self esteem perhaps ...
That's all. I just wanted to let you know why a date report was not going to be given.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Obsess at home!
As an aging, reluctantly single, deadbaby mama one would think the last thing I need is the ability to test my ovarian reserve every single month all on my own. But you are crazy if you think my next day 3 will go by with using this.
No clue how this happened but I have a lunch date next week. I don't know how much of a "date" it is but it is a meal with a cutie where I suppose I should talk about things other than my dead son and absent husband. WHAT ELSE IS THERE?
I've been sick all weekend. It has been 75 hours since I have seen another human being. 50 hours of that time was a feverish blur. It's very very sad to be single when you are sick. Makes me want to move near my mom.
No clue how this happened but I have a lunch date next week. I don't know how much of a "date" it is but it is a meal with a cutie where I suppose I should talk about things other than my dead son and absent husband. WHAT ELSE IS THERE?
I've been sick all weekend. It has been 75 hours since I have seen another human being. 50 hours of that time was a feverish blur. It's very very sad to be single when you are sick. Makes me want to move near my mom.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Incredibly random post
My new-ish neighbors' dogs howl when they hear sirens. I wonder what the dogs are thinking. Do they howl because they are inspired to sing by the loud shrieks of emergency vehicles or are the unnerved by the sounds hitting their sensitive ears? Then I realized that I felt like yelling with the sirens.
"Someone's hurt, someone is hurt!"
"help help help help help help send help!"
"Oh no! Oh no! Oh no!"
Because someone's life may be falling apart at that very moment. Someone may not live. Someone's house may be burning down. Someone's child may be dead. Someone may be on their way to becoming as lost and lonely as me. That all freaks me out right now.
If you hear a news report of some woman in the South hauled into a mental hospital after being found pacing her garden, yelling with sirens, while wearing boxing gloves, please send cards of encouragement! Appropriate sentiments would be "hope they don't throw away the key!", "They say you need a lobotomy, it could be worse!", and "good luck with your crazy roommate!"
Seriously though, I did see a card that was a divorce announcement. It looked like a "normal" card on the front cover and said something about how life has to change and move forward and then on the inside it says something like "Just wanted to let you know about my divorce". Maybe I'm just ultra sensitive concerning divorce but that card did not impress me in positive ways.
I feel like I could go on and on with random thoughts. Maybe I'm lonely. I'm going to a real life support group tonight and hopefully spending time with women who "get it" will calm me down a touch.
"Someone's hurt, someone is hurt!"
"help help help help help help send help!"
"Oh no! Oh no! Oh no!"
Because someone's life may be falling apart at that very moment. Someone may not live. Someone's house may be burning down. Someone's child may be dead. Someone may be on their way to becoming as lost and lonely as me. That all freaks me out right now.
If you hear a news report of some woman in the South hauled into a mental hospital after being found pacing her garden, yelling with sirens, while wearing boxing gloves, please send cards of encouragement! Appropriate sentiments would be "hope they don't throw away the key!", "They say you need a lobotomy, it could be worse!", and "good luck with your crazy roommate!"
Seriously though, I did see a card that was a divorce announcement. It looked like a "normal" card on the front cover and said something about how life has to change and move forward and then on the inside it says something like "Just wanted to let you know about my divorce". Maybe I'm just ultra sensitive concerning divorce but that card did not impress me in positive ways.
I feel like I could go on and on with random thoughts. Maybe I'm lonely. I'm going to a real life support group tonight and hopefully spending time with women who "get it" will calm me down a touch.
Monday, May 18, 2009
I hate reproduction
Seriously. What nasty business the freaking miracle of life can be. Works out well for some people but leads straight to heartache for others.
My sister is having trouble getting pregnant. After doing everything right by waiting for a wonderful guy to marry and waiting for the right time for children now her eggs are old.
I HATE OLD EGGS!
I want my sister to get the miracle version of reproduction. Can't I just be the token reproductive failure of the family?
Sigh.
............................
For some good news, I loved my boxing lesson yesterday and can't wait to get back to the gym to practice some drills. The joints of my arms from fingers to shoulders are a little sore (as expected) but I think I'll be ready to hit the bag again on Wednesday.
Anybody else have non-reproductive related good news?
My sister is having trouble getting pregnant. After doing everything right by waiting for a wonderful guy to marry and waiting for the right time for children now her eggs are old.
I HATE OLD EGGS!
I want my sister to get the miracle version of reproduction. Can't I just be the token reproductive failure of the family?
Sigh.
............................
For some good news, I loved my boxing lesson yesterday and can't wait to get back to the gym to practice some drills. The joints of my arms from fingers to shoulders are a little sore (as expected) but I think I'll be ready to hit the bag again on Wednesday.
Anybody else have non-reproductive related good news?
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