Moving on, but in what direction?

Sometimes it feels like all we do is have discussions and cry.  We both miss how our relationship was when we didn't live together and Monday he said he would move out and we will try to get back to how things were.  Having him move out was exactly what I was wanting to happen, however it was so painful to hear him say those words.  So it made for a rough afternoon.  We decided he should wait until I found some housemates.

That evening we went to a movie to kill time then came home and had sex after which I immediately started hoping for a pregnancy.

I'm giving myself mixed messages.

This situation is not going to have a final answer anytime soon.  Seriously, I do not have a clue about relationships.

So, the good news is that we have been getting along fantastically again!  His mood perks up with pep talks so maybe I just need to give him frequent nudges to be happy and responsible.



.....

It is such a relief having Christmas now in the past.  It was a lovely day!  At the same time it was so far from how I want things to be.

Rather than clinging to the idea that Christmas has to be a certain way with lots of tradition I'm going to make sure to include doing something new every year.  There will probably always be special breakfast and dinner with family or close friends (mostly because there's eating involved and I'm a huge fan of that), the tree will probably always be put up too, but maybe I'll use different decorations someday.  I guess the point is that I want to approach each year with less rigidity so when changes come along I can see that as a chance to try something new rather than worrying about how to recreate the changed factor somewhere else.

There's still this idea that Toren should be here to open presents.  And my husband should be here to make his special coffee for breakfast and to spoil us.  We should have a second child by now.  The bottom couple of feet of the tree should be free from my glass ornaments, in fact the whole tree should be decorated with adorable ornaments that Toren and his sibling(s) would hold and play with and declare specific ones as their favorites.

All of that is not going to happen.  And as my maternal age advances further it's time to start making a backup plan to still be able to enjoy holidays, or any day, child-free.

I can't think about it anymore right now.


.....

Anyway, here is how I like my tree decorated - a glorious, monochromatic heap of silver, white, and black glass.  And there's the velvet tree skirt that I made last month :)

Snugglebunny is allowed to help decorate it but he understands that I will move things around as "necessary".  It all must be visually balanced.  It must be perfect!  And if someday all of the sharp objects and choking hazards are removed to accommodate the curious ways of toddlers, if colorful, durable ornaments are placed on the tree only as high as young children can reach, leaving the top half bare, that will be perfect too.

You definitely know those moments when everything changes.

How about those thoughts that are so innocuous by themselves but all of a sudden you know that they can't be un-thought and things have changed now?  I keep saying how I want to leave behind this house of memories and that I'm jealous that my husband got out of here.  But it wasn't until about an hour ago that I thought about moving to a specific location.  You can want to leave all you like but if you don't have anywhere to go it's harder to make that happen.  My mom is talking about moving to Utah soon.  I rather like Salt Lake City.  I could move.

And it would be just me (and the cats), I would not invite my boyfriend.  It feels absolutely horrible to convert that thought into a form of communication.  I wouldn't be able to say it out loud. 

Things have really not turned out as expected.  Living together was supposed to be beautiful but instead there's too much of me supporting him financially, him being possessive, and way too many promises for the future that never seem to make it out of idea form.  I am pretty miserable after one year of it and I don't know how to get out of living with him.  He knows exactly what to say to get me to give it all another chance.  I do love him and care deeply for him but more and more feel like this relationship is not going in the intended direction. 

At what point is it sensible to say that the things you are doing are simply not working?  Maybe it's time to stop trying to bend things to be how I want them.  Maybe it's time to let the backyard remain swing set free.  Maybe it's time to stop willing this to be a family home.  Maybe it's time to move back in with my mother.

Well.  The holiday's are here.  I kind of changed my mind about taking a lot of drugs this winter. 

In the past 5-6 weeks I have:
- read 4 books
- painted two rooms in my house
- made the tree skirt that I bought all the fabric for four years ago
- hosted Thanksgiving dinner
- made 20 tree ornaments (hand sculpted from polymer clay and painted)


All in addition to the normal stuff so that's quite a bit of activity for me!  What changed?  I ran out of antidepressants and since I still don't have health insurance going to see my doctor for a prescription refill is out of my budget.

I have a history of depression and anxiety and it was over 4 years ago, on the day of Toren's birth defect diagnosis, when my ob/gyn questioned me about it and gave me handfuls of Lex.apro sample packets before leaving her office.  I think I took the first pill in the parking lot.  Eight days and one delivery of a stillborn later Xan.ax was added to the mix.  Over the past 4 years I have also taken lithium, trazodone, cym.balta, wel.butrin, clonazepam, and there may have been one more that I can't remember right now, in varying combinations and doses. 

It is incredible to FEEL again!  And it is wonderful to have some energy.  When I feel happy now it's an un-muted sense of joy that feels so genuine that sometimes I think I could burst!  But the low moods are also untempered. 

It's seems like there isn't a good solution to depression.  Medication numbs all emotions.  It feels like I haven't really been alive for the past 4 years, which is kind of good considering some of the things that happened, and now I would like be unmedicated but I don't know how long I can handle the dark moods.

.....

I sat down to write tonight after being overwhelmed by a wave of envy of women who have spouses or reliable boyfriends.  While married I didn't realize just how great it was to have someone to share the burdens of the stuff life tosses at you.  Being divorced and self-sufficient is good too but there are some things I struggle to handle and I wish I had some help.

.....

I've been out and about more which means running into my ex and he has said some messed up things to me, most of which I started to tell you about but those writings are still drafts in blogging limbo.  Just two days ago he emailed asking if he could have any Christmas decorations I wasn't using.  This will be our fourth Christmas apart and it's really confusing and upsetting for him to ask for items of our holiday's together after so much time has passed.  There are more things I'm getting rid of and I said he could have those but I'm suspecting he was looking for something specific that I don't have (a family item that I never had, I think they forgot who actually possessed it) because he stopped replying after a while.  He's moving soon.  Back across the country.  Instead of feeling relief that I wouldn't see him out anymore I feel so much sadness that the rift between us will never be repaired and also I'm so jealous that he gets to leave, again.  I would love to just walk away from this house and the memories that have built up here.

.....

This feels like an unfinished thought but since drafts are way outnumbering published posts I'm just going to publish this now. 

How are the holiday's treating you?

This week I have been enjoying going to my NEW JOB! 

My job is fantastic and the people that I work with are nice (which is a huge improvement over my last job) and it is a research position so I'm actually using my degrees (my last position was admin).

When I was laid off they took my work ID, which is expected but the photo on my card was important.  The photo was taken during new-hire orientation - I had recently graduated, had just had a great summer with my husband, was excited in general, and I was pregnant.  I think that was the only photo taken when I knew was pregnant and was not yet consumed by worry.  I looked happy.  It was painful to have that photo taken away and a few time I thought about contacting HR to see if I could get a photocopy of the card but I didn't want them to think I was crazy and I didn't want to explain why I wanted it so badly and I didn't want to hear that the card had been destroyed already.

The most unexpected things turn out to be important mementos of our missing children.

My new job is back with the same organization and this week I had to submit a photo for my new ID card.  I took over 40 self portraits trying to duplicate the ease of the old photo but in them all I look too old, too strained, too plump, and just too weary to be that person from the old photo again.  This is the one selected because when tiny (like it would be on a ID) I look cheerful enough. 

I mean, it's fine but the last 4 years aged me more than 4 years should, you know?  And now that the hardest parts are in the past and things are looking rather positive I still can't get back to appearing like nothing happened.  I don't want most people to know about my son and my divorce anymore; I don't want to share that much.  Anyway, I don't know where that thought is going... 

I picked up my ID today and here's the photo it has on it

Apparently they kept the old photo on file and I'm so happy that they did :)  It's a relief to have documentation of that short time of utter joy. 

Sock it to me

I love Kym's Sockeroo's!  I want to give a huge "THANK YOU" to my sock buddy Alexicographer who leaves wonderful comments.  Look at the adorable socks she picked out for me - wine and sweets!  She totally hit the mark because I firmly believe that a drink and some chocolate are great coping mechanisms (wallowing in drunken sugar delirium is better than strangling someone)!

Kym gave the following thought to consider during this Sockeroo:
It has been roughly a year and a half since the last SITM Exchange. Reflect on the past 18 or so months – how has support from others, either in the blogosphere or otherwise, helped you?

Away from blogs I rarely seek support for the tough things because so many people are very uncomfortable with anything relating to grief or major loss.  Even with blogging I'm getting quieter, however, when I do bother to say something the support is incredible!  Upon publishing a post, most of the time I think I should have censored it more (to sound less insane), but more often then not the comments are supportive and there are so many other people who say they can relate. 

One of the most striking things I got from group therapy was that there were other people who look competent and put together but who were struggling like I was.  Even without really knowing each other listening, giving encouragement and truly wishing the best for others comes naturally in group therapy.  Kind of like the babyloss blogosphere.  I deeply want everyone of the people I have met through blogging to experience healing and see their dreams actualized and I believe there are people out there who wish the same for me.

Blogging has provided a very different type of relating with others.  I am rarely open about my feelings concerning Toren, divorce, or rainbow making attempts with anyone in person.  I think that expressing frustration and fear about not having conceived a baby yet is one of the more innocuous things I have expressed, but even that makes people look away.  They don't want to ask how the threat of infertility makes me feel given that I have already had heartbreaking luck in making babies that live.  But that is fine (truly!) because I can come here and say that I am so afraid that my parenting story ends with Toren that I can hardly breathe and I know that someone reading can face that horrible feeling with me.  Having someone acknowledge your feelings helps so much.

Now, in real life I have been getting other types of support from my friends and family - wonderful things like love, companionship and fun!  Knowing where to go for the kind of support you need is key.

Thank you all for the mountains of wonderful support you given me!

So, what about you?  What are your thoughts about finding support for the things that hurt terribly?

 Reasons to not be in a relationship with me

1.  Prior experience with marriage has removed all patience I have towards things that make me unhappy.  That being said, it takes a lot to make me unhappy.  But I'm afraid that once that balance is tipped it is hard to get me back to feeling secure.

2.  Neurotic about babies.

3.  Kind of emotionally unstable in general.  However, this one is also a huge benefit much of the time since I'm generally agreeable from being well medicated (relates to point #1).

4.  Not rich.

Why did I think that I'd be much better with a serious relationship because I'd been married?  SB gets excited about "working through problems" and the idea of couples counseling, but to be honest, I have little interest in either right now.

Eh, I'm probably still grumpy from that last menstrual period.

.....

Reasons to DATE me

1.  Generally in good spirits (really!)

2.  Doesn't need much convincing to make-out

3.  Good in bed

 .....

Perks to dating or being in a relationship with me

1.  Will pay for everything if the other person wants me to.

2.  Doesn't complain about episodes of bad sex.

.....

SB moved in last December (replacing one of my housemates) with the agreement that he would contribute to the household bills.  In reality it is very difficult to get him to pay anything and he never gives any money towards his rent without being asked for it.  He is three months behind (the only reason why he is not further behind is because his entire tax return went towards his back rent).  I am unemployed and he works and I am paying for his living expenses and I feel like an idiot.

We have a lot of fun together and it sucks that something as dumb as money has made me unhappy.  We have discussed this over and over and I always believe promises given.  It's to the point where I can't have a casual conversation with him because the main thoughts running through my head are about how dumb I feel because I'm in a bit of a financial pickle now.  I can't lay in my own bedroom and fall asleep because I am so angry.

But I also know that once I get upset I can't see things rationally.  Right now I think my best option is to ask him to move out and rent out the two spare rooms again (the second housemate moved out of state for an internship last month).  Can anyone talk me off of the breaking up ledge?

The music playing through the speakers on my desktop is a little too loud but it compensates somewhat for the rest of the house being so very quiet.

.....

Snuggle Bunny's friends are automatically presumed to be my friends too, which is great and I never even questioned this until the weekend before last when he was encouraging me over and over to have brunch with another couple because they really wanted to see us and this would be their last chance for a while since their baby would be born soon.  I'd been feeling much more relaxed regarding the pregnancies of others, at least from a distance, but didn't feel like seeing how my PTSD was doing lately by sitting across a table from a full-term sized belly.  I suggested that he go alone but he said that they are my friends too and they want to see me, which made me think that I would not spend time with the wife outside of parties and brunch.  She's much too argumentative (have your own opinion but every once in a while you gotta shut up and listen to other people if you want to have friends).  Brunch with a couple that I've seen occasionally for the past 2 years, and that I had just realized I didn't really connect with, did not seem worth risking my emotional state over.  SB suggested I take a clonazepam before we left the house and get a mimosa with brunch.  I did not take kindly to this suggestion of being sedated just to get through a stupid meal gracefully.

Things have not been super great between SB and me lately.

I'd been looking forward to an event tonight.  Then, just when all I am missing is a layer of lipstick before walking out the door, SB faces his phone screen towards me so I can see the photo of the couples daughter who was born a few hours ago.  And I'm really not trying to be a bitch about this or belabor the fact that my son didn't survive, but suddenly I felt the very opposite of hungry and being in a crowded, trendy gastro-pub all night no longer sounded fun.  I said I would drive over myself in a bit (SB is the dj tonight so has to be there from before start and after finish).

I am happy and super relieved that a new baby has been safely delivered.  I don't know why I'm reacting so poorly still.  And while time has helped a great deal, the sadness is kind of transforming into deeper self loathing since I'm ashamed for still being bothered at all and I'm ashamed of not being pregnant yet.  Oh, and I don't feel awesome for not having found a job yet either.  On top of all of this here's how my last period went:
Monday a week ago - spotting, 5-7 days before a period should show up
Tuesday - bleeding
Wednesday - nothing!?
Thursday through Saturday - a fucking blood bath
Sunday - bleeding
Monday - wondering if it will ever end
Today - I think it's wrapping up

Meanwhile SB is determined to impregnate me and keeps talking about it.  I give up!  I'm uncomfortable in this relationship and have completely lost faith that the vision of having a family of my own (in which I would be relaxed and mentally stable) will ever happen.

My car was in the shop for a while and when picking it up a friend suggested that instead of continuing to dislike the car and desire trading it in for something else (just been waiting for a reason and, now, a source of income for car payments), I should just keep it and enjoy it.  This is definitely the easier way to go.  So I stopped thinking about how much I can't wait to get rid of that tiny sports car with no back seat and I'm simply enjoying how fast the little thing goes.

....

That all may sound sad, but overall I've had a great summer and I'm managing well given the stress of being unemployed.  I've been meaning to write for months now but I'm tired of writing this story, I'm exhausted from Toren still being dead.  The next chapter was supposed to be about rainbows. 

Anyway, I've been chattering on about nothing every so often here.