Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Thank you for your note. I'm not sure what to say.
Out of the thousands of feelings from the last 3.5 years I never once have felt like an amazing person. It's more like I am just a person getting through an amazingly bad situation through any means available. Grief is hard and processing it is rarely pretty or nice. You and I took different routes in dealing with Toren dying, and it kind of is as simple as that.
I hope that you have resources for getting through your grief.
I decided that there was no way that I could write anything eloquent as a reply to his message (prior post) while avoiding my usual pitfalls of manipulation, pity-parties, rancid bitterness and over-sharing so I just wrote a reply, deleted half of it, then clicked the send button.
Being called "amazing" makes me very uncomfortable because I'm not sure there was one positive "amazing" aspect about dealing with Toren's death and then that lousy, drawn-out divorce. Amazingly angry, amazingly hurt, and amazingly lonely all fit. An amazing amount of wine was consumed for a while there...
Participating with the March for Babies is a good thing, but also mixed up with the wish that the money raised will lead to fewer deadbabies I used it to let my friends and family know that I was still hurting and each donation and lack of donation has been tallied. I used fundraising as a tool to gauge who I could depend on for emotional support. And perhaps at the very same moment that the ex was thinking that I was "amazing" I was choking back tears and thinking about how I will not participate in the March for Babies next year unless I have my rainbow baby. In all reality, I'll be too strung out from the illicit drug habit I'll be developing over next Christmas, because I cannot face another fucking family oriented holiday with just Toren's memory, to show up on time for the walk anyway. AMAZING!!!
The March for Babies is about hope and it's inspiring to see so many people out there walking with their strollers and children. I am not strong enough to face another March for Babies with unfulfilled hope.
Thank you all for your comments and texts. Seriously, with all my heart, thank you. I'm not ok right now, but I will be later. I really wish divorce came with more emotional relief.