Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

My response

Thank you for your note.  I'm not sure what to say.

Out of the thousands of feelings from the last 3.5 years I never once have felt like an amazing person.  It's more like I am just a person getting through an amazingly bad situation through any means available.  Grief is hard and processing it is rarely pretty or nice.  You and I took different routes in dealing with Toren dying, and it kind of is as simple as that. 

I hope that you have resources for getting through your grief.


I decided that there was no way that I could write anything eloquent as a reply to his message (prior post) while avoiding my usual pitfalls of manipulation, pity-parties, rancid bitterness and over-sharing so I just wrote a reply, deleted half of it, then clicked the send button.

Being called "amazing" makes me very uncomfortable because I'm not sure there was one positive "amazing" aspect about dealing with Toren's death and then that lousy, drawn-out divorce.  Amazingly angry, amazingly hurt, and amazingly lonely all fit.  An amazing amount of wine was consumed for a while there...

Participating with the March for Babies is a good thing, but also mixed up with the wish that the money raised will lead to fewer deadbabies I used it to let my friends and family know that I was still hurting and each donation and lack of donation has been tallied.  I used fundraising as a tool to gauge who I could depend on for emotional support.  And perhaps at the very same moment that the ex was thinking that I was "amazing" I was choking back tears and thinking about how I will not participate in the March for Babies next year unless I have my rainbow baby.  In all reality, I'll be too strung out from the illicit drug habit I'll be developing over next Christmas, because I cannot face another fucking family oriented holiday with just Toren's memory, to show up on time for the walk anyway.  AMAZING!!!

The March for Babies is about hope and it's inspiring to see so many people out there walking with their strollers and children.  I am not strong enough to face another March for Babies with unfulfilled hope.


Thank you all for your comments and texts.  Seriously, with all my heart, thank you.  I'm not ok right now, but I will be later.  I really wish divorce came with more emotional relief.


Elaine said...

wow, I just read your last post and this one. On one hand that seemed like a very heartfelt thing for him to do but I can understand the mixed reaction. Too little too late?
I too struggle with the lack of response/emotion from the people around me to the loss of my son.

debbie said...

You are welcome. Arms out stretched for you. And i have to say i agree with him on that one thing. You are amazing--for reaching out when you need it, grieving when you need to, expressing your emotions, healing yourself, pulling yourself from the depths of your grief, allowing yourself to feel the depths of your grief and loving toren the way you do.
beautifully written anna.

Kristin said...

Oh honey, I wish I could come and sit with you for a while.

Sophie said...

Hugs and then more hugs. xx

Tara said...

I can't imagine writing anything more eloquent than your choice of words.

And, he may truly be sorry for his actions, but regardless, the consequences to you were the same. Whether you hurt someone on purpose or accidentally doesn't mean the person doesn't hurt less.

You are pretty dang amazing, even if you don't always feel it :-)