Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Lunch date postponed :(

And I look cute today... at least cute for my new old, bitter, and broken self. I have aged so much in the past year and a half. I feel too old to be successful at starting my life over.

I'd like to go hit the punching bag but my nose is running too much (stupid cold). I'd spend too much time wiggling in and out of the gloves, alternating throwing punches and blowing my nose.

Earlier this week I agreed to pick my ex up from the airport with just hours notice (even though I requested a days notice). I didn't have much to say and couldn't speak very loud anyway with my sore throat. He didn't have much to say either. He made himself right at home in my little car by using the cigarette lighter to charge his phone, then he kept busy by texting and talking on the phone. And I remembered how much I've always hated that! I'd forgotten that it was usual for him to text other people while with me. Like I was invisible.

Since he has been in the house again I can't sleep. For the past week or so I haven't been taking traz0d0ne (since I suspect it makes me too groggy in the mornings) and I've been SLEEPING! Sleeping without listening to meditations on my iPod all night even! But for the last two nights I've needed the iPod on, and sleep has been very restless.

I feel sad, but something is different. I'm almost feeling stronger. It's like I'm one breath away from ... a new way of thinking ... a mental shift ... a scrap of positive self esteem perhaps ...

That's all. I just wanted to let you know why a date report was not going to be given.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Obsess at home!

As an aging, reluctantly single, deadbaby mama one would think the last thing I need is the ability to test my ovarian reserve every single month all on my own. But you are crazy if you think my next day 3 will go by with using this.

No clue how this happened but I have a lunch date next week. I don't know how much of a "date" it is but it is a meal with a cutie where I suppose I should talk about things other than my dead son and absent husband. WHAT ELSE IS THERE?

I've been sick all weekend. It has been 75 hours since I have seen another human being. 50 hours of that time was a feverish blur. It's very very sad to be single when you are sick. Makes me want to move near my mom.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Incredibly random post

My new-ish neighbors' dogs howl when they hear sirens. I wonder what the dogs are thinking. Do they howl because they are inspired to sing by the loud shrieks of emergency vehicles or are the unnerved by the sounds hitting their sensitive ears? Then I realized that I felt like yelling with the sirens.

"Someone's hurt, someone is hurt!"
"help help help help help help send help!"
"Oh no! Oh no! Oh no!"

Because someone's life may be falling apart at that very moment. Someone may not live. Someone's house may be burning down. Someone's child may be dead. Someone may be on their way to becoming as lost and lonely as me. That all freaks me out right now.

If you hear a news report of some woman in the South hauled into a mental hospital after being found pacing her garden, yelling with sirens, while wearing boxing gloves, please send cards of encouragement! Appropriate sentiments would be "hope they don't throw away the key!", "They say you need a lobotomy, it could be worse!", and "good luck with your crazy roommate!"

Seriously though, I did see a card that was a divorce announcement. It looked like a "normal" card on the front cover and said something about how life has to change and move forward and then on the inside it says something like "Just wanted to let you know about my divorce". Maybe I'm just ultra sensitive concerning divorce but that card did not impress me in positive ways.

I feel like I could go on and on with random thoughts. Maybe I'm lonely. I'm going to a real life support group tonight and hopefully spending time with women who "get it" will calm me down a touch.

Monday, May 18, 2009

I hate reproduction

Seriously. What nasty business the freaking miracle of life can be. Works out well for some people but leads straight to heartache for others.

My sister is having trouble getting pregnant. After doing everything right by waiting for a wonderful guy to marry and waiting for the right time for children now her eggs are old.


I want my sister to get the miracle version of reproduction. Can't I just be the token reproductive failure of the family?



For some good news, I loved my boxing lesson yesterday and can't wait to get back to the gym to practice some drills. The joints of my arms from fingers to shoulders are a little sore (as expected) but I think I'll be ready to hit the bag again on Wednesday.

Anybody else have non-reproductive related good news?

Thursday, May 14, 2009


Expressing anger comes up in therapy a lot. My therapists encourage me to get mad and say what's on my mind instead of suppressing all sorts of negativity.

I was working from home when my ex dropped by unannounced in the middle of the day. After all of the discussion in therapy about standing up for myself and expressing when I'm angry with him all I can manage to do is mumble a few random sentences before starting to cry.

Yup, CRY!

And then smoke half a cigarette (first one in months). And then hide under the covers in bed for two hours wishing that the mattress would just absorb me into it, wishing for my heart to simply stop.

How is it that even when I'm at my least eloquent here in this blog, I can manage a "fuck you" but when it comes to speaking with a person I've known for half of my life, when it comes to speaking my truth, I become speechless?


What if I never become able to handle my life again?

It hasn't been a good week, and that is coming from someone who doesn't have high expectations.


Sorry I haven't been commenting as much as normal; I'm reading all of your posts but just am feeling quiet. I love all of the cards I received! Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

On and on...

After loading the groceries into the trunk and running the cart over to the corral I sat down into the seat of the little car with a sigh and thought "He's dead". Then I realized I am always thinking that. How many times does that run through my head in a day? 100? 200?

He's dead.
He died.
Toren died.
My baby is dead.
He is dead.
He is dead.
Dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, on and on, all day long.

Truly, brain chants related to dying are probably not helping me.

I wonder if I can change it to "love".

I miss him because I love him.
His absence hurts because I love him.
I remember looking at him on the ultrasound screen and I loved that.
I remember telling my parents about him and them loving him instantly.
I loved him during every moment we were together.
I love him still.
I love him.
I love him.
I love him.
love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, and on and on...

What I have and what I ache for

I'm listening to this song over and over. This is not the original video but the solitary aspects of killing time outside in this video better fit how I interpret the song.

The lyrics are vague enough to tell many stories, to me they speak of loss, loneliness, and trying to decide where to go next.

Lyrics to What Else Is There?

It was me on that road
But you couldn't see me
Too many lights out, but nowhere near here

It was me on that road
Still you couldn't see me
And then flashlights and explosions

Roads end getting nearer
We cover distance but not together

I am the storm I am the wonder
And the flashlights nightmares
And sudden explosions

I don't know what more to ask for
I was given just one wish

It's about you and the sun
A morning run
The story of my maker
What I have and what I ache for

I've got a golden ear
I cut and I spear
And what else is there

Roads and getting nearer
We cover distance still not together

If I am the storm if I am the wonder
Will I have a flashlights nightmares
And sudden explosions

There's no room where I can go and
You've got secrets too

I don't know what more to ask for
I was given just one wish

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Goodbye glass jaw

Mother's Day is coming to a close. How did you all fare? Many thanks to you all for the comments on my last post. You're support has been more than I could even hope for!


I had a good day - at least a good day for a deadbaby mama, who's been kicked to the curb by her husband. Being family-less on Mother's Day was no worse than every other day.

First I slept in, then started a new Anita Blake book, then breakfast, gym, purchased own Mother's Day gift (below!), then dressed for dinner, stopped by the cemetery, treated myself to dinner (wine, papaya salad, red curry), came home and called my mom. Next will be ice cream and bed.


So, if mothers with living children could use pampering on Mother's Day to provide a break from the constant care the give, what could I use? NOT caring for my son makes me really pissed off. I'm not really mad at anyone or anything in particular, I'm just mad that my baby died. I need help processing the anger that comes along with this kind of motherhood.

So guess what lessons I'm getting!

First full training session is next Sunday. Today a gentleman named Tank taught me a move where you punch (or kick) your opponent, then get their arm in a hold, lift up which forces their head down, then you knee them in the face!

Monday, May 4, 2009

Am I a Mother?

In Japan there is a term for lost babies - mizuko - is there a name for mothers of mizuko's? Is there a word to encompass the "almost", "loved fiercely", "eternally heartbroken" nature of being a women whose baby died?

What am I?


Mother's Day greeting cards fall into certain categories. There are the sweet ones from a child to a Mother thanking them for all of the love and hard work they have given. Similarly, there are the funny ones talking about the pampering that Mom deserves on Mother's Day because of the energy she expends to care for everyone every other day of the year. There are the husband to wife cards. There are the cards to someone whose actions have been very "mother like".

These do not describe my situation. I could certainly use some pampering, but not because I'm exhausted from taking care of a family.

In terms of daily physical nurturing and care given I am not a Mother. The object of my care has died. There is no need to breastfeed, launder tiny clothes, or stay up late rocking him. Think of all of the time saved by not needing baby sign language classes! And leaving the house is so simple, instead of a husband and wife packing the little boy, stroller, diaper bag into a sensible family car all I need to do is hop into the tiny two seater and go! Getting properly dressed is not even an issue since there's no one with me that I could embarrass by running errands in sneakers and an over-sized sweatshirt.

I'm not exhausted from a crying baby keeping me up at night, instead sleep is disturbed because things are too quiet. I'm exhausted from getting through each day with so little to do.

I could use a break from the difficult days of missing my child.

But, in terms of having experienced maternal love, I am a MOTHER. Maternal love is such a unique feeling. It is powerful and beautiful and unforgettable. In body and soul I am forever changed by my son. My heart has overflowed with love!


New, unique emotions felt or practical aspects of physically parenting a child? Which weighs more heavily? Which counts for Mother's Day? I can't explain the sudden concern over this but I want some clarification on where I fit in a world of mothers and children.

My answer to this comes in a round about way ... I know what Toren is ... Toren is my son. MINE! He is a precious soul and he spent his short life with ME. And when things turned impossibly bad I made a decision about how he would spend the rest of his life, trading in his cramped quarters for the inevitable.

If he's my son, I must be his Mother.


Still embracing the crazy side, I'll be sending Mother's Day cards from my home to my PO Box. I have cards for a couple of you too. Would any one else like a card? Send me an e-mail with your mailing address.

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Is this really happening?

Seriously it can't be possible that my baby has died and my husband has left. I must be in a nightmare, I couldn't possibly be alone in this house that is large enough for a family. Three bedrooms for one female and two cats ... this space was almost filled with a set of parents, a baby boy, and the cats ... that almost happened ... any second now I'll wake up and still be loved and still be expecting my son... right?