Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Monday, January 31, 2011

48 days from now

Most of my energy is spent with work lately and it's so draining that when I'm not there I collapse.  Crossing my fingers and wishing on stars for a happy solution.

Anyhoo, here are some random thoughts

Last night I dreamt that I delivered a living, full-term but teeny tiny boy - Toren, or at least Toren's size - and my mother was babysitting.  When I arrived she had a house full of guests for a pool party and I couldn't find my baby and I couldn't find my mother to ask where she had put him down for a nap.  There was no panic involved, I just asked people if they knew where my son was.  It's like he's always safe and nearby but I can't get to him.

The weather yesterday was LOVELY and SnuggleBunny and I spent hours outside working on the yard.  This year I'll be maintaining and adding to the butterfly garden, then there will be the two vegetable gardens, and I'm starting the pixie garden!  The pixie garden will be filled with strange plants, tons of flowers, and cute, shiny decor.  SnuggleBunny totally gets my vision for it and was even pinched by a "pixie" while clearing out dead branches (there was nothing there when he turned around).  It's an unusual space.  I'll take some photos of the transformation.

On Saturday I had a PTSD response to a friend telling me she and her sweet boyfriend were planning to have a baby.  I'm happy for her, truly happy and I think it is a great idea for them.  But the news still led to isolation, hours of weeping, and an early bedtime for me.  At least I can recognize that I'm reacting to old trauma when my mood shifts so dramatically but that still doesn't stop it from happening yet.  I wonder if this response is limited to hearing about other people's babies or if freaky moods will happen if I'm ever pregnant again myself.  Will finally getting a child of my own ease that response?

Yesterday was day one of the second to last Nu.va Ring.  There are 48 days until the last one is removed and that is when I want to stop taking birth control.  Plenty could change during that time so it's not a firm plan, in fact SnuggleBunny doesn't even know the plan, so I guess that conversation should happen soon.  But for 48 days I intend to focus on happy things, being healthy, and being responsible, because maybe it will be time for a rainbow.

That's all.  So sorry for the totally random post and the lack of commenting (still!).  I miss you all and hope that more time to contemplate, read, and write will arrive soon.

Thursday, January 13, 2011


Being quiet here is kind of just the tip of the iceberg; I've been quiet everywhere, virtually and IRL.  I've been reading a little and commenting hardly at all and I miss you all so much.

Rather than the injection of joy I was expecting, depression has been crushing me since SnuggleBunny moved in last month.  I can't tell what the problem is.  Perhaps these would have been depressing holidays regardless of having my boyfriend move in, but very quietly I'm wondering if I'm going to ruin this relationship.  He is very patient though and this is a huge change so I'm still hopeful that our living together will work out well.

It's time to consciously stop isolating so much though, so here's an update on things I wouldn't tell anyone else:

1.  The stock of nu.va rings in my fridge is down to 2 and if I actually want to get pregnant this year perhaps it's a good idea to not get any refills on that prescription.  Two.  That creates some pressure since it would be best to not be so depressed, or at least know what is behind the depression because if longing for a child is making me this sad, then trying for pregnancy could be a good thing.  Having this un-firm time limit is overwhelming at moments but also exciting.  Very exciting at times.

2.  This morning I ordered the following books
Trying Again - because I may be preparing to try again (but I could still chicken out!)
Momma Zen - in case trying again turns successful
Hand Wash Cold - because it may have things to think about even if trying again is not successful
and a 5 year diary of my very own, inspired by Her Five Year Diary, which is completely delightful even though the entries are pretty mundane so far.  I can't wait to start recording the boring highlights of my days!

3.  I started a photo blog but haven't made a post yet.  There are several motivating factors behind this, first I am so fucking depressed that I hoped having a goal of taking photos would be a fun and positive thing to do.  Even taking photos that put an image to depression would at least be interacting with the world.  Also, I wanted to have a blog to share with real life family and friends so I could honestly express thoughts and feelings to them, but I may not be comfortable with this.  Why is it so hard to open up to family sometimes?  Recently my dad told me about one of the ladies in his neighborhood who has been very depressed lately and how he makes sure that she is doing ok and that she knows that people care about her.  He said this reminded him of me since I had gone through depression recently.  Since he thought I had beat depression, I didn't know how to tell him that I had hardly answered the phone or emails for weeks because I was too busy isolating.  Is it fair to my family to keep them in the dark about how I'm doing?  Is it fair to me to cut off that potential source of support?

Eh, I'm out of words again.  How about some photos from winter?

This is Toren's ornament collection.  See the lovely blue one with Toren's name painted on it?  It's from Jenn :)  Many, many thanks to Jenn for thinking of Toren!

Memorial bricks placed in garden

Gluten free, cranberry apple pie on Christmas day - yum!