Most of my energy is spent with work lately and it's so draining that when I'm not there I collapse. Crossing my fingers and wishing on stars for a happy solution.
Anyhoo, here are some random thoughts
Last night I dreamt that I delivered a living, full-term but teeny tiny boy - Toren, or at least Toren's size - and my mother was babysitting. When I arrived she had a house full of guests for a pool party and I couldn't find my baby and I couldn't find my mother to ask where she had put him down for a nap. There was no panic involved, I just asked people if they knew where my son was. It's like he's always safe and nearby but I can't get to him.
The weather yesterday was LOVELY and SnuggleBunny and I spent hours outside working on the yard. This year I'll be maintaining and adding to the butterfly garden, then there will be the two vegetable gardens, and I'm starting the pixie garden! The pixie garden will be filled with strange plants, tons of flowers, and cute, shiny decor. SnuggleBunny totally gets my vision for it and was even pinched by a "pixie" while clearing out dead branches (there was nothing there when he turned around). It's an unusual space. I'll take some photos of the transformation.
On Saturday I had a PTSD response to a friend telling me she and her sweet boyfriend were planning to have a baby. I'm happy for her, truly happy and I think it is a great idea for them. But the news still led to isolation, hours of weeping, and an early bedtime for me. At least I can recognize that I'm reacting to old trauma when my mood shifts so dramatically but that still doesn't stop it from happening yet. I wonder if this response is limited to hearing about other people's babies or if freaky moods will happen if I'm ever pregnant again myself. Will finally getting a child of my own ease that response?
Yesterday was day one of the second to last Nu.va Ring. There are 48 days until the last one is removed and that is when I want to stop taking birth control. Plenty could change during that time so it's not a firm plan, in fact SnuggleBunny doesn't even know the plan, so I guess that conversation should happen soon. But for 48 days I intend to focus on happy things, being healthy, and being responsible, because maybe it will be time for a rainbow.
That's all. So sorry for the totally random post and the lack of commenting (still!). I miss you all and hope that more time to contemplate, read, and write will arrive soon.