Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Monday, January 31, 2011

48 days from now

Most of my energy is spent with work lately and it's so draining that when I'm not there I collapse.  Crossing my fingers and wishing on stars for a happy solution.

Anyhoo, here are some random thoughts

Last night I dreamt that I delivered a living, full-term but teeny tiny boy - Toren, or at least Toren's size - and my mother was babysitting.  When I arrived she had a house full of guests for a pool party and I couldn't find my baby and I couldn't find my mother to ask where she had put him down for a nap.  There was no panic involved, I just asked people if they knew where my son was.  It's like he's always safe and nearby but I can't get to him.

The weather yesterday was LOVELY and SnuggleBunny and I spent hours outside working on the yard.  This year I'll be maintaining and adding to the butterfly garden, then there will be the two vegetable gardens, and I'm starting the pixie garden!  The pixie garden will be filled with strange plants, tons of flowers, and cute, shiny decor.  SnuggleBunny totally gets my vision for it and was even pinched by a "pixie" while clearing out dead branches (there was nothing there when he turned around).  It's an unusual space.  I'll take some photos of the transformation.

On Saturday I had a PTSD response to a friend telling me she and her sweet boyfriend were planning to have a baby.  I'm happy for her, truly happy and I think it is a great idea for them.  But the news still led to isolation, hours of weeping, and an early bedtime for me.  At least I can recognize that I'm reacting to old trauma when my mood shifts so dramatically but that still doesn't stop it from happening yet.  I wonder if this response is limited to hearing about other people's babies or if freaky moods will happen if I'm ever pregnant again myself.  Will finally getting a child of my own ease that response?

Yesterday was day one of the second to last Nu.va Ring.  There are 48 days until the last one is removed and that is when I want to stop taking birth control.  Plenty could change during that time so it's not a firm plan, in fact SnuggleBunny doesn't even know the plan, so I guess that conversation should happen soon.  But for 48 days I intend to focus on happy things, being healthy, and being responsible, because maybe it will be time for a rainbow.

That's all.  So sorry for the totally random post and the lack of commenting (still!).  I miss you all and hope that more time to contemplate, read, and write will arrive soon.


Kristin said...

Your gardens sound absolutely wonderful. Wanna come help me recreate my front flower beds?

Hoping you find your rainbow soon.

cgd said...

thinking of you anne marie.
I love the picture of the garden, that engraved stone is perfect...

~ Alli said...

Glad to hear you spent some time on your garden. Looking forward to some pics. I know what you mean about the crying fits - I have them all the time. To me, there's not a whole lot worse than when a friend tells you she's pregnant. I head straight for the ice cream.

mommyodyssey said...

You know, on the friend thing I lucked out because my first friend to get pregnant after my miscarriages had also had one herself - so I was happy for her, because I knew what she went through.
Sorry if I'm playing amateur psychologist here - but perhaps you can look at your reaction in a different light? I think it's not about your friend being pregnant, it may be because she still has the innocence of a first pregnancy - which is something women like us have lost. Perhaps if you mourn that loss as well, you may have an easier time when you try again.

Ya Chun said...

I luv the pixie garden! I've seen little doors and houses that you can put install for the fairies to live in. :)

I can say that, having a baby post loss is a crazy crazy time. I couldn't sleep for several days after coming home with Bea and had to go to the hospital. I don't think that I put the work into my mental health that you have been though.

But, in the long-term, I am doing better. My moods are even, I can be happy for other people's baby news, etc. Some of it is time, but I know that having Bea has made the biggest difference.

As with all things on this roller coaster, you just never know.

And right now, I am excited for you!

Sophie said...

I am intrigued by the pixie garden. Sounds like you could have a lot of fun with that.

I think being pregnant again is going cause even more ups and downs. I don't think pregnancy after loss can be any other way. It forces you to relive and to refeel all those old pains... and also the moments of hope. Do you really need to wait? There will never be a perfect moment to start, I think you should just jump right in and see where it takes you.

But then, I am an impatient bitch... I hope these days pass quickly so that you can begin this rainbow journey. I will be here to support you no matter what... but that vision of you with your rainbow, oh it takes my breath away... xx

still life angie said...

Forty eight days. Wow. That is so exciting and scary, but mostly exciting. I can see why you are taking your time and setting a date. My experience with pregnancy after loss is like the others--it brought up a lot of fear and loss and those feelings of hope and hopelessness, sometimes in the same fifteen second period. Sending you love. We are here for you, for whatever comes up.

Kakunaa said...

I can't wait to see pictures of your gardens :) I'm quite excited about it, actually! And also excited to hear the outcome of the discussion with SnuggleBunny. Good luck, hon.

Jenn said...

Your gardens sound lovely. I hope you'll share some pictures with us. Also, I totally and completely understand your reaction to your friend's news, that kind of thing always sends me reeling. Good luck with all the changes coming soon! Thinking of you. xx

bean dreams said...

Your gardens sound beautiful! I find myself itching for spring to come to start gardening again, but with all this snow, it will no doubt be awhile! I know about the isolation and hours of weeping when you hear about pregnant friends. I feel that is one of the biggest struggles. I'd rather be part of their pregnancy than not, but it is very difficult. Hope your rainbow comes soon!

Quiet Dreams said...

I look forward to seeing pictures of your garden.

I'm so glad that you can recognize where your reactions are coming from. You can heal from trauma.

~ Alli said...

I have been following your blog for a few weeks now and I am really enjoying reading everything. So, I've nominated it for two awards on my blog, Are You Sure You're Doing It Right at http://areyoudoingitright.blogspot.com/

I am really looking forward to reading more and following your progress. All the best to you!