Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Monday, March 30, 2009

Really, even during snack time?

What does this misshapen grape make you think of? I think of how Toren looked like that in the beginning of his life but now he is dead and I've been kicked to the curb so another little bean is not on the horizon. If I were trying to conceive a subsequent baby this would be interpreted as very auspicious, maybe the grape was meant for one of you!

Sara said the magic words "victory garden" and I have been happily and frantically digging and designing a plot for a vegetable garden. All of the soil has been weeded and fluffed, a cute path has been laid, and the first plants and seeds have been planted. I'll take some photos soon.

Today I suddenly thought "all I can do is live my life starting from where I am". A deadbaby followed by a failed marriage feels WRONG. I feel sick to my stomach and dizzy; it just doesn't seem possible that these things happened. Because I can't rationalize it, it's hard to accept it. But instead of needing to understand and accept these horrible events, and hoping that SOMEHOW the Universe will recognize the mistake that has been made and correct the problem, what if I just start my subsequent life from where I am. What if I stop wishing for the past to have been different.

Dispite all of the complaining that goes on here, I really am so glad that I feel better than I used to. Everyday I feel lonely and sad, it's like being heartbroken has become permanent. I cry several times a week. I'm in a lot of therapy. I wish the scales would tip and I would feel mostly good instead of mostly sad. I want to reach the point where I am a happy person with sad moments rather than a sad person with better moments. But for so long all I felt was constant anguish and that part is over!

The point is, I'm so thankful to just feel like shit now instead of feeling consumed by sharp sorrow and constant confusion of the early days.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

On your mark...get set...GO CRAZY!!!

This is purely a rant, hopefully organized thoughts and a plan for that subsequent life will follow soon.

Work is very demanding on a normal day but this week is incredibly stressful. Today and tomorrow accepted applicants are visiting and I need to help convince them that this is the school they want to attend. That means there is no room for feeling sad about my life.

Before I left for work this morning my husband says he has several offers for a place to stay and wants to know when I'll be able to rent out a room because he doesn't want to leave me high and dry. HA! I'm afraid that is unavoidable! So then I cry, privately, for a bit because instead of deciding that he loves me he is actually going to leave.

Once at work I am determined to focus on the task at hand then hear the news that a co-worker had her baby early (baby is fine).

So let's see how the day is shaping up - my life is falling apart more, other people lives are changing in wonderful ways. And the day is not half over.

After I take care of other peoples needs for the next two days (mind you, this is all because I am covering for a coworker on maternity leave), then it's Toren's "Would Have Been One" day and according to the forecast rain may alter my plans to eat a cupcake in the cemetery and release some balloons. But now, instead of having plenty of quiet time this weekend (when I'm not doing left over work), I'll be preparing for a renter.

I was able to get an appointment with my therapist for this afternoon so I will be able to get some of these feeling out and work on some ideas for moving forward from here. This whole situation just sucks!


On another note, I have a problem with the idea of "being strong". I interpret that as tending to the needs of others, your job, and your responsibilities while keeping a placid appearance. I guess it would be impossible to do all of those things while expressing a breakdown though. Why isn't it called "living a lie", or "locking away your emotions", or "pretending to be someone else"? I hate it when people say how strong I am when all I'm doing is displaying a terrific facade. Not to discount the effort that putting on such a show takes, and I am proud that I can look like all is well when I need to, it just doesn't sound like the compliment it is supposed to be.

My interpretation is probably off (same as with "forgiveness"), what does "being strong" mean to you?

Friday, March 20, 2009

Hello Spring!

Toren, since you have been gone I have greeted Winter, Spring, Summer, Autumn, then another Winter, and now another Spring. How does the world keep turning without you in it?


Your comments to my last post were so cute and funny, thank you!!! Sara, I agree that he really showed a lack of class by speaking of offspring due so close to your due date (grrrr). And Debbie, of course women who are so blessed to have pregnancies that couldn't possible be touched by sorrow can do whatever the fuck they want, including not remaining properly clothed at work. Now, deadbaby mama's are expected to be appropriately clothed for their positions, professional, intelligent, kind, timely, and they are never ever to speak of or express sadness over their missing child. Deadbabies never really happened, if you never had time to bond with them after birth they didn't really exist - this is in the handbook that everyone besides deadbaby mama's receives.

Of course, you all are exempt from my bitterness when you conceive your subsequent pregnancies and birth healthy, living, beautiful babies. If your blogs get too gushy with joy I will only read when I can handle that. If I get too verbally grumpy, you can tell me to fuck off and I'll reevaluate my behavior. If a non deadbaby mama tells me to fuck of and listen happily to her stories of maternal joy, it will be on! And by "on", I mean I'll be crying and feeling sorry for myself for an undetermined amount of time.


When speaking of subsequent children, the leader of a support group I attend also says subsequent lives.

"subsequent children or subsequent lives"

I really like this, even though a subsequent life doesn't sound as nice as a subsequent child. Although they couldn't possible cure the pain of losing a baby, it seems that a lot of healing is expected to come from a subsequent child, and certainly they do bring mountains of joy. But how do you heal without the possibility of a subsequent child?

Last Fall, I imagined I would be trying again by Spring. Certainly by Spring the economy would have improved and my husband would have found a job, leading to him feeling happier, and we would have become closer, and then we would pick up where we left off in our plan to expand our family. Here's what really happened: economy got worse, and husband left emotionally (physically he still lives here), which means planning for a subsequent child is not being realistic.

It's time to plan for my subsequent life. A subsequent child is fairly straight forward (and is part of a subsequent life) whereas a subsequent life could include anything. I have no idea what to do! Is there anything as meaningful, life altering, and joyful as having a child?

Are you planning for a subsequent child or a subsequent life? Can a sub life without a sub child be fulfilling?

Tuesday, March 17, 2009


There I was content, helpful, and generally kicking ass at work when I get the e-mail stating that one of our part time students won't be able to take one of our difficult REQUIRED courses this Fall because his wife is having a baby on October 9 and he will be too busy with work and the baby to take the course. Whatever whiner, delaying graduation for another year is cool with me.

This explanation is fine for most people but it is not work appropriate for me! I'm just trying to get through each day and be successful at work and I really wish there were not reminders of what a huge failure I am at having babies and keeping husbands. On this floor of the building alone there are 4 growing bellies - a new one was added just this week (so early on that it could be just fluff, if it weren't for the tender belly rubs going on).

Most of the time now I don't get overly distracted by other peoples pregnancies. I sit on the other side of the room, only look at them from the shoulders up, close my office door when I need a break, but pregnancy news coming through e-mail kind of snuck up on me.


Sunday, March 8, 2009

Depression talk - way more personal than is appropriate

By the way, I didn't have a cigarette. I haven't had one since my birthday on February 10, and that was only because I drank so much tequila that I lost all sense of appropriate behavior and smoked a cigarette, danced on the table, lost my panties, was fondled in ... um, yeah ... and returned the kisses of someone's boyfriend.

I haven't had any tequila since then and probably never will again.

Oh, and I'll never return to that restaurant!

So I have quit my 1-3 cigarettes per day habit! Not through will power though. My psychiatrist added li.th.ium to my antidepressant cocktail and now I have no desire to smoke!

I wish the lith.iu.m had been a miracle drug for me as it had for other patients my psychiatrist told me about. Some feelings have been eased, particularly in the early weeks of taking it; I am able to stop an anxiety attack from becoming full blown, which probably explains part of why I don't want to smoke.

The le.xap.ro gives confidence. The traz.o.done mercifully knocks me the fuck out at night.

I see either my therapist or psychiatrist at least once a week, although this is cutting back from what they (and I) think is necessary, but I'm on a tight budget now.

What is missing? Seriously, what is missing? I've been sui.c.idal since November (panic not, for my doctors know this and I don't want to break my mom's heart by killing myself) and it is a really painful way to live. Waking up everyday feels so wrong.

Before moving on to the next set of medications to try (those would be antipsychotics, guess how awesome that makes me feel, but my psychiatrist has seen these be effective for depression because your view of the world can be shifted from being so gloomy), I've been referred to an additional therapist. This Wednesday I'm trying out Brainspotting.

After trying therapy (outpatient and inpatient), medications, affirmations (although half-assed), avoiding alcohol (most of the time now), getting adequate rest, spending time with friends, I'm still incredibly depressed and, by now, resistant to believing that anything will help. But as Wednesday inches closer I'm getting more excited and HOPEFUL.

It's embarrassing feeling this low for this long. I worry that some of my friends are getting frustrated by my avoidance of clubs and large parties. They want to see my happy because they love me, but I just can't do it right. Besides my mom, my family has no idea what the last several months have been like for me. I don't want to deal with pressure to feel better from them.

Even here I feel like a straggler in my cohort of deadbaby mama's. I see others taking the difficult, scary, and well earned steps forward, and I am going backwards. The life I wanted and worked towards moves further away every day.

Cross your fingers for Wednesday, and thanks for listening.