Monday, March 30, 2009
Really, even during snack time?
What does this misshapen grape make you think of? I think of how Toren looked like that in the beginning of his life but now he is dead and I've been kicked to the curb so another little bean is not on the horizon. If I were trying to conceive a subsequent baby this would be interpreted as very auspicious, maybe the grape was meant for one of you!
Sara said the magic words "victory garden" and I have been happily and frantically digging and designing a plot for a vegetable garden. All of the soil has been weeded and fluffed, a cute path has been laid, and the first plants and seeds have been planted. I'll take some photos soon.
Today I suddenly thought "all I can do is live my life starting from where I am". A deadbaby followed by a failed marriage feels WRONG. I feel sick to my stomach and dizzy; it just doesn't seem possible that these things happened. Because I can't rationalize it, it's hard to accept it. But instead of needing to understand and accept these horrible events, and hoping that SOMEHOW the Universe will recognize the mistake that has been made and correct the problem, what if I just start my subsequent life from where I am. What if I stop wishing for the past to have been different.
Dispite all of the complaining that goes on here, I really am so glad that I feel better than I used to. Everyday I feel lonely and sad, it's like being heartbroken has become permanent. I cry several times a week. I'm in a lot of therapy. I wish the scales would tip and I would feel mostly good instead of mostly sad. I want to reach the point where I am a happy person with sad moments rather than a sad person with better moments. But for so long all I felt was constant anguish and that part is over!
The point is, I'm so thankful to just feel like shit now instead of feeling consumed by sharp sorrow and constant confusion of the early days.