Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Monday, March 30, 2009

Really, even during snack time?

What does this misshapen grape make you think of? I think of how Toren looked like that in the beginning of his life but now he is dead and I've been kicked to the curb so another little bean is not on the horizon. If I were trying to conceive a subsequent baby this would be interpreted as very auspicious, maybe the grape was meant for one of you!

Sara said the magic words "victory garden" and I have been happily and frantically digging and designing a plot for a vegetable garden. All of the soil has been weeded and fluffed, a cute path has been laid, and the first plants and seeds have been planted. I'll take some photos soon.

Today I suddenly thought "all I can do is live my life starting from where I am". A deadbaby followed by a failed marriage feels WRONG. I feel sick to my stomach and dizzy; it just doesn't seem possible that these things happened. Because I can't rationalize it, it's hard to accept it. But instead of needing to understand and accept these horrible events, and hoping that SOMEHOW the Universe will recognize the mistake that has been made and correct the problem, what if I just start my subsequent life from where I am. What if I stop wishing for the past to have been different.

Dispite all of the complaining that goes on here, I really am so glad that I feel better than I used to. Everyday I feel lonely and sad, it's like being heartbroken has become permanent. I cry several times a week. I'm in a lot of therapy. I wish the scales would tip and I would feel mostly good instead of mostly sad. I want to reach the point where I am a happy person with sad moments rather than a sad person with better moments. But for so long all I felt was constant anguish and that part is over!

The point is, I'm so thankful to just feel like shit now instead of feeling consumed by sharp sorrow and constant confusion of the early days.


Zil said...

"What if I stop wishing for the past to have been different"

I wish we could all stop wishing. And I wish we all could have a say in the future too - because we deserve it.

I wish you peace and healing as you sow the seeds to your veggie garden. They will change and grow as spring turns to summer and summer to fall - and you will too. That's one thing we can count on - we'll continue to evolve as hours give way to days, months and years. Though one thing will remain constant - your love for your son.

Sophie said...

One step at a time, Anna. I'm sorry you feel like shit but I'm glad that you've found a step up.

Your garden sounds nice. Jordan's garden kind of went a bit wild and I've had to pull lots of it out. :(

Thinking of you and Toren.

debbie said...

I remember feeling that same way about a year ago. I had this distinct feeling that my ship had accidentally gone off course and it needed to be corrected--like all my misfortune was an accident. But like you, I suddenly realized that trying to correct the past was not going to help and I needed to start embracing my new direction. I know things are still so hard right now, but whether you think so or not, you are emanating the sounds of progress Anna! Thinking of you often.

Meg said...

I think everyone's already said what I wanted to say, better than I could! :) I hope for you, Anna!!!

Sara said...

I'm so glad I was able to give you some inspiration! I planted my garden this weekend and I am SO excited. Really hoping the doggies don't destroy it!

CLC said...

If you figure out how to forget the past, and start living from now, please let us know. I spend way too much time wishing for things to be "different".

I hope your garden is a success. I will be waiting for the pix!