Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Tuesday, April 20, 2010


Around here lately blog posts don't make it past the random thoughts noted on scraps of paper. I'm still following along with my favorite blogging friends but commenting is rare. Rather than feeling like a slacker it's time to just flow with it.

So what next?

This landscape still cannot accommodate a baby. And that is both ok and gut wrenching.

It's not clear where this story fits in with the majority of related blogs. There is no "rainbow baby". No TTC. No problems with TTC discovered. No worries over subsequent pregnancies.
And on that topic I'd like to digress and say a huge "fuck off" to all of those people who said I could have another baby. Beyond insensitive and thoughtless it was such a rude thing to say while Toren - deeply cherished, "incompatible with life" Toren - was still LIVING inside me. Such a simplistic thing to say given the genetic testing to be done, the grief, and the huge strain that one tiny deadbaby can put on a marriage.

"You can have another one". Like life doesn't become complicated. Like hearts mend so quickly. We all know how annoying that "comforting" statement is and I thought I was over it but what is really rage inducing lately is that statement was a lie. I wanted Toren, but before him I wanted a baby, and that generic desire is still there. Part of me needed to believe that having another baby would heal some of the hurt. Insensitive sure, but I also needed to believe that those uttering "you can have another one" were speaking the truth. It's been almost 2 and a half years since Toren died and there is not another one here or even on the horizon.

Where is my other one?

There's no ending of this blog or creation of a new one due to momentous, perspective changing events in this story. Toren is still dead. My husband is still gone (but while this was devastating for quite a while it's turned into an hugely positive situation). It has all been so difficult. In the beginning of this blog I honestly did not think I could ever not be consumed by sorrow but this is not the case anymore.

This has to change from my anonymous grief blog into ... what?


I do want my blog to transform rather than end because even though so much of the story is over MY story is has not ended yet - if that makes any sense. Toren's story is over - he lived for a short while then he died. The story of my marriage ended after 11 years (even though those divorce papers are still not signed, the marriage is over).

Before Toren I was hollow, so afraid of offending, so devoid of personal expression that I was practically not alive. Accompanying Toren were emotions that were too intense not to feel and the husband exodus left behind the space needed to fully absorb and process the grief, anger, sorrow, rage, and most importantly, love. So no longer hollow, no longer drowning in grief ...

I may step away from the internet for a bit and participate more in life to find things to write about. You are all always in my heart and I'll catch up with you all later.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010


X, I hate you. I wish you were not in my life AT ALL you greedy, fucking jerk.

I am not beaten down and I will not give into his wishes. Just needing a little support. I need to reassurance that I can stand up for myself.