I make myself read Face.Book and post the occasional funny animal photo. I'm just not a fan of that form of communication, but with so many people using it it's kind of antisocial NOT to be active on FB. So today began with a pregnancy announcement, complete with photos of the first ultrasound and the positive pee stick, and a list of things prego chick has wanted to say to people over the last 2 months but couldn't because it was still a secret. I had heard the news a few days earlier but it's different/much worse to see all the excitement written out, complete with visual aids.
Today I'm bitter. And angry. And so sick of being stuck in deadbaby-land, with all of it's loneliness and heartache. And I'm not leaving anytime soon.
The pregnancy announcement prompted the conversation with SnuggleBunny about a baby of our own and he's very open to that but doesn't want to start TTC until June. June isn't far away ... not really. But right now it feels equivalent to never. I told him I would do my best to be patient but that I'm feeling desperate lately, only to hear that desperation is not a reason to rush towards parenthood. Desperation seems like a pretty good reason to me!
I am desperate to not have all of my pregnancies end with deadbabies. I am desperate to stop feeling so hopelessly out of place around people with children. It's coming up on 4 years since my husband and I decided to start a family but that is a past that SnuggleBunny doesn't share with me. Having him impose his own time-line for our baby makes me irrationally angry.
TTC in June means that if we are successful right away that pregnancy will occur at a similar time as Toren's. Could I handle a potential pregnancy loss happening around Toren's terror-versaries?