Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Moving on, but in what direction?

Sometimes it feels like all we do is have discussions and cry.  We both miss how our relationship was when we didn't live together and Monday he said he would move out and we will try to get back to how things were.  Having him move out was exactly what I was wanting to happen, however it was so painful to hear him say those words.  So it made for a rough afternoon.  We decided he should wait until I found some housemates.

That evening we went to a movie to kill time then came home and had sex after which I immediately started hoping for a pregnancy.

I'm giving myself mixed messages.

This situation is not going to have a final answer anytime soon.  Seriously, I do not have a clue about relationships.

So, the good news is that we have been getting along fantastically again!  His mood perks up with pep talks so maybe I just need to give him frequent nudges to be happy and responsible.


It is such a relief having Christmas now in the past.  It was a lovely day!  At the same time it was so far from how I want things to be.

Rather than clinging to the idea that Christmas has to be a certain way with lots of tradition I'm going to make sure to include doing something new every year.  There will probably always be special breakfast and dinner with family or close friends (mostly because there's eating involved and I'm a huge fan of that), the tree will probably always be put up too, but maybe I'll use different decorations someday.  I guess the point is that I want to approach each year with less rigidity so when changes come along I can see that as a chance to try something new rather than worrying about how to recreate the changed factor somewhere else.

There's still this idea that Toren should be here to open presents.  And my husband should be here to make his special coffee for breakfast and to spoil us.  We should have a second child by now.  The bottom couple of feet of the tree should be free from my glass ornaments, in fact the whole tree should be decorated with adorable ornaments that Toren and his sibling(s) would hold and play with and declare specific ones as their favorites.

All of that is not going to happen.  And as my maternal age advances further it's time to start making a backup plan to still be able to enjoy holidays, or any day, child-free.

I can't think about it anymore right now.


Anyway, here is how I like my tree decorated - a glorious, monochromatic heap of silver, white, and black glass.  And there's the velvet tree skirt that I made last month :)

Snugglebunny is allowed to help decorate it but he understands that I will move things around as "necessary".  It all must be visually balanced.  It must be perfect!  And if someday all of the sharp objects and choking hazards are removed to accommodate the curious ways of toddlers, if colorful, durable ornaments are placed on the tree only as high as young children can reach, leaving the top half bare, that will be perfect too.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

You definitely know those moments when everything changes.

How about those thoughts that are so innocuous by themselves but all of a sudden you know that they can't be un-thought and things have changed now?  I keep saying how I want to leave behind this house of memories and that I'm jealous that my husband got out of here.  But it wasn't until about an hour ago that I thought about moving to a specific location.  You can want to leave all you like but if you don't have anywhere to go it's harder to make that happen.  My mom is talking about moving to Utah soon.  I rather like Salt Lake City.  I could move.

And it would be just me (and the cats), I would not invite my boyfriend.  It feels absolutely horrible to convert that thought into a form of communication.  I wouldn't be able to say it out loud. 

Things have really not turned out as expected.  Living together was supposed to be beautiful but instead there's too much of me supporting him financially, him being possessive, and way too many promises for the future that never seem to make it out of idea form.  I am pretty miserable after one year of it and I don't know how to get out of living with him.  He knows exactly what to say to get me to give it all another chance.  I do love him and care deeply for him but more and more feel like this relationship is not going in the intended direction. 

At what point is it sensible to say that the things you are doing are simply not working?  Maybe it's time to stop trying to bend things to be how I want them.  Maybe it's time to let the backyard remain swing set free.  Maybe it's time to stop willing this to be a family home.  Maybe it's time to move back in with my mother.

Monday, December 12, 2011

Well.  The holiday's are here.  I kind of changed my mind about taking a lot of drugs this winter. 

In the past 5-6 weeks I have:
- read 4 books
- painted two rooms in my house
- made the tree skirt that I bought all the fabric for four years ago
- hosted Thanksgiving dinner
- made 20 tree ornaments (hand sculpted from polymer clay and painted)

All in addition to the normal stuff so that's quite a bit of activity for me!  What changed?  I ran out of antidepressants and since I still don't have health insurance going to see my doctor for a prescription refill is out of my budget.

I have a history of depression and anxiety and it was over 4 years ago, on the day of Toren's birth defect diagnosis, when my ob/gyn questioned me about it and gave me handfuls of Lex.apro sample packets before leaving her office.  I think I took the first pill in the parking lot.  Eight days and one delivery of a stillborn later Xan.ax was added to the mix.  Over the past 4 years I have also taken lithium, trazodone, cym.balta, wel.butrin, clonazepam, and there may have been one more that I can't remember right now, in varying combinations and doses. 

It is incredible to FEEL again!  And it is wonderful to have some energy.  When I feel happy now it's an un-muted sense of joy that feels so genuine that sometimes I think I could burst!  But the low moods are also untempered. 

It's seems like there isn't a good solution to depression.  Medication numbs all emotions.  It feels like I haven't really been alive for the past 4 years, which is kind of good considering some of the things that happened, and now I would like be unmedicated but I don't know how long I can handle the dark moods.


I sat down to write tonight after being overwhelmed by a wave of envy of women who have spouses or reliable boyfriends.  While married I didn't realize just how great it was to have someone to share the burdens of the stuff life tosses at you.  Being divorced and self-sufficient is good too but there are some things I struggle to handle and I wish I had some help.


I've been out and about more which means running into my ex and he has said some messed up things to me, most of which I started to tell you about but those writings are still drafts in blogging limbo.  Just two days ago he emailed asking if he could have any Christmas decorations I wasn't using.  This will be our fourth Christmas apart and it's really confusing and upsetting for him to ask for items of our holiday's together after so much time has passed.  There are more things I'm getting rid of and I said he could have those but I'm suspecting he was looking for something specific that I don't have (a family item that I never had, I think they forgot who actually possessed it) because he stopped replying after a while.  He's moving soon.  Back across the country.  Instead of feeling relief that I wouldn't see him out anymore I feel so much sadness that the rift between us will never be repaired and also I'm so jealous that he gets to leave, again.  I would love to just walk away from this house and the memories that have built up here.


This feels like an unfinished thought but since drafts are way outnumbering published posts I'm just going to publish this now. 

How are the holiday's treating you?