Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

You definitely know those moments when everything changes.

How about those thoughts that are so innocuous by themselves but all of a sudden you know that they can't be un-thought and things have changed now?  I keep saying how I want to leave behind this house of memories and that I'm jealous that my husband got out of here.  But it wasn't until about an hour ago that I thought about moving to a specific location.  You can want to leave all you like but if you don't have anywhere to go it's harder to make that happen.  My mom is talking about moving to Utah soon.  I rather like Salt Lake City.  I could move.

And it would be just me (and the cats), I would not invite my boyfriend.  It feels absolutely horrible to convert that thought into a form of communication.  I wouldn't be able to say it out loud. 

Things have really not turned out as expected.  Living together was supposed to be beautiful but instead there's too much of me supporting him financially, him being possessive, and way too many promises for the future that never seem to make it out of idea form.  I am pretty miserable after one year of it and I don't know how to get out of living with him.  He knows exactly what to say to get me to give it all another chance.  I do love him and care deeply for him but more and more feel like this relationship is not going in the intended direction. 

At what point is it sensible to say that the things you are doing are simply not working?  Maybe it's time to stop trying to bend things to be how I want them.  Maybe it's time to let the backyard remain swing set free.  Maybe it's time to stop willing this to be a family home.  Maybe it's time to move back in with my mother.

4 comments:

Sara said...

Anna, I'm so sorry that this hasn't worked out the way you wanted it to. I think you should go with your gut, and it sounds like you know what your gut is telling you. You both deserve to have lives in which you're happy and fulfilled, and I think you'll feel better when you know you're on your way to that reality. xoxo

Sophie said...

I think you've given it as much time as humanly possible. It's still not working, so yeah, i agree with Sara... Go with your gut. It doesn't mean it's 'over', (unless you want it to be)... but yeah, maybe some space to give you some clarity. If he really cares about you, he will accept this, though he's sure to be sad about it. Do it Anna... it's not like you can't change your mind later... but who knows... after two weeks or a month, your gut's gonna be telling you one way or another. (just don't get it confused with other parts of your anatomy... oops did I say that out loud?)

myskytimes said...

"At what point is it sensible to say that the things you are doing are simply not working?"

Anna, I'm sorry things are not the way you hoped for. But in my experience... whenever I started to ask those questions: I was at that point already. Besides what I ranted about in my latest blogpost I can only say: compromise is fine and dandy... but there is a line when it's always YOU bending backwards, supporting and walking on eggshells. A relationship should be giving AND taking on both sides.

If you ever need someone to list the advantages of single-life: you know where to find me. ;)

Much love to you! xo

E said...

Dear Anna,

Good luck as you consider this next life change. I do not envy you in this decision you have to make! I have moved around quite a bit and it is always exciting but also challenging in ways you may never have anticipated. Change can be good though, and it sounds like you are ready to embrace it. Keep us posted, and if you ever want to email or chat one-on-one, do not hesitate to reach out. xoxo