Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Thursday, September 22, 2011

This week I have been enjoying going to my NEW JOB! 

My job is fantastic and the people that I work with are nice (which is a huge improvement over my last job) and it is a research position so I'm actually using my degrees (my last position was admin).

When I was laid off they took my work ID, which is expected but the photo on my card was important.  The photo was taken during new-hire orientation - I had recently graduated, had just had a great summer with my husband, was excited in general, and I was pregnant.  I think that was the only photo taken when I knew was pregnant and was not yet consumed by worry.  I looked happy.  It was painful to have that photo taken away and a few time I thought about contacting HR to see if I could get a photocopy of the card but I didn't want them to think I was crazy and I didn't want to explain why I wanted it so badly and I didn't want to hear that the card had been destroyed already.

The most unexpected things turn out to be important mementos of our missing children.

My new job is back with the same organization and this week I had to submit a photo for my new ID card.  I took over 40 self portraits trying to duplicate the ease of the old photo but in them all I look too old, too strained, too plump, and just too weary to be that person from the old photo again.  This is the one selected because when tiny (like it would be on a ID) I look cheerful enough. 

I mean, it's fine but the last 4 years aged me more than 4 years should, you know?  And now that the hardest parts are in the past and things are looking rather positive I still can't get back to appearing like nothing happened.  I don't want most people to know about my son and my divorce anymore; I don't want to share that much.  Anyway, I don't know where that thought is going... 

I picked up my ID today and here's the photo it has on it

Apparently they kept the old photo on file and I'm so happy that they did :)  It's a relief to have documentation of that short time of utter joy. 

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Sock it to me

I love Kym's Sockeroo's!  I want to give a huge "THANK YOU" to my sock buddy Alexicographer who leaves wonderful comments.  Look at the adorable socks she picked out for me - wine and sweets!  She totally hit the mark because I firmly believe that a drink and some chocolate are great coping mechanisms (wallowing in drunken sugar delirium is better than strangling someone)!

Kym gave the following thought to consider during this Sockeroo:
It has been roughly a year and a half since the last SITM Exchange. Reflect on the past 18 or so months – how has support from others, either in the blogosphere or otherwise, helped you?

Away from blogs I rarely seek support for the tough things because so many people are very uncomfortable with anything relating to grief or major loss.  Even with blogging I'm getting quieter, however, when I do bother to say something the support is incredible!  Upon publishing a post, most of the time I think I should have censored it more (to sound less insane), but more often then not the comments are supportive and there are so many other people who say they can relate. 

One of the most striking things I got from group therapy was that there were other people who look competent and put together but who were struggling like I was.  Even without really knowing each other listening, giving encouragement and truly wishing the best for others comes naturally in group therapy.  Kind of like the babyloss blogosphere.  I deeply want everyone of the people I have met through blogging to experience healing and see their dreams actualized and I believe there are people out there who wish the same for me.

Blogging has provided a very different type of relating with others.  I am rarely open about my feelings concerning Toren, divorce, or rainbow making attempts with anyone in person.  I think that expressing frustration and fear about not having conceived a baby yet is one of the more innocuous things I have expressed, but even that makes people look away.  They don't want to ask how the threat of infertility makes me feel given that I have already had heartbreaking luck in making babies that live.  But that is fine (truly!) because I can come here and say that I am so afraid that my parenting story ends with Toren that I can hardly breathe and I know that someone reading can face that horrible feeling with me.  Having someone acknowledge your feelings helps so much.

Now, in real life I have been getting other types of support from my friends and family - wonderful things like love, companionship and fun!  Knowing where to go for the kind of support you need is key.

Thank you all for the mountains of wonderful support you given me!

So, what about you?  What are your thoughts about finding support for the things that hurt terribly?

Saturday, September 3, 2011

 Reasons to not be in a relationship with me

1.  Prior experience with marriage has removed all patience I have towards things that make me unhappy.  That being said, it takes a lot to make me unhappy.  But I'm afraid that once that balance is tipped it is hard to get me back to feeling secure.

2.  Neurotic about babies.

3.  Kind of emotionally unstable in general.  However, this one is also a huge benefit much of the time since I'm generally agreeable from being well medicated (relates to point #1).

4.  Not rich.

Why did I think that I'd be much better with a serious relationship because I'd been married?  SB gets excited about "working through problems" and the idea of couples counseling, but to be honest, I have little interest in either right now.

Eh, I'm probably still grumpy from that last menstrual period.


Reasons to DATE me

1.  Generally in good spirits (really!)

2.  Doesn't need much convincing to make-out

3.  Good in bed


Perks to dating or being in a relationship with me

1.  Will pay for everything if the other person wants me to.

2.  Doesn't complain about episodes of bad sex.


SB moved in last December (replacing one of my housemates) with the agreement that he would contribute to the household bills.  In reality it is very difficult to get him to pay anything and he never gives any money towards his rent without being asked for it.  He is three months behind (the only reason why he is not further behind is because his entire tax return went towards his back rent).  I am unemployed and he works and I am paying for his living expenses and I feel like an idiot.

We have a lot of fun together and it sucks that something as dumb as money has made me unhappy.  We have discussed this over and over and I always believe promises given.  It's to the point where I can't have a casual conversation with him because the main thoughts running through my head are about how dumb I feel because I'm in a bit of a financial pickle now.  I can't lay in my own bedroom and fall asleep because I am so angry.

But I also know that once I get upset I can't see things rationally.  Right now I think my best option is to ask him to move out and rent out the two spare rooms again (the second housemate moved out of state for an internship last month).  Can anyone talk me off of the breaking up ledge?