Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Saturday, September 3, 2011

 Reasons to not be in a relationship with me

1.  Prior experience with marriage has removed all patience I have towards things that make me unhappy.  That being said, it takes a lot to make me unhappy.  But I'm afraid that once that balance is tipped it is hard to get me back to feeling secure.

2.  Neurotic about babies.

3.  Kind of emotionally unstable in general.  However, this one is also a huge benefit much of the time since I'm generally agreeable from being well medicated (relates to point #1).

4.  Not rich.

Why did I think that I'd be much better with a serious relationship because I'd been married?  SB gets excited about "working through problems" and the idea of couples counseling, but to be honest, I have little interest in either right now.

Eh, I'm probably still grumpy from that last menstrual period.

.....

Reasons to DATE me

1.  Generally in good spirits (really!)

2.  Doesn't need much convincing to make-out

3.  Good in bed

 .....

Perks to dating or being in a relationship with me

1.  Will pay for everything if the other person wants me to.

2.  Doesn't complain about episodes of bad sex.

.....

SB moved in last December (replacing one of my housemates) with the agreement that he would contribute to the household bills.  In reality it is very difficult to get him to pay anything and he never gives any money towards his rent without being asked for it.  He is three months behind (the only reason why he is not further behind is because his entire tax return went towards his back rent).  I am unemployed and he works and I am paying for his living expenses and I feel like an idiot.

We have a lot of fun together and it sucks that something as dumb as money has made me unhappy.  We have discussed this over and over and I always believe promises given.  It's to the point where I can't have a casual conversation with him because the main thoughts running through my head are about how dumb I feel because I'm in a bit of a financial pickle now.  I can't lay in my own bedroom and fall asleep because I am so angry.

But I also know that once I get upset I can't see things rationally.  Right now I think my best option is to ask him to move out and rent out the two spare rooms again (the second housemate moved out of state for an internship last month).  Can anyone talk me off of the breaking up ledge?

9 comments:

Sophie said...

Uuurgh! Men and money are just so frustrating.

I'm gonna try and talk you off the breaking up ledge but understand that I know that ultimately you are the one that knows how you're feeling and whether this is gonna work. If you wanna end it, I will support that too.

There is a very good chance your man is utterly clueless... Tell it to him straight. Tell it to him hard. Shape up or ship out. My hubby is devoted... but my god he needs a line drawn with a flaming lightsaber....

Bad sex? Honey, slap that man around the upside of his head for me.

biojen said...

Honestly, if he isn't paying his fair share now when you are unemployed he never will. I agree you may want to give him the shape up or ship out ultimatum, but I wouldn't hold your breath. It is not reasonable to expect someone to pay for your living expenses unless they are taking care of the house (is he?). I don't think you are over-reacting. Good luck with whatever you decide. Relationships are so dang complicated.

Barbara said...

What Sophie said. What biojen said. He needs to be told in words of few syllables. Unless of course you really just want to end the relationship...

Hugs to you.

xxx

mommyodyssey said...

That's a toughie.
Ok - first of all, I'm the primary breadwinner, and my husband makes about 1/4 of my salary. But this is because he's a student. Though it's led to a few fights, I know that he feels guilty about the fact that he doesn't contribute as much as I do. That's enough for me now, especially since we have a deal in place that I get to go to school again as soon as he's done to "even the score".
I think it works because I know he WOULD contribute more if he could.
I don't know if this is the case with SB, but it seems like it isn't. If he's in a relationship with you, he needs to put your needs on equal footing with his. If you're unemployed, and he's making money, unless he's paying ALL the bills, plus food, etc, then you're all good. If he's not contributing to the household, he's obviously not putting your needs first. That means he's not worth your time, and you deserve better.
I think the "reasons not to date you" are irrelevant, because the reasons to date you are far more important. We all have baggage, it's not a big deal.
If this man isn't putting your needs on equal footing with his, and you are unhappy, in the sage words of Dan Savage: DTMFA!

Alexicographer said...

Erm. Since you asked, I'd dump him now, though I'd expect him to take time to get out of your house and might feel a need to be prepared for a fight about that.

But then, I'm something of a fan of "dump him now" thinking captured here -- http://blog.iblamethepatriarchy.com/2011/06/27/spinster-aunt-answers-eternal-question-should-i-dump-him-and-if-so-when/ and at the related site youarenotcrazy.com , so take my advice in that context and evaluate it as you see fit. And please know that I know I am not you and don't know what you know, so obviously it is you who need to make this decision and not me!

Quiet Dreams said...

I am going to refrain from offering any advice as I have the same reasons to not be in a relationship with me, especially #s 1 and 4.

That being said, I think that Sophie may have hit the nail on the head. Good luck with this one.

Kristin said...

Money is a big deal and, while I can't and won't tell you what to do, I will say this...it won't get any better if you have children or get married. You have to decide what you can handle. {{{Hugs}}}

myskytimes said...

First off.... I'm thrilled to see you blogging again! Missed your voice.

Second: don't you dare to keep the "Reasons to DATE" list so short. You forgot what a wonderful person you are all around. Passionate, empathic, lovable... there's quite a few points missing on your list. Meaning: don't make yourself smaller than you are.

As for SB. Sigh.... Sophie and biojen said it. Do what feels right for you. Thinking about you. xoxo

Wabi said...

What Kristin said. It sounds like you've got a lot of thinking and talking to do with him ... because this is a big deal.