Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

The music playing through the speakers on my desktop is a little too loud but it compensates somewhat for the rest of the house being so very quiet.


Snuggle Bunny's friends are automatically presumed to be my friends too, which is great and I never even questioned this until the weekend before last when he was encouraging me over and over to have brunch with another couple because they really wanted to see us and this would be their last chance for a while since their baby would be born soon.  I'd been feeling much more relaxed regarding the pregnancies of others, at least from a distance, but didn't feel like seeing how my PTSD was doing lately by sitting across a table from a full-term sized belly.  I suggested that he go alone but he said that they are my friends too and they want to see me, which made me think that I would not spend time with the wife outside of parties and brunch.  She's much too argumentative (have your own opinion but every once in a while you gotta shut up and listen to other people if you want to have friends).  Brunch with a couple that I've seen occasionally for the past 2 years, and that I had just realized I didn't really connect with, did not seem worth risking my emotional state over.  SB suggested I take a clonazepam before we left the house and get a mimosa with brunch.  I did not take kindly to this suggestion of being sedated just to get through a stupid meal gracefully.

Things have not been super great between SB and me lately.

I'd been looking forward to an event tonight.  Then, just when all I am missing is a layer of lipstick before walking out the door, SB faces his phone screen towards me so I can see the photo of the couples daughter who was born a few hours ago.  And I'm really not trying to be a bitch about this or belabor the fact that my son didn't survive, but suddenly I felt the very opposite of hungry and being in a crowded, trendy gastro-pub all night no longer sounded fun.  I said I would drive over myself in a bit (SB is the dj tonight so has to be there from before start and after finish).

I am happy and super relieved that a new baby has been safely delivered.  I don't know why I'm reacting so poorly still.  And while time has helped a great deal, the sadness is kind of transforming into deeper self loathing since I'm ashamed for still being bothered at all and I'm ashamed of not being pregnant yet.  Oh, and I don't feel awesome for not having found a job yet either.  On top of all of this here's how my last period went:
Monday a week ago - spotting, 5-7 days before a period should show up
Tuesday - bleeding
Wednesday - nothing!?
Thursday through Saturday - a fucking blood bath
Sunday - bleeding
Monday - wondering if it will ever end
Today - I think it's wrapping up

Meanwhile SB is determined to impregnate me and keeps talking about it.  I give up!  I'm uncomfortable in this relationship and have completely lost faith that the vision of having a family of my own (in which I would be relaxed and mentally stable) will ever happen.

My car was in the shop for a while and when picking it up a friend suggested that instead of continuing to dislike the car and desire trading it in for something else (just been waiting for a reason and, now, a source of income for car payments), I should just keep it and enjoy it.  This is definitely the easier way to go.  So I stopped thinking about how much I can't wait to get rid of that tiny sports car with no back seat and I'm simply enjoying how fast the little thing goes.


That all may sound sad, but overall I've had a great summer and I'm managing well given the stress of being unemployed.  I've been meaning to write for months now but I'm tired of writing this story, I'm exhausted from Toren still being dead.  The next chapter was supposed to be about rainbows. 

Anyway, I've been chattering on about nothing every so often here


Quiet Dreams said...

Navigating friendships of the significant other can be tricky. Of course it can be nice to automatically be "in," but sometimes you may want to take a step (or ten) back from the automatic expectations.

I have not been through what you have, but it does NOT seem strange to me that you are still grieving.

Much love to you.

Lachlan's Mum said...

It's been over two years since my son died, and I even have a rainbow baby, and I still find pregnancies and births unsettling.

Alexicographer said...

I'm here via Kym as your sock buddy (socks are en route, hopefully, bearing stuff I think you and I each use to drown/soothe sorrows. Not clonazepam, though.) and have been trying to figure out how to introduce myself and what to say.


To situate some of the grief you describe in the context of much less serious stuff I've experienced, I'm an infertility patient who went through a bunch of IVFs exactly one of which led to a pregnancy, and that to, I'll admit it, a baby who came home with me in a boringly uneventful and full-term way and, who, to date, has been exhausting me ever since, something for which I am grateful every single day.

I did not read a single baby book when I was pregnant with him. I did allow myself to read one birth book, and I read a week or two ahead in the "what to expect" sort of books -- but not more. I didn't want to tempt fate. I haven't admitted this elsewhere, but it seems I still don't. A week or so before his most recent birthday I thought about buying a candle, the kind that has the birthday's number. I didn't. I picked it up day of because -- why tempt fate? Living through this stuff, even worrying you might, sticks with you, is what I'm trying to say.

I had a friend get pregnant on her first IVF; I was happy for her, but I felt jealous. How come she had it so easy? I knew it was stupid, not because it's inherently dumb not to rejoice at others' joy (though perhaps that) but because I knew a pregnancy wasn't really her goal. I told her how I felt, actually, and that I knew it was stupid. Tragically, her pregnancy was ectopic, and not just ectopic but messily so. So now I'm not jealous of her but sad for her.

Even that simple stuff -- much of it good! -- is tough, and carries such complex and conflicting emotions. I think the reactions you're describing make perfectly good sense.

I'm sorry your SB doesn't "get it."

Anonymous said...

Hey hon. I'm happy to see you back on here.
I think it makes sense that these things will continue to bother you. I sense you're feeling guilty about this, but you shouldn't. Yes, sometimes we get tired of grieving, but there's no use in fighting it. If it's there, it's there.
I've lost three babies in the first trimester, but I've never been in your shoes. I can only imagine the grief you're going through, so I hope you excuse me if I draw a comparison.
When I was living in the US, I lost an ex-boyfriend (up until that time the person I considered the greatest love of my life) in a suicide bombing. It was heartbreaking. It was one of the worst things that have ever happened to me.
I was surrounded by friends, but felt utterly alone. None of them "got it". They tried. But if you haven't been through it, there's really no way to fully understand what that kind of loss does to a person.
So what does this have to do with you? Well, SB can't understand what you're going through. It's just one of those "you'd have to go through it to understand it, and I'd never wish it on anybody" things. I'm sure he means well. I hope you communicate to him when he does something wrong. Hopefully he'll get the hang of it eventually.
Does that make any sense?
Sending you huge hugs!

Sophie said...

Babies and pregnancy still affect me too Anna... so I don't think it's odd that you've had a reaction...they seemed especially intense for me when I was trying to concieve my rainbow, so I get it, I really do.

As for Snuggle Bunny. Being out of work puts a huge ammount of stress on someone. On him, on you... When my hubby lost his job during the first year of our mortgage, oh my, it was NOT GOOD. All I'm saying is, don't be too quick to toss him to the curb, you're under a lot of stress and that's making things hard for the moment... (maybe too hard by the sounds of it... So he's that keen to get you impregnated huh? Lol.)

My advice to Snuggle Bunny is do lots more housework, give lots more massages, and watch lots less sports... I think I ovulate every time I hear the dishes being put away...


Reba said...

really good to see you back here.
i'm not doing very well, reproductively or mentally or relationship-ly. (yes i know that's not a word.)
i like seeing your other blog. how did i miss it before.

i'm sorry about SB and the other couple and the period. :(

Heather said...

"I did not take kindly to this suggestion of being sedated just to get through a stupid meal gracefully." Usually I like this sort of suggestion. I mean, let's face it, loosing a baby means we get a free pass to be assholes to pregnant chic's, loath the site of infants and say eff you to anyone who wants us to feel guilty about it! The shame feeling is cruel, feeling ashamed because you aren't pregnant. Sigh. Boy, I get that. I'm sorry about Toren. I'm sorry you have effed up periods, and I'm sorry your SB isn't prince charming. I'm sorry you are here, and I'm sorry you can't spend your every waking moment in that garden. And I am so sorry that you have yet to write your rainbow chapter.

JoyAndSorrow said...

Our sons still being dead IS exhausting. I'm tired. All the time. It sucks. xo