Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Rough week in Terminus

So bad in fact that I felt it was too depressing for my grief blog but I just want to say some stuff.

On the second day of life my friends baby had a seizure and a stroke, or a stroke then a seizure, (doctors were not able to determine the cause) and he has been in the NICU all week. My heart breaks for his parents. The baby is improving and hopefully they will get to take him home on Tuesday and time will tell if he suffered permanent brain damage. So far it sounds like he will be on anti-seizure meds for a long time/lifetime. My prayer is that he grows healthy and has no permanent mental setbacks.

After making sure it was ok with them if I accompanied my husband for a visit tonight (this is the woman I wrote that letter to, people learn from my mistakes, it looks like it is a better tactic to remain a silent deadbabymama when perky prego's gush about their joy), guess who only lasted about 5 minutes in the NICU waiting room before having a panic attack and stumbling out of the waiting room, hallways, elevator, lobby to smoke, cry, and tremble outside.

Not that my week has been shittier than the new parents (since it's hard to top that) but I have experienced so many emotions this week. Although if I had to pick one overriding emotion of the week it would be humiliation. I don't ever want to show my face around them again after freaking out like that. Way to show support huh? I really didn't anticipate such anxiety.

AND that wasn't even the only humiliating moment of the week! I also finally had sex but once it was over I really regretted that act of seduction. HUGE mistake! It very much did NOT have the desired effect. Perhaps I'll save that story for my next installment of "Don't do this!"

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

You all are very much appreciated and your comments have gotten me through some rough days. I'm behind on sending replies to some comments and I still need to thank Meg for the pretty card that arrived a while ago (Meg, the card is so beautiful, you are so thoughtful to provide such support). I periodically review all of the cards I have received and they really help. I have some new books of poetry from a new-to-me poet and there are some poems I'll write into the next rounds of cards I send out. And if anyone else wants to receive some cards of encouragement in the mail just let me know. Seriously, fun activities are appreciated right now.

I did end up taking that post down from LJ after a few friends commented how they were thinking of me but wanted to give me space. These are my dearest humans on Earth and if I'm too open with them they get uncomfortable. Even non maternal types are upset by the idea of dead babies, perhaps even more so by tiny deformed babies, and ones that live happily while in utero but are not able to live after birth.

Now to sound like a complete spoiled, self-involved whiner...
I'm having some kind of mental breakdown. My friend (or ex-friend, who I wrote the letter to) safely delivered her baby boy yesterday. I am incredibly relieved that the birth went well and they have a healthy baby to bring home and raise. I didn't expect to feel more than small twinges of oweeiness over wanting a similar life for myself. Instead I've been stricken with a bad case of the "Why me?"s

Huge, ugly pains of jealousy. Then confronting my husband, asking why he couldn't even just say that we would have a baby too someday soon. But he can't make promises about our future. Monumentous, horrible jealousy then. No baby and no hope right now.

Do you know that my friend who sent out the baby announcement text message really debated over sending it to me? I've become a person who people hesitate to give good news to. It's so shameful.

Monday, November 10, 2008

I'm pasting in what I wrote in my live journal today. I started this blog soon after I stopped talking about deadbabies there since my friends who know me in person would get upset that I was sad. They want to see me happy and I love them so I filter out the really sad stuff so they don't worry about me. I feel very exposed having said so much to them so I might take it down from there. I don't really know why I put it up there in the first place.

I was going to turn some of the ideas into a nicer post for here but for now I'll just include it as is and add any thoughts later.

"How do you measure a year?"
With all of the crazy musical theater-ish videos I've put up lately I won't include that RENT song here (did you all know that I'm a huge RENT fan? The obsession was really bad a few years ago (10! shoot time flies), now all I want to listen to is Wicked).

Anywho - "How do you measure a year?"

This last year has been measured in bottles of wine, cigarettes, tubes of water proof mascara, stupid thoughtless comments, hurtful purposeful comments, relationships lost/stalled, and amazing support found. I wish I could say I had learned some life lesson that improved my personality / impact on the world / level of care in relationships - positive things that balanced out that sickening feeling and intense longing for my child, but I haven't. Not this year anyway.

Saturday was the calmest, lowest day. I gave up wishing people would offer some support regardless of if they could comprehend this sort of loss, or disapproved of such prolonged mourning; support and care just because someone says they love you isn't as natural as I thought. I didn't mention the anniversary while talking to my dad on the phone since I didn't want to hear any comments from him about his surprise that I'm still upset about this. Seriously people, you hold your dead son and then you may tell me an appropriate time frame for being "upset". My mother hasn't contacted me in months since I told her that some things she said hurt my feelings.

In the past year, for the first time in my life, I spoke my mind, telling people the things I needed to be protected from. It's hard to say if those communications turned out well or not. I never imagined my mother would stop talking to me, preferring to stick to her temper tantrum than show some extra love during the worst time of my life. I know I need to be the one to contact her but honestly she is so difficult that I've been putting it off until I'm actually ready to deal with her shit again. So we probably will talk again but I think I'll always remember how she bailed out when things got tough. Not like I blame people though. I have been miserable to be around - depressed and angry. Again, spend a moment with my memories before being surprised that I'm angry.

On Saturday I thought "this is the feeling that makes people want to joint cults". The kind of cults that provide a close knit family like structure. Living in a compound, severing ties with non-believers, crazy suicide pacts.

So spiritual thought for today... cheerfulness practice.

"Cheerfulness practice is not letting pleasantness or kindness or anything that feels good in your life go by, but actually noting it."

"Don't underestimate the things in your life that bring you happiness."

- Pema Chodron

This is not faking it til you make it, I've come a long way since then - this is living with this lingering sense of loss and emptiness but still enjoying things.

Lovely things today
I worked out at the gym yesterday and today my spine feels wonderful!
I love the view I have from my office of the skyline and the trees turning color.
Afterglow of spending time with my nearest and dearest yesterday.
Despite all of the alcohol I drank yesterday I'm feeling ok and am being productive at work (horray for this impressively high alcohol tolerance!).

Sorry, that was more than I intended to write.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008


Thank you Sophie for the meme tag! I'm finally getting to it (what a slacker!).

The rule is to give one word responses.

1. Where is your cell phone? Here

2. Where is your significant other? TV

3. Your hair color? Black

4. Your mother? Silent

5. Your father? Happy

6. Your favorite thing? Togetherness

7. Your dream last night? Uncomfortable

8. Your dream/goal? revival

9. The room you’re in? Bedroom

10. Your hobby? pastime? Gardening

11. Your fear? Loneliness

12. Where do you want to be in six years? Undecided

13. Where were you last night? Home

14. What you’re not? Relaxed

15. One of your wish list items? Boulder

16. Where you grew up? All over

17. The last thing you did? Nap

18. What are you wearing? sweatshirt

19. Your T.V.? HUGE!

20. Your pet/s? Shaven

21. Your computer? Portal

22. Your mood? Anxious

23. Missing someone? With every part of my being - or - yes

24. Your car? Smelly

25. Something you’re not wearing? Bra (kind of a personal answer!)

26. Favorite store? None

27. Your Summer Rapid

28. Love someone? Unrequited

29. Your favorite color? Orange

30. When is the last time you laughed? Today

31. Last time you cried? Monday

I think everyone I know has been tagged already but I haven't seen the bling in some of my favorite blogs yet so friends go for it if you are so inclined

Sara, Debbie, Zil, Reba, Msfitzita, Gal

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Step one - CHECK

For months now my silent life wish has been something like this:
1. Obama for president
2. Economy repaired
3. Husband gets awesome job
4. Love, romance, passion, ease rekindled in marriage
5. Baby returns

Poor Barack Obama has quite a large task ahead of him according to this! (Nevermind digging the country out of a huge pit of trouble) Petitioning the Heavens for reincarnation of beloved souls was not included in his campaign ...

The previous 2 presidential elections turned into such depressing nights that I still can't believe that it's over and decided, just like that! No recounting. And it ended in hope. I don't know what the future brings, having become a glass half empty kind of person I recognize that things can go to hell easier than you could ever imagine, but as soon as the afterglow starts, as soon as relief, joy, and hope find room in this cold heart, I will bask in pure hope that things can improve.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Even worse

I've been avoiding visiting the cemetery where Toren's ashes were to end up with the "hospital disposition". I understood that there would be no way of knowing when the urn containing his ashes would be full and then buried in a plot with the ashes of his peers. But today I had an extra hour to kill.

This place is completely depressing and not because of the obvious issues of being a mass grave for the ashes of fetus' and infants but because it is unkempt and lacks even a simple marker stating what the ground holds. This sounds totally ungrateful since the burial of these remains are done free of charge and there is a bench to rest on with a dove engraved, but not a single word about the babies. Like it's something to be ashamed of. The information I received about the plot almost a year ago states that only flowers may be left in a vase next to the bench. There is no vase, but parents leave mementos anyway and I have heard that periodically they are cleared away.

After collapsing on the bench in horror at the lack of a memorial I got up and began frantically pulling crab grass and clearing away fallen leaves only stopping when my fingers became raw and my left hand was covered in welts from an encounter with a fire ant nest. I tidied stuffed animals, brushed the dirt off of tiny clothes and carefully refolded them, wrote a letter to Toren, smoked 2 cigarettes, and left some flowers with Toren's letter.

Next time I'm wearing better gardening clothes and bringing gloves, a bag for yard waste, and some hand tools. I'm contemplating bringing a garden for butterflies on tour by doing some planting there. Sure you aren't supposed to leave anything there but babies aren't supposed to die either so fuck those rules.

I hate this. Seriously, where is the goddamn light at the end of the tunnel? But there are times when I don't care to live anymore and making my memorial garden kept me busy and now clearing the weeds from this grave site provides a new project to pour energy into. I really hate this.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Lights on October 31

I can't figure out how to take good nighttime photos, but these vaguely show how my house and garden were decorated for last night.

I imagined I would have plenty to say about life one year after the bad news day but I've got nothing.

After even just a week or so of blogland absence it will take a few days to catch up on all of my favorite blogs to read but I may not have anything to say to you all either. Sorry, I do care for you all very much but words have left me.