So bad in fact that I felt it was too depressing for my grief blog but I just want to say some stuff.
On the second day of life my friends baby had a seizure and a stroke, or a stroke then a seizure, (doctors were not able to determine the cause) and he has been in the NICU all week. My heart breaks for his parents. The baby is improving and hopefully they will get to take him home on Tuesday and time will tell if he suffered permanent brain damage. So far it sounds like he will be on anti-seizure meds for a long time/lifetime. My prayer is that he grows healthy and has no permanent mental setbacks.
After making sure it was ok with them if I accompanied my husband for a visit tonight (this is the woman I wrote that letter to, people learn from my mistakes, it looks like it is a better tactic to remain a silent deadbabymama when perky prego's gush about their joy), guess who only lasted about 5 minutes in the NICU waiting room before having a panic attack and stumbling out of the waiting room, hallways, elevator, lobby to smoke, cry, and tremble outside.
Not that my week has been shittier than the new parents (since it's hard to top that) but I have experienced so many emotions this week. Although if I had to pick one overriding emotion of the week it would be humiliation. I don't ever want to show my face around them again after freaking out like that. Way to show support huh? I really didn't anticipate such anxiety.
AND that wasn't even the only humiliating moment of the week! I also finally had sex but once it was over I really regretted that act of seduction. HUGE mistake! It very much did NOT have the desired effect. Perhaps I'll save that story for my next installment of "Don't do this!"