Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Rough week in Terminus

So bad in fact that I felt it was too depressing for my grief blog but I just want to say some stuff.

On the second day of life my friends baby had a seizure and a stroke, or a stroke then a seizure, (doctors were not able to determine the cause) and he has been in the NICU all week. My heart breaks for his parents. The baby is improving and hopefully they will get to take him home on Tuesday and time will tell if he suffered permanent brain damage. So far it sounds like he will be on anti-seizure meds for a long time/lifetime. My prayer is that he grows healthy and has no permanent mental setbacks.

After making sure it was ok with them if I accompanied my husband for a visit tonight (this is the woman I wrote that letter to, people learn from my mistakes, it looks like it is a better tactic to remain a silent deadbabymama when perky prego's gush about their joy), guess who only lasted about 5 minutes in the NICU waiting room before having a panic attack and stumbling out of the waiting room, hallways, elevator, lobby to smoke, cry, and tremble outside.

Not that my week has been shittier than the new parents (since it's hard to top that) but I have experienced so many emotions this week. Although if I had to pick one overriding emotion of the week it would be humiliation. I don't ever want to show my face around them again after freaking out like that. Way to show support huh? I really didn't anticipate such anxiety.

AND that wasn't even the only humiliating moment of the week! I also finally had sex but once it was over I really regretted that act of seduction. HUGE mistake! It very much did NOT have the desired effect. Perhaps I'll save that story for my next installment of "Don't do this!"


janis said...

((hugs)) and keeping fingers crossed for your friend's baby.

CLC said...

That is a rough week. Hang in there.

debbie said...

Uggh. That's awful. I'm so sorry Anna. I don't think I'd regret sending the letter to your friend though. It was important to do at the time. Her experiences now can't diminish your feelings then.

I can't believe a tiny little baby can have a stroke. How tragic. I really hope there are no lasting effects.
And about the panic attack--i bet you're harder on yourself than they are being. It's grief you can't help it, and if anyone can understand you right now, it's probably them. Try giving yourself a little break. You hadn't been back to a nicu since and I'm sure a large portion of people in your shoes will never be able to go back to one. It was big of you to try. Also, I think the first time is the worst, it may not be as bad if you ever decide to go visit them again. If it makes you feel better, shoot her a short note, something like sorry about that, had not anticipated that at all. I came to support you but had a rush of emotion I had not planned on. I'm doing better now and want u to know I'm thinking of you. . . that kind of thing.
hang in there!
ps sorry about the husband event. :(

Meg said...

I think you're too hard on yourself. What she did was inconciderate and unthoughtful with that letter and the stroller when you went over for dinner. Just because something bad happened now, doesn't mean it absolves her from her past mistakes. I totally understand where you're coming from, though. But, you can't turn on yourself. What you felt was real and I'm glad you confronted it, rather than let it eat you alive.

As for the panic attack, that was OBVIOUSLY not your fault. You can't help that. Like Debbie said, you at least went and tried. That is worth a LOT! And her note is perfect. It would show a willing spirit, and maybe smooth feelings.

I'm sorry things didn't work out with your husband. I don't know what happened, but maybe you can look at that as "at least I tried" kind of a thing? Sorry you feel humiliated. I'm sure it is HIM with the issue, not you.

I hope for your friend's baby that he'll be ok and I hope for you that you'll be ok. All we can do it try and that's what you're doing will much effort!

Ya Chun said...

I'm glad you tried to go see the newborn. I am not sure I would have even tried! There are babes back at their homes that I haven't even gone to see yet.

I am sorry things are hard between you and your hubby. While I am not sure exactly what is going on, it's hard for me to imagine how a h and w can be humiliated in front of each other.... Bodies are quirky and there's one person you get to share all those malfunctions with. (I still cry sometimes after we 'do it', which deeply pains my husband.)

Reba said...

You did so well to go to the hospital and visit your friend's baby. There is no weakness in grieving for your little one when you're confronted with newborns. I sobbed in the hospital when I visited my own niece for the first time.

I will be keeping your friend's baby in my thoughts and hoping everything is okay.

Zil said...

I'm sorry about your friend's baby. You were very courageous to go to the hospital. That was very kind and supportive. The fact that you made the effort means a lot. After our NICU stint a few years back and more recent hospital experience, I'm quite sure I would not have even considered visiting.

Don't feel humiliated for your emotional reaction or what happened at home. The journey back to fully functioning is long, twisted, and bumpy.

Some days I personally think it would be easier to be a hermit...or a nun.

Sophie said...

You're being so quiet, I hope you are okay.

I hope your friends baby is doing better.

I think it is perfectly normal for you to be emotional being anywhere near a nicu.

And husbands... sheesh don't get me started...

BTW I am sorry I haven't commented sooner. I am here and I have been reading.

I hope we hear some good news soon.


Meg said...


I sent you an e card. I hope that isn't cheesy. I can't find another real card that I like yet, so I still wanted to send you s thought. I hope you're ok. This is a judge free zone and you don't ever have to feel like things are too "dark" for us here. That's what we're here for. Hope to hear from you soon.

Meg said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Meg said...

That last one was me, I guess I hit post twice. Sorry.