I haven't even looked at my blog since the last pathetic post. I wish I could be saying how much things have improved but alas...
Anyway, I'm here representing those who are NOT COPING WELL. What follows will be a recount of more "not my best moments" but maybe this will help someone else out there.
Since last post, in chronological order
1. Gave up, consumed too many pills and too much alcohol
2. Taken to ER
3. Involuntary inpatient treatment for 4 days
4. Evening outpatient treatment
5. Thanksgiving - husband says he does indeed plan to move out once he gets a job
6. Heartbroken, rejected, but thankfully numb most of the time
7. Gotta see if my outpatient treatment can be extended beyond this week since I can certainly use more therapy and mood managing skills
From this point I think I'm not going to talk about or read about deadbabies for a while without a therapist present since I'm right at the edge of hanging in there. Oh fuck, that's not even true, I have fallen off the edge. I'm not hanging in well but I'm going through the motions of being a person who has hopes for the future.
All of that sounds really bad but right now I'm not a physical danger to myself or anyone else. I'm not drinking anymore. On a positive note I've been communicating with my Mom again and it has been really nice, and my husband understands that I want to live in the house and he will contribute some money to the mortgage every month and in return he'll get what he paid back whenever I sell the house. That way he still has an investment. And the housing market is not pretty here right now so it's a relief to not have to try to sell the house right now.
So ... no hope for a baby any time soon. In fact I'll be even farther away from a baby than I imagined a year ago. So many preparations with finishing degrees, buying a house, a long term marriage, so that a child could have a stable home to grow up in and now a key part of it all is leaving. Leaving without even giving it another chance. But I guess anyone would want to get away from a crazy lady.
You know, this all seems so surreal. While no where near to perfect I really don't try to intentionally hurt people, I really try to be a good person. But my life looks like it must belong to someone who sucks. Surely good people get good things, don't they? At least some of the time?
So this blog is not about rebuilding a marriage and successfully having a child after a deadbaby anymore. If anything, it will be about finding something to do in life once the life you carefully planned is no longer a possibility.