Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Ducks are out of their row

I haven't even looked at my blog since the last pathetic post. I wish I could be saying how much things have improved but alas...

Anyway, I'm here representing those who are NOT COPING WELL. What follows will be a recount of more "not my best moments" but maybe this will help someone else out there.

Since last post, in chronological order
1. Gave up, consumed too many pills and too much alcohol
2. Taken to ER
3. Involuntary inpatient treatment for 4 days
4. Evening outpatient treatment
5. Thanksgiving - husband says he does indeed plan to move out once he gets a job
6. Heartbroken, rejected, but thankfully numb most of the time
7. Gotta see if my outpatient treatment can be extended beyond this week since I can certainly use more therapy and mood managing skills

From this point I think I'm not going to talk about or read about deadbabies for a while without a therapist present since I'm right at the edge of hanging in there. Oh fuck, that's not even true, I have fallen off the edge. I'm not hanging in well but I'm going through the motions of being a person who has hopes for the future.

All of that sounds really bad but right now I'm not a physical danger to myself or anyone else. I'm not drinking anymore. On a positive note I've been communicating with my Mom again and it has been really nice, and my husband understands that I want to live in the house and he will contribute some money to the mortgage every month and in return he'll get what he paid back whenever I sell the house. That way he still has an investment. And the housing market is not pretty here right now so it's a relief to not have to try to sell the house right now.

So ... no hope for a baby any time soon. In fact I'll be even farther away from a baby than I imagined a year ago. So many preparations with finishing degrees, buying a house, a long term marriage, so that a child could have a stable home to grow up in and now a key part of it all is leaving. Leaving without even giving it another chance. But I guess anyone would want to get away from a crazy lady.

You know, this all seems so surreal. While no where near to perfect I really don't try to intentionally hurt people, I really try to be a good person. But my life looks like it must belong to someone who sucks. Surely good people get good things, don't they? At least some of the time?

So this blog is not about rebuilding a marriage and successfully having a child after a deadbaby anymore. If anything, it will be about finding something to do in life once the life you carefully planned is no longer a possibility.


janis said...

I am so terribly sorry about this, Anna. This is hard, what a place to be in!
But you will get back on your feet again, and we're here for you.
Take good care, xoxo

Sara said...

Oh, Anna, I'm so sorry things aren't going well for you. I wish I could give you a big hug. You don't deserve this and you ARE a good person. I've had those same kinds of thoughts before. My marriage is pretty rickety right now, too, but I have to believe that where I am now is the result of a perfect storm of bad luck. You and I have made the best choices we could with the information we had at the time. It doesn't make things any easier to deal with. Please let me know if there's anything I can do.

Ya Chun said...

take care of yourself, and if that means stepping away from all the emotional downloading that happens on the blogs, by all means do so. hang in there... no one can say where life will lead.

Sophie said...

I'm so sorry Anna. If there is anything at all I can do for you please let me know. I am thinking of you.


CLC said...

I am so sorry Anna. This is so hard. Just know that you are not alone. I fully admit that I have thought about just giving up at one time or another. It doesn't mean your crazy. Like Sara said, you are riding a perfect storm of bad luck. Please know that we are here for you whenever you need to unload.

Zil said...

Anna Marie,

I'm sorry to hear of the rocky road you're traveling right now.

It's totally understandable if a break from blogging is necessary - that's the beauty of blogs, no strings attached.

If you need anything at all, I'm only an email away.

Hope said...

Anna Marie-
I'm so sorry to hear about the pain you are going through right now! Please be gentle with yourself and know that you have lots of friends who are here for you!
I know we've just met through our blogs, but please let me know if I can do anything!

Take whatever break you want- We'll be here when you want to resurface again!

You'll be in my thoughts!

Reba said...

I am so relieved to see a post from you, but so sorry things have been going downhill. :( I was getting really worried. You have my email, please write if you need somebody to talk to.

Wabi said...

Holy crap Anna Marie, I am so sorry you've fallen into this black hole. And admiring you for writing about it truthfully.

I am rooting for you. Big time. Please hang in there any way you can, and worry about the rest later.

Meg said...

Oh Anna Marie, I'm so sorry for your saddness. For your husband to walk out on you does NOT make you the crazy one. He is heartless.
I was so worried that you'd killed yourself when you didn't write for so long. I'm sorry you had to struggle with that. I hope the counseling will help you get through this hard time. I've never been hospitalized, but I have grappled with those thoughts for most of my life. When things get hard, that's what I turn to first, unfortunately. I hope you can learn differnt coping skills. I think I need to, too.
I'm glad you're still here.
At least with your husband out of the picture, you won't have him belittling your grief. You are allowed to be sad for as long as you are sad! No one should tell you it's time to move on or that you should be "over it" by now. I hope that good things come your way. And, you ARE a good person and this crap you're dealing with has nothing to do with the kind of person you are. Bad things just happen. But, you deserve so much better. I'm so sorry for what you're having to deal with. We are here for you. I am here for you.

Meg said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Meg said...

I did it again! I posted twice again by accident. Sorry.