Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Recent moments

This past Sunday night while on my way to pick A up from the airport, with traffic clear I accelerate and enter the highway - the little car obediently and easily surges ahead and I think "how fun!".

Just over an hour ago I exit the bank and the wind catches my hair and my entire being feels light. I had just opened my own checking and savings accounts. My first "own" accounts in over 11 years. My husband and I have divided our finances.

Three hours ago my hair had 6 inches of length removed. I left the salon wondering if I should ask for the hair to use in a ritual tonight before deciding walking away and not looking back was the ritual. The length I loved is gone but so are the dry, thin, fading ends; what remains is thick and black and wild with so much weight gone.

Before going to the hair salon I read blogs, enjoying your end of year/New Years reflections. Ya Chun posted photos of her daughters name written in the sand and I thought about how I want to write Toren's name over and over in sand as a silent shout to the Universe, but also thought that I wouldn't visit a beach any time soon. Hours later, plans have been made, I'm packed and soon I'll be joining some friends for an impromptu journey to the coast. Tomorrow morning will find me watching the sun rise over the Atlantic Ocean.

I didn't realize until just now how urgently I need to get away from my home and daily life. Up until right now I saw the new year as just an extension of 2008, which was all about dealing with the events of 2007. I wish I could have some sense of a new start but with so much past baggage that I'm dealing with I don't know if that is possible. I now approach every day as a new day but in each new day there are still things from previous days that bring about heartache. But maybe, MAYBE, I can feel that things will be different now. Perhaps a visit to one of my favorite cities and the ocean and the sun can restore hope for happier days.

Best wishes to you all for happy dreams to come true in 2009!


debbie said...

How delightful Anna! Happy new year! So glad you're safe and happy and able to enjoy this moment.

Have a blast on your trip-. I can't think of a better way to ring in the new year! you most post pictures of the beach when you get back!

Hope said...

Anne Marie-
I'm so glad that you are going to get away from everything-what a great way to start your year off right!
I love that you cut your hair too!
Good for you!
I wish you a wonderful 2009, filled with only good things.

Sophie said...

How wonderful! I wish I was going with you.

Have a great time!

Ya Chun said...

Here's to dropping some of the baggage at the threshold to 2009.

(maybe that's it, maybe some of mine got lost in customs!)

Meg said...

I'm so happy for you that you get to get away! I hope it brings you some peace. The beach is always a favorite of mine. We live in CT, so it's easy for me to go. Not that I do that often, but still. Will you bring the doggie? And, it sounds like things are going a little better these days? Or you are coping a little better? Either way, that's great news!! Hope your trip is great and can't wait to hear about it!

Zil said...

Looking forward to hearing about your trip to the shore! What a wonderul way to honor Toren and welcome in the new year.

Ya Chun said...

How ya doing over there Anna Marie? How was the vacay?