This past Sunday night while on my way to pick A up from the airport, with traffic clear I accelerate and enter the highway - the little car obediently and easily surges ahead and I think "how fun!".
Just over an hour ago I exit the bank and the wind catches my hair and my entire being feels light. I had just opened my own checking and savings accounts. My first "own" accounts in over 11 years. My husband and I have divided our finances.
Three hours ago my hair had 6 inches of length removed. I left the salon wondering if I should ask for the hair to use in a ritual tonight before deciding walking away and not looking back was the ritual. The length I loved is gone but so are the dry, thin, fading ends; what remains is thick and black and wild with so much weight gone.
Before going to the hair salon I read blogs, enjoying your end of year/New Years reflections. Ya Chun posted photos of her daughters name written in the sand and I thought about how I want to write Toren's name over and over in sand as a silent shout to the Universe, but also thought that I wouldn't visit a beach any time soon. Hours later, plans have been made, I'm packed and soon I'll be joining some friends for an impromptu journey to the coast. Tomorrow morning will find me watching the sun rise over the Atlantic Ocean.
I didn't realize until just now how urgently I need to get away from my home and daily life. Up until right now I saw the new year as just an extension of 2008, which was all about dealing with the events of 2007. I wish I could have some sense of a new start but with so much past baggage that I'm dealing with I don't know if that is possible. I now approach every day as a new day but in each new day there are still things from previous days that bring about heartache. But maybe, MAYBE, I can feel that things will be different now. Perhaps a visit to one of my favorite cities and the ocean and the sun can restore hope for happier days.
Best wishes to you all for happy dreams to come true in 2009!