Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Car talk

You know how people sometimes say they had an out of body experience with a traumatic incident? I had an in-body experience this afternoon! All of a sudden, when signing papers to buy a car, I wondered "what am I doing and how did I get to this point?" It felt like I had been sucked back into a life that I've been outside of. That only lasted a few seconds though and retreating back to the outside has been kind of a relief.

An hour and 15 minutes ago I bought a car I did not want.

Let me tell you a story ...

My car, as in MY real car - not the new thing, is a 1982 BMW model that was never imported into America. Parts for it are getting very hard to come by and mechanics often don't like working on it since it's not what they are used to. It is also the cutest vehicle ever made! And let me just say that with old cars it would be difficult for anyone not to become obsessed with their vehicle, so I make no apologies for my unhealthy attachment with my car, Polly Prissy Pants (she earned that name!). As wonderful as Polly is, she has some issues and it is about time for her to have an understudy while she gets restored.

My wish
So I asked the Universe for a 2009 Toyota Prius in black or a dark smoky color, with GPS. I wanted a car that was common, reliable, had 4 doors, was not a convertible, and was from this century. Later I would stick a car seat in the back so I wanted a family friendly car.

What actually happened
Yeah, Thanksgiving and the whole marital separation discussion... Aside from the entire plan for my life being maimed, money will get tighter so affording a car payment is further away than I wanted. Then last weekend my husband hears about a car for sale and wants to get it for me because he is worried about me living alone with PPP. I think this is thoughtful of him. So the car belonged to a trusted friend, was a good deal, and will serve my purposes of getting from place to place safely. My husband really likes the car and is out driving it now (he drove it home too while I drove his car). I let him decide on whether or not to buy it since I am so very NOT excited about the situation of needed a car because I will be living alone that I had no opinion on whether the car would be good for me or not.

I don't even know what it is! Aside from the unknown make and model it is a small sporty thing with no back seat and a T top convertible. It is exactly what I did not want. But at a friends suggestion, last week I stopped asking the Universe for the specific things that I wanted and began to ask for blessings instead - whatever blessings the Universe would like to send my way. So maybe this car is a blessing. Sigh - a car I do not want for a life I'm not happy about.

Non car talk
I'm doing well though. Still going to craploads of therapy and working very hard towards emotional stability. There are a lot of changes happening in my life so I'm on edge and cry a lot but I'm so glad to have mental health resources available to me and I'm working towards identifying things to look forward to as a single woman.

I've been wanting my life to change back to being good as quickly as it changed to lousy with that one ultrasound. I wonder if things ever get good that quickly. This weekend there have been many changes though and my life actually looks different now than it did Friday when I left work. There's one more thing that happened this weekend which I'm going to keep secret until I'm sure it will work out and if that all comes together things will be exciting around here sometime next week!!!

Take care Friends!


Ya Chun said...

Hugs to you AnnaMarie.

i hoep it ends up being a separation, and your husband can work thru his issues. I can only think that this tragedy has been more than he can deal with and needs to separate you from his (possibly un-dealt-with) grief.

Now, the snarky, bitter, and perhaps realistic side of me says that, once you get back on your feet, he can buy the damn car from you and you can get your Prius!

If you eve need to talk, email me (address on my profile)

Sara said...

Anna, I'm happy that it sounds like you're in a better place than your last post. Please keep us updated on everything. We're pulling for you!

Meg said...

I hope that whatever it is, works out for you! I'm glad you have help now. And, the good thing about cars is that you can buy them and you can sell them. If you don't like this car, sell it. Then you can get something else that you actually like. Can't wait to hear about your good news.