Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Would you believe that now I don't want to share that much of him with other people?

Monday, February 15, 2010

Too morbid?

Hey y'all, check out my March for Babies widget just to the right. I replaced the ultrasound photo that I used last year with an actual photo of Toren because I love this photo of him. But tell me honestly, will this be too much for "other" people - you know, not deadbaby parents. I wouldn't want this photo to turn people off from donating.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Friday Photo Challenge

The Steadfast Warrior's Friday photo challenge! This week the theme is "Celebrations"

This photo is titled "Thank you deities for that incident free drive home"

Ok, I know you all up North are buried in snow so I am certainly not complaining about the several inches we got here. But the South doesn't do snow well, for instance today it took me 90 minutes to drive the 10 miles between my office and home. That, of course, is not counting the break I took to pick up some groceries on the way home. The first area of the store visited was the ladies room (since I had just spent 40 minutes driving about 3 miles and did not want to have to sit in slush and traffic for the rest of the drive while having to pee), then the wine section where the bottles above were recommended, then a search for dinner (gluten-free pizza), lastly an apple for a snack since I suspected the rest of the drive home may take a while.

When bad weather is approaching my Mother will call me from across the country to remind me to stock up on bottled water, canned foods, and batteries. She is always prepared and could survive for quite a while on her stockpile of sustenance, thus she is appalled that I have to stop by the store most days to pick up food. She would be proud that I purchased enough groceries to last through the weekend, however she may not agree that stocking up on wine and junk food is the best way to go about that.


Now for a late night ramble.

Do you ever feel like the "bad" one in your family?

It's only been relatively recently that my relationship with my parents moved on from the past and turned into something more honest. I'm not close to my siblings and the path of the past leading to that divide is easy to trace but an adult relationship never evolved. And I don't know if it will because I feel like a bad person compared to some of them. I don't go to church. I spend what little extra money I have on unnecessary things like alcohol, eating out, therapy, and the occasional massage or pedicure. I have a failed marriage. I terminated Toren's life because he wasn't "good enough". I found a new boyfriend and am having plenty of sex with no intention to ever marry again.

Of course I don't know what they actually think so these judgments are simply coming from me. They probably don't think of me at all, just like my husband.

Bland Anna. Invisible Anna.

But don't you sometimes feel like you are being negatively judged because you failed at making living babies or because of a failed marriage or because you made a decision that few people can understand? When I "feel" judged by people who don't matter to me I get pissed and move on but feeling that coming from family members is so very indescribably sad.

I guess I just feel bad right now because I would like to get to know them better but how to go about doing that is a mystery. We are so different and I'm just afraid that they have no desire to get to know me.

Have any of you reconnected with a relative or friend? How did it turn out? Do you have any advice?

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Prelude to divorce

It is taking a very long time to get the divorce papers filed. I knew divorce would be the outcome of our story way back in late November 2008; people must be wondering when it will actually happen.

It's very complicated though. Without closure from him - the one calling the shots regarding the dissolution of our marriage - closure must come without knowing what he was thinking. All I have to work with is what I am thinking, and there have been thousands of thoughts, emotions, and memories to sort through.

Ah, here, this scrap of anguish over not being kind enough, and this bite of rejection from being much too demanding, this slimy tidbit of hope that we would eventually understand each other - all of it must be pried form a heart that is scorched and scarred. Blackened bits of memories of when we worked; glowing embers of self-hate still being fueled by breath that whispers "you let him take so much, how could you ignore the glaring signs that he would ultimately hurt you beyond imagination?"

Everyday is a step away from the flames and being passive and being so used to being unheard that I had long stopped saying anything mattered.

Someday, in the bathroom mirror of the home I own by myself, my reflection will square her shoulders and stand up straight and say the words "I respect you for giving your marriage every opportunity to survive. You left no stone unturned, you forgave, forgot, moved on, and remained faithful and loyal. You will never have to wonder 'what if I had only tried more?'".

Filing the paper will be like stepping off the curb to cross the street. I've been walking from the wreckage of "our" life, stepping through the threshold of our family home, closing the door, crossing the lawn ... in the early days gaining very little distance per day and looking back over and over, but lately picking up speed. Each sidewalk square holds a memory or old wish that must be traveled through. "Goodbye" things I thought we enjoyed doing together, "goodbye" extended family, "goodbye" private jokes. Each of our future plans must be sifted through to see which ones are still hopes for my future. Saying goodbye to a genetic sibling of Toren has not been easy. I don't have Toren here and I won't even get someone that looks like him. There will be no individually loved model to even give me a glimpse of what he would have looked like as he aged; no soft, blond, curly hair to stroke and smell to fill, even if only for a minute, some part of the hole that misses him so much.

Across the street my car is packed and the engine is running. The deadbaby mama mobile is sleek and fast and has no room for unwanted passengers. It's within sight, just there across the street, my car is packed with only what I want to keep, waiting for a driver with a new license stating her new name, waiting for someone to steer.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010


The problem is I am way too tired and frustrated with the antidepressant bull. I spoke with my boss after she had a glass of champagne and have been given Friday and next Wednesday (my birthday) off work to make up for all of the overtime I've had in January :D

Not quite so grumpy anymore I took a second look at my sisters adoption e-mail and my new nephew is the cutest little bugger! Not joking. I can't wait for him to get home to his parents and then I can't wait to meet him!

Cross your fingers that all goes well and that he can be with his parents as soon as possible (as in closer to 3 months from now vs 6+)!

A bad mood explained in 9 easy steps - updated

A daily science technology e-mail I receive always includes a quote at the bottom. Today's quote is

"Don't be yourself -- be someone a little nicer"
- Mignon McLaughlin

So far I'm not doing so well at this. How about you all?

1. Let it be known that my meds are being tweaked with again (super lame ass, expensive, frustrating long story) so I am depressed, depressed, depressed. And exhausted from work.

2. I'm reading "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" and it is a very difficult read. It's so sad to recognize that the way the ex and I interacted during our marriage was crap. I feel beaten up and so frustrated that in all probability he will never see that I was an individual and not just an extension of himself. Ow ow ow ow

3. Had a talking to from the snuggle bunny on things that I could do better in our relationship, and he's completely right and I can totally do this, but I'm overwhelmed because I'm already dealing with lingering relationship issues from my ending marriage. A serious relationship found me sooner than I was ready. I was hoping to sleep around much more before settling down again, one, because it sounds fun and two, because it's a struggle to maintain a serious relationship while processing a divorce, being a landlord, taking care of my cats and house, and taking care of myself.

4. On Mondays, normally I'm at a certain bar enjoying company and dinner while the snuggle bunny broadcasts his radio show live from there. This past Monday was a fund-raising benefit for a local bartender who's apartment burned down and she lost everything. Very sad and something I would normally support, but all of the notices regarding her troubles included that she was pregnant. Instead of being "a little nicer" I stayed home because I knew there would be so much ooowing and awwing over her pregnancy and I can't be around that right now. How is it possible that over two years later I still have issues with this?

5. My 35th birthday is in a week. This is the big one. This is the age that my mother and maternal grandmother entered premature ovarian failure. And lets take a look at my track record regarding reproduction - oh yeah, it is dismal and heartbreaking. And how is trying for a subsequent baby going? Oh right, my husband bailed (tho this is a good thing overall) and I'm back on birth control.

6. My sister and her husband announced today that they have found the little boy they will adopt. He is Korean and ADORABLE! I am so very happy for them and they truly deserve this. But for some reason I thought they would be adopting a girl. So I got the "It's a boy" announcement. And for another example of not being "a little nicer" I wonder, why does everyone around me get baby boys? Why not some little girls so that I'm not watching the growth of other boys and aching to see my own lost son to grow up?

7. Last nights dream involved the option to move to Spain for super career opportunities, however what about my snuggle bunny? In waking hours I'm thinking more about donor sperm and single motherhood - what about my snuggle bunny?

8. 30 minutes ago, in a continuation of last nights relationship talk and because I'm now an emotional wreck, I called to tell SB that I needed a break. Knowing that something "serious" was ahead he spoke first and told me that he loved me. I still told him that I needed a break.

9. I'm waiting for a call back from my Ob/gyn office to see if I can get the AMH test. Even though the results are difficult to determine in regards to actual ovarian reserve my impression is that the test results can tell you if you are in deep shit right now.

It's too much. Thankfully I'm becoming numb.

The wise Ya Chun has spoken and I agree - that is a lame quote. I've been plenty nice for many years; tons of forgiving, tons of glossing over, tons of covering other people's asses. Maybe in a few years I'll come around and try to be nice like Sara :)