Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Prelude to divorce

It is taking a very long time to get the divorce papers filed. I knew divorce would be the outcome of our story way back in late November 2008; people must be wondering when it will actually happen.

It's very complicated though. Without closure from him - the one calling the shots regarding the dissolution of our marriage - closure must come without knowing what he was thinking. All I have to work with is what I am thinking, and there have been thousands of thoughts, emotions, and memories to sort through.

Ah, here, this scrap of anguish over not being kind enough, and this bite of rejection from being much too demanding, this slimy tidbit of hope that we would eventually understand each other - all of it must be pried form a heart that is scorched and scarred. Blackened bits of memories of when we worked; glowing embers of self-hate still being fueled by breath that whispers "you let him take so much, how could you ignore the glaring signs that he would ultimately hurt you beyond imagination?"

Everyday is a step away from the flames and being passive and being so used to being unheard that I had long stopped saying anything mattered.


Someday, in the bathroom mirror of the home I own by myself, my reflection will square her shoulders and stand up straight and say the words "I respect you for giving your marriage every opportunity to survive. You left no stone unturned, you forgave, forgot, moved on, and remained faithful and loyal. You will never have to wonder 'what if I had only tried more?'".


Filing the paper will be like stepping off the curb to cross the street. I've been walking from the wreckage of "our" life, stepping through the threshold of our family home, closing the door, crossing the lawn ... in the early days gaining very little distance per day and looking back over and over, but lately picking up speed. Each sidewalk square holds a memory or old wish that must be traveled through. "Goodbye" things I thought we enjoyed doing together, "goodbye" extended family, "goodbye" private jokes. Each of our future plans must be sifted through to see which ones are still hopes for my future. Saying goodbye to a genetic sibling of Toren has not been easy. I don't have Toren here and I won't even get someone that looks like him. There will be no individually loved model to even give me a glimpse of what he would have looked like as he aged; no soft, blond, curly hair to stroke and smell to fill, even if only for a minute, some part of the hole that misses him so much.



Across the street my car is packed and the engine is running. The deadbaby mama mobile is sleek and fast and has no room for unwanted passengers. It's within sight, just there across the street, my car is packed with only what I want to keep, waiting for a driver with a new license stating her new name, waiting for someone to steer.

12 comments:

myskytimes said...

The "what if" has been rumbling in my head, too but eventually I don't think I could have done more. In an ailing marriage there's work needed from both sides and I couldn't have put a gun to his head to force him to make an effort. I too had to say good-bye without understanding, without a peaceful ending with him. It was just over. Every attempt of mine for understanding and compassion was used for more mindfuck.

And the wait… Oh yes! My divorce nearly took 1,5 years, even without a house and child support. But after all that tedious wait…. suddenly it happened very quickly. I hope it'll go equally fast on your side and that you'll be able to have the sleek car steered by the person which you know you can trust 100%: yourself.

Cross my fingers for the final stretch!

niobe said...

I've been there. And I'm thinking of you.

CLC said...

Very insightful post. I admire your courage and tenacity.

m said...

Hoping the someday when you will have that conversation with your reflection happens soon, sooner than you expect.

In the meantime, wishing you well and clearing the way for you to your sleek dbm mobile.

debbie said...

What a beautiful post Anna. I love the curb metaphor and totally get it. What a great way to put into words all that you have been processing. And you are right, one day you will be so proud of yourself for working so hard, and even more importantly, so sure. You will benefit. Sadly, he will not.

As far as Toren's look alike sibling. I absolutely disagree. My dear friends half brother looks exactly like her, while her 100% biological brothers don't. Allow yourself to dream.

Catherine W said...

I hope that someday is soon too and that you can obtain some peace from knowing that you did everything you could, that you left no stone unturned. You know that you gave it your all. It takes a brave person to do that.
Thinking of you as you step off that curb. x

angelseashore said...

You are brave and courageous.. with goodbyes come hellos. I hope that you will find the hellos that you are loooking for as you move forward with your life.

You did all you could for Toren and you did the same for your marriage. And now.. you're the new driver waiting to steer the car and your life to new and exciting places.

I'm rooting for you..

angelseashore said...

You are brave and courageous.. with goodbyes come hellos. I hope that you will find the hellos that you are loooking for as you move forward with your life.

You did all you could for Toren and you did the same for your marriage. And now.. you're the new driver waiting to steer the car and your life to new and exciting places.

I'm rooting for you..

WiseGuy said...

It takes a lot of courage to stay afloat going through all this. I don't want to use the word strong (I read through your posts), but I can tell you this much, someday this lady WILL look at HER own mirror and stand tall. She WILL do it.

KuKd Chick said...

Wow, a powerful post, and such difficult stuff you're going through. I wish I had something brilliantly comforting or insightful to say, other than...I just admire your strength and honesty as you navigate your way through what's clearly a most horribly horrible time in life. You're an inspiration to others. Hang in there.

Sophie said...

Thinking of you Anna. xx

Waiting In Sunshine said...

Thinking of you as well...what a gorgeous post Anna. I just want you to be well and HAPPY...

Sunshine
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