Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Friday, February 12, 2010

Friday Photo Challenge

The Steadfast Warrior's Friday photo challenge! This week the theme is "Celebrations"

This photo is titled "Thank you deities for that incident free drive home"

Ok, I know you all up North are buried in snow so I am certainly not complaining about the several inches we got here. But the South doesn't do snow well, for instance today it took me 90 minutes to drive the 10 miles between my office and home. That, of course, is not counting the break I took to pick up some groceries on the way home. The first area of the store visited was the ladies room (since I had just spent 40 minutes driving about 3 miles and did not want to have to sit in slush and traffic for the rest of the drive while having to pee), then the wine section where the bottles above were recommended, then a search for dinner (gluten-free pizza), lastly an apple for a snack since I suspected the rest of the drive home may take a while.

When bad weather is approaching my Mother will call me from across the country to remind me to stock up on bottled water, canned foods, and batteries. She is always prepared and could survive for quite a while on her stockpile of sustenance, thus she is appalled that I have to stop by the store most days to pick up food. She would be proud that I purchased enough groceries to last through the weekend, however she may not agree that stocking up on wine and junk food is the best way to go about that.


Now for a late night ramble.

Do you ever feel like the "bad" one in your family?

It's only been relatively recently that my relationship with my parents moved on from the past and turned into something more honest. I'm not close to my siblings and the path of the past leading to that divide is easy to trace but an adult relationship never evolved. And I don't know if it will because I feel like a bad person compared to some of them. I don't go to church. I spend what little extra money I have on unnecessary things like alcohol, eating out, therapy, and the occasional massage or pedicure. I have a failed marriage. I terminated Toren's life because he wasn't "good enough". I found a new boyfriend and am having plenty of sex with no intention to ever marry again.

Of course I don't know what they actually think so these judgments are simply coming from me. They probably don't think of me at all, just like my husband.

Bland Anna. Invisible Anna.

But don't you sometimes feel like you are being negatively judged because you failed at making living babies or because of a failed marriage or because you made a decision that few people can understand? When I "feel" judged by people who don't matter to me I get pissed and move on but feeling that coming from family members is so very indescribably sad.

I guess I just feel bad right now because I would like to get to know them better but how to go about doing that is a mystery. We are so different and I'm just afraid that they have no desire to get to know me.

Have any of you reconnected with a relative or friend? How did it turn out? Do you have any advice?


Sophie said...

Bland and invisible are NOT words I would use to describe you Anna.

I can't help you with that question. I have kind of the same thing going over here except I am the opposite. I don't get along with my family at all, exept my sister.


Waiting In Sunshine said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your relationship with your family. I hate hearing about fellow IFers who don't get the supprt they NEED and DESERVE from their own families!

It's ok- we're here for you.


Dave said...

Your picture is beautiful and poetic...

Reconnecting is never easy. I have only reconnected once. A friend and I came to an icy end when we moved in together and it didn't work. Time healed that wound. We worked at the same company, and one day we had to have a conversation... in the time of iciness, we had apparently just grown up. We now have one of the closest relationships ever. When my partner freaked out and I came home to a note telling me to disappear, she was the one who came over and helped get me out, and then consoled me with plenty of martinis and a comfortable shoulder.

I don't have any family-specific advice, I'm sorry. Other than saying that time and conversation can help.

Invisible is never a good place to be.

Quiet Dreams said...

I was always the "good one" in my family, never challenged my parents, never rebelled...until I converted to Judaism. Now I'm still a bit unsure of my place in my family, though things have gotten better.

Divorce and no babies...I have had great support from my family re: my divorce, but...

But, there's still a feeling of failure (which likely comes from me). A bigger feeling of not fitting comes from being the only child of my parents to not have any offspring.

I'm not sure I'm one to give advice...I'm still working on all this stuff.

Well, THAT was a novel! I love the photo--putting the bottles in the snow was a very creative idea.

janis said...

I'm loving your photos, they are awesome!
I don't think you are bad, you are just exactly who you are and who you need to be. And the picture of Toren is not morbid. xo

Carly said...

I always know that when I come here I'm feeling what you're feeling. Not that what we experience is neither good nor bad or at all the same but as others have mentioned. You are not at all BAD. I don't know you well, in fact we are mere strangers on opposite sides of the world but I'm walking that path you've walked before me. I find comfort in your words. Know that. :)