Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Saturday, February 28, 2009

This is the first day I've wanted a cigarette in a long time

I don't need to tell y'all how things can always get worse ... I'm not going to get into yesterdays financial "surprise" because I know something will work out and keep me from being totally screwed, and even if nothing works out I'll only be totally screwed temporarily. Anyhoo, all I wanted to do last night was come home to my quiet house, have dinner, light candles, relax, sit with Jizo, and hope for a solution - instead my ex was there. This was the second night he has been home for the evening since telling me how he didn't love me and such, so it doesn't happen very often. I made dinner, offered him some, and ate in my room.

Today is moving day. Not from the house but around in the house.

We bought a 3 bedroom house so that we had a bedroom together, and he had an office, and I had a room to be a girl in. My room is being cleared out so it can be rented out. He is moving his clothes out of the closet in our old room (now just my bedroom) into his office where he has been sleeping.

It's been hard to find a space to feel comfortable in these past few months and I haven't even felt safe and at peace in my girl room. Even though it is no longer a sanctuary it's still surprisingly hard to take it all apart. I won't get it all emptied today but in the near future all of the pictures of victorian women and ballerina's, old pointe shoes, flowers, tiara's, and pretty nicknacks, will be taken down. I know I can put it all in my new room but I'm not sure ...

This has been a week of getting things done that were a long time in coming. A week among months that are about addressing things that have needed to be addressed for a long time.

I know this sounds whiney. I just tend to resist change and all of the going through drawers and moving furniture, is moving me further away from the life I wanted. The ballerina's, dancing shoes, and prettiness would have been easily boxed away to make room for my son. I just never imagined that my sanctuary that was supposed to turn into a nursery (for Toren or a subsequent baby) would become a room for a stranger.

But there you have it. I'm off to move the furniture in my bedroom in the hope that it will feel less like "our" space and become "my" space.

Thanks for listening.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

In a rare moment of not moping around

I have joined my local SHARE team for the March of Dimes walk!!!!

This is really embarrassing, but the walk is 5.2 miles long and I'm so out of shape that I'm concerned about that distance. So I guess training starts immediately!

This is weird, I'm hitting up all of my family and friends because I want them to sponsor me and I feel so shy about it. I can tell you all anything but with the real life people who care about me I'm supposed to be doing well, and be happy and stable, and that means no talking about deadbabies. They really do care about me but I think they think of me as never having been pregnant. It's weird to keep quiet about something, someone!, who is on my mind so frequently.

Wish me luck in sending out the e-mails and getting into shape!

edit: Oh my goodness, there are already 2 donations totaling $20, and it's only been about 2 hours! I almost cried with each one! I'm on my way to the goal!!!

Friday, February 20, 2009

All is well

... at least in some places. I am not happy because this weekend I'll be digging deeper into my finances and listing pro's and con's of some difficult options.

Anywho, the baby from the last post was born safe and sound Tuesday night (sigh of relief!).

Why I need to read about fetal mortality rates I'll never understand but this blurb was bothersome, only because it starts at 20 weeks. My son was born 1 hour and 25 minutes before the magic cutpoint of 20 weeks where the little ones start to "exist" to more people (like researchers). Not like he would have been counted as a fetal death or stillbirth in any traditional sense since it was not spontaneous. But I have also have a problem with stillbirth research and the issue of termination. Stillbirths with certain fatal and serious conditions will be underestimated because some will be terminated prior to a spontaneous death. Of course I tried to discuss this with the stillbirth research group in my building soon after my pregnancy ended but got too teary eyed to speak rationally. And spontaneous late losses need to be studied too.

I'm just ranting. Rather incoherently at that. When are things going to improve? Do you know things have gotten so strange that I am now able to start a co-pay tab at my therapists office. I'm out of money but I guess they don't want to see me not having therapy so I can pay it later. I have stopped drinking, but an out of control bar tab sounds much more exciting and glamorous than a huge therapy tab!

I hope the sun is shining on you all!

Thursday, February 19, 2009

A stressful moment at work and I decide to close my office door and have lunch while hiding from the world. You would not believe the number of people who knocked needing something, hoping I was actually in! Listen world, I could use some quiet time.

Concentration is hard to come by. My counterpart at work started maternity leave Tuesday; an e-mail arrived from her husband that she was being induced that afternoon. And that was the last message sent. People from all around the building keep calling and e-mailing me asking if she has had the baby; I get multiple inquiries per day from the same people - like I would neglect to tell everyone the moment I heard any news about the baby! Of course it's stressful and heartbreaking to be the person who will share the news of a safe delivery and healthy baby with cheerful and expectant coworkers. I'll get to hear how happy everyone is for her and her husband and that will be compared to the silence one gets after delivering a deadbaby. Of course I'm happy for her, it's just that life has become so complicated.

So I'm anticipating the birth announcement in an e-mail, knowing it will sting, but also becoming more anxious by the hour from not hearing any news. Perhaps the e-mail was sent to someone else, perhaps the induction is taking a long time (mine took 3 days), perhaps they are so blissed out with the baby they forgot to e-mail work (I hope that's the reason!). But what is one other reason why you would be in no hurry to tell the world about your new son?

My prayer for her: Please don't come to deadbaby land.

Monday, February 16, 2009

First glimpse of Spring

This little patch of white crocus has been blooming ever since I moved into my house. They are planted in the weirdest spot, but I don't want to move them. They just sprout up every year unexpectedly in an unexpected location.

After wishing for Springtime gardening all winter the crocus are welcomed but they are also a reminder that the world keeps on turning, time keeps moving forward, and I'm still rather stuck. I promise I have not been just sitting around passively waiting for the depression to lift, and the things I'm doing are working, it just takes a long time.

I haven't been writing because I didn't want to keep rehashing everything - everyone knows I miss the baby, everyone knows I'm heartbroken, rejected, and unhappily single, mostly everyone knows that I am broke and struggling to support my household on 1/3 of the previous household income. I'm getting embarrassed by this long string of misfortune. People must be wondering what I'm doing wrong to have found myself with this much loss.

And I have been avoiding telling you all about the dog. Given the lack of photos and stories of puppy cuteness do I really need to say that I returned the dog? After only 4 days. She had some behavioral issues and my vet suggested that the dog would do better with a more experienced dog owner and I would do better with a young puppy who hadn't learned bad habits yet. So that attempt at good news ended in tears and lots of carpet cleaning.

My birthday and Valentines day passed with incident and tears. Work has been incredibly busy, which is wonderful except that too much stress and lack of rest has resulted in me being sick for the past 2.5 weeks. One thing after another. Today laryngitis started.

Ugh, I can't even think today so no more writing for today!