Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Friday, February 20, 2009

All is well

... at least in some places. I am not happy because this weekend I'll be digging deeper into my finances and listing pro's and con's of some difficult options.

Anywho, the baby from the last post was born safe and sound Tuesday night (sigh of relief!).

Why I need to read about fetal mortality rates I'll never understand but this blurb was bothersome, only because it starts at 20 weeks. My son was born 1 hour and 25 minutes before the magic cutpoint of 20 weeks where the little ones start to "exist" to more people (like researchers). Not like he would have been counted as a fetal death or stillbirth in any traditional sense since it was not spontaneous. But I have also have a problem with stillbirth research and the issue of termination. Stillbirths with certain fatal and serious conditions will be underestimated because some will be terminated prior to a spontaneous death. Of course I tried to discuss this with the stillbirth research group in my building soon after my pregnancy ended but got too teary eyed to speak rationally. And spontaneous late losses need to be studied too.

I'm just ranting. Rather incoherently at that. When are things going to improve? Do you know things have gotten so strange that I am now able to start a co-pay tab at my therapists office. I'm out of money but I guess they don't want to see me not having therapy so I can pay it later. I have stopped drinking, but an out of control bar tab sounds much more exciting and glamorous than a huge therapy tab!

I hope the sun is shining on you all!


Meg said...

I'm very happy for you and proud of you that you've stopped drinking.

And I'm so glad the baby was born healthy! Good news.

I hope the sun shines on you, too!

1,000 Faces of MotherHenna said...

Anna, lots of supportive vibes to you! The whole system of research and data gathering about pregnancies, births, outcomes is just screwed up. The same frustrations you have about Toren not being counted because of a random cut off date or procedure of his birth -- I have those frustrations, too, about our son's stillbirth and they way they count(don't) him.

The thing seems to be that they all want to ignore any of us who have given birth without a live outcome. Period. Data gathering, researching, timelines, documentation... if the birth does not fit the "successful" or other random definition, then they don't want to see us. I have never understood how the random system of "fetal" death certificates works either -- how exactly is there a death if they don't count any birth happening?

And it seems to me that when I talk in the world about this stuff, people want to pigeon hole me as either "religious" or "feminist". But I think both extremes miss the point. It is all about freedom of choice -- not just the faux choice agenda of abortion issues -- but the freedom of all of us to choose. Mothers like us, we *chose* to be pregnant, we chose to have a baby, we planned for our children. My son was born in the OR with a csection -- that's not spontaneous either -- but that procedure doesn't change the fact that that was the birth of my child. Just like your birth with Toren -- regardless of outcome or process of birth, we gave birth and love our children. But somehow our choices are ignored, not counted, cut off by some random pick of the number of days or weeks.

Anyway, all that babble just to say, that though the details of our son's death vary from the details of your son's death, I think all bereaved parents struggle with the silence, the invisibility that seems imposed upon us. Just wanted you to know I *see* you and your son and you are not alone. And my whole heart to you for even having to think about these things. It sucks.

Wanted also to congrats you on sobriety -- I'm sober since April 1997 myself -- and know what you mean about how the therapy tab seems so much less glamorous than a bar tab -- but it's worth millions to be present and actually feeling my life now. So here's cheers (with sparkling apple juice) to you as you are feeling your life, too.

Oh, and wanted to say your Jizo in the garden is beautiful! Have you been to a Jizo garden at any of the monasteries? There is one down near Portland that I keep hoping to get to one day...

Thinking of you!
-Kara (aka mother henna)