I don't need to tell y'all how things can always get worse ... I'm not going to get into yesterdays financial "surprise" because I know something will work out and keep me from being totally screwed, and even if nothing works out I'll only be totally screwed temporarily. Anyhoo, all I wanted to do last night was come home to my quiet house, have dinner, light candles, relax, sit with Jizo, and hope for a solution - instead my ex was there. This was the second night he has been home for the evening since telling me how he didn't love me and such, so it doesn't happen very often. I made dinner, offered him some, and ate in my room.
Today is moving day. Not from the house but around in the house.
We bought a 3 bedroom house so that we had a bedroom together, and he had an office, and I had a room to be a girl in. My room is being cleared out so it can be rented out. He is moving his clothes out of the closet in our old room (now just my bedroom) into his office where he has been sleeping.
It's been hard to find a space to feel comfortable in these past few months and I haven't even felt safe and at peace in my girl room. Even though it is no longer a sanctuary it's still surprisingly hard to take it all apart. I won't get it all emptied today but in the near future all of the pictures of victorian women and ballerina's, old pointe shoes, flowers, tiara's, and pretty nicknacks, will be taken down. I know I can put it all in my new room but I'm not sure ...
This has been a week of getting things done that were a long time in coming. A week among months that are about addressing things that have needed to be addressed for a long time.
I know this sounds whiney. I just tend to resist change and all of the going through drawers and moving furniture, is moving me further away from the life I wanted. The ballerina's, dancing shoes, and prettiness would have been easily boxed away to make room for my son. I just never imagined that my sanctuary that was supposed to turn into a nursery (for Toren or a subsequent baby) would become a room for a stranger.
But there you have it. I'm off to move the furniture in my bedroom in the hope that it will feel less like "our" space and become "my" space.
Thanks for listening.