Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Monday, February 16, 2009

First glimpse of Spring

This little patch of white crocus has been blooming ever since I moved into my house. They are planted in the weirdest spot, but I don't want to move them. They just sprout up every year unexpectedly in an unexpected location.

After wishing for Springtime gardening all winter the crocus are welcomed but they are also a reminder that the world keeps on turning, time keeps moving forward, and I'm still rather stuck. I promise I have not been just sitting around passively waiting for the depression to lift, and the things I'm doing are working, it just takes a long time.

I haven't been writing because I didn't want to keep rehashing everything - everyone knows I miss the baby, everyone knows I'm heartbroken, rejected, and unhappily single, mostly everyone knows that I am broke and struggling to support my household on 1/3 of the previous household income. I'm getting embarrassed by this long string of misfortune. People must be wondering what I'm doing wrong to have found myself with this much loss.

And I have been avoiding telling you all about the dog. Given the lack of photos and stories of puppy cuteness do I really need to say that I returned the dog? After only 4 days. She had some behavioral issues and my vet suggested that the dog would do better with a more experienced dog owner and I would do better with a young puppy who hadn't learned bad habits yet. So that attempt at good news ended in tears and lots of carpet cleaning.

My birthday and Valentines day passed with incident and tears. Work has been incredibly busy, which is wonderful except that too much stress and lack of rest has resulted in me being sick for the past 2.5 weeks. One thing after another. Today laryngitis started.

Ugh, I can't even think today so no more writing for today!


Sara said...

Oh Anna, we're all pulling for you! Your luck has to change.

And you did the right thing for that dog, for you and her. But I'm sorry it didn't work out all the same.

Meg said...

Don't worry about the dog. I'm sorry you had to go through that. She'll be ok. Another family in another part of life will be able to handle her issues and she'll be ok. Just do what you need to do to feel better. If not having the dog anymore alleviated even a little stress, then it was a good move. Just to let you know, I did the same thing a few months ago. We got a puppy this past Sept and I was going through some depression and couldn't deal with everything. So, we gave her back. It was a hard decision, but sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do. I understand.

We're not sick of hearing your news. Even if it seems repetitive. We're here for you! Don't be embarrassed about anything. It's got to get better for you and I'll hold the hope for you right now if you can't.

Sophie said...

Good to hear from you Anna. I've been wondering how you were. :)

I don't mind hearing you repeat yourself about your loss. We all do that too. Does writing about it help? Does hearing other people sending you their thoughts and well wishes help in anyway? It helps me. A lot. If you feel better having written, then please write.

I'm not sitting here thinking that there is something wrong with you. I am wishing there was way I could make it better.

The dog was a huge responsibility. No one's gonna judge you about that. You made the best decision you could. Dogs are hard work.

Have you considered getting a kitten or two? I got my two cats as kittens (they are sisters) They were hilarious when they were younger.

Rest up. I hope you are feeling better soon. I hate laryngitus. :(

Ya Chun said...

Anna, I have been wondering about you (I guess I should really start emailing people, but I figure if they are not posting they are taking a break from the blog world).

You might think that you sound like a broken record, but you don't. Please, work through what you need to here if it helps. ever feel like we won't listen (er, read).

Take care of yourself. Don't let work overwhelm you. And a belated Birthday wish of peace for you.

Yes, it does take time. And patience. I am glad things are helping. ((hugs))

Zil said...

Oh my - You are due some good fortune and I so wish I could bestow it upon you.

Don't ever feel bad about sharing your memories or feelings here. That's what blogs are for.

Hugs and peace to you.