Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Friday, May 24, 2013

I remember the afterglow that you get the day after a night of romance - you know, a little spring to your step!  We didn't get home until after 11pm last night and then SB had some things to do before bed but cervical mucus said it was time so we did something just a step above going through the motions.


Advice is welcome.  I know this is just one late night encounter with two tired people but it felt forced (because it was...) and it turns out I feel something opposite of contented and loved after such encounters.


And I don't even have hope that the baby dance will be fruitful, which kind of makes it even more pathetic.  It feels like I just made us stay up too late to do something that neither one of us were that into at that moment, for no reason.  Anyway, SB is a terrific sport and is always ready to help out, even when I can tell that he really would prefer to go to sleep.  And it's not a bad problem to have - "oh dear, we must have sex right away!" and I'm so lucky to have a partner, let alone one who is kind and recognizes when something is important to me.

This also means that near the end of the two week wait I'll start getting excited AGAIN and feeling certain that I'm experiencing pregnancy symptoms instead of boring old PMS, only to be disappointed AGAIN.


I am starting to get visions of wigs and fedoras and "chance" meetings at mysterious bars that end with anonymous sex with a "stranger".  I hope SB is up for some role playing to get us through infertility!

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

5 year blogversary!

Ok, today has been frustrating in minor ways so it's a good time for a post about exciting news.  Where I live, getting a name change involves having the proposed change published for 4 weeks, so first you wait for a letter saying that the publication has begun and at the end you get a letter saying that it's all over and you take that second letter back to the court house and schedule a court date.  I've been watching the mail for the first letter and it has arrived along with the page from the paper that has my little notice :)  Everything is spelled correctly, so that is good!

Reading through the other notices is completely adorable.  Most are changes of last names or "Americanizing" first names.  Most of the time there are parts of the old name that remain (including mine) but there are a couple where a complete overhaul is happening!  I do wonder what is behind the name changes of those who are printed in the paper; everyone has a story and even though the steps of a name change are pretty simple, there's a lot of work to be done with notifying everyone and changing information EVERYWHERE.  While the cost is not out of the realm of possibility, I had to save up for it for a long time to make sure I could still afford to change all of my info after paying the court fees (a new drivers license, work ID, checks and bank card, etc, are not expensive on their own but it adds up when you do it all at the same time).  I think it's hard enough that most people don't just wake up one day and just file the paperwork without doing any preparation.  One person is changing from "Jerry Dean" to "Geraldine" and there could have been quite a lot of work that went along with that name change!

I'm so excited for all of them and I hope they are as happy with their changes as I am with mine!  I'm going to post the page on the refrigerator :)


My first blog post was on this date 5 years ago.  It is so wonderful to have moved through and beyond the things that happened.  Toren's death still has me shredded, but that was just one part of it all; I didn't know that was the start of losing everything that was important to me.  Divorce was brutal but I'm so glad to not be in that marriage anymore!  It feels like I dodged a bullet (you know, aside from the whole part where I'm still in therapy from being in that relationship for over a decade and he has been difficult to set boundaries with).  Losing the house was embarrassing, but I do prefer living in this little house and it's wonderful to not worry about expensive repairs.  My career is still directionless and I don't know if I'll ever be able to return to reproductive health research, but I'm doing well trying out different topics and even getting some publications.  I have a great boyfriend and am in a relationship where we sometimes get mad at each other but overall we have a good time together and, very importantly, I feel cared for.

I guess, if I had known five years ago what else was coming up I would have been very discouraged (to put it mildly).  If I had known what was coming I wouldn't have even tried living through it because I wasn't strong enough, but I am now.

A lot of the blog authors who were writing when this blog began have moved on and I've wondered what to do with this blog, especially since I don't write or interact with other bloggers often.  It still feels like an unfinished journey though so it's staying up and public, however, very soon I'll be taking down posts discussing struggles with my current relationship because my boyfriend and I have started a health blog and I think I'll put a link here, which means SnuggleBunny is about to lose his anonymity!

Anyway, here's a song I'm liking lately.

Monday, May 13, 2013

This gets filed under "you can't make this stuff up".  I did end up calling my doctor's office on Friday because the bleeding was starting to get heavier and learned that sometimes an HSG can trigger early menstrual bleeding (which was indeed confirmed over the weekend) and to call back on Tuesday.  So today is CD4, after an 18 day cycle.  I doubt there has been enough time to see much difference in the size of the cysts (it feels like the big one is still there) and I seriously doubt my hormone levels will make any sense after that short of a cycle.  I'll give the office a call tomorrow but I think the repeat of the CD3 tests have been pushed back another month.

You know, my uterus behaves pretty normally EXCEPT when anyone pays attention to it.  Maybe it's lucky that specialists are looking at it right now - maybe the menstrual irregularities would have happened anyway and maybe the cysts will need attention when I wouldn't have known about them without the infertility testing. 

I'm trying not to feel defeated.

That being said, Saturday was kind of rough.  Regardless of the wonky hormone levels and cysts, I was still hoping that a healthy egg was released and that those open tubes encouraged fertilization and a safe journey to a ready uterus (even though I was concerned about there not being much of a lining with the post-HSG bleeding).  Any far-fetched conception is surely washed away now.  On Saturday I took it easy and did some self-care by taking a long nap and riding roller coasters in the evening to get out some screams.

Sunday was filled with plans of yoga class, meeting up with friends at a festival and visiting with SnuggleBunny's mom - plenty of fun things.  Then I was bleeding too heavily for yoga and it started to feel like there was just so much to do - that the house was too messy, that bills were late, that there was grocery shopping to do, a new diet and fitness plan to prepare for, potential work changes... it felt like everything was a disaster and that I was failing at every part of life. 

My washing machine is sort of my arch nemesis.  It is perpetually off balance and will start hopping around, banging against the walls and floor with this loud THU THUNK THU THUNK THU THUNK and not only does it make you feel like losing your mind from the noise, if you don't balance out the laundry (sometimes I have to remove items and spin things in small batches) the clothes will be dripping wet at the end so you have to spin it again anyway.  So there I was, feeling like everything was a mess, and walking to the laundry room, adjusting the clothes, going back to getting dressed, then a minute later the thumping starts again, and on my third trip to the washer (with SnuggleBunny following saying that he would take care of it, because we trade off when it gets too frustrating) it all felt like too much and SnuggleBunny entered the laundry room just as I was pounding on the washer lid screaming "FUUUUUUUCK!".

We canceled most of our plans and went directly to the wonderful appliance store (all used and refurbished items) where we got our amazing dryer from last year.  The new-to-us washer will be delivered on Thursday (and the old one will be taken away for them to repair and sell/use for parts/deal with).  Then to address achy backs from our old mattress I bought a thick, foam mattress pad to ease some pain while we save up for a new mattress.  SB is quite astute and later said that he didn't think the washer was the real problem and we talked about it, and laughed about it, and now we have a ridiculous story about the time I physically assaulted a washing machine. 

SB knows how to calm me down and make me feel like I am heard and that I matter.  I was so relaxed by evening time that when I called my Mom for Mother's Day her comments didn't sting so bad.  And I finally realized that she is kinder when I have no good news, but this time I told her about buying some new stuff for the house and the upcoming positive changes career wise before talking about the latest with the infertility testing.  She is incessantly very broke (part of it is unfortunate circumstances and part is not taking action to get out of her situation) and hates her job; she told me about how her ovarian cyst grew bigger instead of shrinking and surgery was required and her whole ovary was removed and the call ended with her telling me that maybe next year I will be a mother for Mother's Day.  Maybe she wouldn't have said those things if I hadn't talked about my new washing machine.

Anyway, the new mattress pad is amazing!  And please feel free to bring over your laundry once the new machine arrives ;)

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

This morning I missed the train by 30 seconds.  Waiting for the train happens most of the time (it's rare to arrive at the platform just when the train does) and it's a good time to read or listen to music, but I still hate watching the train pull away.  It feels like a big deal.  This morning I almost audibly swore and wanted to fling my purse and lunch bag around.  I sat down on a bench in a huff (hey, at least there are available seats when the platform is empty) but then quickly settled into listening to the radio.  When the next train arrived, it pulled up slowly, we all squished on, the doors closed, then nothing happened.  Through the train windows, I could see the platform filling up with new people.  We rolled forward a few yards, then stopped, then slowly forward for a short distance, then stopped again, over and over for the miles until the next station.  I eyed the emergency door release handle with delusions of walking along the track to my stop.

I crave control.


Last week's HSG could not have gone better.  I took 800mg of ibuprofen an hour before the appointment, as recommended.  The nurse was amazing and explained what was going to happen before, during, and after the procedure.  The doctor was very gentle and with a soft voice gave warnings of "some pressure is coming, breathe deeply".  There was a bit of cramping, but nothing like what I was anticipating (not even worse than menstrual cramps - thank you ibuprofen!), and it was over in just a couple of minutes.  Everything looked fine and my tubes are open.  I felt fine afterwards but did feel a little achy later in the afternoon after the ibuprofen wore off and after an eventful trip home (more on that in a second).  Finishing the course of antibiotics sucked and I dragged myself around for the rest of the week trying to look like I felt ok.  I'm still bleeding though and my uterus is grumpy, which makes me worried but since it's not necessarily painful I'll give it another day or so before freaking out.

SB went in for a semen analysis last Friday; we don't have the results yet.  By the way, he has been fantastic about coming with me to my appointments!  He isn't needed there but he is coming along to be supportive and it's really touching.  I'll probably go to the next CD3 one alone because I know what to expect now.  The follow-up appointment with the RE has been postponed until early June so that I can re-do the CD3 tests.  Hopefully the cysts will show signs of improvement.

I feel so strongly about all that is going on that I feel nothing, if that makes any sense.


Here's some exciting news though!  I took the day off from work for the HSG and since I felt fine afterwards I told SB to go ahead and drive to work and I would take transit home.  I got off the train before my stop, went to the courthouse, and FILED MY NAME CHANGE PAPERWORK!  To recap, after my ex-husband left, it took over two years to get him to sign the divorce paperwork.  At that time I could have returned to my maiden name for free, however, I didn't feel maiden-like at all so I decided to wait until I could afford the filing fees to get a different last name.  But I was trying not to lose my house for a couple of years, which ultimately didn't work but now with my fantastically cheap rent I can finally afford the court fees and the many fees involved in changing everything that documents "me" (drivers license, social security, bank stuff, I will keep my birth certificate as it is since that was the name my parents gave their baby, which is too sweet to change).

I've been sort of nameless for over 4 years, not feeling like I "belonged" with my ex-husbands family and not feeling like I still "belonged" to my father's family.  The more I thought about it, the more I hated the idea of females being named as a form of ownership.  Changing to your husbands name seems very romantic at the time but after a marriage ends who are you then?  My ex-husbands family hasn't spoken with me in years - I'm not one with them anymore.  My parents are divorced and have different last names from each other, so the family I was born into isn't as it was (the woman who shares my Dad's last name now is just 13 years older than me, go Dad!).  And my marriage was like a lifetime and at the end of it I was a very different person from the girl who excitedly practiced writing out her future married name.

After my husband left, I asked people to call me the nickname I have used on and off since adolescence (my legal name is often mispronounced which made me so embarrassed when I was a hopelessly shy youngster).  For years and years I would introduce myself as "Anna" and then people picked up on my legal name (ok, it's Deanna... but not for long!) because that is what my husband called me.  After we separated, I dramatically thought that I never wanted to be called the name he used for me again, but I also kind of thought I would settle down and get over that.  However, now my family and friends call me Anna (there are just a few clueless acquaintances who can't seem to remember) and I'm only called Deanna at work or in situations where a legal name is needed, and the name I was never really attached to has started to sound foreign.

What my name would be has received a great deal of thought.  I thought I had it nailed down early in April but it wasn't quite right... and really, all along I suspected that I wouldn't have it fully figured out until I filled out that part of the forms while at the courthouse.  I actually figured it out 9 days earlier and the day I wrote it on the forms I smiled to myself (and every single person around!), totally excited that I was actually going through with it.

It's a pretty fantastic name.  All four parts are completely feminine!  The last name is not popular and has no major attachments (that I can find, especially how it is spelled) to people or places.  It's a little otherworldly, and that, accompanied with a change of my first name, means I'll probably get some questions about it, which I don't look forward to but can handle.  I told SB about it afterwards and he asked what last name I chose but he didn't ask about the entire thing so he doesn't know it yet.  I feel shy about it still and I'm worried that it won't be approved (not for any tangible reasons, just because I want it so badly).  I am not practicing my signature yet.

Most people won't notice since I don't use my legal name for any social purposes anyway and I'm changing to my social first name.  It will be hard to get work colleagues used to it but that can't be harder than getting my parents and siblings to call me by a different name.  It should be about 8 weeks until it's official.

That was way more than I expected to say about that!  Back to the original topic, it took hours to get everything properly filed so by the time I got home (another train ride, a bus ride, and a walk later) I was tired, hungry and dehydrated and spent the remainder of my HSG test day resting :)

Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Update on infertility testing

Have I mentioned that my new therapist is hilarious?  She talks A LOT for a therapist and bosses me around, rather opposite of professionals I've talked with in the past who made me get to the conclusions myself.  It doesn't sound like a good situation but it's working for me and I'm learning so much.  We talk about assertiveness and sometimes I wonder if she's waiting for me to tell her that it's my turn to talk.  This week I was rambling and said that I completely failed with bringing Toren into this world and she stopped me and expressed how she wants me to stop saying things that indicate that I blame myself in a situation where no one is at fault.  She made me rephrase that sentence ("ok, that pregnancy was a complete failure", which satisfied her enough) before we could move on. 

As juvenile as that exercise seemed, I feel better.  I keep looking for a cause or a reason and there are none known.  But that doesn't mean it was my fault and even if I did do something that caused his internal organs not to grow, causing him harm was certainly never my intent.

So I'm not going to tell you that I completely failed with my cycle day 3 lab work and ultrasound...

The sonographer was nice and said she would talk me through what she was viewing on the screen and made a couple of jokes about situations where something surprising is found and things get quiet and the doctor is fetched right away.  I can't remember how she phrased it, but she was funny and cute and relaxed me a little, even while I was thinking about how I am one of those people where a surprise was found via ultrasound and the sonographer stopped talking and the doctor was called right away and that moment was the start down a very sad and life changing path. 

With wand in place, she asked me if I was still bleeding...
Me: "Well yes, but it has stopped for right now.  I think worrying about this test has scared it away."
Tech:  "You also exercise a lot..."
Me:  "You can tell from my uterus?"
Tech:  "I read your chart."
So we had another laugh.  I guess she was saying that exercising could disrupt my cycle.  She asked because there was fluid in my uterus.  Bleeding never did re-commence, which is very unusual for me and I will probably mention it before getting the HSG tomorrow.

Things did turn quiet during the test though and at the end she showed me a few images of my ovaries, each of which has a cyst.  A few hours later I received a call explaining that my lab work came back odd - as in uninterpretable.  Estradiol was 215 (while I don't know the specific reference range for the lab used, a range I found on the internet is 11-212) and FSH was 2.11 (in November FSH was 12.5, I don't think that huge drop is due to taking CoQ10).  On the phone I was told that a cyst can cause odd hormone levels.  I need to repeat all of the CD3 tests next month.

Of course I did some (ill advised) internet research and learned (maybe correctly, who knows!) that a high estradiol value can indicate a cyst, which I know is present, and the estradiol can inhibit FSH, which looks like that is happening.  High estradiol and very low FSH can also indicate ovarian failure, which is also probably happening. 

I'm having the HSG and kept my appointment in early May to discuss the results, even though we will probably just discuss how the cysts are interfering with things and no plan for infertility treatment will be discussed.  SnuggleBunny and I agreed to do all of the testing because even if it turns out to be a waste of time and money at least we would have explored it entirely and will not wonder about what might have happened if only we had done this or that test.  I'm doing these tests not to get a baby but to avoid regrets.

I spoke with my chiropractor, because he listens to me and considers my body as a whole and he did some tests for my adrenals, worrying that they were overtaxed from prolonged stress.  My adrenal glands do seem to be functioning well enough but I'm now taking a new supplement to promote adrenal health anyway since the vitamins won't hurt anything and it makes me feel like I'm doing SOMETHING other than just waiting to see what the cysts do over the next month.

I guess *I* didn't fail the CD3 tests... but they all need to be re-done.  Instead of getting closer to answers something unexpected was discovered which needs to be addressed first.  It is frustrating.

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

I told my mom that I was having more fertility testing done and she was very surprised and pleased.  She thinks I'm having a baby.  She said something interesting though, that she didn't know that I wanted to have a child.  For me, it's been YEARS of waiting (that whole divorce and find a new partner bit) and trying, and YEARS of disappointment and worry and feeling sad.  Apparently I make it look easy!  So to her it probably feels like we haven't even tried at all yet, so certainly there will be a baby with just a little bit of effort.  To me it feels like the road is narrowing and just around the bend it may stop completely.

I never told her that I changed my mind about having children (since I didn't) and she never asked about it, through years and years.  We don't talk very often though and I have only visited her 3 times in the past 6 years.  Not a word has been breathed to anyone else in my family.  I guess I want fewer witnesses to this potential failure.  I guess I didn't feel very supported by them concerning Toren.  My family members would always donate to my March for Babies fundraising but never asked about it after I stopped doing the walk.  They probably think I'm "over it" when what I'm over is feeling miserable walking along with all of the people and their rainbow babies while wondering where mine is.

Anyway... it's nice to know that SnuggleBunny and my mom feel positive about how these upcoming appointments will turn out.  I'm very nervous and upset and have hardly been able to focus on anything for two weeks, which shows. 

Here's a list of things I'm thankful for during this time:
* People being positive for me
* Roller coasters (weather permitting, I'll be going back to the amusement park this weekend for more screaming)
* Gardens
* Budding irises 
* Birds building nests and singing, singing, singing!
* Dinner with girlfriends
* Cooking, cramming as many vegetables into meals as I can
* Eating by candle light, in the dining room and out on the patio 
* Pregnancy safe skin treatments that are showing great potential (until this lousy PMS breakout anyway)
* And even ridiculous ex-husbands for providing distractions and stories to laugh over with girlfriends

CD3 will probably be on Monday so more information about if I'm producing any eggs is less than a week away.

Monday, April 8, 2013

That last post was not nice and I want to clarify that I'm not making fun of her.  If you want to show off your rose garden, go for it!  The funny part is just that I so desperately want to have no contact with my ex-husband but it got to the point where I wondered if NOT avoiding him and NOT ignoring his attempts at "friendship" would be get me closer to closure.  I'm trying out not being unfriendly (which is different from friendly). 

And then I get invited to his girlfriend's vajayjay's birthday party.

What is an appropriate gift?


There is no way for him not to annoy me.  There's too much history and too much hurt.


So today I laughed at myself and at this absurd situation and at how much of a prude I am sometimes and it was all okay.

Then I was in a rush to have dinner with friends and quickly showered at the gym after squeezing in a workout, reapplied make-up and struggled to look presentable with flaky skin from acne medication AND new breakouts and suddenly it all felt like my fault again - I was never fun and confident enough to do a panty-free photo shoot so my marriage ended.  It often feels like I was left because I wasn't adventurous enough.  Even though he creeps me out now and I do not, do not, do not! want any sort of relationship with him, I still feel like tossed out garbage.

I'm working on it.

Post divorce issue

To recap, my ex-husband (who turned out to be one of those creepy, hey-girl-send-me-ur-photo guys online) made things really difficult for me, and moved away (yay!) only to move back (boo!) and I'm sick of avoiding him so we did run into each other and I didn't stab him and now we are friends on face.book.  What could go wrong?  He invited me to his girlfriend's birthday party and the photo on the invite is of her with her legs spread and her unclothed personal areas RIGHT THERE.

OMG make this stop!

I can't stop laughing at how absurd this is.  Pervy nudity doesn't offend me in general, or in this case really, it's just he has a way of turning something cute and sexy into something a little off and cringe worthy.  I am so embarrassed that I was married to him.

Thursday, April 4, 2013

RE appointment

On Monday was my first appointment at a fertility clinic.  Even though I haven't done fertility treatments yet, it still feels like family building has been a long road and I'm so tired.  My hopes were way down after the results from last November (AMH < 0.16, and I don't remember the FSH value but it was not pretty) and since I can't afford anything super expensive right now (like IVF with donor eggs) I was mentally prepared for a conversation about things to try in a year, after I've saved some money and decided which direction to go.  When considering donor eggs versus adoption, I lean towards adoption; I don't see ever being able to afford adoption (or anything else ever again) after failed IVF cycles.  Also my pregnancies have been the opposite of enjoyable experiences and it would be a relief to never even risk going through something like that again.

All of that rambling is to say that I was expecting to hear that I had few options and was prepared to ask for a birth control prescription so at least so other hormonal issues could be corrected (worsening adult acne and headaches).  However, my doctor said while AMH is a marker for ovarian reserve she has seen cases where it wasn't as bad as the lab values looked.  So we are doing more testing and the plan goes like this:

1.  Day 3 ultrasound to count follicles plus another hormone panel for me, and a semen analysis for SB.  If it looks like there are some eggs and sperm to work with then...

2.  HSG to make sure there are no problems there before trying any treatments, and the chances of conception can be increased for several months following a HSG.  My doctor described it as "crampy" and doctors always downplay how much things hurt so I'm not doing this test unless it looks like fallopian tubes will be useful in our situation.

3.  Follow-up appointment in early May to figure out what we are going to do.

It took a day for the post-appointment grumpiness (I'm so ready to get out of family building limbo) to turn into a more positive feeling.  Now I'm just swinging back and forth between being excited to have a baby (ha!), and frustration because I'd like to know what future to prepare for, and sorrow because there's the potential for more heartbreak.

I don't see a baby coming out of this but I'm doing everything asked of me by cutting out all caffeine and NSAIDS (did you know a bit of inflammation is necessary for the egg to pop out of the follicle and anti-inflammatory meds can inhibit that?), keeping up with vitamins and supplements (added an omega-3), and seeing my dermatologist to see if there's a non-retinoid medication that could help me.  And instead of being angry with my body I'm taking time every day to relax and do something enjoyable (lots of yoga and kickboxing!) - I am going to be good to myself through this stressful time!


I'm meeting with my therapist later today and even though I chose her because one of her specialties is PTSD treatment it's still hard to talk about pregnancy with her.  It's weird.  It's so hard to talk about pregnancy or Toren with anyone outside of here.

Friday, March 29, 2013

It was just an estimate made early in pregnancy of when he (before he was known to be a boy!) was to be born, but it's all I have to be able to say that around this day he would have turned five.  FIVE!  In a parallel life, we would be preparing for starting kindergarten in the coming fall.  I really enjoy kids around this age, when they are adorably expressive and still like to cuddle.

I went to work yesterday for the first time since March 28 became an anniversary.  My mom is proud of me and thinks it's a sign of healing.  I'm not so sure.  What if I'm healed AND elect to not treat days that were (are?) about Toren as if they were just an ordinary day? 

Every day is a day of silently missing Toren. 

Having tried it, I don't think I will take the day off next year.  With work, there wasn't time to visit the cemetery yesterday (or today, or tomorrow).  There wasn't space to reflect. 

Monday, March 25, 2013

My ex-husband spells Toren's name differently than I do.  Torin.

I didn't correct him because it doesn't matter, does it?  There are the small monuments I have with his name - a brick in the cemetery where his ashes are buried, an identical brick in a different cemetery where my local SHARE group has a memorial garden, and a third identical brick in my garden (yes, I had three made!) - but there aren't legal documents or anything where Toren's name was written.  His name is all over in this journal and all through my personal writings.  It's been written in the sand on multiple beaches by multiple, loving people.  It's been printed on t-shirts for the March for Babies.  It's stamped into a silver pendant which I still wear most days.  TOREN.


Toren was born and my husband was not interested in naming him - he gave the restriction that I couldn't give him the family name that he was always going to have (he was going to the fifth, plus have a nickname like his father and grandfather had had) so I named him the nickname that was my favorite at that time.  His father took away his name to be used later for a living baby.  So it's not like we had a discussion and agreed upon a name and spelling.


His father began his grief late.  After Toren's name had been written here, spoken at support meetings that I attended alone, and carved out in permanent and transient mediums - after leaving me behind to remember Toren alone, my ex now visits the cemetery.  I guess he didn't see the brick.

Toren is mine and Torin is his and it doesn't really matter because the boy is not here.


A long time ago I decided, or discovered, that my job as Toren's mother is to love him endlessly, because that is what his soul needs.

It's good that his father is also remembering and loving him, in his own way.

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Cessation of the saga

... that is what I'm hoping for. 

Not very long ago at all I wrote about my ex-husband moving away and practically as soon as those thoughts of surprising sadness were expressed I began to gleefully enjoy his absence.  It was so nice to not worry about running into him and to not feel angry when friends (not really friends of mine anymore) invited us both to parties.  It kind of felt like I was getting a well deserved lucky break - like finally that incredibly long and sad story was taking a turn down a hopeful and less stressful path. 

Back when he moved and the regret over not understanding who he really was was clashing with the relief of having him far away, I was sort of worried that there wasn't a complete break between us and that one day we would run into each other again.  I imagined it would probably be some chance meeting on the West coast when we both happened to be visiting our respective families at the same time and that so much time would have passed by then that there would be no complicated, residual feelings remaining.  We would be able to casually catch up or just say a greeting and walk away and that would bring complete closure.

That is what I want - complete closure.  I want to remember him and feel nothing.  And not a false, suppressed emotions sort of nothing, but to truly feel that I am happy with how my life is turning out and that I'm so busy with wonderful thoughts that there's simply not room for negative thoughts related to him.  It takes time though and specifically it takes time without him disrupting my life.  That is what a lot of my old friends did not understand.  Even though he left in November of 2008 he has subtly hassled me since then and it has been really hard to get back on my feet financially and emotionally because of some of the things he has done.  The two year anniversary of our divorce is next month and one would think that would be sufficient time to get over it but just last week I spoke to a debt collector about the one measly bill he got in the divorce settlement which he does not pay.  We took out that loan together, while married, and creditors don't care who gets what bill in a divorce.  They were going to try to contact him again but if they can't get him to respond I'll probably start paying on the bill, not because I just can't figure out what to do with all of this extra money I have sitting around (HA!) but because this lingering connection to him is wearing me out and inhibiting my goal of improving my credit. 

In therapy I'm working on boundaries and being assertive and it's hard to see how this situation fits into that.  If I cave in and pay his bill I'm not being assertive but if I continue to let the behavior of someone else negatively impact me I continue to be a victim.  So damn.

How long does it take to get to feeling peace concerning someone who has hurt you badly?  And is there a crash course because it appears that he has just moved back here.  What if I can't promise graceful composure yet?

Friday, January 11, 2013

Normal stress

Maybe, from what has been written here before, someone could tell that I didn't feel like my ex-husband was very nice to me and I'm glad to be out of that marriage (even though I entered separation with reluctance).  And you can probably tell that I like my boyfriend and we are in a serious relationship but I have had concerns regarding his financial instability.


There is so much that could have been said over the past month plus about how I feel about being referred to a reproductive clinic - I'm all over the place, at times frustrated, sad, at peace, determined.  No action has been taken yet though.  SnuggleBunny is all on board with being positive and finding a way for us to have a family and he hasn't made me feel bad for being too old to conceive a baby, so that's nice.  However, he also hasn't had his semen analysis done.  I was able to get an appointment with the highest rated clinic in my area (maybe more on my concerns about where to go later) but without his test done I thought it would kind of be a waste of time so I postponed the visit.  The next available date was April 1, which I took, and already I feel like the fool in this situation.

Am I being dumb for insisting that he show initiative and make an appointment and PAY FOR his own test?  He would be a good father in a lot of ways, just like he is a good partner in so many ways, and he has said that having children is something that he really wants.  But words are not translating into actions.  I know the only barrier he has regarding the test is paying for it.  I'm barely getting back on my feet financially and I'm sick of paying for more than my share of the bills.  I know I'll be paying for our infertility treatment since it will be my body involved.  I'd be paying for any medical bills if I get pregnant and I'd probably pay for child related expenses, plus the bills I already pay.  And then there is the incredibly selfish fear that I'd have to increase my work hours while SB stays home with the baby - which is preferable to expensive childcare and good for the kid, right?

That is a lot more than I expected to write.


Yesterday I went to a short seminar on avoiding stress through a health expo at work.  I went on a whim - no, I went because I followed intuition.  Because I've been through STRESS and the stuff that's going on now feels very miniscule compared to Toren and divorce and even losing my house.  My motto is "any day when you are not delivering a deadbaby is pretty damn good!"  The seminar was good though and helped me see that even though nothing in my life is completely being destroyed right now (you  know, except for losing hope of parenthood) there are things that are causing stress.

I made an appointment to talk about my relationship, and I'll actually be meeting with the woman who conducted yesterdays seminar and answered my questions about one-on-one appointments (she seems really great).

I have been in a marriage that was terrible for me emotionally so I know to avoid soul slaughtering relationships like that.  My relationship with SB is lovely and I feel respected and cared for and confident, but it can't develop further because he can't take care of himself.  My life dreams are postponed and postponed and postponed because he can't take care of himself.

What does a smart girl do?  Pay more than she can afford to have the boyfriend and family that she wants?  I'm taking action get these questions answered!