Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Cessation of the saga

... that is what I'm hoping for. 

Not very long ago at all I wrote about my ex-husband moving away and practically as soon as those thoughts of surprising sadness were expressed I began to gleefully enjoy his absence.  It was so nice to not worry about running into him and to not feel angry when friends (not really friends of mine anymore) invited us both to parties.  It kind of felt like I was getting a well deserved lucky break - like finally that incredibly long and sad story was taking a turn down a hopeful and less stressful path. 

Back when he moved and the regret over not understanding who he really was was clashing with the relief of having him far away, I was sort of worried that there wasn't a complete break between us and that one day we would run into each other again.  I imagined it would probably be some chance meeting on the West coast when we both happened to be visiting our respective families at the same time and that so much time would have passed by then that there would be no complicated, residual feelings remaining.  We would be able to casually catch up or just say a greeting and walk away and that would bring complete closure.

That is what I want - complete closure.  I want to remember him and feel nothing.  And not a false, suppressed emotions sort of nothing, but to truly feel that I am happy with how my life is turning out and that I'm so busy with wonderful thoughts that there's simply not room for negative thoughts related to him.  It takes time though and specifically it takes time without him disrupting my life.  That is what a lot of my old friends did not understand.  Even though he left in November of 2008 he has subtly hassled me since then and it has been really hard to get back on my feet financially and emotionally because of some of the things he has done.  The two year anniversary of our divorce is next month and one would think that would be sufficient time to get over it but just last week I spoke to a debt collector about the one measly bill he got in the divorce settlement which he does not pay.  We took out that loan together, while married, and creditors don't care who gets what bill in a divorce.  They were going to try to contact him again but if they can't get him to respond I'll probably start paying on the bill, not because I just can't figure out what to do with all of this extra money I have sitting around (HA!) but because this lingering connection to him is wearing me out and inhibiting my goal of improving my credit. 

In therapy I'm working on boundaries and being assertive and it's hard to see how this situation fits into that.  If I cave in and pay his bill I'm not being assertive but if I continue to let the behavior of someone else negatively impact me I continue to be a victim.  So damn.

How long does it take to get to feeling peace concerning someone who has hurt you badly?  And is there a crash course because it appears that he has just moved back here.  What if I can't promise graceful composure yet?


Alexicographer said...

Oof. I don't know the answer to your bigger question(s), but I think taking steps to prevent your ex's bad behavior from (further) hurting your finances is sensible and empowered. Sure, he gets something out of it too and that's annoying (heck, I'm annoyed), but you need to take care of yourself (I have a hard time remembering this myself, but, you know, cutting off nose to spite face: bad idea).

Sophie said...

Screw graceful composure... Write him a letter telling him that you have moved on and you're making a beautiful life for yourself and that this financial tie to him is holding you back. That is doesn't just affect him, it affects you and your credit and he needs to pay his damned bill that the courts decreed was his. Question why he's holding on to it. Is he holding on to YOU?

Graceful composure is great but damn he makes it hard. I'd be pissed as all hell. :(


reba alice said...

i've never been one for graceful composure...but the way i see it, you can still feel peace about it just by living your new happier life. it isn't going to be perfect...life just never is. but you just feeling happier with the way things are is good and leads to the peace you want to feel. i don't think it's a state of mind, it's just a fleeting moment that happens when you suddenly realize life is good. (then the next second reality slaps you again...LOL).
anyway, hugs to you! my ex's parents bought him a condo in the same town where i live (i'm STILL in the house we shared...yuck...but working on getting out). luckily we have never run into each other yet accidentally! but i do see him every week when he picks up my daughter.