Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

The music playing through the speakers on my desktop is a little too loud but it compensates somewhat for the rest of the house being so very quiet.


Snuggle Bunny's friends are automatically presumed to be my friends too, which is great and I never even questioned this until the weekend before last when he was encouraging me over and over to have brunch with another couple because they really wanted to see us and this would be their last chance for a while since their baby would be born soon.  I'd been feeling much more relaxed regarding the pregnancies of others, at least from a distance, but didn't feel like seeing how my PTSD was doing lately by sitting across a table from a full-term sized belly.  I suggested that he go alone but he said that they are my friends too and they want to see me, which made me think that I would not spend time with the wife outside of parties and brunch.  She's much too argumentative (have your own opinion but every once in a while you gotta shut up and listen to other people if you want to have friends).  Brunch with a couple that I've seen occasionally for the past 2 years, and that I had just realized I didn't really connect with, did not seem worth risking my emotional state over.  SB suggested I take a clonazepam before we left the house and get a mimosa with brunch.  I did not take kindly to this suggestion of being sedated just to get through a stupid meal gracefully.

Things have not been super great between SB and me lately.

I'd been looking forward to an event tonight.  Then, just when all I am missing is a layer of lipstick before walking out the door, SB faces his phone screen towards me so I can see the photo of the couples daughter who was born a few hours ago.  And I'm really not trying to be a bitch about this or belabor the fact that my son didn't survive, but suddenly I felt the very opposite of hungry and being in a crowded, trendy gastro-pub all night no longer sounded fun.  I said I would drive over myself in a bit (SB is the dj tonight so has to be there from before start and after finish).

I am happy and super relieved that a new baby has been safely delivered.  I don't know why I'm reacting so poorly still.  And while time has helped a great deal, the sadness is kind of transforming into deeper self loathing since I'm ashamed for still being bothered at all and I'm ashamed of not being pregnant yet.  Oh, and I don't feel awesome for not having found a job yet either.  On top of all of this here's how my last period went:
Monday a week ago - spotting, 5-7 days before a period should show up
Tuesday - bleeding
Wednesday - nothing!?
Thursday through Saturday - a fucking blood bath
Sunday - bleeding
Monday - wondering if it will ever end
Today - I think it's wrapping up

Meanwhile SB is determined to impregnate me and keeps talking about it.  I give up!  I'm uncomfortable in this relationship and have completely lost faith that the vision of having a family of my own (in which I would be relaxed and mentally stable) will ever happen.

My car was in the shop for a while and when picking it up a friend suggested that instead of continuing to dislike the car and desire trading it in for something else (just been waiting for a reason and, now, a source of income for car payments), I should just keep it and enjoy it.  This is definitely the easier way to go.  So I stopped thinking about how much I can't wait to get rid of that tiny sports car with no back seat and I'm simply enjoying how fast the little thing goes.


That all may sound sad, but overall I've had a great summer and I'm managing well given the stress of being unemployed.  I've been meaning to write for months now but I'm tired of writing this story, I'm exhausted from Toren still being dead.  The next chapter was supposed to be about rainbows. 

Anyway, I've been chattering on about nothing every so often here