Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Monday, June 29, 2009

Celebrity sighting and other gossip

Guess who I saw!!!

Debbie from It's just me (along with 2pac and P. Diddy) visited my region of the world and I was able to meet her! Debbie is super duper sweet and fun and if we lived in the same area I would want to hang out with her often. We sweated in the Southern heat, laughed at/with her colleagues, and caught up IN REAL LIFE!

AnnaLand gossip

My trip out West to visit family and attend a conference was fantastic and just what I needed. I can't even believe that a few days before I was supposed to fly out I considered canceling the trip because I was just too depressed to leave the house. Upon returning to my silent, lonely home I realized how much I enjoyed being around other people, whether it was sleeping in my Dad's living room or on the hide-a-bed in their hotel room or in my own bed sharing a hotel room with a colleague. I loved saying "goodnight" to someone and not eating every meal alone. So while it was sad to return to "my reality" I discovered that I CAN be happier. Thus, I have promised myself that if, after renting out the spare rooms of my home, I am not happy enough I will leave. I will fucking walk away from this fucking house, this investment for my family's fucking future. I will go home to my Mother and leave the ex to figure out how to pay the mortgage and keep up with repairs. He can put the damn thing up for sale or lose it to the bank - I won't care! BUT FIRST I will make a serious effort to make my home happier by getting some housemates.

Which leads to piece of gossip #2: Yesterday I posted ads for the rooms. It is very stressful. So far 3 people have responded and I am convinced that all of them are scams (although I'm not sure how they could be scamming me, or why). When I don't hear anything for several hours I start to freak out and think that I'll never rent the rooms, then when an inquiry arrives I freak out because I'm so suspicious. At first I was thinking that the worst case scenario would be to be murdered by a loser renter. Then I thought that death wouldn't be so bad considering I've been whining about being alive for so long and I may have an opportunity to try out some of my boxing moves before being slaughtered. No, the worst case scenario would be my sweet kitties being harmed during a robbery or my murder. The ads were only posted just over 24 hours ago and I am this worked up...
So, every crazy person in the area may answer my ad but I'm just going to remember that I'm certifiable - I've been 1013'd and hauled off to treatment in the back of a sheriff's car so I can outcrazy the best of them. Um, yeah, that was my "assert yourself" and "call them on bullshit" fight song.

All of this was brought on by gossip snippet #3: Every time I see another e-mail from my bank telling me about another fucking overdraft charge I get so freaking angry at the ex for not bothering to contribute ANY money towards the mortgage this month or bothering to give any explanation for why he's ignoring my requests for it. I hope he can live with himself while he shirks his prior commitments and pays rent somewhere else. Of course I'll never say any of this to him, but if I could manage to speak around him I'd say "You fucking closed off, immature, adulterous man, so far I think of you often but someday you will never cross my mind."

Further inflammatory remarks in gossip passage #4: I am destitute. But it's not pissing me off as much as it could. Instead it's kind of empowering! No car insurance, no natural gas service (which means no hot water or cooking), and only $15 in gift cards and cash to live on since Friday. I'm living off the land (horray for my awesome veg garden!) and out of the freezer. Also, I'd like to give a big shout out to the George Foreman Grill which has allowed me to cook the turkey burgers from the freezer. Everyday I am just so thankful that I have food to eat and that it's hot enough outside that cold showers are not so bad. My goal for next month is to not have any utilities turned off.

Gossip story #5, a tale of self-assertion: There is a hope of acheiving that goal because I canceled all current and future appointments with Therapist 2. It wasn't pretty. Of course she asked if there were reasons beyond financial for my desire to leave therapy and you know what, there are! I felt uncomfortable many times. I was referred to her for trauma treatment and it turned into regular psychotherapy plus group therapy, which would have been ok if my insurance had been filed properly. Again, of course I didn't say anything beyond "I need a break". Anywoo, it's my fault for continuing to write the checks and spending hundreds every month, but by not paying her I should be able to keep the utilities on.

Finally, HOPE: I get paid soon. In July I'm starting a budget. Starting in July I will not pay my ex's bills (other than health insurance). On payday I will start my own car insurance policy and the bill will be less than $60/month and I'll be able to access information about my account without needing my ex's password or last 4 digits of his SSN. On Thursday the gas will be turned on and I'll have my own natural gas account rather than needing the ex to authorize anything on the account.

Wow, didn't think all of that would spill onto the screen...on first glance it may not look shiny and pretty in AnnaLand but a gleam is working its way in.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Next year I'm going to follow the recommendations for seed spacing. It's become very crowded in the garden!

Here is the layout of my gardens (replanting the lawn that died during the drought has clearly not been a priority). At the bottom left of the photo are watermelon plants (they are not doing so great); at the bottom right is a corner of the pumpkin patch; the vegetable garden is ahead and the butterfly garden is across the path from that, right next to the house. This photo was taken last weekend and already the vegetable garden is MUCH LARGER!

Here's Sasha kitty checking to see if the catnip seeds planted in the pot grew, something grew but I don't think it is the catnip :( Also pictured are romaine and red leaf lettuce, green onions, lemon cucumbers (caged on the left), tomato stalks with basil and parsley.

This photo was taken at the end of May before the cucumbers went through their growth spurt. The path is covered with vines right now and the tomatoes are 6 feet tall. When designing the garden I had visions of gracefully and leisurely walking down the path, picking ripe vegetables; it's more like playing Twister right now as I avoid stepping on plants!

The plants from last year in the butterfly garden are getting really big but the seeds I planted have been very disappointing. I don't know why they did so poorly. It's hard to see what's going on in this photo so I guess it's included here more for me. The first blooms on the purple butterfly bush are there, but are lost in a dark spot; I added two pinwheels and I like the shining movements they provide - makes the garden feel less lonely.

This butterfly chime is new.

Here's a photo of the stone added to the garden this year. Chokes me up still.


It's not been awesome in my headspace lately. I swear I'm not purposefully making things hard for myself or doing things to slow down my progress in therapy. Therapist 2 suggested I pretend like I feel like being alive to see if that intention will turn into reality. Ok, but I'd still prefer if therapy would just lead to ACTUALLY feeling better.

I head West in a few days and I'm nervous to see my family because I don't want them to know how poorly I've been doing. The name of the game will be to keep them doing the talking!!! I am eager to see the desert and maybe I can arrange a trip to the Pacific Ocean but overall getting excited enough for the trip to actually make progress in preparing to go has not happened - I arrive in Phoenix on Thursday and will end up in Anaheim during the weekend where I'll stay until Wednesday.

I used to love to travel.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

I have to pee...

... about every 10 to 30 minutes.

No pain.

Almost two years ago a had an asymptomatic UTI which was only diagnosed because my OB's office tested all patients. I was called a day after my first prenatal visit and was prescribed antibiotics. I don't know how long I had had the infection. I had been feeling like crap for weeks but I thought those were pregnancy symptoms, and before the positive pregnancy test I thought I was just under the weather.

Now, I've been under the weather for 2 weeks. Now, my ex is moving out ... my old life is moving further away ... I'm very upset so perhaps I just need to tinkle because I'm ultra nervous.

In case it is just neuroticism I don't want to see a doctor. Also I don't want to say the words "UTI", or hear it discussed, or pee in a cup. I don't want to think about kidneys and bladders. Without a family history of kidney problems, the causes of bilateral renal agensis are still unknown, but two "bad" things happened early in my pregnancy and I suspect one of them is the culprit: was it the UTI or the velamentous cord insertion? Which one killed my son? There has to be a cause!! How come a UTI could be ultimately fatal to a fetus (in this scenario of jumping to conclusions) but if left untreated I doubt I would die? How come people die of stupid things everyday but I can't just fall over lifeless from a broken heart?

I don't know why I get out of bed everyday. Today is just a bad day, other days are bearable.

The water broke for a very pregnant coworker down the hall, I guess she is going to the hospital now.

I'm going to the ladies room.

Would you believe there was then a parade of strollers full of baby boys through my office? Ok, actually it was only one stroller and one tiny baby boy but it felt like more. Today is crushing.