Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Monday, June 29, 2009

Celebrity sighting and other gossip

Guess who I saw!!!

Debbie from It's just me (along with 2pac and P. Diddy) visited my region of the world and I was able to meet her! Debbie is super duper sweet and fun and if we lived in the same area I would want to hang out with her often. We sweated in the Southern heat, laughed at/with her colleagues, and caught up IN REAL LIFE!

AnnaLand gossip

My trip out West to visit family and attend a conference was fantastic and just what I needed. I can't even believe that a few days before I was supposed to fly out I considered canceling the trip because I was just too depressed to leave the house. Upon returning to my silent, lonely home I realized how much I enjoyed being around other people, whether it was sleeping in my Dad's living room or on the hide-a-bed in their hotel room or in my own bed sharing a hotel room with a colleague. I loved saying "goodnight" to someone and not eating every meal alone. So while it was sad to return to "my reality" I discovered that I CAN be happier. Thus, I have promised myself that if, after renting out the spare rooms of my home, I am not happy enough I will leave. I will fucking walk away from this fucking house, this investment for my family's fucking future. I will go home to my Mother and leave the ex to figure out how to pay the mortgage and keep up with repairs. He can put the damn thing up for sale or lose it to the bank - I won't care! BUT FIRST I will make a serious effort to make my home happier by getting some housemates.

Which leads to piece of gossip #2: Yesterday I posted ads for the rooms. It is very stressful. So far 3 people have responded and I am convinced that all of them are scams (although I'm not sure how they could be scamming me, or why). When I don't hear anything for several hours I start to freak out and think that I'll never rent the rooms, then when an inquiry arrives I freak out because I'm so suspicious. At first I was thinking that the worst case scenario would be to be murdered by a loser renter. Then I thought that death wouldn't be so bad considering I've been whining about being alive for so long and I may have an opportunity to try out some of my boxing moves before being slaughtered. No, the worst case scenario would be my sweet kitties being harmed during a robbery or my murder. The ads were only posted just over 24 hours ago and I am this worked up...
So, every crazy person in the area may answer my ad but I'm just going to remember that I'm certifiable - I've been 1013'd and hauled off to treatment in the back of a sheriff's car so I can outcrazy the best of them. Um, yeah, that was my "assert yourself" and "call them on bullshit" fight song.

All of this was brought on by gossip snippet #3: Every time I see another e-mail from my bank telling me about another fucking overdraft charge I get so freaking angry at the ex for not bothering to contribute ANY money towards the mortgage this month or bothering to give any explanation for why he's ignoring my requests for it. I hope he can live with himself while he shirks his prior commitments and pays rent somewhere else. Of course I'll never say any of this to him, but if I could manage to speak around him I'd say "You fucking closed off, immature, adulterous man, so far I think of you often but someday you will never cross my mind."

Further inflammatory remarks in gossip passage #4: I am destitute. But it's not pissing me off as much as it could. Instead it's kind of empowering! No car insurance, no natural gas service (which means no hot water or cooking), and only $15 in gift cards and cash to live on since Friday. I'm living off the land (horray for my awesome veg garden!) and out of the freezer. Also, I'd like to give a big shout out to the George Foreman Grill which has allowed me to cook the turkey burgers from the freezer. Everyday I am just so thankful that I have food to eat and that it's hot enough outside that cold showers are not so bad. My goal for next month is to not have any utilities turned off.

Gossip story #5, a tale of self-assertion: There is a hope of acheiving that goal because I canceled all current and future appointments with Therapist 2. It wasn't pretty. Of course she asked if there were reasons beyond financial for my desire to leave therapy and you know what, there are! I felt uncomfortable many times. I was referred to her for trauma treatment and it turned into regular psychotherapy plus group therapy, which would have been ok if my insurance had been filed properly. Again, of course I didn't say anything beyond "I need a break". Anywoo, it's my fault for continuing to write the checks and spending hundreds every month, but by not paying her I should be able to keep the utilities on.

Finally, HOPE: I get paid soon. In July I'm starting a budget. Starting in July I will not pay my ex's bills (other than health insurance). On payday I will start my own car insurance policy and the bill will be less than $60/month and I'll be able to access information about my account without needing my ex's password or last 4 digits of his SSN. On Thursday the gas will be turned on and I'll have my own natural gas account rather than needing the ex to authorize anything on the account.

Wow, didn't think all of that would spill onto the screen...on first glance it may not look shiny and pretty in AnnaLand but a gleam is working its way in.


Sophie said...

You'll do it Anna. You are one strong chick and I am so proud of you!!! Yay for vegie garden, yay for George Formeman Grill... Middle finger extended to the ex and bring on some wonderful new housemates to makes things interesting. :)


angie said...

I want to write exactly what Sophie did! I laughed out loud a few times when I was reading this post, and sighed, and got pissed off (your ex makes me mad), and felt strong too...You CAN do this. And with panache, humor, strength, and grace, if this blog post is any evidence. Much love.

Sara said...

Goooooooooooooo Anna!

angelseashore said...

Sometimes you have get angry enough to make positive changes in your life. Sounds like you're there. That's fantastic. Wishing you an empowering July. Your strength is empowering me... Love ya!

Meg said...

Good for you,Anna! You CAN do this! July is the month!

Ya Chun said...

hope u get some good and non-irritating roomies! might be fun!