Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Thursday, July 2, 2009

You guys always know just what to say in your replies and your encouragement means so much, thankyou, thankyou, thankyou!

What I wrote in the last post of what I wished I could say to the ex - I didn't mean it. Only a small part of me wants to say that. I'm not proud when I think or say angry things about him because those sentiments are not entirely true. I don't hate him, I love him! He was my best friend for over a decade. He was the person I wanted to see everyday. I wanted to have his children and raise a family with him. I wanted all of that even with his history of lying and infidelity.

It's incredible what you will put up with when you believe "I love you"'s. Once those endearments walk out the door ANGER rears up just for self protection. It turns out all of the times of absent devotion are only forgiven if the "I love you"'s are true and sometimes the emotions associated with these memories are overwhelming.

Ultimately I do not wish to never think of him again; I wish to someday be able to remember happy times from when we were together and not follow the path of feeling rejection and loss, and loneliness, and anger. I want the happy memories to remain that way.


I've been doing so much participation in life lately, it feels like I exist again. And that is ok, taking care of issues is energizing! I hope it keeps up because it feels good.

The bad part is, it is time consuming and rather embarrassing to re-join life. This week I paid the traffic citation from my accident back in winter; this was urgent because I found out my license had been suspended because of it (so embarrassing!). Then I almost didn't get to join a credit union because my credit is not looking so hot (shit). All of these problems are because, for the most part, I haven't opened mail since October 2007.

I have a lot of catching up to do. But, as my Mom said, at least I'm doing it now. I love my Mother for saying she was proud of me for getting my license reinstated!


Finding housemates is time consuming and so far no one looks great. The seemingly sanest of respondents is between jobs and is collecting unemployment and working part-time - I told her as long as she can cover the rent I am not bothered by this. Dumb? We'll see. In fact, as long as my kitchen isn't turned into a meth lab (because those are smelly and can blow up) I don't care how people get the rent, I just want to be able to pay my mortgage.

In an effort to get more interest from my roommates dot com posting I wanted to include a photo of myself (only because so many other people do it). Some of you, (Sophie had an excellent post a while back) have talked about photos before deadbaby and after; I hardly have any photos of myself taken "after" and I haven't found a single one without sunglasses. I posted this one though, taken during a trip to the Pacific Northwest. This is a "before". Although, it's actually during, about 2 weeks gestation, but I wouldn't know that Toren was present for another 2 months. The photo was taken 7-7-07, which means year 2 has already begun, and suddenly my chest is so tight.

Photo removed to protect anonymity

Add 20 pounds and some frown lines, take away the wedding ring and sparkle and you get me today. Just occurred to me that posting this photo with my ad may be too much of a misrepresentation! Might reconsider.


Disjointed? Possibly. Re-joining life has hijacked my brain and I left my bag of medications in my office yesterday (worked from home today to let in gas guy and carpet cleaners) so it's been too long for some of these pills. I've got to go pick them up before I get dizzier, while driving ultra carefully since I just got my license back ;) So I leave you with my theme song for the moment. Enjoy!


Sophie said...

Wow! Look at you, you're gorgeous! And I bet you still are even with the extra pounds. You look so free and unhindered by pain. Does it make you feel sad to see this pic or does it give you hope that you'll feel this way again? I always have mixed feelings about seeing my earlier pics.

Its funny you posted this. I was talking about the whole photo thing with Lachlan's mum (the path i'm walking). We talked about my current pregnancy and whether I was taking pics or not. I haven't. So anyway, I took a couple that night. Forced a great big smile and went for it. It looks okay but man those babylost pounds are EVIL!!! I'm still building up the courage to post the pics. Lol.

You are sounding amazing. Don't be embarrassed Anna, you're doing such a great job. Your mom is right to be proud. She sounds so supportive!


Lani said...

hi anna- just stumbled upon your blog from someone else's blog. i'm also a babylost mom (from the blog elmcitydad) and have so many similar struggles as you.
i just wanted to say hi. You have the most amazing gardens!! the need to nurture something- whether its plants, pets, whatever, is so present. especially after such a tragic loss like we've all faced.
I don't know your whole story, but from what I gather, your in a really tough place. i'm sending you lots of love xo

Bluebird said...

You sound so positive in this post - I am happy for you!!! I am glad that you are getting out there and living again.

Oh, and thanks for stopping by hubby's blog.

Sending love...

Reba said...

i had 2 thoughts when i saw this picture on fb...
#1 she's gorgeous!! (for some reason, i still find it surprising that deadbabies can happen to the beautiful people as well as the rest of us)
#2 this is definitely a "before" picture :( (even people who have never seen us before can just tell)

you sound like you're doing really good today.