You guys always know just what to say in your replies and your encouragement means so much, thankyou, thankyou, thankyou!
What I wrote in the last post of what I wished I could say to the ex - I didn't mean it. Only a small part of me wants to say that. I'm not proud when I think or say angry things about him because those sentiments are not entirely true. I don't hate him, I love him! He was my best friend for over a decade. He was the person I wanted to see everyday. I wanted to have his children and raise a family with him. I wanted all of that even with his history of lying and infidelity.
It's incredible what you will put up with when you believe "I love you"'s. Once those endearments walk out the door ANGER rears up just for self protection. It turns out all of the times of absent devotion are only forgiven if the "I love you"'s are true and sometimes the emotions associated with these memories are overwhelming.
Ultimately I do not wish to never think of him again; I wish to someday be able to remember happy times from when we were together and not follow the path of feeling rejection and loss, and loneliness, and anger. I want the happy memories to remain that way.
I've been doing so much participation in life lately, it feels like I exist again. And that is ok, taking care of issues is energizing! I hope it keeps up because it feels good.
The bad part is, it is time consuming and rather embarrassing to re-join life. This week I paid the traffic citation from my accident back in winter; this was urgent because I found out my license had been suspended because of it (so embarrassing!). Then I almost didn't get to join a credit union because my credit is not looking so hot (shit). All of these problems are because, for the most part, I haven't opened mail since October 2007.
I have a lot of catching up to do. But, as my Mom said, at least I'm doing it now. I love my Mother for saying she was proud of me for getting my license reinstated!
Finding housemates is time consuming and so far no one looks great. The seemingly sanest of respondents is between jobs and is collecting unemployment and working part-time - I told her as long as she can cover the rent I am not bothered by this. Dumb? We'll see. In fact, as long as my kitchen isn't turned into a meth lab (because those are smelly and can blow up) I don't care how people get the rent, I just want to be able to pay my mortgage.
In an effort to get more interest from my roommates dot com posting I wanted to include a photo of myself (only because so many other people do it). Some of you, (Sophie had an excellent post a while back) have talked about photos before deadbaby and after; I hardly have any photos of myself taken "after" and I haven't found a single one without sunglasses. I posted this one though, taken during a trip to the Pacific Northwest. This is a "before". Although, it's actually during, about 2 weeks gestation, but I wouldn't know that Toren was present for another 2 months. The photo was taken 7-7-07, which means year 2 has already begun, and suddenly my chest is so tight.
Photo removed to protect anonymity
Add 20 pounds and some frown lines, take away the wedding ring and sparkle and you get me today. Just occurred to me that posting this photo with my ad may be too much of a misrepresentation! Might reconsider.
Disjointed? Possibly. Re-joining life has hijacked my brain and I left my bag of medications in my office yesterday (worked from home today to let in gas guy and carpet cleaners) so it's been too long for some of these pills. I've got to go pick them up before I get dizzier, while driving ultra carefully since I just got my license back ;) So I leave you with my theme song for the moment. Enjoy!