Years ago I read a magazine article that talked about creating space in your life for the things you want. For instance, say your winter coat is old and needs replacing but you keep wearing it on cold days because you haven't seriously searched for a new coat, and you haven't looked for a new coat because you still have the old coat. And you can't give away the old coat until you have a replacement, right? The article suggested getting rid of the old coat first because that creates space in your closet and life for something new.
For 21 months I've maintained heart-space and house-space for Toren. He will have his heart-space with me until the end of time but his house-space is gone. The almost-nursery is no longer waiting for the boy who can't come home.
Surprisingly, it's comforting to see the boxes that housemate L has already brought over stacked against the wall that never framed a crib. It's a relief that the space is no longer waiting to be filled.
On Saturday L and C move in. Fingers crossed that this will be a very positive change.
I'm doing badly ... I'm grateful for my new housemates and that I'm moving forward, but I really wanted Toren to live here, I really wanted my family to fill this house.
A while ago, stunned by how quickly a happy, hopeful life can turn horrific, I begged the Universe to release me from this hell ... I prayed for a change. The change is coming before I'm fully ready - there's still a part that can't accept that life continues after so much sorrow, there is still a part waiting for the nightmare to end in a reality that includes my baby safe and sound and my husband happy and present.
Anyway, a song to say goodbye