Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Thursday, July 30, 2009


Years ago I read a magazine article that talked about creating space in your life for the things you want. For instance, say your winter coat is old and needs replacing but you keep wearing it on cold days because you haven't seriously searched for a new coat, and you haven't looked for a new coat because you still have the old coat. And you can't give away the old coat until you have a replacement, right? The article suggested getting rid of the old coat first because that creates space in your closet and life for something new.

For 21 months I've maintained heart-space and house-space for Toren. He will have his heart-space with me until the end of time but his house-space is gone. The almost-nursery is no longer waiting for the boy who can't come home.

Surprisingly, it's comforting to see the boxes that housemate L has already brought over stacked against the wall that never framed a crib. It's a relief that the space is no longer waiting to be filled.

On Saturday L and C move in. Fingers crossed that this will be a very positive change.


I'm doing badly ... I'm grateful for my new housemates and that I'm moving forward, but I really wanted Toren to live here, I really wanted my family to fill this house.

A while ago, stunned by how quickly a happy, hopeful life can turn horrific, I begged the Universe to release me from this hell ... I prayed for a change. The change is coming before I'm fully ready - there's still a part that can't accept that life continues after so much sorrow, there is still a part waiting for the nightmare to end in a reality that includes my baby safe and sound and my husband happy and present.

Anyway, a song to say goodbye


Anonymous said...

The phrase "life goes on" always makes me so impossibly sad, that life, changes, and the mundaneness of the everyday marches on in spite of the fact that our children are dead. I hope this change goes ok - and wish things were differnet. xo

janis said...

((hugs)) wishing for many positive changes ahead for you.

angie said...

I agree, it is horrifying that life continues after so much sorrow and suffering. I still wait for someone to send me a letter notifying me where to pick up my daughter. Hoping this new change and new energy in your home is positive and beautiful. With love.

Catherine W said...

It is awful how life just grinds on and on and on without them, isn't it. Toren will always have his heart-space with you. I wish that he had been able to fill his house-space too.

I hope that all goes well with your new housemates. I hope that it will be a very positive change for you. xx

Reba said...

really great song...so sorry your heartspace can't match your housespace...but i too hope the new housemates are a positive change.

Lachlan's Mum said...

Wishing you healing as you move through these big changes ahead.

Sara said...

Big hugs to you, Anna.

Sophie said...

Thinking of you Anna. Deep breaths. New things are happening and it must be overwhelming. Hoping this change takes you somewhere interesting.

Rebekah said...

I hope this change helps bring a healing of sorts. We moved houses (we were planning on it anyways & had already put an offer in) and the change did help me tremendously. I know you said you weren't completely ready and I'm not sure I was ready for the move either but looking back now I can see how much it helped.

Ya Chun said...

I hope your new roomies work out.

And I am sorry that you have new roomies, oh boy am I ever. It is hard, to keep going, to try to keep up with the ever changing world. But you will find a way, and make it your own.


Summer said...

Changes are usually hard in the best of times, so I can only imagine that this is very difficult. Thinking of you. I hope these changes start to bring you some peace.