Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Friday, July 10, 2009

Growing pains

Babies grow so quickly. The babies born well after Toren died are teething, trying solid foods, learning to roll over and crawl, and they are GROWING.

Toren stays forever tiny, his weight easily held by my left arm.


I stopped by the cemetery yesterday evening after not visiting for several weeks. Since it is a communal plot there is usually something different each week when I normally visit. There was nothing different last night! No new toys or memorial items placed ... nothing rearranged. And this is what my grief feels like lately - stagnant, immobile, quiet and ignored. Work, a trip, "oh shit" financial situation, quest for housemates, love/hate emotion swings related to ex, and trying to reclaim my life, has pushed thoughts of Toren to the sidelines.


My living situation is going to be very different in August when housemates move in. I'm happy about this because it helps with my goal of paying my bills, but sometimes the thought tiptoes through my brain "is this what I wanted for my life?". The answer is "no". I never had a desire to live with housemates. I feel like I'm too old for this. I should have my family with me. I miss them. I miss the life I almost had.


You know that feeling of everyone's lives are moving on, progressing, changing while you are stuck missing your kid? Now I see progression and change in my own life but it's happening out of necessity not desire. It's a good thing, but it's weird. It's a happy thing and a not-happy thing at the same time.

For today, how about a song about going places (I didn't watch all of the video) to inspire this Southern Belle to get her ass to work!


caitsmom said...

Yes, I know that feeling of stagnation. Sometimes, I manage to pull myself out and other times it takes something/one from the outside. This week it seems to be taking forever!!! Thinking of you and your Toren. Good luck with the housemates. Peace.

Ya Chun said...

you have got so much crazy stuff going on right now.

What ever happened to that blind date that didn't happen? Rescheduled?

Have you got housemates picked out yet?

Zil said...

Stagnation...there's a great U2 sing about this - Stuck in the Moment. Me too. The facade can enable me to work and socialize, but the pain persists. I take my meds. I drink wine. Nothing dulls the sting...I know you see my FB pages. Seems like I'm happy - right? An act...should win an emmy for my performance.