Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Friday, July 10, 2009

Let go!!!

Sometimes it is gentle and encouraging - "Anna, let go".

Other times it takes on the sharp tone I use when my cats have caught a bird or chipmunk - "Anna! Drop it!!"

"The family you had is gone and will not return. With a white knuckled, unbreakable grip you are clinging to a dead memory, a wish, a huge what-could-have-been, the corpse of what-almost-was. DROP IT!!!"

"With this desperate grasp on NOTHING how can you possibly hold anything new?"


If I let go who will remember that my beautiful family existed for a short time? Who will recognize that everything felt so right with my marriage for those few months of pregnancy? Who will rage against the world because my baby died?

You were supposed to outlive me. I was never supposed to need to let go of you.


I just had a fight with myself that is ending in tears and too much wine. Hooray for Friday night!

What are your internal conversations like lately?


Reba said...

oh my god anna...he is so beautiful :( i always am, but especially tonight, i am so sorry he is gone.

Meg said...

We all will remember sweet Toren. And that your family was whole for even that short time. I will rage that your Toren died. He is your son! You didn't deserve this and neither did he! I am so so sorry that you lost him.

My internal fights are actually about how I want to kill myself and that I can't. I think of what it would do to my family. So far, it's been about 12 years of serious thought on the matter, but that darn family keeps me hangin on. I am glad you're hangin on, too, Anna. I hope things go well with your housemates. I also would like to hear about that blind date :)

Toren is absolutely beautiful. Thank you for sharing him with us.

Sophie said...

Toren is beautiful. Sweet dreams little man.

Mine are complicated. Mostly its about hating my family for not understanding my grief and then trying to excuse them for their bad behaviours. Ultimately I am screwed. :(


Catherine W said...

Toren is beautiful. Sweet boy.
I am so sorry.

I think I'm doing the same thing. I just can't let go. I can't. That unbreakable grip is firmly around the nothing that was once my daughter.

Even when I can see that it is in my own best interests and my internal voice is getting sharper and sharper in tone. "C! Drop it!" is pretty much right.

Raging against the world with you. xx

Barbara said...

Oh he's beautiful! Perfect little button nose.

You won't forget, Toren will never be forgotten. You don't need to let go of him, ever. Just the pain. One day.

My internal conversation these days seems to consist of variations on the theme of;
"What if George is the only child you will have?" "Shutupshutupshutup!"


Bluebird said...

He is so beautiful! He will never be forgotten. I know where you are coming from though...

I am arguing with myself over being happy at the moment. It feels good but yet it feels wrong.

Sending love...

angie said...

It's Toren. He is beautiful, Anna.

I have a similar internal dialogue with some cussing thrown in for good measure.

Sara said...

Poor, sweet little Toren. He is gorgeous.

CLC said...

What a beautiful boy! Not for nothing, but it's extremely hard to let go. And of course you want to rage at the universe, because he should be here. He will always be remembered. He will always be loved.

Ya Chun said...

Sweet baby Toren. He is so precious.

'Letting go' is a delicate balance. I don't think in those terms.

I have accepted that Serenity is not here, not growing up, not making me smile. I accept that this is the path I am on in life, and I try to make the most of every step, and live in a way that honors her (I have said this a thousand times). Forgetting her does not honor her, but neither does clinching her memory or the could-have-beens, living a crappy life, or not making the most of what I do have. So much has changed for me since she died - I no longer have a career, a multitude of 'friends', or decent health. But I am trying, and I still am hoping.

You can too. You will find that balance that is right for you.

I have intergrated the new situation into my life, and/or integrated myself into this new situation (whichever way it is).


Anonymous said...

Cute baby Toren... how you are missed. My internal conversation -you're ready to try again.. no it's too scary.. you have to take care of your health first.. no, eat the choclate cake, you're depressed.. no, don't eat it.. you want a baby.. I'm scared that I'll lose another baby.....

umm, talk about erratic.

Why can't things be easy? I know life has always been hard but it seems so much harder since losing my daughter..

Rebekah said...

Toren is beautiful!

My internal conversations are often the same.

aliza said...

oh anna

firstly thank you for sharing your sweet boy with us

and my internal conversation is similar to yours, what should have been, not wanting to believe that this is my life, that i was so close to having the child i wanted for so long...and now this hell. and like barbara said, i think 'what if lev was the only baby i'll ever have, what if i never have a living child'...ug

wishing you peace, let the tears flow


aliza said...

p.s. on another topic, i just saw your comment on another blog...i also have celiac disease...have had it for over 20 years...

Bree said...

You're sweet boy was beautiful!

My internal conversation is rapid fire. It vassilates between missing my daughter, being angry at the world, hating my pregnant friends and resenting their joy, wanting to be pregnant, thinking I want to die... It aint pretty.

I just read Aliza's comment. Do you have Celiac disease? I just got tested for it. I swear I have it, my sister has it. I just start a gluten free diet about 3 weeks ago and feel fabulous (physically).

Zil said...

What a handsome boy. There is nothing that says you have to let go. He's a part of you and always will be.