I don't think about having a baby much anymore. Why bother wishing when I have no spouse and I simply can't afford to have one by myself right now. Without the gnawing hopes for a family I've started to question whether I really wanted that in the first place. I didn't always want to have children and I didn't have to try long at all to conceive (all of you living with infertility feel free to throw stuff at me). Last night my friends baby was at my home. A blue eyed boy smiled, giggled, cried, had a bottle, played, and fell asleep on the quilt my Mother made for me when I was a little girl. He was really fun and really sweet.
I want a baby.
I would have been a good mother too.
I had a plan in place for breastfeeding for at least a year to reduce Toren's risk of developing celiac disease. We were going to teach him sign language so Toren could communicate before he could speak. I was never going to complain about sleepless nights because how could I be upset with a little human who wanted me near. We were considering a Montessori style play area. He would ride with me to work and go to day care while I went to my office; I would be able to visit him during the day.
And those were just a few of the plans for baby-hood alone! Later there would be annual passes to the aquarium and botanical gardens. He would get exposure to music, technology, art, dance and science to see if he took after his dad or mom. There would be a swing set in the backyard, we would hang out by the community pool all summer with the other families. Most importantly Toren would grow up knowing that he was wanted and is deeply loved and cherished.
While Toren was in utero, my wish for him was that he would be a happy individual. I figured that also included him being healthy enough to be happy, I didn't need perfection for his body, just joy for his spirit. Did he jump ship because it was not possible for him to be happy in our family?
I wasn't always a basket case.
I put myself through undergrad graduating with honors while working (pastry chef) and performing in student showcases (classical ballet). I was accepted into a top University for graduate school. I did fairly well there even after discovering that the ex was searching for "discreet" affairs with strangers on the internet just days before classes started. My boss for my work study position wanted me to stay after graduation so I did because I love her and the study we work on. She encouraged me to get a PhD next but I just can't do that much thinking yet.
Ah Anna, remember when earning anything less than an "A" was upsetting? Remember piping icing pearls and shells over and over to classical music so they would be perfectly uniform on wedding cakes? Remember foot cramps from the repetitive barre exercises and baby's breath in your hair performing a Petipa variation?
Now I'm hardly flustered when the bank account dips below zero.
All of that hard work just went to hell so quickly.
Now I'm a fucking loser who can't afford all of my bills let alone be able to afford to take care of a child. I no longer feel like I ever deserved a child.
Before. Dancing with my Dad at my sisters wedding
Removed to protect my anonymity. It's a cute photo though, lots of smiling and laughing.
After. Reflection in sliding glass door.
I'm really sad now. A song for today.