Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

You know, one of the biggest roadblocks I have to getting an official divorce is that I don't know what to do about my last name. My degrees have my married last name and I'm really proud of earning those...

Fuck, along with the huge issues of divorce, like heartache, there are so many emotionally charged little things that require decisions.

And you want to hear a confession? I think part of the reason why bill paying has not been a priority is because I wanted his credit to be ruined and I didn't care about mine. Now I am caring about mine more. It's shameful, but I want to hurt him.

This time two years ago I was madly in love! Now, love is not a predominant emotion for me (it is getting better though!).

After everything that has happened in the last 2 years I don't know what my name is. Any suggestions?

Monday, September 28, 2009


Day one without alcohol completed.

Again. How many day ones will there be?

And of course this decision is from another dose of reality where the statement "my drinking is out of control" flashed above me in neon.

Moving into day two, refreshed after a peaceful slumber curled up with a snugglebug who wants to support me in sobriety and who made us milkshakes last night that we enjoyed while sitting on his balcony. Just chatting without getting drunk.

Moving forward without my son - without the family that I wanted. One step then another without numbing. Moving without some people who were once so vital.

Moving with people who want what's good for me overall, and not just what will make me happier RIGHT NOW.


Moving in a positive direction is surprisingly so scary. I resist and resist, over and over, clinging to what is long gone, some of which I no longer even want. But today is day two - another chance to try again.

"It's not enough to stay here almost trying"

Wednesday, September 9, 2009


Walking along the sidewalk was an older gentleman who looked normal - you know, clean clothes, appropriately groomed, serene expression - but every few steps he would wave his hands and loudly speak to no one. Over the traffic I only heard one word clearly:


If I didn't have a meeting to get to I would have seriously considered indulging my wish to park the little car and join him. We would be two regular, healthy appearing people vocalizing the random thoughts on our minds.

Perhaps he would be pissed that I joined him and then we could scream at each other. I imagine it would follow a pattern similar to sex with us ranting about merely annoying things before getting to the nitty gritty issues and once those were yelled out we'd smoke a cigarette, shake hands, and go our separate ways.

My random silent thoughts for today:

*I thought with frustration "Where's my bracelet?" while looking for the bracelet Zil made - the bracelet with Toren's name spelled out - that was immediately followed by "Where's my baby?". Even though I know that I don't have to worry about him, after all this time I still wish I had to.

* It's embarrassing to drive the little car. With only room for two people it's obvious to everyone that I have no family.

Want to share the random thoughts you are keeping silent?

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

I don't/won't remember where I put my wedding ring after displacing it several months back because my heart cracked whenever I opened the jewelry box. The ring is very "me" - romantic and old fashioned in style; I used to feel so loved when I looked at it.

A missing ring for displaced love.

Last night I dreamt that the diamonds were falling out of the setting and were lost. I knew it would never be worth it to repair the ring.

It's doubtful that I'll ever sell it ... I'm not sure I'll have children to pass my valuable jewelry on to ... Maybe someday I'll be old and will be close to someone's little girl and can give it to her.

Here, this is for you, let me tell you a story of love ... A boy and a girl spent half of their lives together; he gave her this very ring because he truly loved her. They had a beautiful baby who turned into an angel and their love accompanied the angel boy up into the sky to stay with him forever where the rainbows and stars live.