Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Friday, January 11, 2013

Normal stress

Maybe, from what has been written here before, someone could tell that I didn't feel like my ex-husband was very nice to me and I'm glad to be out of that marriage (even though I entered separation with reluctance).  And you can probably tell that I like my boyfriend and we are in a serious relationship but I have had concerns regarding his financial instability.


There is so much that could have been said over the past month plus about how I feel about being referred to a reproductive clinic - I'm all over the place, at times frustrated, sad, at peace, determined.  No action has been taken yet though.  SnuggleBunny is all on board with being positive and finding a way for us to have a family and he hasn't made me feel bad for being too old to conceive a baby, so that's nice.  However, he also hasn't had his semen analysis done.  I was able to get an appointment with the highest rated clinic in my area (maybe more on my concerns about where to go later) but without his test done I thought it would kind of be a waste of time so I postponed the visit.  The next available date was April 1, which I took, and already I feel like the fool in this situation.

Am I being dumb for insisting that he show initiative and make an appointment and PAY FOR his own test?  He would be a good father in a lot of ways, just like he is a good partner in so many ways, and he has said that having children is something that he really wants.  But words are not translating into actions.  I know the only barrier he has regarding the test is paying for it.  I'm barely getting back on my feet financially and I'm sick of paying for more than my share of the bills.  I know I'll be paying for our infertility treatment since it will be my body involved.  I'd be paying for any medical bills if I get pregnant and I'd probably pay for child related expenses, plus the bills I already pay.  And then there is the incredibly selfish fear that I'd have to increase my work hours while SB stays home with the baby - which is preferable to expensive childcare and good for the kid, right?

That is a lot more than I expected to write.


Yesterday I went to a short seminar on avoiding stress through a health expo at work.  I went on a whim - no, I went because I followed intuition.  Because I've been through STRESS and the stuff that's going on now feels very miniscule compared to Toren and divorce and even losing my house.  My motto is "any day when you are not delivering a deadbaby is pretty damn good!"  The seminar was good though and helped me see that even though nothing in my life is completely being destroyed right now (you  know, except for losing hope of parenthood) there are things that are causing stress.

I made an appointment to talk about my relationship, and I'll actually be meeting with the woman who conducted yesterdays seminar and answered my questions about one-on-one appointments (she seems really great).

I have been in a marriage that was terrible for me emotionally so I know to avoid soul slaughtering relationships like that.  My relationship with SB is lovely and I feel respected and cared for and confident, but it can't develop further because he can't take care of himself.  My life dreams are postponed and postponed and postponed because he can't take care of himself.

What does a smart girl do?  Pay more than she can afford to have the boyfriend and family that she wants?  I'm taking action get these questions answered!