Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Friday, January 11, 2013

Normal stress

Maybe, from what has been written here before, someone could tell that I didn't feel like my ex-husband was very nice to me and I'm glad to be out of that marriage (even though I entered separation with reluctance).  And you can probably tell that I like my boyfriend and we are in a serious relationship but I have had concerns regarding his financial instability.


There is so much that could have been said over the past month plus about how I feel about being referred to a reproductive clinic - I'm all over the place, at times frustrated, sad, at peace, determined.  No action has been taken yet though.  SnuggleBunny is all on board with being positive and finding a way for us to have a family and he hasn't made me feel bad for being too old to conceive a baby, so that's nice.  However, he also hasn't had his semen analysis done.  I was able to get an appointment with the highest rated clinic in my area (maybe more on my concerns about where to go later) but without his test done I thought it would kind of be a waste of time so I postponed the visit.  The next available date was April 1, which I took, and already I feel like the fool in this situation.

Am I being dumb for insisting that he show initiative and make an appointment and PAY FOR his own test?  He would be a good father in a lot of ways, just like he is a good partner in so many ways, and he has said that having children is something that he really wants.  But words are not translating into actions.  I know the only barrier he has regarding the test is paying for it.  I'm barely getting back on my feet financially and I'm sick of paying for more than my share of the bills.  I know I'll be paying for our infertility treatment since it will be my body involved.  I'd be paying for any medical bills if I get pregnant and I'd probably pay for child related expenses, plus the bills I already pay.  And then there is the incredibly selfish fear that I'd have to increase my work hours while SB stays home with the baby - which is preferable to expensive childcare and good for the kid, right?

That is a lot more than I expected to write.


Yesterday I went to a short seminar on avoiding stress through a health expo at work.  I went on a whim - no, I went because I followed intuition.  Because I've been through STRESS and the stuff that's going on now feels very miniscule compared to Toren and divorce and even losing my house.  My motto is "any day when you are not delivering a deadbaby is pretty damn good!"  The seminar was good though and helped me see that even though nothing in my life is completely being destroyed right now (you  know, except for losing hope of parenthood) there are things that are causing stress.

I made an appointment to talk about my relationship, and I'll actually be meeting with the woman who conducted yesterdays seminar and answered my questions about one-on-one appointments (she seems really great).

I have been in a marriage that was terrible for me emotionally so I know to avoid soul slaughtering relationships like that.  My relationship with SB is lovely and I feel respected and cared for and confident, but it can't develop further because he can't take care of himself.  My life dreams are postponed and postponed and postponed because he can't take care of himself.

What does a smart girl do?  Pay more than she can afford to have the boyfriend and family that she wants?  I'm taking action get these questions answered!


Sophie said...

oh dear. Men.

Can totally relate here. Sounds like Aaron in so many ways. Yes respectful, yes loving, yes yes yes... but the down side is that he never does what he says he will without a big kick up the butt... and Aaron has no career drive... yes he's got a good job but he has no ambition to progress if that makes any sense...

Serious two cents? If you wait for him to grow up, you'll be waiting forever and that is indeed soul eroding. No man is perfect... focus on the good things he does, and for the rest of it kick his ass... and tell him straight... "I need you to pay your own way. I need to feel like you can handle it." Tell him your happiness and confidence in the relationship needs it.

Having a child is a decision you are both making, he should still be paying for half... and if he can't do that... then find another way he can help out... Even if it's only so in your head, it's not so unbalanced... do you know what I mean?

I haven't been able to change Aaron, he is essentially the same big kid he was when we met 17 years ago... How I respond to him being a shit head has changed. I tell it to him straight away, I sigh a lot, I give him the death glare and I groan... I do not let it build up and I don't ignore it... because that way leads to big arguments...

Mostly i've come to understand that the things that really bother me... he has no clue about at all because they just don't think the same way. We woman are way more complicated.

Kick butt! He needs it. He loves you but he's making you feel bad... and he needs to know so that he can change what he can... and acknowledge what he can't. You'll be surprised how much you will learn about yourself through this process... When I am really upset I ask myself "Why am I so upset?" and the answer is always surprising... and oftimes more about me than him...

Big love. Sorry about the rant. Sending your goddess today.

Sara said...

Ugh. Such tough stuff. Have you had a serious discussion with him about how much this affects you? If you have and things just never change, would he be open to seeing a counselor/therapist with you? He needs to understand how important it is for you to be able to count on him (financially and otherwise), and I've personally found a third party to be helpful in this regard.

It sounds like you can imagine how it would be, having a kid AND this type of relationship stress to deal with. Maybe take advantage of the wait time until April to get this stuff ironed out. You should NOT have to increase your work hours after you have your baby, in my opinion! But I'm biased, I guess. :) You've waited SO long for motherhood and if you can't spend as much time with your baby as you'd like because he can't get his shit together, well, that would be a shame. I know you guys can work it out. I'm rooting for you so hard!

reba alice said...

hey there...

i came back to reply after i read your post, because i wanted to think truly about how i would feel in your shoes. i think if my bf and i were to be going through what you and SB are right now, the situation would be very similar. my bf has children already from a previous relationship--both unplanned pregnancies--he has never been through infertility and would probably have no sense of the urgency that i would feel. and he has similar financial difficulties to what it sounds like SB has, as he is disabled and can't work.

so...it would be me making the appts and paying for them, for sure. and i think i truly would be ok with that. for us paying for things is kind of a "who can take care of this right now" thing, and right now, although my situation isn't the prettiest, it's better than someone who isn't working.

i think talking with the stress woman about your relationship is really good! i think maybe talking to SB though would be the best thing...once you decide what you even want to say. right now my bf and i are going to couple's therapy and it has helped things a LOT with us.

Jessica said...

If you're having so much trouble with his financial issues and feel like he's holding you back, is he really someone you should be trying to have a child with? I know I'm a random stranger but it was just what I thought after reading. I hope that it works out for the best, whatever the best ends up being.

E said...

Hi Anna Marie,

As you know, after my first baby died and the relationship with his dad went up in flames, I just "went for it" and got pregnant again as soon as I could. I didn't have a job and my new boyfriend made $10/hour. I had "income potential," though and finally got a good job a few months later. Shew! I think we solved Mr. E's financial difficulties by getting married...because now we were a team and it didn't really matter who made the money. He now stays home with the baby because it didn't make sense to pay for child care, and honestly, I don't resent that he's home while I work. I resent that he doesn't have to breastfeed and have a muffin top. It is a blessing to have someone else coordinating things at home while I go to a rewarding job. Yes, I miss the baby, but I love every moment I spend with him at night and on the weekends. I know I'd be bored to the core home with him all the time.

We are all different and in different situations...and yet so much the same. I only share this experience to show that it could be really great to have SB home with the baby. If he stays on top of other house things, and if you keep liking your job. And yes, it's great for the baby...but could be really great for you too!

I say go for it! But you knew I would say that.

I've been thinking of you and Toren and I'm always so glad to read your posts. Hugs today and every day. E