Moving on, but in what direction?

Sometimes it feels like all we do is have discussions and cry.  We both miss how our relationship was when we didn't live together and Monday he said he would move out and we will try to get back to how things were.  Having him move out was exactly what I was wanting to happen, however it was so painful to hear him say those words.  So it made for a rough afternoon.  We decided he should wait until I found some housemates.

That evening we went to a movie to kill time then came home and had sex after which I immediately started hoping for a pregnancy.

I'm giving myself mixed messages.

This situation is not going to have a final answer anytime soon.  Seriously, I do not have a clue about relationships.

So, the good news is that we have been getting along fantastically again!  His mood perks up with pep talks so maybe I just need to give him frequent nudges to be happy and responsible.



.....

It is such a relief having Christmas now in the past.  It was a lovely day!  At the same time it was so far from how I want things to be.

Rather than clinging to the idea that Christmas has to be a certain way with lots of tradition I'm going to make sure to include doing something new every year.  There will probably always be special breakfast and dinner with family or close friends (mostly because there's eating involved and I'm a huge fan of that), the tree will probably always be put up too, but maybe I'll use different decorations someday.  I guess the point is that I want to approach each year with less rigidity so when changes come along I can see that as a chance to try something new rather than worrying about how to recreate the changed factor somewhere else.

There's still this idea that Toren should be here to open presents.  And my husband should be here to make his special coffee for breakfast and to spoil us.  We should have a second child by now.  The bottom couple of feet of the tree should be free from my glass ornaments, in fact the whole tree should be decorated with adorable ornaments that Toren and his sibling(s) would hold and play with and declare specific ones as their favorites.

All of that is not going to happen.  And as my maternal age advances further it's time to start making a backup plan to still be able to enjoy holidays, or any day, child-free.

I can't think about it anymore right now.


.....

Anyway, here is how I like my tree decorated - a glorious, monochromatic heap of silver, white, and black glass.  And there's the velvet tree skirt that I made last month :)

Snugglebunny is allowed to help decorate it but he understands that I will move things around as "necessary".  It all must be visually balanced.  It must be perfect!  And if someday all of the sharp objects and choking hazards are removed to accommodate the curious ways of toddlers, if colorful, durable ornaments are placed on the tree only as high as young children can reach, leaving the top half bare, that will be perfect too.

You definitely know those moments when everything changes.

How about those thoughts that are so innocuous by themselves but all of a sudden you know that they can't be un-thought and things have changed now?  I keep saying how I want to leave behind this house of memories and that I'm jealous that my husband got out of here.  But it wasn't until about an hour ago that I thought about moving to a specific location.  You can want to leave all you like but if you don't have anywhere to go it's harder to make that happen.  My mom is talking about moving to Utah soon.  I rather like Salt Lake City.  I could move.

And it would be just me (and the cats), I would not invite my boyfriend.  It feels absolutely horrible to convert that thought into a form of communication.  I wouldn't be able to say it out loud. 

Things have really not turned out as expected.  Living together was supposed to be beautiful but instead there's too much of me supporting him financially, him being possessive, and way too many promises for the future that never seem to make it out of idea form.  I am pretty miserable after one year of it and I don't know how to get out of living with him.  He knows exactly what to say to get me to give it all another chance.  I do love him and care deeply for him but more and more feel like this relationship is not going in the intended direction. 

At what point is it sensible to say that the things you are doing are simply not working?  Maybe it's time to stop trying to bend things to be how I want them.  Maybe it's time to let the backyard remain swing set free.  Maybe it's time to stop willing this to be a family home.  Maybe it's time to move back in with my mother.

Well.  The holiday's are here.  I kind of changed my mind about taking a lot of drugs this winter. 

In the past 5-6 weeks I have:
- read 4 books
- painted two rooms in my house
- made the tree skirt that I bought all the fabric for four years ago
- hosted Thanksgiving dinner
- made 20 tree ornaments (hand sculpted from polymer clay and painted)


All in addition to the normal stuff so that's quite a bit of activity for me!  What changed?  I ran out of antidepressants and since I still don't have health insurance going to see my doctor for a prescription refill is out of my budget.

I have a history of depression and anxiety and it was over 4 years ago, on the day of Toren's birth defect diagnosis, when my ob/gyn questioned me about it and gave me handfuls of Lex.apro sample packets before leaving her office.  I think I took the first pill in the parking lot.  Eight days and one delivery of a stillborn later Xan.ax was added to the mix.  Over the past 4 years I have also taken lithium, trazodone, cym.balta, wel.butrin, clonazepam, and there may have been one more that I can't remember right now, in varying combinations and doses. 

It is incredible to FEEL again!  And it is wonderful to have some energy.  When I feel happy now it's an un-muted sense of joy that feels so genuine that sometimes I think I could burst!  But the low moods are also untempered. 

It's seems like there isn't a good solution to depression.  Medication numbs all emotions.  It feels like I haven't really been alive for the past 4 years, which is kind of good considering some of the things that happened, and now I would like be unmedicated but I don't know how long I can handle the dark moods.

.....

I sat down to write tonight after being overwhelmed by a wave of envy of women who have spouses or reliable boyfriends.  While married I didn't realize just how great it was to have someone to share the burdens of the stuff life tosses at you.  Being divorced and self-sufficient is good too but there are some things I struggle to handle and I wish I had some help.

.....

I've been out and about more which means running into my ex and he has said some messed up things to me, most of which I started to tell you about but those writings are still drafts in blogging limbo.  Just two days ago he emailed asking if he could have any Christmas decorations I wasn't using.  This will be our fourth Christmas apart and it's really confusing and upsetting for him to ask for items of our holiday's together after so much time has passed.  There are more things I'm getting rid of and I said he could have those but I'm suspecting he was looking for something specific that I don't have (a family item that I never had, I think they forgot who actually possessed it) because he stopped replying after a while.  He's moving soon.  Back across the country.  Instead of feeling relief that I wouldn't see him out anymore I feel so much sadness that the rift between us will never be repaired and also I'm so jealous that he gets to leave, again.  I would love to just walk away from this house and the memories that have built up here.

.....

This feels like an unfinished thought but since drafts are way outnumbering published posts I'm just going to publish this now. 

How are the holiday's treating you?

This week I have been enjoying going to my NEW JOB! 

My job is fantastic and the people that I work with are nice (which is a huge improvement over my last job) and it is a research position so I'm actually using my degrees (my last position was admin).

When I was laid off they took my work ID, which is expected but the photo on my card was important.  The photo was taken during new-hire orientation - I had recently graduated, had just had a great summer with my husband, was excited in general, and I was pregnant.  I think that was the only photo taken when I knew was pregnant and was not yet consumed by worry.  I looked happy.  It was painful to have that photo taken away and a few time I thought about contacting HR to see if I could get a photocopy of the card but I didn't want them to think I was crazy and I didn't want to explain why I wanted it so badly and I didn't want to hear that the card had been destroyed already.

The most unexpected things turn out to be important mementos of our missing children.

My new job is back with the same organization and this week I had to submit a photo for my new ID card.  I took over 40 self portraits trying to duplicate the ease of the old photo but in them all I look too old, too strained, too plump, and just too weary to be that person from the old photo again.  This is the one selected because when tiny (like it would be on a ID) I look cheerful enough. 

I mean, it's fine but the last 4 years aged me more than 4 years should, you know?  And now that the hardest parts are in the past and things are looking rather positive I still can't get back to appearing like nothing happened.  I don't want most people to know about my son and my divorce anymore; I don't want to share that much.  Anyway, I don't know where that thought is going... 

I picked up my ID today and here's the photo it has on it

Apparently they kept the old photo on file and I'm so happy that they did :)  It's a relief to have documentation of that short time of utter joy. 

Sock it to me

I love Kym's Sockeroo's!  I want to give a huge "THANK YOU" to my sock buddy Alexicographer who leaves wonderful comments.  Look at the adorable socks she picked out for me - wine and sweets!  She totally hit the mark because I firmly believe that a drink and some chocolate are great coping mechanisms (wallowing in drunken sugar delirium is better than strangling someone)!

Kym gave the following thought to consider during this Sockeroo:
It has been roughly a year and a half since the last SITM Exchange. Reflect on the past 18 or so months – how has support from others, either in the blogosphere or otherwise, helped you?

Away from blogs I rarely seek support for the tough things because so many people are very uncomfortable with anything relating to grief or major loss.  Even with blogging I'm getting quieter, however, when I do bother to say something the support is incredible!  Upon publishing a post, most of the time I think I should have censored it more (to sound less insane), but more often then not the comments are supportive and there are so many other people who say they can relate. 

One of the most striking things I got from group therapy was that there were other people who look competent and put together but who were struggling like I was.  Even without really knowing each other listening, giving encouragement and truly wishing the best for others comes naturally in group therapy.  Kind of like the babyloss blogosphere.  I deeply want everyone of the people I have met through blogging to experience healing and see their dreams actualized and I believe there are people out there who wish the same for me.

Blogging has provided a very different type of relating with others.  I am rarely open about my feelings concerning Toren, divorce, or rainbow making attempts with anyone in person.  I think that expressing frustration and fear about not having conceived a baby yet is one of the more innocuous things I have expressed, but even that makes people look away.  They don't want to ask how the threat of infertility makes me feel given that I have already had heartbreaking luck in making babies that live.  But that is fine (truly!) because I can come here and say that I am so afraid that my parenting story ends with Toren that I can hardly breathe and I know that someone reading can face that horrible feeling with me.  Having someone acknowledge your feelings helps so much.

Now, in real life I have been getting other types of support from my friends and family - wonderful things like love, companionship and fun!  Knowing where to go for the kind of support you need is key.

Thank you all for the mountains of wonderful support you given me!

So, what about you?  What are your thoughts about finding support for the things that hurt terribly?

 Reasons to not be in a relationship with me

1.  Prior experience with marriage has removed all patience I have towards things that make me unhappy.  That being said, it takes a lot to make me unhappy.  But I'm afraid that once that balance is tipped it is hard to get me back to feeling secure.

2.  Neurotic about babies.

3.  Kind of emotionally unstable in general.  However, this one is also a huge benefit much of the time since I'm generally agreeable from being well medicated (relates to point #1).

4.  Not rich.

Why did I think that I'd be much better with a serious relationship because I'd been married?  SB gets excited about "working through problems" and the idea of couples counseling, but to be honest, I have little interest in either right now.

Eh, I'm probably still grumpy from that last menstrual period.

.....

Reasons to DATE me

1.  Generally in good spirits (really!)

2.  Doesn't need much convincing to make-out

3.  Good in bed

 .....

Perks to dating or being in a relationship with me

1.  Will pay for everything if the other person wants me to.

2.  Doesn't complain about episodes of bad sex.

.....

SB moved in last December (replacing one of my housemates) with the agreement that he would contribute to the household bills.  In reality it is very difficult to get him to pay anything and he never gives any money towards his rent without being asked for it.  He is three months behind (the only reason why he is not further behind is because his entire tax return went towards his back rent).  I am unemployed and he works and I am paying for his living expenses and I feel like an idiot.

We have a lot of fun together and it sucks that something as dumb as money has made me unhappy.  We have discussed this over and over and I always believe promises given.  It's to the point where I can't have a casual conversation with him because the main thoughts running through my head are about how dumb I feel because I'm in a bit of a financial pickle now.  I can't lay in my own bedroom and fall asleep because I am so angry.

But I also know that once I get upset I can't see things rationally.  Right now I think my best option is to ask him to move out and rent out the two spare rooms again (the second housemate moved out of state for an internship last month).  Can anyone talk me off of the breaking up ledge?

The music playing through the speakers on my desktop is a little too loud but it compensates somewhat for the rest of the house being so very quiet.

.....

Snuggle Bunny's friends are automatically presumed to be my friends too, which is great and I never even questioned this until the weekend before last when he was encouraging me over and over to have brunch with another couple because they really wanted to see us and this would be their last chance for a while since their baby would be born soon.  I'd been feeling much more relaxed regarding the pregnancies of others, at least from a distance, but didn't feel like seeing how my PTSD was doing lately by sitting across a table from a full-term sized belly.  I suggested that he go alone but he said that they are my friends too and they want to see me, which made me think that I would not spend time with the wife outside of parties and brunch.  She's much too argumentative (have your own opinion but every once in a while you gotta shut up and listen to other people if you want to have friends).  Brunch with a couple that I've seen occasionally for the past 2 years, and that I had just realized I didn't really connect with, did not seem worth risking my emotional state over.  SB suggested I take a clonazepam before we left the house and get a mimosa with brunch.  I did not take kindly to this suggestion of being sedated just to get through a stupid meal gracefully.

Things have not been super great between SB and me lately.

I'd been looking forward to an event tonight.  Then, just when all I am missing is a layer of lipstick before walking out the door, SB faces his phone screen towards me so I can see the photo of the couples daughter who was born a few hours ago.  And I'm really not trying to be a bitch about this or belabor the fact that my son didn't survive, but suddenly I felt the very opposite of hungry and being in a crowded, trendy gastro-pub all night no longer sounded fun.  I said I would drive over myself in a bit (SB is the dj tonight so has to be there from before start and after finish).

I am happy and super relieved that a new baby has been safely delivered.  I don't know why I'm reacting so poorly still.  And while time has helped a great deal, the sadness is kind of transforming into deeper self loathing since I'm ashamed for still being bothered at all and I'm ashamed of not being pregnant yet.  Oh, and I don't feel awesome for not having found a job yet either.  On top of all of this here's how my last period went:
Monday a week ago - spotting, 5-7 days before a period should show up
Tuesday - bleeding
Wednesday - nothing!?
Thursday through Saturday - a fucking blood bath
Sunday - bleeding
Monday - wondering if it will ever end
Today - I think it's wrapping up

Meanwhile SB is determined to impregnate me and keeps talking about it.  I give up!  I'm uncomfortable in this relationship and have completely lost faith that the vision of having a family of my own (in which I would be relaxed and mentally stable) will ever happen.

My car was in the shop for a while and when picking it up a friend suggested that instead of continuing to dislike the car and desire trading it in for something else (just been waiting for a reason and, now, a source of income for car payments), I should just keep it and enjoy it.  This is definitely the easier way to go.  So I stopped thinking about how much I can't wait to get rid of that tiny sports car with no back seat and I'm simply enjoying how fast the little thing goes.

....

That all may sound sad, but overall I've had a great summer and I'm managing well given the stress of being unemployed.  I've been meaning to write for months now but I'm tired of writing this story, I'm exhausted from Toren still being dead.  The next chapter was supposed to be about rainbows. 

Anyway, I've been chattering on about nothing every so often here. 

...Graceland...

Did you know that Elvis Presley had a twin who was stillborn or died at birth?  The grave markers of both of Elvis' parents list them as the parents of Elvis and Jessie.  I almost lost it; it was stunning to see that you can have freaking Elvis Presley as a child and still never, ever forget the child that died.  We really are in it for the long haul, huh? 

But it's also encouraging to see that it's ok, and normal, to remember the babies who so quickly fade out of the memories of others.

 

*****

...Seeking grace...

For a while you worry that you will forget, but that doesn't happen.  Now, it's not so much that I worry that I'll never forget but I worry that some of these feelings will never end.  I worry that I'll pretty much not give a shit about a lot of things ever again; things that used to be so important like credit scores, being successful and having lots of friends.  I worry that it really was from something that I did and that I really don't deserve a living child.  What if whatever the future brings is just a continuation of that sad story?  I'm concerned that a big comeback into living fully is not going to happen.

Parallels

Tonight I selected a Cabernet Sauvignon named Parallel 33 S, thinking it was good inspiration to contemplate parallel lives.  In a parallel universe there was a known price for that wine and it was purchased instead of a lovely Malbec.  Without getting deep into the theories, Hugh Everett III proposed that there are other universes, just like ours, except that different things happen, which would make each universe evolve differently.  Critical events may not happen to *you* in some other universe.  In some other universe you are raising that lost baby.  In some other universe Toren is alive and my marriage took a turn for the better and perhaps in that universe I did not get laid off from my job, which indeed did happen here last Thursday.

The weekend went ok but Monday arrived with a new kind of blues.  The lay-off was unexpected (but not surprising in hindsight) and sudden.  Just like that I have nowhere to be anymore.  Worse, just like that, they took back my ID, office key, and I still need to return to my office to pick up personal items, while supervised.  This is so humiliating.  Even though it was not performance based, I feel really lousy that a relatively small amount of money (I was not paid very well) was selected over keeping me around.  I didn't get to say goodbye to anyone, after working there for 6 years, and now I don't want to run into anyone from there because I'm overcome by shame.

This much shame...

BTW, chocolate and wine is actually a healthy way to cope in my book, as long as it's occasional.  On another day I'll talk about how I WILL NOT let losing a job where I was underpaid and going nowhere professionally get me down, in the meantime any stories of finding work after being laid off would be appreciated.  Anyone have any advice on job hunting, or even getting through tomorrow?

Garbage

Last Tuesday was off to an uncomfortable start from the get go (last post) so when my ex contacted me a few hours later asking to get together so he could give me some information for the re-negotiating the mortgage (another HUGE source of stress), I agreed.  In my opinion, it's a wiser move to add a negative task to an already not great day than to a great day.

First, let me say that is really stinks that even if you divorce, everyone who was initially put on the mortgage is still responsible for the mortgage, no matter what the divorce papers say.  It just makes things, like continued communication with your ex-husband who walked away from the freaking house leaving you with all of the stress of paying for it, annoying.

I suspected he really wanted to just talk.

He suggested Sta.rbucks, but I like that place so I suggested a bar that I don't really like going to (why risk creating bad memories at a location you like?).  It started out well.  We met in high school and were married for 11 years (that's 19 years of nearly daily contact) so there is a huge feeling of comfort just being near him.  On some level he probably gets me more than anyone else does.  But it was also uncomfortable for both of us, which makes me feel like a bar was a good choice (even though anything in excess of moderate drinking is not good) because I WANTED him to say all that was on his mind that night; I didn't want this to be a conversation that extended over time.

On our second drinks, I ask why he just signed another year's lease on his apartment when he wants to move to be near his mom.  He'd been seeing someone (for 6 days), and they were really hitting it off, until the weekend of the March for Babies when he had some sort of breakdown about Toren and freaked out the girl.  He made it a point to tell me that one main "flaw" with her was that she was not able to have children - why he thinks it's ok to tell that to the person who failed at making a baby that can live is beyond me.  And, that he considers this a negative point in the person he is seeing is insulting for all women who struggle with family building.

Eventually, he asks me about the "elephant in the room", which I couldn't guess which elephant he was talking about so he asks "How are you and SnuggleBunny doing?".  I hadn't mentioned my boyfriend to my ex-husband, because that seems rude, so I tell him we are doing well, SB is probably the funniest person I have ever met, and he is living in the house now.  It seems totally inappropriate to tell the person I was last planning a family with that SB and I are hoping to have a baby soon, so I don't mention it.  Saying something like that could be hurtful.

Then he says "You probably know I was seeing Karen*".
* = names are NOT changed to protect the innocent

At which point I order a third glass of wine.  I didn't know he was seeing Karen.  Why would I know that?  Karen, the female part of a couple we used to spend time with; a couple that split up soon after we did.  Karen, who has two adorable young sons who I played video games with and watched movies with on mornings when we stayed over at their house.  Apparently they got pretty serious for a while there.  Serious enough that she and her family are friends with his family on FB, while his family have never wondered if I was doing ok (although, he probably didn't say that he dumped my ass and instead he would have spouted off some victimizing lies and implied that our separation was mutually decided upon).  He probably tucked those boys into bed.

A week later it still makes me angry that he thought it was ok to tell me about a relationship he had, with one of our mutual friends, with a woman who can make living baby boys.  There was so much more involved, but basically he left me and hooked up with a woman who has living, beautiful sons.

Giving birth to a dead baby is so unattractive.

Soon he starts to do things on his computer, preparing to email the mortgage information to me and I'm freaking out and self conscious so try to look important by sending a text to SB letting him know I'll be home soon and then to Debbie, admitting that I need to look busy right now and thanking her for her support.

*****

At home I pour another glass of wine, talk to my dad on the phone about my plan to start prostitution to afford this damn house, and then I go quiet and SB looks over and I tell him about how sad something I'm reading is and I start to read aloud Mandy's words from this post and then I'm sobbing.  SB then makes me go to bed, which was exactly what I needed, and he hugs me for hours.

*****

Yesterday, four years ago, I graduated from a masters program.  I felt like we were so put together.  Ex and I had a house (2 spare bedrooms and a big backyard), cars, and my education was done for now.  We had come MILES from where our own parents were.   I wanted my children to be WANTED, and although Toren was conceived several months sooner than expected (I planned a few months to get the hormonal contraceptives out of my system), he was planned for and there were years of preparation for HIM. 

"But the diaper bag remains untouched."

I don't think there is anything I want more than a family of my own.  But it's more sick than that ... there is part of me that needs to pick up where the ex and I left off ... I so want that decade of preparation to lead to something other than a broken heart.  I can't imagine, or really desire, a pregnancy leading to someone other than Toren.  And there is no way to express this to SB without hurting his feelings. 

*****

Divorce is hard.

But not nearly as hard as walking out of the hospital while your child's body is taken to the morgue.

One foot in front of  the other until it's been almost 4 years and you wonder how it's possible that so much time has passed.  He was so precious ... how has time continued without him?  Part of me is still there waiting, arms held out waiting to be given something other than a memory box.

My response

Thank you for your note.  I'm not sure what to say.

Out of the thousands of feelings from the last 3.5 years I never once have felt like an amazing person.  It's more like I am just a person getting through an amazingly bad situation through any means available.  Grief is hard and processing it is rarely pretty or nice.  You and I took different routes in dealing with Toren dying, and it kind of is as simple as that. 

I hope that you have resources for getting through your grief.

*****

I decided that there was no way that I could write anything eloquent as a reply to his message (prior post) while avoiding my usual pitfalls of manipulation, pity-parties, rancid bitterness and over-sharing so I just wrote a reply, deleted half of it, then clicked the send button.

Being called "amazing" makes me very uncomfortable because I'm not sure there was one positive "amazing" aspect about dealing with Toren's death and then that lousy, drawn-out divorce.  Amazingly angry, amazingly hurt, and amazingly lonely all fit.  An amazing amount of wine was consumed for a while there...

Participating with the March for Babies is a good thing, but also mixed up with the wish that the money raised will lead to fewer deadbabies I used it to let my friends and family know that I was still hurting and each donation and lack of donation has been tallied.  I used fundraising as a tool to gauge who I could depend on for emotional support.  And perhaps at the very same moment that the ex was thinking that I was "amazing" I was choking back tears and thinking about how I will not participate in the March for Babies next year unless I have my rainbow baby.  In all reality, I'll be too strung out from the illicit drug habit I'll be developing over next Christmas, because I cannot face another fucking family oriented holiday with just Toren's memory, to show up on time for the walk anyway.  AMAZING!!!

The March for Babies is about hope and it's inspiring to see so many people out there walking with their strollers and children.  I am not strong enough to face another March for Babies with unfulfilled hope.

*****

Thank you all for your comments and texts.  Seriously, with all my heart, thank you.  I'm not ok right now, but I will be later.  I really wish divorce came with more emotional relief.

Was he drunk?

 Perhaps.  This was send to my phone and email during the noon hour on Saturday, from my ex-husband.

"Thank you so much for walking for Toren today. You are an amazing person. I am so sorry things happened the way they did. I never wanted to hurt you. I am sorry. Thank you for being amazing. Thank you for remembering when i worked so hard to forget."

It will take about a year for me to figure out a response. 

I am both filled with compassion and compassionless; both filled up to the brim and devoid of patience.

TMI + grumpiness

Ahhh, nothing like waking after a night of cramps and thunderstorms to the first period sans birth control.  We are not TTC quite yet but it's still disappointing that there wasn't an accident.  And terrifying.  The wait to see if I'll have trouble conceiving is terrifying, because I don't have a plan for coping if a rainbow baby with my rainbow partner does not work out.  I can't imagine losing hope again. 

Gushing blood, eyes tired and puffy from lack of sleep and a short cry before getting out of bed, cramps, hoping for a short day at work but then finding out I'll be attending a late meeting for my boss, and then not one, but TWO emails announcing the births of healthy baby boys!  Isn't life funny?!

Excuse me while I laugh myself straight into the looney bin.

This makes a great fight song for betrayed lovers, and the video is stunning and symbolic.  It has a great rhythm for throwing dishes, tossing your ex's clothes onto the lawn, and slashing tires :)

But there's also a huge dose of reality because even while you are inspired  to improve your life and fuck their shit up it's so impossibly sad that a relationship that was so close to being gorgeous turned toxic.

"Don't underestimate the things that I will do" - just as soon as I can stand up.

How are you feeling?

I'm divorced.  The official letter arrived last Friday.  Because the ex has moved since we filed and his letter would have been sent to his old address, I sent him an email letting him know that it was all over and asking if he would like me to send him a scan of the letter (because there is something wrong with me and I can't stop accommodating him).  He ended his 3 sentence reply by asking how I was feeling, and figuring out a response to that question has really had me confused.

What did he mean by asking me that?  How am I feeling emotionally about our divorce, or was I sick last time we corresponded and he's asking about my health?  His was a simple question gently laid on top of a tumultuous history.

On one hand it felt nice that he may care, while on the other, how I'm feeling is none of his business.  Should I ignore it?  Should I respond with truth or fluff?  Which truth should I respond with - the one of annoyance and hurt about there being so little closure to this breakup that he instigated, or the truth of how relieved I am that he stopped being such an asshole about the settlement so that we could divorce?  What about the truth of how I once loved him dearly and devotedly?

No closure.  He decided that our marriage would end, but other than expressing a need to be happier, he didn't give other reasons and he gave me no say in it.  If he's asking how I am feeling maybe he's really not such a jerk anymore; maybe he is turning back into the person I thought he was.  Maybe his rotten behavior of the past several years was temporary while he worked through the death of our son.  What if he truly cares how I am feeling about our divorce and it turns out that I just became divorced from a guy who is great again, the guy who I met at age 16, the guy who was my best friend and then husband for half of my life?

But then the brain gears started really turning . . . 
It's a long shot but what if my ex really has turned into the person I vowed to spend my life with, what would that really mean? 

Nothing. 
It's too late for who he is, or has the potential to be, to mean anything to me.  I am so happy with my boyfriend and we are making plans for our future together.  I have a great thing going with him and that really can't be said enough.  My ex-husband can be fantastic or foul but whoever he truly is requires no decision making on my end.  I don't need to discover if he is now great or not because that does not have any bearing on the choice I am making to wholeheartedly and open-heartedly be with my awesome SnuggleBunny! 

What I have now is wonderful!  And that, my friends, is closure.

Rambling then a charting question

Every woman in my department is pregnant.  EVERY ONE OF THEM ;) 

AND the closer in physical proximity they are to me the more likely it is they will have a boy.  A couple of years ago EVERYONE had son's but now there are some baby girls, but only if the woman's desk is at least 30 feet away from my desk.

I'm very happy today and these thoughts are making me laugh at myself.  It all started when one of my students said his wife was having a baby this summer.  They have a toddler son who is adopted and conceiving a child was not something they expected.  It's now a story that their friends of friends will use as encouragement to infertile couples - "Just adopt, then you will get pregnant!".  Anyway, I gave him a high five.

*****

My situational infertility is coming to an end and it is helping with situations like this.  Thoughts of "that will never be me.  I will never have a baby" are being replaced with "that may happen to me soon". 

According to my fertility charting, I did not ovulate this month.  Which is worrisome, even though I know I should be more strict on getting basal body temperatures at the same time each day and this is the first cycle since stopping hormonal contraception.  The first 10 days or so were just like the examples said they should be but temperatures and cervical fluids have been all over the chart since then ;)

My temperatures were taken before getting out of bed but are they useless because they were taken at different times of the morning?

Horrible

Usually I can tell the instant a pregnant woman is near but I was fooled last night by a baggy t-shirt and conversation that was not initially pregnancy-centric.  But I'm calming down about that anyway; learning of a pregnancy is not like being emotionally stabbed anymore, it's more like a healed injury.  For a real life analogy, the knee I broke last summer feels just fine 97% of the time, but every once in a while I'll step funny and yowzers!  Although, my heart that broke for Toren doesn't feel fine 97% of the time yet.

Anyway, I decided to stay present and not get swept away by memories and that went well, though I did drink a little too much wine, and got quieter and quieter as the conversation got louder and louder, and was the first one to leave.  But it did get to the point where she expressed how unpleasant it is being pregnant and joked that she was keeping a journal reminding herself not to get pregnant again. 

She said "pregnancy is HORRIBLE!"
And I thought, "Lady, you don't even know how horrible pregnancy can be."

*****

The first ultrasound with Toren was supposed to be around 9 weeks and even though I was certain of my menstrual period dates the ultrasound revealed that he was actually almost 13 weeks gestation (that last one sure looked like a menstrual period).  I was so happy to be further along because that was closer to when the nausea was expected to ease up.  Being pregnant really does make some people feel horrible.  And then to have it end horribly makes it a mystery why a subsequent pregnancy even sounds like a good idea at all.

Really, why do we want to risk repeating that experience again?  Is this my biological clock creating this sense of urgency to repeat something that was horrible?

1, 2, 3

1

These are the loneliest day, the terrorversaries.

These have become the days when it hurts the most that his father left me behind to handle these days alone - to remember our son alone.

Today is the third anniversary of a day when nothing happened.  Had his story taken a different path, Toren would have been 3 years old.


******

2

The day after the prior post I had a very important therapy session, though it's hard to describe why.  Here's some rambling: People with children do sometimes kill themselves.  If Toren had lived, my marriage probably would not have improved enough to make it good.  The same persistent problems would have returned once the difficult aspects of raising a child emerged.  This is not some sort of comparison that ends with determining that it's a fucking blessing that Toren is dead because now I'm out of a bad marriage, this is letting go of the dream I was clinging to that Toren living would have meant that my husband I would only grow closer and closer.

Sometimes I miss my ex more than I could ever say out loud, and that makes me so angry that he could not be the person I thought he was.


******

3

Birth control has run out and cycle charting has begun.  Even while dutifully logging temperatures and whatnot, I can't believe that a baby could be the end result. 

I'm going to tell you a story because I don't know who else to tell.  You all, my necessary, anonymous friends.

My part in it was very small.  It was Thanksgiving Day, 2008.  I had spent the previous week involuntarily admitted to a mental hospital after a suicide attempt on a Sunday afternoon.  Toren had been dead for just over a year.  One of my closest friends from the past (the mommy mobile girl, for anyone who has been following and remembering this bitter sob story from the first year) had just given birth to a son and he was very ill.  I was having constant anxiety attacks; overwhelmed by something more complex than jealousy, it was utter confusion about why she got a live baby and I didn't, but also unmaintainable concern that she would lose her son too.  And I was driving my husband nuts.  He wanted me to be nothing but happy for our friends who were new parents, but I couldn't do that.  I couldn't get beyond the hugely complex, uncomprehensible emotions of my dead baby, her live but sick baby, and in hindsight, the lack of support I had from the man who was un-becoming my best friend.  The Saturday before (suicide Sunday, to jump around terribly) my husband was out at a nightclub, as usual, while I was at home, unable to face a night of dancing post dead-baby, as usual.  With bottles of wine, as usual.  That Saturday night I really needed someone, but they were all out dancing.  Saturday turned into Sunday and I continued with tears, alcohol, then tossed the contents of all medicine in the house into the mix when my husband said he was going to move out.  My husband MADE me get into the car and I hugged Toren's memory box all of the way to the nearest ER.  The memory of Toren was the most beautiful and painful thing, but on that day, it felt like all I had.  I didn't know if I was on my way to be with Toren, but there was no longer much point to be alive if I was going to be so alone.

The hospitalization was one of the best things that ever happened to me, once it was over anyway.  It is very scary to be forced to go somewhere.  It was very late at this point, I rode in the back of a sheriff's car, was strip searched upon arrival, sedated, and sent to bed for a few hours before the mandatory time to start the day.  My husband came for a "family" therapy session a few days later and the therapist expressed her thoughts that any trouble between us could be repaired and I believed her.  I was able to leave after four days to enter out-patient treatment.  I only told one friend about it and carried on like everything was fine.

I think I brought a pear frangipane tart to Thanksgiving dinner at a friends house, just like in previous years because everything was "fine".  Thanksgiving at my friends house was our new tradition and all sorts of people stopped by while those like us, who didn't have family nearby, stayed all day.  There was a couple there that I hadn't met before and their two children were there as well.  I'd estimate that the little girl was around 4 or 5 and her brother was a year or two older.  The couple was really cool; young like us, tattooed, into the same club scene.  At first I felt uncomfortable around such adorable, young children, but before even a few hours past I was running around the yard with the kids playing games.  The kids and their Mom sat by me at dinner and we kept each other entertained.  The little girl had a tin of powdered pink lemonade with a tiny spoon and I helped her make lemonade.  After dinner on the deck all of the adults chatted and the girl held on to my hands and shook her head wildly, so wildly that she would have fallen over if she weren't hanging on to me.  She did this over and over and we all laughed.

Not that these were my motives, but I thought my husband would see how happy I was, and how fun I could be with kids by how I interacted with these children and surely we would mend our marriage.  SURELY, we would resume our family building plans.  We could be like this great couple who had the lifestyle we had but also had children!  We had met role models.  But on the drive home I laid my head on the center console where his arm was and he moved away, and later that night the discussion began again - nothing had changed with him, he had no desire to see if our marriage could survive.

I never saw that couple again.  I never went to Thanksgiving at my friends house again.  There were those horrible months of being so alone and feeling suicidal for so long, but thankfully I had the mandatory out-patient treatment to go to 3 times a week plus my regular therapy.  And the one friend I had told about my mental hospital stay kept me afloat through that time.  And my story moved on.  My SnuggleBunny is in this very room playing a game on his computer, in our home.

In early February the wife of that couple died.  Piecing information together, it sounds like she committed suicide after her husband fucked another woman.

Her husband killed himself a few hours ago.

I bet that no one could even comprehend their truths.  I can't believe that I survived and they didn't.

My heart breaks for their story and their orphaned children.  May they all find peace.

Thank you all so much for your encouragement on my last post.  It really means so much to get support for a story that involves an issue that is so controversial.  I don't think of Toren as being aborted, even though it does fall into that category.  I think of it more like his pregnancy was terminated.  I don't think that most early elective abortions are taken lightly but there were so many things to consider with Toren and none of them were anywhere close to "is this a good time for a baby?".  That's very shallow and stereotypical since there are thousands of other questions to consider with an early elective abortion, but I'm trying to say that the terms feel so different that it ... I can't find words for it.  I was very pro-life where Toren was concerned - if only preparation, determination, and love could make organs grow.


******


I'm in a slump.  Just this week I started fundraising for the March for Babies (check out Toren's cute little face in the sidebar) and it's going to be a very half-assed effort.  Raising money for the March of Dimes is important, but right now Japan could use a great deal of help so maybe I'll feel better about encouraging people to donate to this, not-so-urgent, cause in a few weeks.  Anyway, this is my 3rd year walking in the March for Babies and it has been a positive experience.  If you are considering doing something in memory of your baby, look into the March for Babies and see if you think it will assist with your healing.

It's not clear why I'm so tired and down lately.  I'll have a good week, then a bad week (last week was good).  Meds have been tinkered with and along with increasing doses my body is plumping, plumping, plumping.

For the past 6 weeks I've hardly been drinking wine.  I thought that would be the key to ending this LONG period of depression but it didn't exactly work that way.  Inspired by Reba's post's about telling a story in six words, here's what I wrote a few weeks ago:

Drunk or not, baby is dead.

The 3+ years of consuming impressive amounts of wine did exactly as intended and covered up a lot of grief so stopping this prompted an unending flood of thoughts about Toren for several weeks.  And that's become the emotional theme lately:
      do March for Babies or not, baby is dead
      plan/hope for rainbow baby, Toren is dead
Any action or mindset, positive or negative, does not erase the past that I so want to un-do.

This is what I said

Yesterday I gave a testimony before my State Senate in opposition of a bill that would make any pregnancy terminations beyond 20 weeks gestation illegal with the only exception being if the mother's life was in immediate danger.  Did I ever expect to be speaking out against an abortion bill?  No.  Even though I am pro choice I'd rather not be involved with a subject with such controversy.  But I think that mostly pregnancies where there is a shitty prenatal diagnosis will be impacted with this bill and it is such an awful time when you hear that your fetus is very unwell that removing options is NOT HELPFUL.

I don't talk about this much here because I don't want to receive a single hateful comment.  It's one thing to say your opinion, and something entirely different to spew mean words just because you don't agree with the view of someone else.  I can understand why a woman would choose to carry to term but I don't think it is the best choice for every fetus and every family.

Anyway... this post may not stay up long.

Testimony for Senate Bill, March 2011

            Thank you for the time to tell you about my son today.  My name is Anna M. and the following events took place in 2007.  In that year I finished my Master’s degree, my husband and I celebrated our 10-year anniversary, we had already bought a 3-bedroom house with a big back yard, and we decided to start a family.  It was a difficult pregnancy nearly from the start, but those were also some of the happiest months of my life.  We already knew our baby was a little boy and we were beyond excited about the anatomy ultrasound to see images of him again and see how he was doing.  The anatomy ultrasound at almost 19 weeks gestation showed that there was no amniotic fluid and the baby was very difficult to see.  There are several causes of absent amniotic fluid and in my son’s case it was due bilateral renal agenesis, which means his kidney’s did not develop.  He was also missing his stomach and bladder.  Amniotic fluid is necessary for the development of the baby’s lungs and the absence of it leads to a constellation of physical features known as Potter’s syndrome.  Because the baby is not cushioned by amniotic fluid the mother’s organs press on the growing fetus causing physical deformities including abnormal limb growth and flattened facial features.  This is a fatal condition and babies that survive the pregnancy and delivery will die of respiratory failure once they are born.

            The doctors had to explain the diagnosis over and over to me because it was so hard for me to accept that they were describing my child.  My husband and I had spent years preparing for a family and months bonding with this baby.  Our family members were already in love with this baby.  We wondered if he would be musically talented like his dad or interested in science like me.  His nursery would be decorated with a jungle theme and he would have dinosaur pajamas.  We were going to breastfeed for as long as possible and learn baby sign language.  There are not words to describe how hard it is to switch from planning for your baby’s future to the reality that he cannot live. 

            Immediately there were choices to be considered about how the pregnancy should proceed from that point.  It is definitely surreal to be weighing the pros and cons of the terms of your own child’s death.  One good way to describe it is having to make a decision when there are no good outcomes no matter what option is selected.  When considering continuing the pregnancy, I could not imagine how I would ever leave the house or face anyone knowing that my baby was going to die.  I didn’t know how I would be able to answer innocent questions about my pregnancy without weeping and health wise, it would be safer for me to deliver early.  My husband stopped touching my stomach, trying to distance himself from his son and trying to ignore his grief.  But the most important factor in deciding to terminate the pregnancy was that I didn’t want my son’s life to be spent in an environment that was so cramped that his body grew deformed and he couldn’t move around, only to suffocate upon birth.  My son was not going to live, regardless of when he was born, and as his parents, my husband and I had to consider the quality of his short life.

            Legislation restricting all pregnancy terminations after 20 weeks gestation, except when the mother’s life is in danger, ignores the families where a fetus tragically receives an adverse prenatal diagnosis.  Many serious conditions are discovered at the anatomy ultrasound which happens around 20 weeks gestation and it can take several weeks to get further testing so it is not unusual for women to pass the 20 week mark before a final diagnosis is made.  And importantly, some time is needed to make an informed decision regarding continuing or terminating the pregnancy.  Carrying to term is not in the best interest of all women and their families for a variety of physical and mental health reasons.  Additionally, carrying to term can mean that the fetus suffers for a longer period of time and has a more traumatic death.  Please keep these families in mind when considering legislation with so many restrictions. 

           

           

I make myself read Face.Book and post the occasional funny animal photo.  I'm just not a fan of that form of communication, but with so many people using it it's kind of antisocial NOT to be active on FB.  So today began with a pregnancy announcement, complete with photos of the first ultrasound and the positive pee stick, and a list of things prego chick has wanted to say to people over the last 2 months but couldn't because it was still a secret.  I had heard the news a few days earlier but it's different/much worse to see all the excitement written out, complete with visual aids. 

Today I'm bitter.  And angry.  And so sick of being stuck in deadbaby-land, with all of it's loneliness and heartache.  And I'm not leaving anytime soon.

The pregnancy announcement prompted the conversation with SnuggleBunny about a baby of our own and he's very open to that but doesn't want to start TTC until June.  June isn't far away ... not really.  But right now it feels equivalent to never.  I told him I would do my best to be patient but that I'm feeling desperate lately, only to hear that desperation is not a reason to rush towards parenthood.  Desperation seems like a pretty good reason to me!

I am desperate to not have all of my pregnancies end with deadbabies.  I am desperate to stop feeling so hopelessly out of place around people with children.  It's coming up on 4 years since my husband and I decided to start a family but that is a past that SnuggleBunny doesn't share with me.  Having him impose his own time-line for our baby makes me irrationally angry.

TTC in June means that if we are successful right away that pregnancy will occur at a similar time as Toren's.  Could I handle a potential pregnancy loss happening around Toren's terror-versaries?

48 days from now

Most of my energy is spent with work lately and it's so draining that when I'm not there I collapse.  Crossing my fingers and wishing on stars for a happy solution.

Anyhoo, here are some random thoughts

Last night I dreamt that I delivered a living, full-term but teeny tiny boy - Toren, or at least Toren's size - and my mother was babysitting.  When I arrived she had a house full of guests for a pool party and I couldn't find my baby and I couldn't find my mother to ask where she had put him down for a nap.  There was no panic involved, I just asked people if they knew where my son was.  It's like he's always safe and nearby but I can't get to him.

The weather yesterday was LOVELY and SnuggleBunny and I spent hours outside working on the yard.  This year I'll be maintaining and adding to the butterfly garden, then there will be the two vegetable gardens, and I'm starting the pixie garden!  The pixie garden will be filled with strange plants, tons of flowers, and cute, shiny decor.  SnuggleBunny totally gets my vision for it and was even pinched by a "pixie" while clearing out dead branches (there was nothing there when he turned around).  It's an unusual space.  I'll take some photos of the transformation.

On Saturday I had a PTSD response to a friend telling me she and her sweet boyfriend were planning to have a baby.  I'm happy for her, truly happy and I think it is a great idea for them.  But the news still led to isolation, hours of weeping, and an early bedtime for me.  At least I can recognize that I'm reacting to old trauma when my mood shifts so dramatically but that still doesn't stop it from happening yet.  I wonder if this response is limited to hearing about other people's babies or if freaky moods will happen if I'm ever pregnant again myself.  Will finally getting a child of my own ease that response?

Yesterday was day one of the second to last Nu.va Ring.  There are 48 days until the last one is removed and that is when I want to stop taking birth control.  Plenty could change during that time so it's not a firm plan, in fact SnuggleBunny doesn't even know the plan, so I guess that conversation should happen soon.  But for 48 days I intend to focus on happy things, being healthy, and being responsible, because maybe it will be time for a rainbow.

That's all.  So sorry for the totally random post and the lack of commenting (still!).  I miss you all and hope that more time to contemplate, read, and write will arrive soon.

OMG, just say SOMETHING

Being quiet here is kind of just the tip of the iceberg; I've been quiet everywhere, virtually and IRL.  I've been reading a little and commenting hardly at all and I miss you all so much.

Rather than the injection of joy I was expecting, depression has been crushing me since SnuggleBunny moved in last month.  I can't tell what the problem is.  Perhaps these would have been depressing holidays regardless of having my boyfriend move in, but very quietly I'm wondering if I'm going to ruin this relationship.  He is very patient though and this is a huge change so I'm still hopeful that our living together will work out well.

It's time to consciously stop isolating so much though, so here's an update on things I wouldn't tell anyone else:

1.  The stock of nu.va rings in my fridge is down to 2 and if I actually want to get pregnant this year perhaps it's a good idea to not get any refills on that prescription.  Two.  That creates some pressure since it would be best to not be so depressed, or at least know what is behind the depression because if longing for a child is making me this sad, then trying for pregnancy could be a good thing.  Having this un-firm time limit is overwhelming at moments but also exciting.  Very exciting at times.

2.  This morning I ordered the following books
Trying Again - because I may be preparing to try again (but I could still chicken out!)
Momma Zen - in case trying again turns successful
Hand Wash Cold - because it may have things to think about even if trying again is not successful
and a 5 year diary of my very own, inspired by Her Five Year Diary, which is completely delightful even though the entries are pretty mundane so far.  I can't wait to start recording the boring highlights of my days!

3.  I started a photo blog but haven't made a post yet.  There are several motivating factors behind this, first I am so fucking depressed that I hoped having a goal of taking photos would be a fun and positive thing to do.  Even taking photos that put an image to depression would at least be interacting with the world.  Also, I wanted to have a blog to share with real life family and friends so I could honestly express thoughts and feelings to them, but I may not be comfortable with this.  Why is it so hard to open up to family sometimes?  Recently my dad told me about one of the ladies in his neighborhood who has been very depressed lately and how he makes sure that she is doing ok and that she knows that people care about her.  He said this reminded him of me since I had gone through depression recently.  Since he thought I had beat depression, I didn't know how to tell him that I had hardly answered the phone or emails for weeks because I was too busy isolating.  Is it fair to my family to keep them in the dark about how I'm doing?  Is it fair to me to cut off that potential source of support?


Eh, I'm out of words again.  How about some photos from winter?
*****

This is Toren's ornament collection.  See the lovely blue one with Toren's name painted on it?  It's from Jenn :)  Many, many thanks to Jenn for thinking of Toren!

 

Memorial bricks placed in garden

Gluten free, cranberry apple pie on Christmas day - yum!