Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Monday, February 21, 2011

I make myself read Face.Book and post the occasional funny animal photo.  I'm just not a fan of that form of communication, but with so many people using it it's kind of antisocial NOT to be active on FB.  So today began with a pregnancy announcement, complete with photos of the first ultrasound and the positive pee stick, and a list of things prego chick has wanted to say to people over the last 2 months but couldn't because it was still a secret.  I had heard the news a few days earlier but it's different/much worse to see all the excitement written out, complete with visual aids. 

Today I'm bitter.  And angry.  And so sick of being stuck in deadbaby-land, with all of it's loneliness and heartache.  And I'm not leaving anytime soon.

The pregnancy announcement prompted the conversation with SnuggleBunny about a baby of our own and he's very open to that but doesn't want to start TTC until June.  June isn't far away ... not really.  But right now it feels equivalent to never.  I told him I would do my best to be patient but that I'm feeling desperate lately, only to hear that desperation is not a reason to rush towards parenthood.  Desperation seems like a pretty good reason to me!

I am desperate to not have all of my pregnancies end with deadbabies.  I am desperate to stop feeling so hopelessly out of place around people with children.  It's coming up on 4 years since my husband and I decided to start a family but that is a past that SnuggleBunny doesn't share with me.  Having him impose his own time-line for our baby makes me irrationally angry.

TTC in June means that if we are successful right away that pregnancy will occur at a similar time as Toren's.  Could I handle a potential pregnancy loss happening around Toren's terror-versaries?


Reba said...

first, in response to your last post...unfortunately for me, having a living child does not make the crazy go away when someone announces a pregnancy. as you may have seen on my blog. crazy is still alive and well in me. i'm learning to live with my crazy. :) having a living one does make pretending to be "normal" about baby announcements a bit easier, though. fake it till you make it.

second, FB...i don't consider not posting much there to be antisocial. i only really use it for pictures myself because i discovered that reading that many random thoughts from my friends and from people i haven't talked to or thought about since high school is not interesting and can even be maddening. i wouldn't feel bad about not posting.

third, june...i am exactly the same way. if i want something at all, then i want it right NOW! or actually yesterday would be even better. but june will be here so soon. especially with whatever is going on at work. i had the same thoughts about whether i will someday be able to handle a subsequent pregnancy during the same months as my twins, who were due in sept. i decided it would be like an extra good luck charm to have it at the same time. we'll see if i still feel that way next december. but last december was when we stopped using protection, and it felt like it was even more the right time because that's when our little ones were created.

this was super long. yikes, i guess i had too much coffee today. sorry anna.

Lisette said...

I know how hard those pregnancy announcements can be, so sorry.
I really hope snuggle bunny changes his mind about waiting until June. Thinking of you always ((HUGS)).

Barbara said...

"so sick of being stuck in deadbaby-land"

Oh me too!

I'm sorry you're having a difficult time and I do hope you can negotiate a better time frame. May?


Ya Chun said...

Well, can you do some diet/fitness goals to get you ready for the summer of love? There's a book "Before Your Pregnancy: A 90 Day Guide for Couples on How to Prepare for a Healthy Conception" that I half-heartedly followed. I wish I had been more motivated. The pregnancy would have been easier if I started out in better shape. And get your nutrition jumpstarted. Anyway, that might help you feel like you are making progress BEFORE TTCing.

And I have taken a break from FB - and I don't think anyone has missed me! I felt like I needed more from my 'social' internet time, so have been doing more blogging and also added some new non-dead-baby blogs.

Anyway, June will be here before you know it. Just do it on your time line at that point too. (Bea was one month later than Serenity. In some ways it was hard, it some ways it softened things. I think it will be tough either way though)

waxpop said...

Oh man, I hide "pregnancy people" SO FAST on Facebook, it's almost like it never happened. Still upsetting, though.

And I totally get how waiting for June can seem like an eternity and how working within someone else's timeline can be extremely frustrating. I'm sorry you're going through that.

As for similar pregnancy timelines, I actually got a positive pregnancy test at the very end of January, which was almost exactly four years to the day from my last one. Other than being spectacularly bad timing (I was just about to start a new job and husband is still unemployed), I was also weirded out by having the exact same due date as last time around. Anyway, I miscarried a week later - during the first week at the new job! wheee! - so that's done. Now I know for sure that my body has at least two ways to mess up a pregnancy! (Speaking of having all your pregnancies end in dead babies...)

Sorry - me, me, me. I am thinking about you and hoping the time until June flies by and you can, at some point, start getting excited about the possibilities coming your way.

Jenn said...

Hmmm, I must be pretty antisocial, then as I avoid FB like the plague.

I think you reaction is totally warranted. It sucks to feel that way, I know, but it's to be expected. Also, I totally understand why it seems like June is eons from now - the yearning can be so strong that even one or two days can feel like a lifetime - or at least it feels that way to me, sometimes.

I'm sorry you have to wait until June when you're aching to start right now. Thinking of you and sending you much love. xx

Advo.cat said...

This may sound weird, but the more time passes since my miscarriages, the more I focus on the death aspect rather than the fact that there was life at some point. That is why I am so ready to sail out of deadbabyland. It just gets deader and deader as time passes.

Sophie said...

June? That would drive me barmy. Why does he want to wait till then, i hope its not the whole "so we can save money" business because that never happens... I think you should use your feminine wiles to renegotiate...

And yes, I have no patience whatsoever...

I'm sorry facebook is so hard. :(