Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Thursday, April 21, 2011

TMI + grumpiness

Ahhh, nothing like waking after a night of cramps and thunderstorms to the first period sans birth control.  We are not TTC quite yet but it's still disappointing that there wasn't an accident.  And terrifying.  The wait to see if I'll have trouble conceiving is terrifying, because I don't have a plan for coping if a rainbow baby with my rainbow partner does not work out.  I can't imagine losing hope again. 

Gushing blood, eyes tired and puffy from lack of sleep and a short cry before getting out of bed, cramps, hoping for a short day at work but then finding out I'll be attending a late meeting for my boss, and then not one, but TWO emails announcing the births of healthy baby boys!  Isn't life funny?!

Excuse me while I laugh myself straight into the looney bin.

Monday, April 18, 2011

This makes a great fight song for betrayed lovers, and the video is stunning and symbolic.  It has a great rhythm for throwing dishes, tossing your ex's clothes onto the lawn, and slashing tires :)

But there's also a huge dose of reality because even while you are inspired  to improve your life and fuck their shit up it's so impossibly sad that a relationship that was so close to being gorgeous turned toxic.

"Don't underestimate the things that I will do" - just as soon as I can stand up.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

How are you feeling?

I'm divorced.  The official letter arrived last Friday.  Because the ex has moved since we filed and his letter would have been sent to his old address, I sent him an email letting him know that it was all over and asking if he would like me to send him a scan of the letter (because there is something wrong with me and I can't stop accommodating him).  He ended his 3 sentence reply by asking how I was feeling, and figuring out a response to that question has really had me confused.

What did he mean by asking me that?  How am I feeling emotionally about our divorce, or was I sick last time we corresponded and he's asking about my health?  His was a simple question gently laid on top of a tumultuous history.

On one hand it felt nice that he may care, while on the other, how I'm feeling is none of his business.  Should I ignore it?  Should I respond with truth or fluff?  Which truth should I respond with - the one of annoyance and hurt about there being so little closure to this breakup that he instigated, or the truth of how relieved I am that he stopped being such an asshole about the settlement so that we could divorce?  What about the truth of how I once loved him dearly and devotedly?

No closure.  He decided that our marriage would end, but other than expressing a need to be happier, he didn't give other reasons and he gave me no say in it.  If he's asking how I am feeling maybe he's really not such a jerk anymore; maybe he is turning back into the person I thought he was.  Maybe his rotten behavior of the past several years was temporary while he worked through the death of our son.  What if he truly cares how I am feeling about our divorce and it turns out that I just became divorced from a guy who is great again, the guy who I met at age 16, the guy who was my best friend and then husband for half of my life?

But then the brain gears started really turning . . . 
It's a long shot but what if my ex really has turned into the person I vowed to spend my life with, what would that really mean? 

It's too late for who he is, or has the potential to be, to mean anything to me.  I am so happy with my boyfriend and we are making plans for our future together.  I have a great thing going with him and that really can't be said enough.  My ex-husband can be fantastic or foul but whoever he truly is requires no decision making on my end.  I don't need to discover if he is now great or not because that does not have any bearing on the choice I am making to wholeheartedly and open-heartedly be with my awesome SnuggleBunny! 

What I have now is wonderful!  And that, my friends, is closure.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Rambling then a charting question

Every woman in my department is pregnant.  EVERY ONE OF THEM ;) 

AND the closer in physical proximity they are to me the more likely it is they will have a boy.  A couple of years ago EVERYONE had son's but now there are some baby girls, but only if the woman's desk is at least 30 feet away from my desk.

I'm very happy today and these thoughts are making me laugh at myself.  It all started when one of my students said his wife was having a baby this summer.  They have a toddler son who is adopted and conceiving a child was not something they expected.  It's now a story that their friends of friends will use as encouragement to infertile couples - "Just adopt, then you will get pregnant!".  Anyway, I gave him a high five.


My situational infertility is coming to an end and it is helping with situations like this.  Thoughts of "that will never be me.  I will never have a baby" are being replaced with "that may happen to me soon". 

According to my fertility charting, I did not ovulate this month.  Which is worrisome, even though I know I should be more strict on getting basal body temperatures at the same time each day and this is the first cycle since stopping hormonal contraception.  The first 10 days or so were just like the examples said they should be but temperatures and cervical fluids have been all over the chart since then ;)

My temperatures were taken before getting out of bed but are they useless because they were taken at different times of the morning?