Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Thursday, April 14, 2011

How are you feeling?

I'm divorced.  The official letter arrived last Friday.  Because the ex has moved since we filed and his letter would have been sent to his old address, I sent him an email letting him know that it was all over and asking if he would like me to send him a scan of the letter (because there is something wrong with me and I can't stop accommodating him).  He ended his 3 sentence reply by asking how I was feeling, and figuring out a response to that question has really had me confused.

What did he mean by asking me that?  How am I feeling emotionally about our divorce, or was I sick last time we corresponded and he's asking about my health?  His was a simple question gently laid on top of a tumultuous history.

On one hand it felt nice that he may care, while on the other, how I'm feeling is none of his business.  Should I ignore it?  Should I respond with truth or fluff?  Which truth should I respond with - the one of annoyance and hurt about there being so little closure to this breakup that he instigated, or the truth of how relieved I am that he stopped being such an asshole about the settlement so that we could divorce?  What about the truth of how I once loved him dearly and devotedly?

No closure.  He decided that our marriage would end, but other than expressing a need to be happier, he didn't give other reasons and he gave me no say in it.  If he's asking how I am feeling maybe he's really not such a jerk anymore; maybe he is turning back into the person I thought he was.  Maybe his rotten behavior of the past several years was temporary while he worked through the death of our son.  What if he truly cares how I am feeling about our divorce and it turns out that I just became divorced from a guy who is great again, the guy who I met at age 16, the guy who was my best friend and then husband for half of my life?

But then the brain gears started really turning . . . 
It's a long shot but what if my ex really has turned into the person I vowed to spend my life with, what would that really mean? 

Nothing. 
It's too late for who he is, or has the potential to be, to mean anything to me.  I am so happy with my boyfriend and we are making plans for our future together.  I have a great thing going with him and that really can't be said enough.  My ex-husband can be fantastic or foul but whoever he truly is requires no decision making on my end.  I don't need to discover if he is now great or not because that does not have any bearing on the choice I am making to wholeheartedly and open-heartedly be with my awesome SnuggleBunny! 

What I have now is wonderful!  And that, my friends, is closure.

8 comments:

Barbara said...

Brilliant!

I'm glad that you are happy right where you are.

xxx

jill said...

First off - Congratulations! :) I don't mean that sarcastically... just that it's another step forward that (imo) should be celebrated. I celebrated, with a bit of sadness, when my divorce was final.

I've probably said it before but I'm so sorry you had to deal with divorce on top of the death of your son. I've never lost a child so I can't begin to imagine but I've been through divorce and it royally sucked. It still does. All these confusing emotions that go along with it are hard to sort through. Just sending support to you. It sounds like you are moving forward well :)

Kakunaa said...

Huzzah!

Quiet Dreams said...

Brava to you for closure. And here's to being in the next stage of life, whatever it may bring (and I hopehopehope it brings many beautiful things to you).

mommyodyssey said...

Good for you!
I'm really happy that you can see that. I'm lucky to say that I am happily married and I know that because of going though my miscarriages. I believe spouses are truly tested during the difficult times. The bottom line is, that your ex was fine and dandy until the going got tough, and then he bolted, which means - good riddance, and good for you to have found somebody who is there for you regardless! *hugs*

Ya Chun said...

That sounds like a good place to be in!

And I am glad it is all finalized - one less thing, right?

And totally stop 'helping' him! If he didn't keep the paper work up to date, he doesn't get his letter! He's a big boy. You are too nice.

Catherine W said...

Yay for you and awesome Snuggle Bunny! I hope the future holds many wonderful things for you.

Kristin said...

Bravo! Brilliantly said. The closing line made the whole post!