Wishing you courage

"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow'."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Foul mouthed RANT


No, not YOU! Funny that I'd never actually express this to the people who have swept my breath away.

Fuck you, collegue who is acting like I've stepped on her toes when I have busted my ass to cover for her.

Fuck you, friends who break up with boyfriends, have a huge freak out, frantically date others, sleep with ex-boyfriend, get back together with ex, THEN REPEAT THE PROCESS OVER AND OVER.

Fuck you, people who nod in understanding, knowing that is the "right" thing to do, while obviously NOT truly listening and NOT understanding.


What is my problem?

I can't think of any hormonal, nutritional, sleep related problem that could be causing so much grumpiness. Huge, unhappy back spasms though. Headache from pollen. But nothing that should be causing so much discontent.

I'm teettering on the edge of telling someone off - it's kind of funny, but I wish I knew what the real problem was.

If I hear "Against All Odds" in a public place today there is going to be a scene! Watch for it on the news!


How are you all doing today? Happy? Content? Sick? Mad as hell?

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Random un-fun things

Number 1 totally NOT fun event

Washing pots and pans and having the fluorescent bulb above the sink fall down and smash. Then Googling clean up of said bulb and seeing no instructions for how to clean up pieces that are in a sink of water and calling hotlines in search of an answer. By the way, the Poison Control Hotline says it's ok to just drain the sink. Having a bulb fall down and smash right in front of you is rather rattling. I may be too traumatized to ever wash dishes again.

Number 2 just somewhat annoying event

The Phil Collins song "Against All Odds" should simply not be played in grocery stores. There are people out there struggling in life so much that making decisions on what food they want to eat is way more difficult than it should be without the added influence of emotional songs. So this week I'll be eating eggs, apples, and bananas. I was much too upset over lost love to think of any other foods I like.

Sigh. The kitchen has probably aired out long enough so I'm off to clean up my own personal Superfund site.

Countdowns and prophesies

The part of me craving renewal: "I need to spend time in the garden before I go crazy!"
The sarcastic part of me: "You arrived at crazy a while ago"


About a year ago I started seeing my therapist (T1) and I have made notable progress with her, but since I was still resistant to being alive I started seeing a therapist (T2) for Brainspotting about a month ago. T2 then recommended I join group therapy that she conducts and I attended that for the first time Thursday night.

So most weeks I have an appointment with T1 and T2, and now a group therapy session. Every once in a while I see my psychiatrist, adding a 4th visit in a single week. Kind of a lot (4 hours a week with out a psychiatrist visit) but less time than when I went to the outpatient program in the winter (10 hours a week).

The deadbaby and ruined marriage triggered big problems and ripped away the facade I was maintaining. Huge heartaches themselves, it turns out that I'm missing a foundation to build a healthy future/life on. That's the short of it. Therapy is intense.

But on Tuesday, after a big crying fit that turned into a productive session T2 said my issues are totally fixable and she knows just how to do it, and that I will be feeling much better in a year. We both marked April 14, 2009 on our calendars as the day I would be feeling better in one year.

"Feeling better" stands for some specific issues.

I completely recognize that it will be a gradual process and I won't wake up on April 14, 2010 suddenly feeling amazing. And April 14, 2010 probably won't mark the completion of the process of feeling better. But the countdown is on towards a much needed end date to feeling so lost. For a year and a half I've desperately craved knowing WHEN I would feel better; having a date, no matter how silly it seems, provides a lot of comfort. I've placed a ticker on my blog counting down to April 14, 2010.

Hold on ... I'm looking forward to a future date ... I take steps everyday to make sure that future day really will be what I want it to be ...

I'm not suicidal anymore.

Those were a horrible 5 months. The tension of believing that it is very wrong that you are alive is something I never want to feel again.


"When you're on that train of thought you pass some pretty funky stops."
- The Beautiful South

Therapy is taking me places that are necessary but difficult and there is often lingering discomfort after sessions. At my first group therapy session Thursday night a man came in to join the group a little late; he made me a little uncomfortable. After the session ended I went to meet friends for dinner and thought it would be just the girls but a bunch of significant others were there too. Hugs and friendly affection from the guys made me tense up. I didn't want to talk with them or be touched by them.

Men are making me uncomfortable! Even one's I'm friends with!

Not stressing out about it because I think this feeling will pass, it's just interesting.


My Dad had a psychic reading done and asked about each of his children. The psychic said that I had had a very bad year in 2008 (spot on) and that 2009 was better (true, it's pretty easy to improve on 2008) but that 2010 was going to be a good year for me. I have got to believe her. I have to believe that something good will happen.

With both the countdown and the prophesy I'm so excited but also frustrated that these "deadlines" are so far away. On one hand I WANT something beautiful and big to happen RIGHT NOW, on the other, I'm just so relived that nothing totally shitty is happening right now.

I guess that is one comforting thing about your life completely falling apart - anything else that happens now can't phase me that much. I have held my own dead child, I have heard my husband say that he doesn't love me anymore, anything else would pale in comparison.

On that note, here's a photo of cute pea plants.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Spinster or crazy cat lady?

Easter passed by without cares about being alone and not having a one year old to entertain with colored eggs and plush, pastel toys. I stayed in my world of the gardens. Even though I did nothing to acknowledge Easter, it was nice not to be torn up over what I could have had. Right now I'd rather feel nothing than feel such loneliness and hurt.


Last week was a hard week in therapy. Brainspotting doesn't fuck around and takes you places you've been ignoring. It's all good though, I am desperate to get well.


Regarding my whining over my friend/ex-friend/I don't know what she is to me, I sent a message saying how nice it was to see her and didn't say anything about getting together. Then I decided all of this was ridiculous so, in my heart, I forgave her for the careless things she said and have almost forgiven myself for being so angry and that my dear readers is how closure will occur! I hope.


Besides three friends, other people are off my radar for the most part lately. Outside, digging, planting seeds is the only place where I my heart feels still. I still remember the baby, I remember my broken marriage, I remember that my life is starting over, but while I'm in the garden I'm in the present.

I don't care if others think I'm boring or being too reclusive, I'll get out more when I feel like it.

My butterfly and vegetable gardens are "Gardens for popsicle sticks" right now so I can remember what seeds are planted where. The vegetable garden still needs some work before it has it's big reveal in photos but here are some glimpses of my happy place.

Two caterpillars drying off on a rock after a rainstorm

A caterpillar resting in a plant

Sammy's photoshoot

Carefully posing

Awwww, looking peaceful

With a tomato plant

Profile, looking reflective

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

November 8

I need to rehash dates.

Big dates are:
  • October 31 - horrible diagnosis day, seeing that ultrasound absent of amniotic fluid, doctor after doctor gently speaking until one says "incompatible with life"
  • November 8 - delivery date, it was a Thursday at 10:35 pm
  • March 28 - estimated due date

I plan to take these days off work until further notice. They have primarily landed on weekends so far.

Minor dates include:
  • August 12, 2007 - last day I did not constantly think about Toren, the last day of not worrying about that precious soul
  • August 13, 2007 - positive pregnancy test revealed that Toren existed
October 31 is so important because that was the day he was lost in a sense. That was the day when I turned into one of those people who only exist in distant tales of misfortune and heartache. March 28 is important as it is the only day I can cling to and consider how under very different, or normal, circumstances Toren would have been out of the womb and enjoying the world. The estimated date of delivery is just a marker, it doesn't really belong to him, but it has become important because it could have been his birthday. I didn't get to make enough memories with Toren - I need his due date.

November 8 is kind of a weird date. The shock that he would die had already been revealed. October 31 started the horrid time of waiting to enter the hospital, frantically researching labor and delivery of a fetus, entering the hospital, day 1, day 2, day 3, and he was delivered. Not really a birthday. I think it was the day he died but he could have died the day before.

Delivering your dead fetus is a really crappy situation, but there was a huge sense of relief to have it over. No more dreading the hospital stay, no more fearing what a tiny fetus will look like, no more contractions and cramps.

October 31 and March 28 hold my anger, horror, and sorrow that the world can be so cruel. These are important days that I both need and hate.

November 8 is Toren's day. It's the day I felt a type of love that I could have never imagined. I saw him and LOVED HIM! There in my hands was a unique individual who cannot be duplicated. A tiny person made through love. A little carbon copy of his father. My heart and entire being flooded over with love. I thought I would deliver and then cry and cry over his body but there was no room for tears that night - sorrow for sure, but more wonderment, love, and joy from seeing him.

The next day there was plenty of crying. Rocking his cold body, playing mom, saying all I could think of to tell him before releasing his body for the last time and leaving it behind.

It's hard to make sense of the duality of so much sadness and that powerful positive feeling (which by the way, I think happens without seeing your baby, that's just the precise moment when I felt it). But if I'm going to recognize the bad dates and rage against the universe for this experience, then I need to, GET TO, remember my son's date of delivery with thanks that I felt that level of love, even if the object of my love had died.

My camera is not capable of taking a good photo of the necklace made by Barbara but I wanted to show it to you. It is SO BEAUTIFUL in real life. "TOREN" is stamped on one side, and the opposite side says "NOV 8 2007".

Monday, April 6, 2009

It's later ;)

Recap of today.

The good
1. Reached March of Dimes fund raising goal - already mentioned, still cool
2. Paid off car - so relieved! You know how there are just some people you don't want to owe money to? Now I free free to sell it whenever I want!
3. Abstract accepted for conference - YAAAAAYYYY!!! Poster and travel plans to make.

The bad
1. The enormous earthquake in Italy is so sad.
2. Work is out of control - then by the time the almost back to back, 5 hours of meetings ended the network failed so I couldn't do much in the way of work.
3. So much on my mind, sleep has been hard to catch.

The rant
So my mommy mobile ex-ish friend is moving and wanted to get together before she left. Ok, fine (actually my therapist (#3) "made" me do it because she didn't want bad feelings hanging between R and I after she moved). The last time I saw her was the day before all of the hospital business. Then the whole husband "I don't love you like that anymore" incident. A lot has changed with me and none of it is appropriate to share during catching up with a not-close friend.

Our meeting yesterday was fine. I cried in the bathroom once. I think the main point of the meeting was so that R could speak her mind, so I listened and by this afternoon didn't feel so sad over being so unheard. I did say the things therapist #3 recommended.

Oh! I did hear tips about how people find love just as soon as they stop looking for it. I'll keep it in mind, but so far I'm still too busy losing love to go looking for it again.

The really bad thing was that I didn't realize how upset I was about the encounter until I was driving home and did some very bad driving moves because I didn't care about safety, so now I have a new safety contract with a friend that I will call her if I'm too upset to drive. Never imagined my life would include things like safety contracts. Most of the time I feel stable nowdays but huge waves of depression are still overwhelming sometimes.

Anyway, you know how most of the time if you have a bad time with someone, they had a bad time with you too? Today I felt bad for not opening up more and potentially complicating closure for her then I get a text from her which, after thanking me for meeting with her, went like this: "I have missed our chats, however heartbreaking they can be. To me that is a sign that we have a strong foundation for our friendship to grow on!"

wait . a . minute...

I wanted closure

She is moving to the opposite coast

What on earth is the correct response?

The options
1. Say I had a nice time too and plan to meet her again before she leaves - this option has the greatest potential to NOT create problems again.
2. Say I had a nice time but I'm too busy to see her again and wish her well - pretty good
3. Say something resembling the current truth that I am going through too much to see her again or carry on a long distance friendship - will likely not assist with closure

I have no idea why she wants to build a friendship with me! Pity? I'm not fun to be around! It's not an accident why I only see 5 people.

Any ideas on what to say?

Your prize for reading through all that shit - the first clematis bloom of the season!

So excited!!!

I met my fundraising goal for the March of Dimes!!!

Along with my awesome friends and family making donations I had one annonymous donor (many many thanks to this person, that gesture is so incredibly appreciated)!

Ahhh, lets just bask in the glow for a bit...lunatic rantings will resume later ;)